Re: Edith - selective memory (was Re: FYI: The 10 Commandments)

[Guest guest]

wrote:

But we still can't understand one thing. Our dishrag dad goes along

with all of it! He can sit in a room with all of us and witness the

very same event, but later claim to have no memory of what we know to be

true. He just goes along with whatever his crazy wife says. Could he

be dissociating too?

>>

No, I rather doubt it. He probably just refuses to join the war. And

that's why we call them 'dishrag dads'. Our dishrag dads never backed us

up -- ie, they never validated us. In fact, lots of KOs dads escaped.

They just headed for the hills.

<<

I understand about BPD fleas and all, but how can such a seemingly

pathological trait be a flea?

>>

It isn't. It sounds to me like he's adopted selective-hearing-loss (SHL)

as a survival technique.

<<

My dad is a very sincere (but misguided, of course, as far as his

fatherly responsibilities) Christian man and would not lie outright just

to make his wife happy, I don't think. So what is really going on

here? Any explanations?

>>

Yup. He had choices -- and he chose nada over you.

Hugs,

Edith

- Oz Mod

..

[Guest guest]

wrote:

But we still can't understand one thing. Our dishrag dad goes along

with all of it! He can sit in a room with all of us and witness the

very same event, but later claim to have no memory of what we know to be

true. He just goes along with whatever his crazy wife says. Could he

be dissociating too?

>>

No, I rather doubt it. He probably just refuses to join the war. And

that's why we call them 'dishrag dads'. Our dishrag dads never backed us

up -- ie, they never validated us. In fact, lots of KOs dads escaped.

They just headed for the hills.

<<

I understand about BPD fleas and all, but how can such a seemingly

pathological trait be a flea?

>>

It isn't. It sounds to me like he's adopted selective-hearing-loss (SHL)

as a survival technique.

<<

My dad is a very sincere (but misguided, of course, as far as his

fatherly responsibilities) Christian man and would not lie outright just

to make his wife happy, I don't think. So what is really going on

here? Any explanations?

>>

Yup. He had choices -- and he chose nada over you.

Hugs,

Edith

- Oz Mod

..

[Guest guest]

wrote:

But we still can't understand one thing. Our dishrag dad goes along

with all of it! He can sit in a room with all of us and witness the

very same event, but later claim to have no memory of what we know to be

true. He just goes along with whatever his crazy wife says. Could he

be dissociating too?

>>

No, I rather doubt it. He probably just refuses to join the war. And

that's why we call them 'dishrag dads'. Our dishrag dads never backed us

up -- ie, they never validated us. In fact, lots of KOs dads escaped.

They just headed for the hills.

<<

I understand about BPD fleas and all, but how can such a seemingly

pathological trait be a flea?

>>

It isn't. It sounds to me like he's adopted selective-hearing-loss (SHL)

as a survival technique.

<<

My dad is a very sincere (but misguided, of course, as far as his

fatherly responsibilities) Christian man and would not lie outright just

to make his wife happy, I don't think. So what is really going on

here? Any explanations?

>>

Yup. He had choices -- and he chose nada over you.

Hugs,

Edith

- Oz Mod

..

[Guest guest]

He doesn't see it. He was raised by a nada. What his wife says

IS his truth. Anything else just disappears.

Cyndy

--- wrote:

> Hi Edith,

>

> Hildegard wrote:

> ><<

> >It's really amazing how it is true that some of the bad

> things that

> >happened with my mother don't seem to exist in her mind.

> > >>

>

> And you wrote:

> <<Yes. Some nadas dissociate under pressure/stress and can't

> remember what

> >happened later. And they can also have selective memory and

> re-write

> >history as they go.

> >>

>

> Edith, My sister and I had a real light bulb effect experience

> when we

> learned about nadas dissociating and having selective memory.

> " So that

> explains how she lies all the time and never feels guilty

> about it! " we said

> to one another. She thinks it's all true.

>

> But we still can't understand one thing. Our dishrag dad goes

> along with

> all of it! He can sit in a room with all of us and witness

> the very same

> event, but later claim to have no memory of what we know to be

> true. He

> just goes along with whatever his crazy wife says. Could he

> be dissociating

> too? I understand about BPD fleas and all, but how can such a

> seemingly

> pathological trait be a flea?

>

> My dad is a very sincere (but misguided, of course, as far as

> his fatherly

> responsibilities) Christian man and would not lie outright

> just to make his

> wife happy, I don't think. So what is really going on here?

> Any

> explanations?

>

> Does anyone else's non-bp parent do this?

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

> http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

>

>

=====

There are two means of rescue from the miseries of life - cats and music.

~Albert Schweitzer

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

He doesn't see it. He was raised by a nada. What his wife says

IS his truth. Anything else just disappears.

Cyndy

--- wrote:

> Hi Edith,

>

> Hildegard wrote:

> ><<

> >It's really amazing how it is true that some of the bad

> things that

> >happened with my mother don't seem to exist in her mind.

> > >>

>

> And you wrote:

> <<Yes. Some nadas dissociate under pressure/stress and can't

> remember what

> >happened later. And they can also have selective memory and

> re-write

> >history as they go.

> >>

>

> Edith, My sister and I had a real light bulb effect experience

> when we

> learned about nadas dissociating and having selective memory.

> " So that

> explains how she lies all the time and never feels guilty

> about it! " we said

> to one another. She thinks it's all true.

>

> But we still can't understand one thing. Our dishrag dad goes

> along with

> all of it! He can sit in a room with all of us and witness

> the very same

> event, but later claim to have no memory of what we know to be

> true. He

> just goes along with whatever his crazy wife says. Could he

> be dissociating

> too? I understand about BPD fleas and all, but how can such a

> seemingly

> pathological trait be a flea?

>

> My dad is a very sincere (but misguided, of course, as far as

> his fatherly

> responsibilities) Christian man and would not lie outright

> just to make his

> wife happy, I don't think. So what is really going on here?

> Any

> explanations?

>

> Does anyone else's non-bp parent do this?

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

> http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

>

>

=====

There are two means of rescue from the miseries of life - cats and music.

~Albert Schweitzer

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

He doesn't see it. He was raised by a nada. What his wife says

IS his truth. Anything else just disappears.

Cyndy

--- wrote:

> Hi Edith,

>

> Hildegard wrote:

> ><<

> >It's really amazing how it is true that some of the bad

> things that

> >happened with my mother don't seem to exist in her mind.

> > >>

>

> And you wrote:

> <<Yes. Some nadas dissociate under pressure/stress and can't

> remember what

> >happened later. And they can also have selective memory and

> re-write

> >history as they go.

> >>

>

> Edith, My sister and I had a real light bulb effect experience

> when we

> learned about nadas dissociating and having selective memory.

> " So that

> explains how she lies all the time and never feels guilty

> about it! " we said

> to one another. She thinks it's all true.

>

> But we still can't understand one thing. Our dishrag dad goes

> along with

> all of it! He can sit in a room with all of us and witness

> the very same

> event, but later claim to have no memory of what we know to be

> true. He

> just goes along with whatever his crazy wife says. Could he

> be dissociating

> too? I understand about BPD fleas and all, but how can such a

> seemingly

> pathological trait be a flea?

>

> My dad is a very sincere (but misguided, of course, as far as

> his fatherly

> responsibilities) Christian man and would not lie outright

> just to make his

> wife happy, I don't think. So what is really going on here?

> Any

> explanations?

>

> Does anyone else's non-bp parent do this?

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

> http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

>

>

=====

There are two means of rescue from the miseries of life - cats and music.

~Albert Schweitzer

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Some dysfunctional families routinely use techniques that are

usually only encountered in cult mindwashing programs. Or in

companies that don't like to pay severance.

Cyndy

--- thanksforthisday@... wrote:

> one of the problems in my FOO which used to really start a

> nervous breakdown was that my father had a very good memory

> esp for other people's faults, and my mother disassociated, or

>

> forgot, or denied, and when things started heating up, she

> would

> turn to him (exactly the look and tone I got 2 weeks ago when

> I

> was trying to open a discussion about her brothers). When she

> got that look she totally denied the truth, said my Daddy was

> crazy, and counterattacked - shrieking that he hated her

> family.

>

> So she would froth him into a scene, where what he wanted was

> some kind of validation of his pain, some sympathy.He never

> got

> it and on a few occasions this sort of event got him into the

> mental hospital. She would dig in her heels for a long war and

>

> on the other end of the constant fighting, where he would lose

> it,

> he would cross the line and end up officially crazy. Then he

> would be " punished " in the mental hospital, and she would go

> back to him and they would start again.

>

> Not exactly good modelling for a happy marriage.

>

> In the later years, she gave up going to the distance of

> having

> him committed, but would hold tight to her ongoing denial of

> some really bad things her family had done. Somewhere along

> the line I noticed that she would hide behind lies of really

> stupid

> things, and my father would go nuts with stupid lies. Because

> of

> his label as " crazy " he depended very much on his senses, what

>

> he saw and heard. She would lie about things as

> inconsequential as what she ate for lunch. I've never

> understood

> that.

>

> But Edith's comments about disassociation explain it all.

>

> Kathleen

>

>

>

>

=====

There are two means of rescue from the miseries of life - cats and music.

~Albert Schweitzer

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

It's no wonder to me that your father wound up in a

mental facility or that he died quickly of cancer.

Many women who suffered verbal (emotional/mental)

abuse from their husbands have wound up in mental

facilities. In fact, at one time in our great

countries history many women were committed by their

husbands for being crazy - so why not the occasional

husband who happens to have a BP crazy wife?

This takes the fine art of crazy-making to a new

level, doesn't it?

" The Verbally Abusive Relationship " was

the first book I'd ever read on my healing journey. It

opened my eyes to what was happening to me and let me

know I was not crazy... Thank God for Patrica and for

the women on the VA site I started posting on last

year. They saved my life.

I gave the book to my then separated husband and asked

him to tell me if he thought he'd done any of those

things to me. His answer? " Yes, I may have done some,

but I don't think I did any of them on purpose... "

Which the book states verbal abusers do... He, of

course, continues to do so...! Right now, he's

behaving passive aggressively because I've found a p/t

job on top of my f/t one so I can have $ for Christmas

for the kids. He's not happy that I'm not failing on

my own.

Verbal abuse, I've come to find is the catchall, for

emotionally/mentally disturbed people... On the VA

site we also researched narcissism and BPD...

many/most of us can agree that our ex's had these

traits... book gives more details into

the fine art of verbal abuse - many light bulbs went

off for me... She has a site if anyone's interested.

--- thanksforthisday@... wrote:

> one of the problems in my FOO which used to really

> start a

> nervous breakdown was that my father had a very good

> memory

> esp for other people's faults, and my mother

> disassociated, or

> forgot, or denied, and when things started heating

> up, she would

> turn to him (exactly the look and tone I got 2 weeks

> ago when I

> was trying to open a discussion about her brothers).

> When she

> got that look she totally denied the truth, said my

> Daddy was

> crazy, and counterattacked - shrieking that he

> hated her family.

>

> So she would froth him into a scene, where what he

> wanted was

> some kind of validation of his pain, some

> sympathy.He never got

> it and on a few occasions this sort of event got him

> into the

> mental hospital. She would dig in her heels for a

> long war and

> on the other end of the constant fighting, where he

> would lose it,

> he would cross the line and end up officially crazy.

> Then he

> would be " punished " in the mental hospital, and she

> would go

> back to him and they would start again.

>

> Not exactly good modelling for a happy marriage.

>

> In the later years, she gave up going to the

> distance of having

> him committed, but would hold tight to her ongoing

> denial of

> some really bad things her family had done.

> Somewhere along

> the line I noticed that she would hide behind lies

> of really stupid

> things, and my father would go nuts with stupid

> lies. Because of

> his label as " crazy " he depended very much on his

> senses, what

> he saw and heard. She would lie about things as

> inconsequential as what she ate for lunch. I've

> never understood

> that.

>

> But Edith's comments about disassociation explain it

> all.

>

> Kathleen

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________