Guest guest Posted May 16, 2001 Report Share Posted May 16, 2001 --- R wrote: > > I feel so confused. I'm trying to deal with my > relationship between myself and my mother. All my > feelings are twisted and I never can tell if I have the > right to feel sad or hurt or I'm just feeling sorry for > myself. HI!!!! For me, it took me a long time to get over my BP mom's " you have a right to " and " you don't have a right to " crap. These are still trigger words for me. Basically, I think it's about some external force invading my space and trying to convince me I feel however THEY want me to. So I just decided... bump it! I feel how I feel. And there ain't nothing wrong with that. Now... how to help myself feel better? That's a whole new interesting question. > I've been seeing someone for 2 years now. Everyone sees > us as Boyfriend and Girlfriend, except him... I feel like > > there's something wrong with me. I've been told i'm > beauitful, and that I'm a wonderful person. Do you mean that you feel inherently not-enough or something like that? > I can never make > anyone happy, including my mother and past boyfriends. > WHY???? > Maybe it's not about you. They got the empty spot. They have to fill it up themselves. If you could fill it, you would have already suceeded by now. Because you are not an ineffective person. __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2001 Report Share Posted May 16, 2001 --- R wrote: > > I feel so confused. I'm trying to deal with my > relationship between myself and my mother. All my > feelings are twisted and I never can tell if I have the > right to feel sad or hurt or I'm just feeling sorry for > myself. HI!!!! For me, it took me a long time to get over my BP mom's " you have a right to " and " you don't have a right to " crap. These are still trigger words for me. Basically, I think it's about some external force invading my space and trying to convince me I feel however THEY want me to. So I just decided... bump it! I feel how I feel. And there ain't nothing wrong with that. Now... how to help myself feel better? That's a whole new interesting question. > I've been seeing someone for 2 years now. Everyone sees > us as Boyfriend and Girlfriend, except him... I feel like > > there's something wrong with me. I've been told i'm > beauitful, and that I'm a wonderful person. Do you mean that you feel inherently not-enough or something like that? > I can never make > anyone happy, including my mother and past boyfriends. > WHY???? > Maybe it's not about you. They got the empty spot. They have to fill it up themselves. If you could fill it, you would have already suceeded by now. Because you are not an ineffective person. __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2001 Report Share Posted May 16, 2001 Hi , I just feel like nothing I do is good enough. I'm also afraid to express my feelings because if my so called sometimes bf doesn't like how i feel or can't be bothered, I'm afraid he'll leave me. I guess that's my biggest fear...feeling empty and being alone. Since this whole thing with my mother I've felt extremely empty, He (lets just say he's my bf) has helped me and with out him I feel like I have no one. I wish i were stronger. My friends all see me as this strong woman, but if they only knew how weak I really am. I get so upset during times like this I just want to sleep and i can't eat. Maybe if I were stronger toward him he would want me. I realize in time (how long I don't know) I'll get better and perhaps feel stronger. It's just right now I feel like dropping everything and sleeping until this whole thing passes. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I feel like I'm a burden to my friends and others but I don't know what else to do. nicole_messages@... wrote: --- R wrote: > > I feel so confused. I'm trying to deal with my > relationship between myself and my mother. All my > feelings are twisted and I never can tell if I have the > right to feel sad or hurt or I'm just feeling sorry for > myself. HI!!!! For me, it took me a long time to get over my BP mom's " you have a right to " and " you don't have a right to " crap. These are still trigger words for me. Basically, I think it's about some external force invading my space and trying to convince me I feel however THEY want me to. So I just decided... bump it! I feel how I feel. And there ain't nothing wrong with that. Now... how to help myself feel better? That's a whole new interesting question. > I've been seeing someone for 2 years now. Everyone sees > us as Boyfriend and Girlfriend, except him... I feel like > > there's something wrong with me. I've been told i'm > beauitful, and that I'm a wonderful person. Do you mean that you feel inherently not-enough or something like that? > I can never make > anyone happy, including my mother and past boyfriends. > WHY???? > Maybe it's not about you. They got the empty spot. They have to fill it up themselves. If you could fill it, you would have already suceeded by now. Because you are not an ineffective person. __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2001 Report Share Posted May 16, 2001 Hi , I just feel like nothing I do is good enough. I'm also afraid to express my feelings because if my so called sometimes bf doesn't like how i feel or can't be bothered, I'm afraid he'll leave me. I guess that's my biggest fear...feeling empty and being alone. Since this whole thing with my mother I've felt extremely empty, He (lets just say he's my bf) has helped me and with out him I feel like I have no one. I wish i were stronger. My friends all see me as this strong woman, but if they only knew how weak I really am. I get so upset during times like this I just want to sleep and i can't eat. Maybe if I were stronger toward him he would want me. I realize in time (how long I don't know) I'll get better and perhaps feel stronger. It's just right now I feel like dropping everything and sleeping until this whole thing passes. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I feel like I'm a burden to my friends and others but I don't know what else to do. nicole_messages@... wrote: --- R wrote: > > I feel so confused. I'm trying to deal with my > relationship between myself and my mother. All my > feelings are twisted and I never can tell if I have the > right to feel sad or hurt or I'm just feeling sorry for > myself. HI!!!! For me, it took me a long time to get over my BP mom's " you have a right to " and " you don't have a right to " crap. These are still trigger words for me. Basically, I think it's about some external force invading my space and trying to convince me I feel however THEY want me to. So I just decided... bump it! I feel how I feel. And there ain't nothing wrong with that. Now... how to help myself feel better? That's a whole new interesting question. > I've been seeing someone for 2 years now. Everyone sees > us as Boyfriend and Girlfriend, except him... I feel like > > there's something wrong with me. I've been told i'm > beauitful, and that I'm a wonderful person. Do you mean that you feel inherently not-enough or something like that? > I can never make > anyone happy, including my mother and past boyfriends. > WHY???? > Maybe it's not about you. They got the empty spot. They have to fill it up themselves. If you could fill it, you would have already suceeded by now. Because you are not an ineffective person. __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2001 Report Share Posted May 16, 2001 Hi , I just feel like nothing I do is good enough. I'm also afraid to express my feelings because if my so called sometimes bf doesn't like how i feel or can't be bothered, I'm afraid he'll leave me. I guess that's my biggest fear...feeling empty and being alone. Since this whole thing with my mother I've felt extremely empty, He (lets just say he's my bf) has helped me and with out him I feel like I have no one. I wish i were stronger. My friends all see me as this strong woman, but if they only knew how weak I really am. I get so upset during times like this I just want to sleep and i can't eat. Maybe if I were stronger toward him he would want me. I realize in time (how long I don't know) I'll get better and perhaps feel stronger. It's just right now I feel like dropping everything and sleeping until this whole thing passes. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I feel like I'm a burden to my friends and others but I don't know what else to do. nicole_messages@... wrote: --- R wrote: > > I feel so confused. I'm trying to deal with my > relationship between myself and my mother. All my > feelings are twisted and I never can tell if I have the > right to feel sad or hurt or I'm just feeling sorry for > myself. HI!!!! For me, it took me a long time to get over my BP mom's " you have a right to " and " you don't have a right to " crap. These are still trigger words for me. Basically, I think it's about some external force invading my space and trying to convince me I feel however THEY want me to. So I just decided... bump it! I feel how I feel. And there ain't nothing wrong with that. Now... how to help myself feel better? That's a whole new interesting question. > I've been seeing someone for 2 years now. Everyone sees > us as Boyfriend and Girlfriend, except him... I feel like > > there's something wrong with me. I've been told i'm > beauitful, and that I'm a wonderful person. Do you mean that you feel inherently not-enough or something like that? > I can never make > anyone happy, including my mother and past boyfriends. > WHY???? > Maybe it's not about you. They got the empty spot. They have to fill it up themselves. If you could fill it, you would have already suceeded by now. Because you are not an ineffective person. __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2001 Report Share Posted May 16, 2001 , First of all, you are not a burden! You are a human being deserving of compassion and understanding. And it sounds like you are not getting enough of that in your life. I agree with that you don't have to think you have the " right " to feel something before letting yourself feel with it. Now, I know this is hard, because I do the same thing myself. I've made some progress, but I'm not completely there. Try to become aware of when you are " squashing " feelings because you think they're not " right " . Then stop and think about what is going on. You feel the way you feel for a reason... what is that reason? Why is your mind/soul feeling this way? And I am not suggesting you use this method to try to justify your feelings, only to better understand them. Try to give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel without censoring it. And then work on understanding it. It doesn't mean you have to blurt it out to everyone around you (although working on sharing your feelings honestly is probably a good thing, it needs to be in a supportive environment where you feel safe and will be heard). And if you are feeling sorry for yourself, maybe it's for a good reason! You probably have a lot to grieve over. As far as your sort-of BF goes, this does not sound like a good situation. The fact that after TWO YEARS he is unwilling to commit to you (except when it's convenient for him) is bad news. It sounds like he wants all the advantages of a girlfriend AND being single, and that's not fair to you. If being the " perfect " girlfriend and doing everything for him hasn't worked yet, it probably never will. << I'm the perfect girlfriend to him, I do everything for him, we're wonderful friends and he's my first love. <snip> I am constantly trying to out do myself to show him how wonderful I am. I feel like there's something wrong with me. >> These statements really gave me pause. Now, I may be getting this all wrong, so set me straight if I am. But... when I read this, it sounded to me like you're thinking " if I could only be more perfect, maybe he would want me as his girlfriend " . This is the reasoning of an abused person (think of the battered wife that thinks if she only hadn't pissed him off maybe he wouldn't have hit her). Do you believe it's your fault that he won't commit to you? If you do, you need to seriously examine your thinking on this! You can't " make " anyone do anything! A man will CHOOSE to commit to you because he loves you and wants to be with you, NOT because you " convince " him to do it by being the " perfect " girlfriend. I don't know your BF, but someone who loves and cares for you would NEVER do this: " when he wants to mess around then it's not convient for him to have to deal with me. " << I can never make anyone happy, including my mother and past boyfriends. WHY???? >> , I would guess that this has more to do with your mother and the men you are choosing for boyfriends than with you being a bad person. KOs were taught to believe that abuse was normal. Abuse becomes comfortable to us... it's all we know. So, when we grow up and leave mom and dad, many of us seek out new people that will treat us in the same way. In all honesty, your BF sounds like a jerk, and it pisses me off that he is treating you like this. And it makes me really sad that you feel like it's your fault, and that you continue to let him do this to you. I was in an abusive relationship that lasted for 2 years. This guy raped me on an almost daily basis, and I honestly believed it was MY fault. So I know how sick and twisted these things can become. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS SUCH!!!!! THIS GUY IS NOT TREATING YOU RIGHT!!!!! These may be incredibly painful things to hear, maybe I'm reacting too strongly, or maybe I'm way off base. I don't know. Don't be afraid to tell me I've got it all wrong. This list is a place where you can talk and be heard, so if I'm not hearing you, let me know. I also understand not wanting to be alone. I think this is a normal feeling... HOWEVER, I also believe that it is crucial to become comfortable with your Self (and for many people this means becoming comfortable being alone) before you can have a good relationship with anyone. I know it's lonely and scary, but it will be hard for you to heal if you are not in a supportive place, and this relationship does not sound supportive. Even if you feel that he helps you through stuff with your mom, someone that treats you like he does is doing you more harm than good. I hope you don't feel like I'm running roughshod over you. Your post provoked a strong reaction in me, because I feel that you are being treated badly. Please let me know what you think. Hugs, Anon --- R wrote: > > I feel so confused. I'm trying to deal with my relationship > between myself and my mother. All my feelings are twisted and > I never can tell if I have the right to feel sad or hurt or > I'm just feeling sorry for myself. > > I've been seeing someone for 2 years now. Everyone sees us as > Boyfriend and Girlfriend, except him. I'm the perfect > girlfriend to him, I do everything for him, we're wonderful > friends and he's my first love. We have a constant problem > though...he from time to time will tell me he doesn't want me > as a girlfriend. I don't understand how he can say this to me > when he utilizes me as a girlfriend but when he wants to mess > around then it's not convient for him to have to deal with me. > I am constantly trying to out do myself to show him how > wonderful I am. I feel like there's something wrong with me. > I've been told i'm beauitful, and that I'm a wonderful person. > > > Last night we were together watching television and the phone > rang. It was someone he used to have relations with. I > couldn't breathe the whole time he spoke with her. I wanted > to die. I'm so hurt and angry at him for talking to her in > his flirty voice while I was there. He shouldn't have been > speaking to her at all. Now I have to hear " I don't want a > girlfriend " . I can never make anyone happy, including my > mother and past boyfriends. WHY???? > > I'm so confused __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2001 Report Share Posted May 16, 2001 , First of all, you are not a burden! You are a human being deserving of compassion and understanding. And it sounds like you are not getting enough of that in your life. I agree with that you don't have to think you have the " right " to feel something before letting yourself feel with it. Now, I know this is hard, because I do the same thing myself. I've made some progress, but I'm not completely there. Try to become aware of when you are " squashing " feelings because you think they're not " right " . Then stop and think about what is going on. You feel the way you feel for a reason... what is that reason? Why is your mind/soul feeling this way? And I am not suggesting you use this method to try to justify your feelings, only to better understand them. Try to give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel without censoring it. And then work on understanding it. It doesn't mean you have to blurt it out to everyone around you (although working on sharing your feelings honestly is probably a good thing, it needs to be in a supportive environment where you feel safe and will be heard). And if you are feeling sorry for yourself, maybe it's for a good reason! You probably have a lot to grieve over. As far as your sort-of BF goes, this does not sound like a good situation. The fact that after TWO YEARS he is unwilling to commit to you (except when it's convenient for him) is bad news. It sounds like he wants all the advantages of a girlfriend AND being single, and that's not fair to you. If being the " perfect " girlfriend and doing everything for him hasn't worked yet, it probably never will. << I'm the perfect girlfriend to him, I do everything for him, we're wonderful friends and he's my first love. <snip> I am constantly trying to out do myself to show him how wonderful I am. I feel like there's something wrong with me. >> These statements really gave me pause. Now, I may be getting this all wrong, so set me straight if I am. But... when I read this, it sounded to me like you're thinking " if I could only be more perfect, maybe he would want me as his girlfriend " . This is the reasoning of an abused person (think of the battered wife that thinks if she only hadn't pissed him off maybe he wouldn't have hit her). Do you believe it's your fault that he won't commit to you? If you do, you need to seriously examine your thinking on this! You can't " make " anyone do anything! A man will CHOOSE to commit to you because he loves you and wants to be with you, NOT because you " convince " him to do it by being the " perfect " girlfriend. I don't know your BF, but someone who loves and cares for you would NEVER do this: " when he wants to mess around then it's not convient for him to have to deal with me. " << I can never make anyone happy, including my mother and past boyfriends. WHY???? >> , I would guess that this has more to do with your mother and the men you are choosing for boyfriends than with you being a bad person. KOs were taught to believe that abuse was normal. Abuse becomes comfortable to us... it's all we know. So, when we grow up and leave mom and dad, many of us seek out new people that will treat us in the same way. In all honesty, your BF sounds like a jerk, and it pisses me off that he is treating you like this. And it makes me really sad that you feel like it's your fault, and that you continue to let him do this to you. I was in an abusive relationship that lasted for 2 years. This guy raped me on an almost daily basis, and I honestly believed it was MY fault. So I know how sick and twisted these things can become. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS SUCH!!!!! THIS GUY IS NOT TREATING YOU RIGHT!!!!! These may be incredibly painful things to hear, maybe I'm reacting too strongly, or maybe I'm way off base. I don't know. Don't be afraid to tell me I've got it all wrong. This list is a place where you can talk and be heard, so if I'm not hearing you, let me know. I also understand not wanting to be alone. I think this is a normal feeling... HOWEVER, I also believe that it is crucial to become comfortable with your Self (and for many people this means becoming comfortable being alone) before you can have a good relationship with anyone. I know it's lonely and scary, but it will be hard for you to heal if you are not in a supportive place, and this relationship does not sound supportive. Even if you feel that he helps you through stuff with your mom, someone that treats you like he does is doing you more harm than good. I hope you don't feel like I'm running roughshod over you. Your post provoked a strong reaction in me, because I feel that you are being treated badly. Please let me know what you think. Hugs, Anon --- R wrote: > > I feel so confused. I'm trying to deal with my relationship > between myself and my mother. All my feelings are twisted and > I never can tell if I have the right to feel sad or hurt or > I'm just feeling sorry for myself. > > I've been seeing someone for 2 years now. Everyone sees us as > Boyfriend and Girlfriend, except him. I'm the perfect > girlfriend to him, I do everything for him, we're wonderful > friends and he's my first love. We have a constant problem > though...he from time to time will tell me he doesn't want me > as a girlfriend. I don't understand how he can say this to me > when he utilizes me as a girlfriend but when he wants to mess > around then it's not convient for him to have to deal with me. > I am constantly trying to out do myself to show him how > wonderful I am. I feel like there's something wrong with me. > I've been told i'm beauitful, and that I'm a wonderful person. > > > Last night we were together watching television and the phone > rang. It was someone he used to have relations with. I > couldn't breathe the whole time he spoke with her. I wanted > to die. I'm so hurt and angry at him for talking to her in > his flirty voice while I was there. He shouldn't have been > speaking to her at all. Now I have to hear " I don't want a > girlfriend " . I can never make anyone happy, including my > mother and past boyfriends. WHY???? > > I'm so confused __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2001 Report Share Posted May 16, 2001 , I can tell that you are really hurting, and I'm so sorry that you feel that way. I want you to know that you are not a burden. I am not responding to your e-mail because I feel obligated. I am responding to you because you seem like a truly wonderful person that is going through a hard time. And that's one of the purposes of this list... we help each other through the hard times. I'm really glad that you have been able to post to the list, and share the way you are feeling. Also, if you have a close friend that you can trust, you might want to try hard to overcome your feelings of being a burden, and confide in that friend. You need some support right now -- don't be afraid to ask for it. << Sometimes when I reflect on what I've endured in my life it's hard for me to accept I've been abused because I try to appear normal and admiorable to others. >> << I always feel as if something's my fault. If I do express something to either of them I find myself always saying " sorry " after I see their reaction. I feel guilty if what I said caused the day to go sour. >> Not allowing you to freely have and express your opinions and feelings is abuse. << her because her disappointment toward me would hurt too much. >> This is abuse. Non-abusive mothers may be " disappointed " with their children, but they do not hurt their children as a result -- they love them unconditionally. << Then if I have a reaction to something...I mess things up by saying something or by my mood changing. >> Not having the freedom or safety to be your Self is abuse. You should be able to say what you think and feel, and you are allowed to change your mood. << I'm afraid the day I say " no " he'll leave me and find it some where else. >> This is abuse. It is NOT unconditional love. I actually get mad at my husband because he WON'T say no to me. I love him so much, that I want him to be able to stand up for himself and get what's best for him. If your BF loves you, he will tolerate and even welcome hearing you say " no " . If he won't do this, then he does not love you (he is concerned only for himself), and he is not the man for you. Do like Edith did, and practice saying it to yourself in the mirror. Get comfortable with the word. Try it out on friends, and in safe relationships first. << since I was young my mother would tell me the only reason people listen to me or take me out is because they feel sorry for me. >> This is abuse. << My mother always told me never to trust your so called friends because they'll always lie to you just to make themselves look better. >> THIS is projection! I would guess that your MOTHER would lie to make herself look better. She would then project this quality onto the people around her, and then warn you that you need to protect yourself from such people. Just a hunch. << The worst part about my dating issues is when I do meet someone nice, and sweet blah, blah... I don't want them. >> This can be for several reasons. It's possible that, due to your upbringing, you are still seeking out abusers to try to reenact your childhood, this time with the hope of getting it " right " (usually a futile endeavor). It's also possible that you just haven't met the RIGHT sweet and nice person. I was also in relationships with sweet and nice people that treated me wonderfully and I was miserable. Why? They simply were not the right person for me. My husband is very sweet and nice, but I fell for him immediately. He also has a lot in common with my dad (who is also sweet and nice), with whom I have some unresolved issues. So, I think I picked my husband, in part, to unconsciously resolve those issues. Thankfully, I picked my husband as a " stand-in " for the sweet and nice NON-BP parent, otherwise I might have ended up married to a BP! Of course, I wasn't aware of any of this at the time, but I'm starting to see it now; especially as the issues with my dad become more apparent. As you resolve the issues with your mom, you might find more luck in choosing someone that cares for you and treats you right. << I become angry when I realize how much I've done for Ken and helped him. >> Good! I think you have the RIGHT to be angry about the way he is treating you. << Then when I feel like he might leave me I feel like I've been used. So when an argument happens and we give it some space I act like I'm not unhappy or affected by it the next time I see him and I know I do this just so he stays. I've never said " no " to him about ANYTHING. I'm afraid the day I say " no " he'll leave me and find it some where else. I can see myself doing all these things to hold on to him and I guess there all desparate things. >> I think you said it best yourself... these are desperate things. I think you know that you are not acting in your own best interest here, but you're struggling with facing the pain that will come by making a change. Which is worse? The pain you are feeling by staying in the relationship, or the pain of leaving (that will eventually subside as you heal)? << I want to feel wanted, and constantly cared for (like a child). I've never felt like I've belonged to anyone. >> This is a really hard thing that all of us KOs have struggled with. It hurts a whole hell of a lot to realize you didn't feel loved and cared for by your PARENT -- the person that is supposed to love and care for you more than anyone else on this earth. I don't think this pain ever goes away completely, but it does lessen. You MUST learn how to love and care for your Self. There is NO ONE ELSE that can fill this void for you. You are looking for someone to give you something you should have received from your mother. The cruel trick, here, is that getting it from someone else isn't good enough. If it doesn't come from her, you will still continue to look for it. So, you must learn that you are not going to get this, and learn to soothe yourself. << I'm adopted, so I have more issues than just this. >> I can certainly see how this might complicate things. I'm not adopted, but maybe if there's someone else on the list who is (Ilene?), they can share their experiences. The end result is the same, though, even if it's harder -- you have to learn to love your Self. << I feel like my mother must think she picked the wrong kid and wasted her money on me. I'm extremely insecure but if you met me I'd never let it show. >> What pours out of your writing is the message that you don't love yourself. That's why you're afraid to be alone, and why you think you're a burden and there's something wrong with you. This is what nada taught you. It's wrong, though, and I think you are here on this list because a part of you knows that. That part of you DOES love you, and is ready to take action to change some things in your life. I also have a part of me that believes in me and loves me. That part of me made me leave the abusive relationship I was in, and helped me realize that it WASN'T my fault. It was really hard to do, though, and it hurt a lot. It's also the part of me that is pushing me to come to terms with my childhood; to learn how to love and treasure myself. To learn to trust my husband and let him in. To learn how to set boundaries with my mother and father, that I have the right to protect myself, that I deserve to be treated well. All of this has taken time, and is an ongoing process. And there have been times when it hurts like hell. I always get through them, though, and I end up feeling a whole lot better when it's over. I think you're hurting right now because that part of you that wants to change is pushing, and the rest of you is pushing back. In " The Road Less Traveled " , Peck speculates that people become depressed when their conscious and unconscious are out of sync. Your unconscious is sending you the message that you need to make some changes, but your conscious is scared, and it's trying not to hear the message. Change is scary and hard, and many people won't even think about. You're here because you're thinking about it. Don't be hard on yourself. This process does not occur overnight. Eventually, you'll start to see things differently, the pain will start to subside, and you will have a better understanding of what is best for you, and you will start to take steps to make it happen. You're hurting now, but it's part of the process. So, embrace the pain -- it signifies that you are learning, growing, changing. And, if you don't stuff the hurt (e.g., message from your unconscious), if you listen to it, you can learn a lot from it. It will guide you to make the changes that are best for you, and if you do that, it will eventually stop hurting -- I promise. << Sometimes I feel like I want to be loved so badly, I'll do anything and suffer through anything just to get there. >> If you do anything, and suffer through anything, you are not getting love. << Everything is so painful, and the worst part is when my world crumbles in all i want to do is be held by someone. >> Try holding yourself. I'm not kidding! When I am feeling really down, I will picture myself as a child (usually around 5 years old). I picture myself holding my child self, rocking her, and stroking her hair. I tell her that everything is okay now, that I love her and that she's safe. I hold her so tight and I am protective of her. And I tell her that I'll love her no matter what. It sounds silly, but it has a very powerful effect on me. This is part of learning how to love and soothe your Self. I know this has been long and rambling! I hope I have been clear and that it is of some help to you. Please keep posting. Hugs, Anon --- R wrote: > > Anon, > > Thank you for responding. In your response to my message, I > want you to know you're not getting this all wrong. I try to > be perfect toward my so-called-bf, and to my mother. I'm > always reading between the lines to be one step ahead to make > either of them happy. I always feel as if something's my > fault. If I do express something to either of them I find > myself always saying " sorry " after I see their reaction. I > feel guilty if what I said caused the day to go sour. > > Sometimes when I reflect on what I've endured in my life it's > hard for me to accept I've been abused because I try to appear > normal and admiorable to others. When I would please my > mother she would make me feel so wonderful and I would always > try to get that response from her because her disappointment > toward me would hurt too much. I have a habit of always > making everyone feel good except me. When I have a friend > who's upset I'll do anything to make them feel better or at > least smile, because I know how it feels to hurt all the time > and I don't want anyone I love to feel that. It's too bad I > can't treat myself as good as I treat everyone else. > > My previous bf of 3 years abused me in every way possible; > rape, ignoring me, beating me, lying to me, yelling, > embarrassing me, and more. So when I met (so-called-bf=Ken), > Ken he had none of these qualities so I figured " I'm in the > clear " maybe now I'll get involved with someone in a healty > relationship. It would still appear that I'm with another > someone who isn't treating me right? huh? It's just when > things are good between Ken and I, things are great. Then if > I have a reaction to something...I mess things up by saying > something or by my mood changing. I'm embarrassed to say but > I hate being by myself when things are bad between Ken and I. > The worst part about my dating issues is when I do meet > someone nice, and sweet blah, blah... I don't want them. It's > as if they aren't man enough for me. I seek alot of fatherly > qualities too. > > I become angry when I realize how much I've done for Ken and > helped him. Then when I feel like he might leave me I feel > like I've been used. So when an argument happens and we give > it some space I act like I'm not unhappy or affected by it the > next time I see him and I know I do this just so he stays. > I've never said " no " to him about ANYTHING. I'm afraid the > day I say " no " he'll leave me and find it some where else. I > can see myself doing all these things to hold on to him and I > guess there all desparate things. When we go out I try to > look so beautiful and I tell him I only do it for him. It's > almost as if I want to be his possession. I want to feel > wanted, and constantly cared for (like a child). I've never > felt like I've belonged to anyone. I'm adopted, so I have > more issues than just this. I feel like my mother must think > she picked the wrong kid and wasted her money on me. I'm > extremely insecure but if you met me I'd never let it show. > Sometimes I feel like I want to be loved so badly, I'll do > anything and suffer through anything just to get there. > > I'm constantly feeling like I'm a burden because since I was > young my mother would tell me the only reason people listen to > me or take me out is because they feel sorry for me. Or my > uncle takes me out to dinner because he's my uncle and if he > wasn't he wouldn't want to be bothered. I have a hard time > trusting my friends even though I know they are all good > people. My mother always told me never to trust your so > called friends because they'll always lie to you just to make > themselves look better. > > Everything is so painful, and the worst part is when my world > crumbles in all i want to do is be held by someone. I don't > turn to anyone because I'm afraid of burdening them with my > problems. I wish my mother would hold me but that will never > happen. > > (please forgive me, for any mistakes in my message) __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 16, 2001 Report Share Posted May 16, 2001 , I can tell that you are really hurting, and I'm so sorry that you feel that way. I want you to know that you are not a burden. I am not responding to your e-mail because I feel obligated. I am responding to you because you seem like a truly wonderful person that is going through a hard time. And that's one of the purposes of this list... we help each other through the hard times. I'm really glad that you have been able to post to the list, and share the way you are feeling. Also, if you have a close friend that you can trust, you might want to try hard to overcome your feelings of being a burden, and confide in that friend. You need some support right now -- don't be afraid to ask for it. << Sometimes when I reflect on what I've endured in my life it's hard for me to accept I've been abused because I try to appear normal and admiorable to others. >> << I always feel as if something's my fault. If I do express something to either of them I find myself always saying " sorry " after I see their reaction. I feel guilty if what I said caused the day to go sour. >> Not allowing you to freely have and express your opinions and feelings is abuse. << her because her disappointment toward me would hurt too much. >> This is abuse. Non-abusive mothers may be " disappointed " with their children, but they do not hurt their children as a result -- they love them unconditionally. << Then if I have a reaction to something...I mess things up by saying something or by my mood changing. >> Not having the freedom or safety to be your Self is abuse. You should be able to say what you think and feel, and you are allowed to change your mood. << I'm afraid the day I say " no " he'll leave me and find it some where else. >> This is abuse. It is NOT unconditional love. I actually get mad at my husband because he WON'T say no to me. I love him so much, that I want him to be able to stand up for himself and get what's best for him. If your BF loves you, he will tolerate and even welcome hearing you say " no " . If he won't do this, then he does not love you (he is concerned only for himself), and he is not the man for you. Do like Edith did, and practice saying it to yourself in the mirror. Get comfortable with the word. Try it out on friends, and in safe relationships first. << since I was young my mother would tell me the only reason people listen to me or take me out is because they feel sorry for me. >> This is abuse. << My mother always told me never to trust your so called friends because they'll always lie to you just to make themselves look better. >> THIS is projection! I would guess that your MOTHER would lie to make herself look better. She would then project this quality onto the people around her, and then warn you that you need to protect yourself from such people. Just a hunch. << The worst part about my dating issues is when I do meet someone nice, and sweet blah, blah... I don't want them. >> This can be for several reasons. It's possible that, due to your upbringing, you are still seeking out abusers to try to reenact your childhood, this time with the hope of getting it " right " (usually a futile endeavor). It's also possible that you just haven't met the RIGHT sweet and nice person. I was also in relationships with sweet and nice people that treated me wonderfully and I was miserable. Why? They simply were not the right person for me. My husband is very sweet and nice, but I fell for him immediately. He also has a lot in common with my dad (who is also sweet and nice), with whom I have some unresolved issues. So, I think I picked my husband, in part, to unconsciously resolve those issues. Thankfully, I picked my husband as a " stand-in " for the sweet and nice NON-BP parent, otherwise I might have ended up married to a BP! Of course, I wasn't aware of any of this at the time, but I'm starting to see it now; especially as the issues with my dad become more apparent. As you resolve the issues with your mom, you might find more luck in choosing someone that cares for you and treats you right. << I become angry when I realize how much I've done for Ken and helped him. >> Good! I think you have the RIGHT to be angry about the way he is treating you. << Then when I feel like he might leave me I feel like I've been used. So when an argument happens and we give it some space I act like I'm not unhappy or affected by it the next time I see him and I know I do this just so he stays. I've never said " no " to him about ANYTHING. I'm afraid the day I say " no " he'll leave me and find it some where else. I can see myself doing all these things to hold on to him and I guess there all desparate things. >> I think you said it best yourself... these are desperate things. I think you know that you are not acting in your own best interest here, but you're struggling with facing the pain that will come by making a change. Which is worse? The pain you are feeling by staying in the relationship, or the pain of leaving (that will eventually subside as you heal)? << I want to feel wanted, and constantly cared for (like a child). I've never felt like I've belonged to anyone. >> This is a really hard thing that all of us KOs have struggled with. It hurts a whole hell of a lot to realize you didn't feel loved and cared for by your PARENT -- the person that is supposed to love and care for you more than anyone else on this earth. I don't think this pain ever goes away completely, but it does lessen. You MUST learn how to love and care for your Self. There is NO ONE ELSE that can fill this void for you. You are looking for someone to give you something you should have received from your mother. The cruel trick, here, is that getting it from someone else isn't good enough. If it doesn't come from her, you will still continue to look for it. So, you must learn that you are not going to get this, and learn to soothe yourself. << I'm adopted, so I have more issues than just this. >> I can certainly see how this might complicate things. I'm not adopted, but maybe if there's someone else on the list who is (Ilene?), they can share their experiences. The end result is the same, though, even if it's harder -- you have to learn to love your Self. << I feel like my mother must think she picked the wrong kid and wasted her money on me. I'm extremely insecure but if you met me I'd never let it show. >> What pours out of your writing is the message that you don't love yourself. That's why you're afraid to be alone, and why you think you're a burden and there's something wrong with you. This is what nada taught you. It's wrong, though, and I think you are here on this list because a part of you knows that. That part of you DOES love you, and is ready to take action to change some things in your life. I also have a part of me that believes in me and loves me. That part of me made me leave the abusive relationship I was in, and helped me realize that it WASN'T my fault. It was really hard to do, though, and it hurt a lot. It's also the part of me that is pushing me to come to terms with my childhood; to learn how to love and treasure myself. To learn to trust my husband and let him in. To learn how to set boundaries with my mother and father, that I have the right to protect myself, that I deserve to be treated well. All of this has taken time, and is an ongoing process. And there have been times when it hurts like hell. I always get through them, though, and I end up feeling a whole lot better when it's over. I think you're hurting right now because that part of you that wants to change is pushing, and the rest of you is pushing back. In " The Road Less Traveled " , Peck speculates that people become depressed when their conscious and unconscious are out of sync. Your unconscious is sending you the message that you need to make some changes, but your conscious is scared, and it's trying not to hear the message. Change is scary and hard, and many people won't even think about. You're here because you're thinking about it. Don't be hard on yourself. This process does not occur overnight. Eventually, you'll start to see things differently, the pain will start to subside, and you will have a better understanding of what is best for you, and you will start to take steps to make it happen. You're hurting now, but it's part of the process. So, embrace the pain -- it signifies that you are learning, growing, changing. And, if you don't stuff the hurt (e.g., message from your unconscious), if you listen to it, you can learn a lot from it. It will guide you to make the changes that are best for you, and if you do that, it will eventually stop hurting -- I promise. << Sometimes I feel like I want to be loved so badly, I'll do anything and suffer through anything just to get there. >> If you do anything, and suffer through anything, you are not getting love. << Everything is so painful, and the worst part is when my world crumbles in all i want to do is be held by someone. >> Try holding yourself. I'm not kidding! When I am feeling really down, I will picture myself as a child (usually around 5 years old). I picture myself holding my child self, rocking her, and stroking her hair. I tell her that everything is okay now, that I love her and that she's safe. I hold her so tight and I am protective of her. And I tell her that I'll love her no matter what. It sounds silly, but it has a very powerful effect on me. This is part of learning how to love and soothe your Self. I know this has been long and rambling! I hope I have been clear and that it is of some help to you. Please keep posting. Hugs, Anon --- R wrote: > > Anon, > > Thank you for responding. In your response to my message, I > want you to know you're not getting this all wrong. I try to > be perfect toward my so-called-bf, and to my mother. I'm > always reading between the lines to be one step ahead to make > either of them happy. I always feel as if something's my > fault. If I do express something to either of them I find > myself always saying " sorry " after I see their reaction. I > feel guilty if what I said caused the day to go sour. > > Sometimes when I reflect on what I've endured in my life it's > hard for me to accept I've been abused because I try to appear > normal and admiorable to others. When I would please my > mother she would make me feel so wonderful and I would always > try to get that response from her because her disappointment > toward me would hurt too much. I have a habit of always > making everyone feel good except me. When I have a friend > who's upset I'll do anything to make them feel better or at > least smile, because I know how it feels to hurt all the time > and I don't want anyone I love to feel that. It's too bad I > can't treat myself as good as I treat everyone else. > > My previous bf of 3 years abused me in every way possible; > rape, ignoring me, beating me, lying to me, yelling, > embarrassing me, and more. So when I met (so-called-bf=Ken), > Ken he had none of these qualities so I figured " I'm in the > clear " maybe now I'll get involved with someone in a healty > relationship. It would still appear that I'm with another > someone who isn't treating me right? huh? It's just when > things are good between Ken and I, things are great. Then if > I have a reaction to something...I mess things up by saying > something or by my mood changing. I'm embarrassed to say but > I hate being by myself when things are bad between Ken and I. > The worst part about my dating issues is when I do meet > someone nice, and sweet blah, blah... I don't want them. It's > as if they aren't man enough for me. I seek alot of fatherly > qualities too. > > I become angry when I realize how much I've done for Ken and > helped him. Then when I feel like he might leave me I feel > like I've been used. So when an argument happens and we give > it some space I act like I'm not unhappy or affected by it the > next time I see him and I know I do this just so he stays. > I've never said " no " to him about ANYTHING. I'm afraid the > day I say " no " he'll leave me and find it some where else. I > can see myself doing all these things to hold on to him and I > guess there all desparate things. When we go out I try to > look so beautiful and I tell him I only do it for him. It's > almost as if I want to be his possession. I want to feel > wanted, and constantly cared for (like a child). I've never > felt like I've belonged to anyone. I'm adopted, so I have > more issues than just this. I feel like my mother must think > she picked the wrong kid and wasted her money on me. I'm > extremely insecure but if you met me I'd never let it show. > Sometimes I feel like I want to be loved so badly, I'll do > anything and suffer through anything just to get there. > > I'm constantly feeling like I'm a burden because since I was > young my mother would tell me the only reason people listen to > me or take me out is because they feel sorry for me. Or my > uncle takes me out to dinner because he's my uncle and if he > wasn't he wouldn't want to be bothered. I have a hard time > trusting my friends even though I know they are all good > people. My mother always told me never to trust your so > called friends because they'll always lie to you just to make > themselves look better. > > Everything is so painful, and the worst part is when my world > crumbles in all i want to do is be held by someone. I don't > turn to anyone because I'm afraid of burdening them with my > problems. I wish my mother would hold me but that will never > happen. > > (please forgive me, for any mistakes in my message) __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 18, 2001 Report Share Posted May 18, 2001 Boy do I know those feelings - both the longing to be held and the fear of being a budren to other people... Hang on there - we are only human... Pirjo > > Everything is so painful, and the worst part is when my world crumbles in all i want to do is be held by someone. I don't turn to anyone because I'm afraid of burdening them with my problems. I wish my mother would hold me but that will never happen. > > (please forgive me, for any mistakes in my message) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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