12: BPs on WTO: Guideline of Day

[Guest guest]

(A portion of the guidelines to the WTO groups are sent out each day because

alltogether they can be rather overwhelming. They are sent to all lists in

approximate order of what is important and are not making any comment on any

particular message on any one of the WTO groups. Please note our guidelines

have developed over the years by the group as a whole to meet situations that

come up again and again. Before you post, you must agree to try to read and

try to meet them. If you have any questions, comments, or feelings you wish

to voice about the guidelines, please write to at bear454us@...

or RandiBPD@.... Thank you!)

GUIDELINES ABOUT ON BORDERLINES ON THE LIST

The BPDCentral lists are Non-BP lists; as such, our number one goal is to

provide a place for the Non-BPs to feel comfortable to discuss common

concerns. Those diagnosed with BPD, however, are welcome to join for the

following reasons:

*Non-BPs and BPs can learn a great deal from each other. BPs have contributed

a great deal to this list and have helped hundreds of people come to terms

and understand BPD behavior.

*People with BPD may also be considered Non-BPs if they are coping with

someone with BPD in THEIR lives.

*In early 1996, the members of the list were polled about the topic and

overwhelmingly voted to invite people with BPD on the list as long as they

followed the same general guidelines (no flaming, etc.).

*Non-BPs often pick up BP behavior and thinking. BPD is a continuum. It is

sometimes impossible to tell where the line begins and ends.

*This is an automated list and we can not control or guaranty the mental

health of anyone on the list; to say that the list was " BP Free " is a promise

we cannot keep. Under the best of circumstances, some people do not know they

have BPD.

*People who think they don't have BPD may join and then find out they do. Or

others may suspect that they do.

It is helpful for people with BPD to explain what it's like to live with the

disorder. However, even if BPs join the list, discussion WILL revolve around

Non-BP issues (coping with a BP's cutting) rather than BP issues (how to stop

cutting).

If you are a Non, please keep in mind that the facilitators are there to

assure that you will not experience the same patterns you do with the BP in

your life. If a post does seem to do that, we are on top of it (or you may

forward it to us if you wish). Please just delete it and go about your

business. You may also join the Non-Only list which is prohibited to people

with known BPD.

If You Have BPD: (Note: current known people with BPD as of Jan., 2001 are

grandfathered onto the list.)

First, if you joined to lurk because someone in your life thinks you have

BPD, please tell this person. They already suspect you are here. It is

against the guidelines to lurk to find out information about someone you know

in real life.

Next, if you have BPD but don't know people here, remember that people

joining this list will have feelings of isolation, depression, guilt,

self-blame, anger, helplessness, and grief. These are common, normal feelings

that people on the list will talk about. They will joke. They will

generalize. They will not be at the point where they can take responsibility

for their own part in the relationship.

If you have BPD, it can be difficult to read this list. At times, you will

probably get angry, want to remind people not to generalize and remind

Non-BPs they have to take responsibility.

If this list were made up of people at the stage when they are ready to hear

it, these comments would be appropriate. But they are not all at that stage.

Some people are at the stage where just the THOUGHT of having someone with

BPD on the list makes them tremble. (These people may want to join

WTONon-only).

So your contributions must be limited to explaining BP and being helpful and

supportive. You can listen and learn. But you cannot force yourself or your

beliefs--even if they are 100 percent right--on anyone here. Why? Because

this is a Non-BP list and they need to feel safe. They need to learn at their

own pace, not yours.

Remember, these people love the BP in their life. Think of it as a list of

parents talking about teens. They may rail and complain and joke and so on.

But they're here because they love and feel connected to someone in their

life with BPD. A teen might explain the latest slang and be very helpful in

explaining how teens think and why they do what they do. But the parents will

clam up if they feel watched, judged, and argued with.

So first, you have to make sure you can do this. It's a tall order and in

some ways it isn't fair. Just as important, you must make sure that being on

the list is HELPFUL for you, not HURTFUL. Some people with BPD have joined

the list and become worse. THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE.

To ensure the safety of the Nons and the well-being of those with BPD, if you

have BPD please let one of the facilitators know. For a period of time, we

will put you on moderation so the Nons on the list feel safe and you don't

need to worry about impulsively posting. If after that month you still want

to be here and you accept these guidelines, we will discuss taking you off

moderation. (Moderation means us reviewing posts before they are sent.) If

you don't feel good about being here, please leave before it makes you feel

misunderstood. If in our judgement we feel it's inappropriate for you to be

here we reserve the right to remove you or ask you to leave.

If you are looking for lists just for BPs, there are several. Please see the

online support section on www.BPDCentral.com.

Randi Kreger

List owner, Welcome To Oz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

www.BPDCentral.com