re: memories

[Guest guest]

{{{{{{}}}}}}

Hi ... hang in there... we'll help you through this.

First off, it makes me so sad to hear about your nada throwing

hot coffee on you. What a terribly abusive thing to do. I am

so sad that this happened to you. It sounds like you had some

very traumatic things happen in your childhood... it's no wonder

you have supressed memories.

Second, don't berate yourself for finding this stuff

overwhelming. In my opinion, I do think it's important to

remember and work through trauma from your childhood -- I don't

think it serves you to stay in denial. BUT, it is not serving

you either if you have a panic attack every time you think about

your childhood, so take it easy on yourself. Don't force

yourself to remember stuff if it's that upsetting to you.

Somehow, though, you need to find a way to work through this.

Are you seeing a therapist? A good therapist is an invaluable

asset, especially in a situation like this. I think sharing

with the list will help too. What about a good friend? Is

there someone you would feel safe confiding your memories to?

It might help ease the panic if you're not physically alone

(i.e., don't do it over the telephone). Just make sure you let

them know what's going on (i.e., " I have some really frightening

memories surfacing from my childhood and I need someone to

listen to me... would you be willing to do that? " ) You might

also be able to find a support group in your area... maybe ACOA

(Adult Children of Alcoholics -- even if one of your parents

wasn't an alcoholic, some KOs find this group helpful), or there

might be a group for survivors of physical abuse. I think the

most important thing is that you don't suffer through this

alone.

You say that you don't want to remember, but the memories are

coming anyways. I would guess that this is a signal from your

unconscious that it's time to work on this stuff. Your post

shows your ambivalence about this: " It just seems to me right

now that it is better to forget about these things then to

relive them. <snip> right now I have a great need to talk about

it. " I think the surfacing memories and your need to talk about

them are a good sign, even though you find the process

frightening.

You say the memories make you sick to your stomach. Could you

try to elaborate a little on how you feel when you remember

something that upsets you? I guess what I'm trying to get at

is, for example, do you feel shame (i.e., " if I had behaved

better, this wouldn't have happened " " I deserve everything she

did to me " " I must have done something to provoke her " etc.)?

Or, are you really angry that she did these things to you? Or

is it something else? What are the emotions that are making

these memories so hard to process? If you can pinpoint this,

you may be able to take some direct action. For example, if you

feel shame, then you could repeat the following to yourself

whenever you start to panic: " Nobody deserves to be abused, I

didn't do anything to provoke it, I was treated badly, I didn't

do anything wrong, it wasn't my fault " etc., etc. If you can

tell us what's making you upset, then maybe we can help you come

up with ways to keep it under control.

I know right now it feels like you're looking into a black chasm

that will swallow you whole. It won't. This is scary and

painful, but it is a part of healing. You will be so glad you

went through it when you get to the other side (where Edith is

waiting for you -- see her, with her arms outstretched?). We're

all in that " black chasm " with you, and it's not nearly as bad

as it looks!

Hugs,

Anon

--- Simon wrote:

> There is one thing that I would like to share with the group

> that has been

> bothering me a lot lately. Any feedback or advice would be

> very much

> appreciative. The more that I read posts on this list the more

> memories I

> start to remember. I don't recall much from my childhood. Just

> bits and

> pieces here and there, most of it is some sort of abuse or

> trauma that I

> experienced. Most of my childhood I don't remember. There are

> many periods

> of time where I have a memory, but I don't remember where one

> of my siblings

> were at the time. Almost as if they had been gone for months

> at a time. It

> is very scary for me and I almost go into anxiety attacks when

> I do start to

> remember or think of the possiblities that could have happened

> in certain

> peroids of my childhood. I am sure that this is probably a

> sort of PTSD. My

> major problem is that I don't want to remember, but the

> memories are coming

> anyways. One recent memory that has just come to me recently

> and has been

> very disturbing is when I was very little I pulled a coffee

> pot down from

> the coffee table and burnt myself very badly (so that is

> nada's story). But

> something tells me that that is not the way that it happened.

> During my

> teenage years Nada's favorite thing to do to me was throw hot

> coffee on me,

> my memory lately tells me that this started earlier then I

> remember. I had a

> flash back the other day when I smelled coffee (which for

> obvious reasons I

> don't drink) that made me think of that time when I was

> little. Of course I

> immediately made myself stop remembering, which I know is not

> a very healthy

> thing to do. But I find it very difficult to relive these

> events. It almost

> makes me sick to my stomach. I know I am in denial. It just

> seems to me

> right now that it is better to forget about these things then

> to relive

> them. I guess what I am saying is HELP. I feel so alone right

> now. My

> brother and sister don't want to talk about it and right now I

> have a great

> need to talk about it. If anyone has advice I would appreciate

> it.

> Just barely holding on,

>

>

>

> >From: already_free@...

> >Reply-To: ModOasis

> >To: ModOasis

> >Subject: Re: /re: logic, love and BPs

> >Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2001 18:07:21 -0000

> >

> > " But I'm only now just beginning to really realize how

> abnormal

> >the emotional and physical abuse was, and what the effects on

> me have

> >been.(!) "

__________________________________________________