Re: good split = reverse bad split

April 29, 2001

In a message dated 4/29/01 3:00:14 PM Central Daylight Time,

nicole_messages@... writes:

> **********************************************************

> In a bad split, the BP puts their unwanted qualities onto

> their target. The target LOOKS AT THEMSELVES and sees the

> BP's qualities mixed up with their own identity, can't tell

> the difference, and comes to believe the BP's qualities are

> their own.

>

> In a reverse bad split, the BP steals wanted qualities from

> the target. The target LOOKS AT THE BP and sees the BP's

> qualities mixed up with their own (stolen) identity, can't

> tell the difference, and comes to believe the BP's

> qualities are their own.

> ***********************************************************

>

I think we got a smart cookie on the list. Actually, several of them. They're

here, aren't they?

Randi Kreger

List owner, Welcome To Oz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

www.BPDCentral.com

April 30, 2001

Gosh yes.

My Mom's first child was a blond boy. Her existence was validated and

she would have been happy with just the one, but such was not to be.

Her next child was me. Bad split. Homely brunette. I was the

scapegoat for her and my brother, as her mother had been for her

father and his mother.

Her next child was another female brunette. Her main claim to fame

was in being better than me. Plus she bonded with my brother as a

kind of pseudo father. (Our Dad was very quiet. He always fixed

things and took care of things but never said much. Mom talked for

both. My Dad's mother was much like my Mom.)

Her next child was a cute blond girl. She could do no wrong. Mom was

thrilled to have produced such a child. My brother used my other

sister to pick on her. And on me, but I was a nonentity. I wasn't

conscious, so it didn't hurt.

I never achieved a separate identity from my Mom, so I assimilated

whatever she said as The Truth. Just like my Dad. Just like my Mom's

mother. Mom constantly made fun of me for being a doormat. For being

mousy. For being just like my Dad. For looking like this and for

sounding like that.

My therapist said that understanding it makes it harder to get mad.

I don't want to get mad. I don't want to act like her!

Cyndy

--- nicole_messages@... wrote:

>

> There is no such thing as a good-split. A BP good-split is

> only a different sort of bad-split. For want of a better

> term, I will refer to good-splits as " reverse bad splits " .

>

> **********************************************************

> In a bad split, the BP puts their unwanted qualities onto

> their target. The target LOOKS AT THEMSELVES and sees the

> BP's qualities mixed up with their own identity, can't tell

> the difference, and comes to believe the BP's qualities are

> their own.

>

> In a reverse bad split, the BP steals wanted qualities from

> the target. The target LOOKS AT THE BP and sees the BP's

> qualities mixed up with their own (stolen) identity, can't

> tell the difference, and comes to believe the BP's

> qualities are their own.

> ***********************************************************

>

> U the BM says bad split kids are more likely than reverse

> bad split kids to become BP. That is because a bad split

> kid is looking at themselves mixed up with only the

> unwanted BP traits the BP threw on them. The bad split kid

> becoming a BP is projective identification with a BP.

>

> U the BM states that very often reverse bad split kids feel

> phony. That is because they look at a BP who is being

> phony and hiding BP characteristics under a stolen

> identity. Reverse bad split kids are also more likely to

> worry that (secretly, under the surface) they might be BP

> themselves. This is projective identification with a BP

> who IS a phony and is (just under the surface) a BP.

>

> Someone mentioned the idea that " a Borderline is a failed

> Narcisist " . That is, a Narcissist is really a BP who can

> maintain a good phony identity cover. If a reverse bad

> split kid projective identifies with a BP, are reverse bad

> split kids with serious untreated fleas more likely to be

> narcissists or have narcisistic tendencies? U the BM also

> mentions that narcisists often marry borderlines. KO's

> often marry borderlines. Just a wierd connection that

> occured to me.

>

> I don't think anyone I've met on this list is a narcisist.

> Of course, we ARE the healthier KO's that sought flea

> treatment. [Though, secretly all of us reverse bad split

> KO's might be feeling as if our identity is a phony and be

> worried that we may " really " be narcissits ;-) ].

>

> What do you guys think?

>

> __________________________________________________

>

April 30, 2001

I agree. I was good-split too. And my main roadblock to contacting my

nada ever again is the wall she built between me and my bad-split

sister. Today, my sister and I are very close, and I can forgive the

abuse that was heaped upon me, but I can't forgive what nada did to

my sister. I don't have that much forgiveness in me.

My sister has even told me that being the good-split child may have

been worse. She recieved the bulk of the physical abuse, and then was

sent away, but I got the responsibility of being nada's therapist, of

getting the bulk of the emotional abuse. Being good-split only keeps

you closer to the abuser, and then you are bad-spilt eventually. It

just takes time.

Hugs,

Rosemary

> I've been thinking about " being good-split " . Because I was

> a good-split kid. Here is my latest idea:

>

> There is no such thing as a good-split. A BP good-split is

> only a different sort of bad-split. For want of a better

> term, I will refer to good-splits as " reverse bad splits " .

>

> **********************************************************

> In a bad split, the BP puts their unwanted qualities onto

> their target. The target LOOKS AT THEMSELVES and sees the

> BP's qualities mixed up with their own identity, can't tell

> the difference, and comes to believe the BP's qualities are

> their own.

>

> In a reverse bad split, the BP steals wanted qualities from

> the target. The target LOOKS AT THE BP and sees the BP's

> qualities mixed up with their own (stolen) identity, can't

> tell the difference, and comes to believe the BP's

> qualities are their own.

> ***********************************************************

>

> U the BM says bad split kids are more likely than reverse

> bad split kids to become BP. That is because a bad split

> kid is looking at themselves mixed up with only the

> unwanted BP traits the BP threw on them. The bad split kid

> becoming a BP is projective identification with a BP.

>

> U the BM states that very often reverse bad split kids feel

> phony. That is because they look at a BP who is being

> phony and hiding BP characteristics under a stolen

> identity. Reverse bad split kids are also more likely to

> worry that (secretly, under the surface) they might be BP

> themselves. This is projective identification with a BP

> who IS a phony and is (just under the surface) a BP.

>

> Someone mentioned the idea that " a Borderline is a failed

> Narcisist " . That is, a Narcissist is really a BP who can

> maintain a good phony identity cover. If a reverse bad

> split kid projective identifies with a BP, are reverse bad

> split kids with serious untreated fleas more likely to be

> narcissists or have narcisistic tendencies? U the BM also

> mentions that narcisists often marry borderlines. KO's

> often marry borderlines. Just a wierd connection that

> occured to me.

>

> I don't think anyone I've met on this list is a narcisist.

> Of course, we ARE the healthier KO's that sought flea

> treatment. [Though, secretly all of us reverse bad split

> KO's might be feeling as if our identity is a phony and be

> worried that we may " really " be narcissits ;-) ].

>

> What do you guys think?

>

> __________________________________________________

>

April 30, 2001

I agree. I was good-split too. And my main roadblock to contacting my

nada ever again is the wall she built between me and my bad-split

sister. Today, my sister and I are very close, and I can forgive the

abuse that was heaped upon me, but I can't forgive what nada did to

my sister. I don't have that much forgiveness in me.

My sister has even told me that being the good-split child may have

been worse. She recieved the bulk of the physical abuse, and then was

sent away, but I got the responsibility of being nada's therapist, of

getting the bulk of the emotional abuse. Being good-split only keeps

you closer to the abuser, and then you are bad-spilt eventually. It

just takes time.

Hugs,

Rosemary

> I've been thinking about " being good-split " . Because I was

> a good-split kid. Here is my latest idea:

>

> There is no such thing as a good-split. A BP good-split is

> only a different sort of bad-split. For want of a better

> term, I will refer to good-splits as " reverse bad splits " .

>

> **********************************************************

> In a bad split, the BP puts their unwanted qualities onto

> their target. The target LOOKS AT THEMSELVES and sees the

> BP's qualities mixed up with their own identity, can't tell

> the difference, and comes to believe the BP's qualities are

> their own.

>

> In a reverse bad split, the BP steals wanted qualities from

> the target. The target LOOKS AT THE BP and sees the BP's

> qualities mixed up with their own (stolen) identity, can't

> tell the difference, and comes to believe the BP's

> qualities are their own.

> ***********************************************************

>

> U the BM says bad split kids are more likely than reverse

> bad split kids to become BP. That is because a bad split

> kid is looking at themselves mixed up with only the

> unwanted BP traits the BP threw on them. The bad split kid

> becoming a BP is projective identification with a BP.

>

> U the BM states that very often reverse bad split kids feel

> phony. That is because they look at a BP who is being

> phony and hiding BP characteristics under a stolen

> identity. Reverse bad split kids are also more likely to

> worry that (secretly, under the surface) they might be BP

> themselves. This is projective identification with a BP

> who IS a phony and is (just under the surface) a BP.

>

> Someone mentioned the idea that " a Borderline is a failed

> Narcisist " . That is, a Narcissist is really a BP who can

> maintain a good phony identity cover. If a reverse bad

> split kid projective identifies with a BP, are reverse bad

> split kids with serious untreated fleas more likely to be

> narcissists or have narcisistic tendencies? U the BM also

> mentions that narcisists often marry borderlines. KO's

> often marry borderlines. Just a wierd connection that

> occured to me.

>

> I don't think anyone I've met on this list is a narcisist.

> Of course, we ARE the healthier KO's that sought flea

> treatment. [Though, secretly all of us reverse bad split

> KO's might be feeling as if our identity is a phony and be

> worried that we may " really " be narcissits ;-) ].

>

> What do you guys think?

>

> __________________________________________________

>

April 30, 2001

I agree. I was good-split too. And my main roadblock to contacting my

nada ever again is the wall she built between me and my bad-split

sister. Today, my sister and I are very close, and I can forgive the

abuse that was heaped upon me, but I can't forgive what nada did to

my sister. I don't have that much forgiveness in me.

My sister has even told me that being the good-split child may have

been worse. She recieved the bulk of the physical abuse, and then was

sent away, but I got the responsibility of being nada's therapist, of

getting the bulk of the emotional abuse. Being good-split only keeps

you closer to the abuser, and then you are bad-spilt eventually. It

just takes time.

Hugs,

Rosemary

> I've been thinking about " being good-split " . Because I was

> a good-split kid. Here is my latest idea:

>

> There is no such thing as a good-split. A BP good-split is

> only a different sort of bad-split. For want of a better

> term, I will refer to good-splits as " reverse bad splits " .

>

> **********************************************************

> In a bad split, the BP puts their unwanted qualities onto

> their target. The target LOOKS AT THEMSELVES and sees the

> BP's qualities mixed up with their own identity, can't tell

> the difference, and comes to believe the BP's qualities are

> their own.

>

> In a reverse bad split, the BP steals wanted qualities from

> the target. The target LOOKS AT THE BP and sees the BP's

> qualities mixed up with their own (stolen) identity, can't

> tell the difference, and comes to believe the BP's

> qualities are their own.

> ***********************************************************

>

> U the BM says bad split kids are more likely than reverse

> bad split kids to become BP. That is because a bad split

> kid is looking at themselves mixed up with only the

> unwanted BP traits the BP threw on them. The bad split kid

> becoming a BP is projective identification with a BP.

>

> U the BM states that very often reverse bad split kids feel

> phony. That is because they look at a BP who is being

> phony and hiding BP characteristics under a stolen

> identity. Reverse bad split kids are also more likely to

> worry that (secretly, under the surface) they might be BP

> themselves. This is projective identification with a BP

> who IS a phony and is (just under the surface) a BP.

>

> Someone mentioned the idea that " a Borderline is a failed

> Narcisist " . That is, a Narcissist is really a BP who can

> maintain a good phony identity cover. If a reverse bad

> split kid projective identifies with a BP, are reverse bad

> split kids with serious untreated fleas more likely to be

> narcissists or have narcisistic tendencies? U the BM also

> mentions that narcisists often marry borderlines. KO's

> often marry borderlines. Just a wierd connection that

> occured to me.

>

> I don't think anyone I've met on this list is a narcisist.

> Of course, we ARE the healthier KO's that sought flea

> treatment. [Though, secretly all of us reverse bad split

> KO's might be feeling as if our identity is a phony and be

> worried that we may " really " be narcissits ;-) ].

>

> What do you guys think?

>

> __________________________________________________

>

May 1, 2001

In a message dated 4/30/01 11:29:12 PM Central Daylight Time,

toonergal@... writes:

> > I never achieved a separate identity from my Mom, so I

> assimilated

> >

It's a stage you didn't get to grow out of. But you can, now. It takes work,

but it can happen. However, it requires giving somethig up: the familiar pain

you've lived with most of your life. It may not be a great friend, but you're

so acccustomed to it it's like a famioliar blanket that protects you from

scary things like Real Hope. If you really hope, you may get knocked down

again and it's just too difficult to go though that again. But I urge you to

consider giving it up. There are better friends out there who can take you

places you've never been to before. Really great places. You may kick and

scream a bit, but if you pick the right friends: Self-Love, Unconditional

Love, Professional Success, Close Friendships, New Ideas, and many others.

Randi Kreger

List owner, Welcome To Oz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

www.BPDCentral.com

May 1, 2001