RE: Does anyone else have this problem?

November 8, 2001

To everyone, thank you so much for your insight.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of, that she's just

being nice in order to pull me back in and then all

hat's are off. I know that she really wants to be a

part of the wedding, but somehow I can't imagine going

to try on wedding dresses with her, etc. As much as

know how manipulating she is, it still makes me feel

even guilties, even though I know that's the idea.

To Ellen,

As for thearpy, that's how the whole non-communication

got started. Despite the trama, it's actually a kind

of funny story. My fiance (then boyfriend) and I were

visiting my parents for the weekend. It was Friday

night, and she was drunk as usual. She started to cut

down his family, him and me, but he didn't want to

confront her because she is still my mother. Finally,

he went upstairs because he was getting so angry.

Well, when he left, my nada started cutting him down

to shreads, knowing he could hear. I said something

to her about him hearing it (very calmy I might add),

she had a rage and kicked us out of the house (after

we'd been drinking). We had to drive back 3 hours,

and she was never concerned about whether or not we

made it back safely.

Well, the point of the story is that after this

happened, which she of course claims not to remember

and therefore isn't convinced that it happended, I

told her that she needed help. That if she could

admit there was a problem and work on it, I could work

on forgive her. That lead up to her telling me that I

wasn't perfect and had hurt her more than she'd ever

hurt me, etc. She couldn't give me any specific

examples though.

As to thearpy, her response was that she had been to

thearpy before, and the thearpist told her that she

didn't need to come back because she was emotionally

healthy. She also said that even when her and my dad

went to marriage counseling the couselor told them

that ALL of the problems in their marriage were his

fault and that they wanted to keep seeing him, but she

didn't need to come back. She said that he was passive

aggressive, which I do believe. So, she said there

wasn't any point of her going to thearpy because she's

not the one with the problems.

You just got to love a BPs reasoning abilities.

And that's why we haven't been talking because it just

created a stalemate.

> > __________________________________________________

> >

November 8, 2001

Mine too.

--- Carol M wrote:

It's weird how she can't remember stuff she said in a

drunken conversation the day before, yet she can

remember old grudges from 30 years ago.

> Hi & Everyone!

>

> I just had to put in my three cents worth. I

> inserted them below..................

>

> Best wishes,

> Carol

>

> wrote:

>

> > By the way, just because she doesn't say anything

> to you

> > (about something that you think would normally set

> her off)

> > doesn't neccessarily mean she's letting it go or

> has improved.

> Ditto! My mother never let anything go. On the day

> of the " blowup " in '99 and the resultant schism, she

> dredged up stuff from my teen years that I didn't

> even know had been issues. And I'm talking some 30+

> years ago! It's weird how she can't remember stuff

> she said in a drunken conversation the day

> before, yet she can remember old grudges from 30

> years ago.

>

> > My stepnada has a tendency to act like

> everything's fine to a

> > person's face or in group settings (when it suits

> her purposes),

> > and then, later, rant about how

> thoughtless-disrespectful-

> >

> irresponsible-inconsiderate-immoral-or-what-have-you

> the

> > person is, behind his or her back.

> Ditto! She always did it to others, but I never

> thought she'd do it to me, since I was always on her

> good side. Huh! When the chips were down, there

> were no allegiances.

>

> > I've had occasion to find out months later that on

> a visit with

> > my parents that I thought went just fine, I had

> said or done

> > some thing that had offended her and that she'd

> been

> > complaining about it to others behind my back.

> Ditto!

>

> > It's always the most surprising thing, too, you

> can never really

> > guess what's going to set her off.

> Ditto! It's like having a brick hanging over your

> head, never knowing when it would drop again.

> Sometimes months would go by, and things seemed

> good. Wham!!! Another brick would fall, just when

> things were beginning to get good again. On and on

> it went.

>

> > But that's just my nada. Yours may be more

> direct.

> Direct? Not mine! Discussion was out of the

> question. She had her mind made up, period,

> exclamation point. It was her way, or no way.

> Sometimes she'd appear to give in, but she'd come

> right back some other time and pick up where she

> left off.

>

> > Best,

> >

>

__________________________________________________

November 8, 2001

Mine too.

--- Carol M wrote:

It's weird how she can't remember stuff she said in a

drunken conversation the day before, yet she can

remember old grudges from 30 years ago.

> Hi & Everyone!

>

> I just had to put in my three cents worth. I

> inserted them below..................

>

> Best wishes,

> Carol

>

> wrote:

>

> > By the way, just because she doesn't say anything

> to you

> > (about something that you think would normally set

> her off)

> > doesn't neccessarily mean she's letting it go or

> has improved.

> Ditto! My mother never let anything go. On the day

> of the " blowup " in '99 and the resultant schism, she

> dredged up stuff from my teen years that I didn't

> even know had been issues. And I'm talking some 30+

> years ago! It's weird how she can't remember stuff

> she said in a drunken conversation the day

> before, yet she can remember old grudges from 30

> years ago.

>

> > My stepnada has a tendency to act like

> everything's fine to a

> > person's face or in group settings (when it suits

> her purposes),

> > and then, later, rant about how

> thoughtless-disrespectful-

> >

> irresponsible-inconsiderate-immoral-or-what-have-you

> the

> > person is, behind his or her back.

> Ditto! She always did it to others, but I never

> thought she'd do it to me, since I was always on her

> good side. Huh! When the chips were down, there

> were no allegiances.

>

> > I've had occasion to find out months later that on

> a visit with

> > my parents that I thought went just fine, I had

> said or done

> > some thing that had offended her and that she'd

> been

> > complaining about it to others behind my back.

> Ditto!

>

> > It's always the most surprising thing, too, you

> can never really

> > guess what's going to set her off.

> Ditto! It's like having a brick hanging over your

> head, never knowing when it would drop again.

> Sometimes months would go by, and things seemed

> good. Wham!!! Another brick would fall, just when

> things were beginning to get good again. On and on

> it went.

>

> > But that's just my nada. Yours may be more

> direct.

> Direct? Not mine! Discussion was out of the

> question. She had her mind made up, period,

> exclamation point. It was her way, or no way.

> Sometimes she'd appear to give in, but she'd come

> right back some other time and pick up where she

> left off.

>

> > Best,

> >

>

__________________________________________________

November 8, 2001

--- wrote:

> But that's just my nada. Yours may be more direct.

Sounds just like mine.

Right now she's in best behavior mode, I'm fairly

certain temporarily. All that proves to me is that

she can control her actions.

My problem is that I don't know what she's saying

behind my back. The only person she would talk to

about it is my dad, and he won't tell me what she

says. I did call him at work to tell him that I was

going to call their house that tell to tell my nada

that I was engaged. I asked him what I should expect,

and he just told me to handle it the best I can.

I just wish I know what her real intentions were,

because then I feel like I could make the right

decision.

--- wrote:

> By the way, just because she doesn't say anything to

> you (about something

> that you think would normally set her off) doesn't

> neccessarily mean she's

> letting it go or has improved. My stepnada has a

> tendency to act like

> everything's fine to a person's face or in group

> settings (when it suits her

> purposes), and then, later, rant about how

>

thoughtless-disrespectful-irresponsible-inconsiderate-immoral-or-what-have-you

>

> the person is, behind his or her back.

>

> I've had occasion to find out months later that on a

> visit with my parents

> that I thought went just fine, I had said or done

> some thing that had

> offended her and that she'd been complaining about

> it to others behind my

> back. It's always the most surprising thing, too,

> you can never really

> guess what's going to set her off.

>

> But that's just my nada. Yours may be more direct.

>

> Best,

>

> >

> >Reply-To: ModOasis

> >To: ModOasis

> >Subject: Re: Does anyone else have this

> problem?

> >Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2001 09:40:32 -0800 (PST)

> >

> >--- E D wrote:

> >

> > > has been extremely nice. Things that would

> normally

> > > send her into a rage, she doesn't even mention.

> >But now I feel like I'm the bad

> > > person for wanted to restrain contact with her

> > > because

> > > she's being so nice.

> >

> >I have two bpd parents and they go through these

> >phases too. With a spouse, it is called the

> honeymoon

> >stage (of the abuse cycle) when they are being nice

> to

> >you to try to get back in your good graces. Mine

> >always cycle out of that and back to being nasty,

> and

> >then cycle back to nice. I never know what mood

> >they're going to be in.

> >

> >Holly

> >

> >__________________________________________________

> >

November 8, 2001

--- wrote:

> But that's just my nada. Yours may be more direct.

Sounds just like mine.

Right now she's in best behavior mode, I'm fairly

certain temporarily. All that proves to me is that

she can control her actions.

My problem is that I don't know what she's saying

behind my back. The only person she would talk to

about it is my dad, and he won't tell me what she

says. I did call him at work to tell him that I was

going to call their house that tell to tell my nada

that I was engaged. I asked him what I should expect,

and he just told me to handle it the best I can.

I just wish I know what her real intentions were,

because then I feel like I could make the right

decision.

--- wrote:

> By the way, just because she doesn't say anything to

> you (about something

> that you think would normally set her off) doesn't

> neccessarily mean she's

> letting it go or has improved. My stepnada has a

> tendency to act like

> everything's fine to a person's face or in group

> settings (when it suits her

> purposes), and then, later, rant about how

>

thoughtless-disrespectful-irresponsible-inconsiderate-immoral-or-what-have-you

>

> the person is, behind his or her back.

>

> I've had occasion to find out months later that on a

> visit with my parents

> that I thought went just fine, I had said or done

> some thing that had

> offended her and that she'd been complaining about

> it to others behind my

> back. It's always the most surprising thing, too,

> you can never really

> guess what's going to set her off.

>

> But that's just my nada. Yours may be more direct.

>

> Best,

>

> >

> >Reply-To: ModOasis

> >To: ModOasis

> >Subject: Re: Does anyone else have this

> problem?

> >Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2001 09:40:32 -0800 (PST)

> >

> >--- E D wrote:

> >

> > > has been extremely nice. Things that would

> normally

> > > send her into a rage, she doesn't even mention.

> >But now I feel like I'm the bad

> > > person for wanted to restrain contact with her

> > > because

> > > she's being so nice.

> >

> >I have two bpd parents and they go through these

> >phases too. With a spouse, it is called the

> honeymoon

> >stage (of the abuse cycle) when they are being nice

> to

> >you to try to get back in your good graces. Mine

> >always cycle out of that and back to being nasty,

> and

> >then cycle back to nice. I never know what mood

> >they're going to be in.

> >

> >Holly

> >

> >__________________________________________________