Guest guest Posted August 19, 2001 Report Share Posted August 19, 2001 Several years ago when my oldest turned 13 my nada wanted to take her to Europe or somewhere. Even at that age she was very hesitant and didn't want to go alone or be left with the witch for that length of time. Too bad I didn't tune in to her feelings earlier!! Ilene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2001 Report Share Posted August 19, 2001 Cyndy, Sounds like you and I have the same house, except I have no kitty. -Carol Reply-To: ModOasis Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 11:22:42 -0700 (PDT) To: ModOasis Subject: Re: Vacationing with Nada I don't answer the darn phone. To quote Pogo, " Phththt! " My home is my sanctum sanctorum, my safe spot, my boundary. Me and my husband and my kitty. And occasionally, a maintenance person to fix something. And occasionally, a friend. Very occasionally. Safe Hugs, Cyndy --- Carol Quillen wrote: > , > > I identified with your response to . > > It has gotten to the point with my BPD Mom that I cannot bear > hearing from > her or my sister who now lives with her. They don't have to do > or say > anything--just hearing from them is very upsetting. I no > longer communicate > with them at all. > > , > > If you already feel uncomfortable just having the conversation > with your Mom > about this, I recommend you listen to what you are telling > yourself. > > Just remember that right now, you have the safety of your home > as a refuge, > you can hang up the telephone, etc. Going on a vacation > without a safe exit > plan sounds dangerous to me. > > If you would like to honor the spirit of your mother's offer, > perhaps you > could counter-offer with a suggestion which did make you feel > safe--an > alternative which had a beginning time, an ending time, was in > a " safe " > location, and you could end anytime you might feel > uncomfortable. Perhaps > something like a day-trip to a museum, especially if you could > each arrive > and leave separately. > > I remember once when I agreed to go on a ride with my Mom and > Step-Mom one > Sunday afternoon. My husband wasn't with me. Even though the > ride lasted > only two hours, I was trapped. I can't remember what she > started saying or > doing. I only remember that when we finally arrived back at > her house, I > excused myself and said I was going for a walk. I had to walk > for almost an > hour just to get the pent-up fear and anger out. > > I made sure I was never left alone with her again without an > escape plan. > > I hope our responses to you may resonate to help you make a > decision with > which you'll be comfortable. > > Remember, vacations are supposed to be a time away from our > obligations, > fears, pressures and cares. > > Good luck. > > -Carol > > > Reply-To: ModOasis > Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001 13:01:20 -0400 > To: ModOasis > Subject: Vacationing with Nada > > > > , please don't let your nada manipulate you into going > on vacation > with her if you don't feel safe about it. I recently made the > mistake of > going along with a family plan for a reunion vacation with my > stepnada, her > brothers & sisters & all the relatives on her side. I didn't > want to go but > I thought, how bad could it be?? I'll have my BF with me for > support, and > my sisters will be there. It was a big mistake. And she > didn't even DO > anything outright to hurt me, she was as okay as she ever is; > and while I'm > uncomfortable around her family because I know about the > distortion > campaigns she's conducted against me, no one said or did > anything derogatory > toward me. > > The problem was, I just wasn't prepared to deal with my own > emotions. Just > being around her causes fear, anxiety, and even physical > manifestations; > headache, backache, I was a mess! I could not sleep for two > nights before > we got there and had insomnia for the entire trip. Every time > I got alone > with my boyfriend I was bawling my eyes out. He did > everything he could for > me but was really overwhelmed with not knowing how to make it > all right for > me. Eventually we left early and went to visit his > gradparents with the > remaining vacation days. I slept like a baby as soon as we > got to their > house. Thank God he was with me and we were able to leave - I > don't know > how I would have managed on my own. > > I won't be vacationing with her ever again. I felt terrible > for putting him > through it, and I shouldn't have put MYSELF through it either. > > If you do decide to go, make sure you are really emotionally > prepared, and > definitely have an out so you can walk away if things take a > turn for the > worse!! I would not recommend anyplace outside of driving > distance, and you > should have a car there or plan some way to get yourself home > if you have to > leave! Maybe try to include another person who you know will > validate and > support you and can help you stand up to your nada if she > starts with her > old routines. > > But if you don't want to go, please, find a way out of it!! > > Hugs, > > > > > _________________________________________________________________ > Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at > http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2001 Report Share Posted August 19, 2001 Cyndy, Sounds like you and I have the same house, except I have no kitty. -Carol Reply-To: ModOasis Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 11:22:42 -0700 (PDT) To: ModOasis Subject: Re: Vacationing with Nada I don't answer the darn phone. To quote Pogo, " Phththt! " My home is my sanctum sanctorum, my safe spot, my boundary. Me and my husband and my kitty. And occasionally, a maintenance person to fix something. And occasionally, a friend. Very occasionally. Safe Hugs, Cyndy --- Carol Quillen wrote: > , > > I identified with your response to . > > It has gotten to the point with my BPD Mom that I cannot bear > hearing from > her or my sister who now lives with her. They don't have to do > or say > anything--just hearing from them is very upsetting. I no > longer communicate > with them at all. > > , > > If you already feel uncomfortable just having the conversation > with your Mom > about this, I recommend you listen to what you are telling > yourself. > > Just remember that right now, you have the safety of your home > as a refuge, > you can hang up the telephone, etc. Going on a vacation > without a safe exit > plan sounds dangerous to me. > > If you would like to honor the spirit of your mother's offer, > perhaps you > could counter-offer with a suggestion which did make you feel > safe--an > alternative which had a beginning time, an ending time, was in > a " safe " > location, and you could end anytime you might feel > uncomfortable. Perhaps > something like a day-trip to a museum, especially if you could > each arrive > and leave separately. > > I remember once when I agreed to go on a ride with my Mom and > Step-Mom one > Sunday afternoon. My husband wasn't with me. Even though the > ride lasted > only two hours, I was trapped. I can't remember what she > started saying or > doing. I only remember that when we finally arrived back at > her house, I > excused myself and said I was going for a walk. I had to walk > for almost an > hour just to get the pent-up fear and anger out. > > I made sure I was never left alone with her again without an > escape plan. > > I hope our responses to you may resonate to help you make a > decision with > which you'll be comfortable. > > Remember, vacations are supposed to be a time away from our > obligations, > fears, pressures and cares. > > Good luck. > > -Carol > > > Reply-To: ModOasis > Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001 13:01:20 -0400 > To: ModOasis > Subject: Vacationing with Nada > > > > , please don't let your nada manipulate you into going > on vacation > with her if you don't feel safe about it. I recently made the > mistake of > going along with a family plan for a reunion vacation with my > stepnada, her > brothers & sisters & all the relatives on her side. I didn't > want to go but > I thought, how bad could it be?? I'll have my BF with me for > support, and > my sisters will be there. It was a big mistake. And she > didn't even DO > anything outright to hurt me, she was as okay as she ever is; > and while I'm > uncomfortable around her family because I know about the > distortion > campaigns she's conducted against me, no one said or did > anything derogatory > toward me. > > The problem was, I just wasn't prepared to deal with my own > emotions. Just > being around her causes fear, anxiety, and even physical > manifestations; > headache, backache, I was a mess! I could not sleep for two > nights before > we got there and had insomnia for the entire trip. Every time > I got alone > with my boyfriend I was bawling my eyes out. He did > everything he could for > me but was really overwhelmed with not knowing how to make it > all right for > me. Eventually we left early and went to visit his > gradparents with the > remaining vacation days. I slept like a baby as soon as we > got to their > house. Thank God he was with me and we were able to leave - I > don't know > how I would have managed on my own. > > I won't be vacationing with her ever again. I felt terrible > for putting him > through it, and I shouldn't have put MYSELF through it either. > > If you do decide to go, make sure you are really emotionally > prepared, and > definitely have an out so you can walk away if things take a > turn for the > worse!! I would not recommend anyplace outside of driving > distance, and you > should have a car there or plan some way to get yourself home > if you have to > leave! Maybe try to include another person who you know will > validate and > support you and can help you stand up to your nada if she > starts with her > old routines. > > But if you don't want to go, please, find a way out of it!! > > Hugs, > > > > > _________________________________________________________________ > Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at > http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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