Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

[Guest guest]

Heidi,

I can understand your grief. I've been in that place many times with my little boy not only with the scoliosis, but he was born 3 months premature and there were lots of medical things that went on the first couple of years and many, many times when I wondered what exactly the future would hold for our little boy. My son went to a preschool that was half special needs children and I learned from watching the parents and children there that you can still find plenty of happiness. I can imagine how upsetting it is to think about your son having to wear a brace for such a long time, but in the grand scheme of life, this will be just a small part of it. He can still have a very happy, active childhood. And even though the doctor is preparing you for what he thinks is the most likely scenario, Bex might still prove him wrong One of my friends with two autistic boys

quotes Dory from Finding Nemo - "Just Keep Swimming". So, Just Keep Swimming, Heidi! And know that we are all here to support you and will be praying for Bex.

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Wed, December 16, 2009 6:50:28 PMSubject: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Dianna,

I am having a better day, thank God. I feel everyone's happiness and let-downs here, too, so much. Bex says thank you for the hug from pretty mama and his long distance girlfriend MARCI! ; ) Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 5:46:48 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi you are just reacting like any of us parents would react to this news. As a matter of fact, we feel it too. Our successes are everyones successes and our let-downs are felt by all of us here. There are times for every emotion and you are going thru what you need to go thru right now. Later on down the road things will feel different you'll see. None of us have crystal balls to see into the future so dont take your docs prediction as fact--have faith and keep chugging along like you always have. You have such a positive and happy outlook on life and I know you'll get to feeling like yourself soon. Hope you have a better day, and give BEX and BIG HUG from me and MARCI(:Dianna (mommy to Marcela, 18 mos. in 3rd cast)> > > From: NIck Guthe <nickguthe@. ..>> Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant> To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. com> Date: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 5:50 PM> > > Â > > > > > > > Hi,> Â > Well, it's been only about

24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.>  > We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex

will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have. >  > I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.>  > I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on

them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger.>  Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)>

[Guest guest]

Dianna,

I am having a better day, thank God. I feel everyone's happiness and let-downs here, too, so much. Bex says thank you for the hug from pretty mama and his long distance girlfriend MARCI! ; ) Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 5:46:48 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi you are just reacting like any of us parents would react to this news. As a matter of fact, we feel it too. Our successes are everyones successes and our let-downs are felt by all of us here. There are times for every emotion and you are going thru what you need to go thru right now. Later on down the road things will feel different you'll see. None of us have crystal balls to see into the future so dont take your docs prediction as fact--have faith and keep chugging along like you always have. You have such a positive and happy outlook on life and I know you'll get to feeling like yourself soon. Hope you have a better day, and give BEX and BIG HUG from me and MARCI(:Dianna (mommy to Marcela, 18 mos. in 3rd cast)> > > From: NIck Guthe <nickguthe@. ..>> Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant> To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. com> Date: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 5:50 PM> > > Â > > > > > > > Hi,> Â > Well, it's been only about

24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.>  > We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex

will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have. >  > I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.>  > I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on

them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger.>  Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)>

[Guest guest]

,

Just Keep Swimming! I love that. I know Bex will have a beautiful life, I do fear his strong will disliking the brace when he's older, but for now, I can't think about that. I'm Swimming as fast as I can ; ) Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 6:19:47 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi,

I can understand your grief. I've been in that place many times with my little boy not only with the scoliosis, but he was born 3 months premature and there were lots of medical things that went on the first couple of years and many, many times when I wondered what exactly the future would hold for our little boy. My son went to a preschool that was half special needs children and I learned from watching the parents and children there that you can still find plenty of happiness. I can imagine how upsetting it is to think about your son having to wear a brace for such a long time, but in the grand scheme of life, this will be just a small part of it. He can still have a very happy, active childhood. And even though the doctor is preparing you for what he thinks is the most likely scenario, Bex might still prove him wrong One of my friends with two autistic boys

quotes Dory from Finding Nemo - "Just Keep Swimming". So, Just Keep Swimming, Heidi! And know that we are all here to support you and will be praying for Bex.

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comSent: Wed, December 16, 2009 6:50:28 PMSubject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Lynn,

Thank you so much, we are thinking we should not even look past the next cast. Just one cast at a time, one day at a time-- and we do have a happy, joyful, healthy child who loves life. Today, I'm seeing the light and feeling grateful. Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 8:12:57 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi

's right!! You will get through this, one day at a time but you will get through. You are such a strong mom not to mention a great one. Of course you feel sad, mad, angry and dont ever feel ashamed of that. This may not be of much comfort or help but I have always found the saying "the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time" to be very true. Just take your time and do what YOU need to do and if that means taking some anti depressants for a while then do so! no one will judge you and if they do, they have no idea what your going through!

Lynn

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 5:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

The new Internet Explorer® 8 - Faster, safer, easier. Optimized for Yahoo! Get it Now for Free!

[Guest guest]

Lynn,

Thank you so much, we are thinking we should not even look past the next cast. Just one cast at a time, one day at a time-- and we do have a happy, joyful, healthy child who loves life. Today, I'm seeing the light and feeling grateful. Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 8:12:57 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi

's right!! You will get through this, one day at a time but you will get through. You are such a strong mom not to mention a great one. Of course you feel sad, mad, angry and dont ever feel ashamed of that. This may not be of much comfort or help but I have always found the saying "the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time" to be very true. Just take your time and do what YOU need to do and if that means taking some anti depressants for a while then do so! no one will judge you and if they do, they have no idea what your going through!

Lynn

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 5:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

The new Internet Explorer® 8 - Faster, safer, easier. Optimized for Yahoo! Get it Now for Free!

[Guest guest]

Lynn,

Thank you so much, we are thinking we should not even look past the next cast. Just one cast at a time, one day at a time-- and we do have a happy, joyful, healthy child who loves life. Today, I'm seeing the light and feeling grateful. Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 8:12:57 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi

's right!! You will get through this, one day at a time but you will get through. You are such a strong mom not to mention a great one. Of course you feel sad, mad, angry and dont ever feel ashamed of that. This may not be of much comfort or help but I have always found the saying "the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time" to be very true. Just take your time and do what YOU need to do and if that means taking some anti depressants for a while then do so! no one will judge you and if they do, they have no idea what your going through!

Lynn

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 5:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

The new Internet Explorer® 8 - Faster, safer, easier. Optimized for Yahoo! Get it Now for Free!

[Guest guest]

,

You have been through so much with your little boy, I just am in awe of you that you have gone through cancer, surgery and now a long casting and bracing future. I am determined, too, to manage this as it comes and BE HAPPY!!!

If we avoid surgery, it is all worth it, and even if we just buy years of valueable growing time, that is also worth it. In my heart, I am still extremely optimistic. That said, I too expect many more down times. My family is supportive and my husband is the best, but it is still a lonely journey that no one can go through for you. I am so grateful for this group!!! Thank you.Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 8:27:47 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Dearest Heidi,I am here in California (Lake Elsinore) and would be happy to either get together or have a phone call if you think it will help!You know my son, , was diagnosed with neuroblastoma at age 2 month old...with chemotherapy and surgery...and now we are holding in a cast from SLC. We know that he will never really improve, and we are thankful for the cast just holding. I've been through emotionally what you are going through so many times! It's like we build the strength to make it and be hopeful and positive, and this life just kicks us again and again. I'm also faced with (with a tall Dad) going through casting and bracing until he's grown - this actually, for me, is good news because we don't want to have surgery or fusion!! This is at least giving 's spine time to grow and his chest cavity time to grow to accommodate his heart and lungs!! is also a very independent little boy, but he has adjusted

to the cast. Although I'm sure I will have my down depressed times again, right now, I'm determined to just TAKE IT A DAY AT A TIME AND A STEP AT A TIME. Right now is what matters to Bex....the holidays!Just please don't go it alone, and keep talking to people and doing things until you can feel better. You will make it through this.If you want to talk, e-mail me personally and I'll give you my number.- , mom to , age 3, in remission from cancer and in cast, SLC> > > From: NIck Guthe <nickguthe@. ..>> Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant> To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. com> Date: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM> > > Â > > > > > > > Hi,> Â > Well, it's

been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.>  > We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the

exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have. >  > I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.>  > I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them

away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger.>  Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)>

[Guest guest]

,

You have been through so much with your little boy, I just am in awe of you that you have gone through cancer, surgery and now a long casting and bracing future. I am determined, too, to manage this as it comes and BE HAPPY!!!

If we avoid surgery, it is all worth it, and even if we just buy years of valueable growing time, that is also worth it. In my heart, I am still extremely optimistic. That said, I too expect many more down times. My family is supportive and my husband is the best, but it is still a lonely journey that no one can go through for you. I am so grateful for this group!!! Thank you.Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 8:27:47 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Dearest Heidi,I am here in California (Lake Elsinore) and would be happy to either get together or have a phone call if you think it will help!You know my son, , was diagnosed with neuroblastoma at age 2 month old...with chemotherapy and surgery...and now we are holding in a cast from SLC. We know that he will never really improve, and we are thankful for the cast just holding. I've been through emotionally what you are going through so many times! It's like we build the strength to make it and be hopeful and positive, and this life just kicks us again and again. I'm also faced with (with a tall Dad) going through casting and bracing until he's grown - this actually, for me, is good news because we don't want to have surgery or fusion!! This is at least giving 's spine time to grow and his chest cavity time to grow to accommodate his heart and lungs!! is also a very independent little boy, but he has adjusted

to the cast. Although I'm sure I will have my down depressed times again, right now, I'm determined to just TAKE IT A DAY AT A TIME AND A STEP AT A TIME. Right now is what matters to Bex....the holidays!Just please don't go it alone, and keep talking to people and doing things until you can feel better. You will make it through this.If you want to talk, e-mail me personally and I'll give you my number.- , mom to , age 3, in remission from cancer and in cast, SLC> > > From: NIck Guthe <nickguthe@. ..>> Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant> To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. com> Date: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM> > > Â > > > > > > > Hi,> Â > Well, it's

been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.>  > We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the

exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have. >  > I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.>  > I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them

away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger.>  Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)>

[Guest guest]

,

You have been through so much with your little boy, I just am in awe of you that you have gone through cancer, surgery and now a long casting and bracing future. I am determined, too, to manage this as it comes and BE HAPPY!!!

If we avoid surgery, it is all worth it, and even if we just buy years of valueable growing time, that is also worth it. In my heart, I am still extremely optimistic. That said, I too expect many more down times. My family is supportive and my husband is the best, but it is still a lonely journey that no one can go through for you. I am so grateful for this group!!! Thank you.Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 8:27:47 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Dearest Heidi,I am here in California (Lake Elsinore) and would be happy to either get together or have a phone call if you think it will help!You know my son, , was diagnosed with neuroblastoma at age 2 month old...with chemotherapy and surgery...and now we are holding in a cast from SLC. We know that he will never really improve, and we are thankful for the cast just holding. I've been through emotionally what you are going through so many times! It's like we build the strength to make it and be hopeful and positive, and this life just kicks us again and again. I'm also faced with (with a tall Dad) going through casting and bracing until he's grown - this actually, for me, is good news because we don't want to have surgery or fusion!! This is at least giving 's spine time to grow and his chest cavity time to grow to accommodate his heart and lungs!! is also a very independent little boy, but he has adjusted

to the cast. Although I'm sure I will have my down depressed times again, right now, I'm determined to just TAKE IT A DAY AT A TIME AND A STEP AT A TIME. Right now is what matters to Bex....the holidays!Just please don't go it alone, and keep talking to people and doing things until you can feel better. You will make it through this.If you want to talk, e-mail me personally and I'll give you my number.- , mom to , age 3, in remission from cancer and in cast, SLC> > > From: NIck Guthe <nickguthe@. ..>> Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant> To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. com> Date: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM> > > Â > > > > > > > Hi,> Â > Well, it's

been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.>  > We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the

exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have. >  > I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.>  > I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them

away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger.>  Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)>

[Guest guest]

Heidi,You are making me cry! You must know that you cannot be strong all the time, it's impossible and probably a little unhealthy. You've got to let that emotion out or it will eat you up. You've got to take a few days and try to let this sink in. I know it's hard for you because you've been so optimistic but do not lose hope. I am always the pessimist and I love reading your posts because of your optimism. This may be a longer road than you had hoped for but just look at your beautiful child and feel better knowing that you are doing all that you can for him and you are helping others along the journey. I so hope that you start to feel better in the next few days and if not, please feel free to call me. I

know I'm a pessimist but I promise I won't make you feel worse! Hang in there and try to enjoy the holidays. Love and HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Patty, mom of Isabella, 2 years old, in 3rd cast (Rochester) & mom to & EvanTo: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Wed, December 16, 2009 6:50:28 PMSubject: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh.. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Heidi,You are making me cry! You must know that you cannot be strong all the time, it's impossible and probably a little unhealthy. You've got to let that emotion out or it will eat you up. You've got to take a few days and try to let this sink in. I know it's hard for you because you've been so optimistic but do not lose hope. I am always the pessimist and I love reading your posts because of your optimism. This may be a longer road than you had hoped for but just look at your beautiful child and feel better knowing that you are doing all that you can for him and you are helping others along the journey. I so hope that you start to feel better in the next few days and if not, please feel free to call me. I

know I'm a pessimist but I promise I won't make you feel worse! Hang in there and try to enjoy the holidays. Love and HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Patty, mom of Isabella, 2 years old, in 3rd cast (Rochester) & mom to & EvanTo: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Wed, December 16, 2009 6:50:28 PMSubject: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh.. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

I sent you my address on FB when you asked for it. Did you ever get it? Patty, mom of Isabella, 2 years old, in 3rd cast (Rochester) & mom to & EvanTo: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 1:08:00 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Jill,

I hate infantile scoliosis, too!!!! It BLOWS!!! We can do the years of bracing, right? WE CAN DO IT!!! Thank you so much, I will try not to let it ruin the holidays, and DARN IT, I'M still sending out my optimistic Christmas cards. If anyone reading this would like one and I don't have your address, please email it to bexonsmamagmail (DOT) com

XO--Heidi, Bexon's Mama

From: jill wienke <jillwienkeyahoo (DOT) com>To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comSent: Wed, December 16, 2009 7:34:01 PMSubject: Re: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi,

My heart breaks for you. I HATE INFANTILE SCOLIOSIS! That is a word we were never allowed to use growing up, but describes how I feel about it. I am sorry. I wish all the pain away. We too are facing years of bracing. Try not to let this ruin the holidays. I am going through a tough time with all this right now too. I have sadness and anger, but in time we will feel better.

Don't place too much weight on one cast change. Stay positive and give it all some time and give yourself some time.

Hugs,

Jill

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

I sent you my address on FB when you asked for it. Did you ever get it? Patty, mom of Isabella, 2 years old, in 3rd cast (Rochester) & mom to & EvanTo: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 1:08:00 AMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Jill,

I hate infantile scoliosis, too!!!! It BLOWS!!! We can do the years of bracing, right? WE CAN DO IT!!! Thank you so much, I will try not to let it ruin the holidays, and DARN IT, I'M still sending out my optimistic Christmas cards. If anyone reading this would like one and I don't have your address, please email it to bexonsmamagmail (DOT) com

XO--Heidi, Bexon's Mama

From: jill wienke <jillwienkeyahoo (DOT) com>To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comSent: Wed, December 16, 2009 7:34:01 PMSubject: Re: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi,

My heart breaks for you. I HATE INFANTILE SCOLIOSIS! That is a word we were never allowed to use growing up, but describes how I feel about it. I am sorry. I wish all the pain away. We too are facing years of bracing. Try not to let this ruin the holidays. I am going through a tough time with all this right now too. I have sadness and anger, but in time we will feel better.

Don't place too much weight on one cast change. Stay positive and give it all some time and give yourself some time.

Hugs,

Jill

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Oh, Patty,

Thank you so much!!! I think you are so right, it is unhealthy to hold it in and shove it down. You must express yourself and even if it sounds cheesy, "feel it to heal it". I am feeling better already, which has surprised me- I know it has a lot to do with all of you. I just have to believe in the best for the future, and the consensus I'm hearing right now is that you can have 3 casts with no improvement and then boom, things get a little better or even break through. I had about 24 hours of just basically falling apart (inside and more outside in private), but somehow, maybe I am building an emotional muscle- I could process it faster than before.

I will need these muscles, I know, because this is not the last frustration or low point.

Love and HUGS, HUGS, HUGS to you, back!!! Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 9:08:00 PMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi,

You are making me cry! You must know that you cannot be strong all the time, it's impossible and probably a little unhealthy. You've got to let that emotion out or it will eat you up. You've got to take a few days and try to let this sink in. I know it's hard for you because you've been so optimistic but do not lose hope. I am always the pessimist and I love reading your posts because of your optimism. This may be a longer road than you had hoped for but just look at your beautiful child and feel better knowing that you are doing all that you can for him and you are helping others along the journey. I so hope that you start to feel better in the next few days and if not, please feel free to call me. I know I'm a pessimist but I promise I won't make you feel worse! Hang in there and try to enjoy the holidays. Love and HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!!!!!!! !!!!! Patty, mom of Isabella, 2 years

old, in 3rd cast (Rochester) & mom to & Evan

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comSent: Wed, December 16, 2009 6:50:28 PMSubject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh.. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Oh, Patty,

Thank you so much!!! I think you are so right, it is unhealthy to hold it in and shove it down. You must express yourself and even if it sounds cheesy, "feel it to heal it". I am feeling better already, which has surprised me- I know it has a lot to do with all of you. I just have to believe in the best for the future, and the consensus I'm hearing right now is that you can have 3 casts with no improvement and then boom, things get a little better or even break through. I had about 24 hours of just basically falling apart (inside and more outside in private), but somehow, maybe I am building an emotional muscle- I could process it faster than before.

I will need these muscles, I know, because this is not the last frustration or low point.

Love and HUGS, HUGS, HUGS to you, back!!! Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Thu, December 17, 2009 9:08:00 PMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi,

You are making me cry! You must know that you cannot be strong all the time, it's impossible and probably a little unhealthy. You've got to let that emotion out or it will eat you up. You've got to take a few days and try to let this sink in. I know it's hard for you because you've been so optimistic but do not lose hope. I am always the pessimist and I love reading your posts because of your optimism. This may be a longer road than you had hoped for but just look at your beautiful child and feel better knowing that you are doing all that you can for him and you are helping others along the journey. I so hope that you start to feel better in the next few days and if not, please feel free to call me. I know I'm a pessimist but I promise I won't make you feel worse! Hang in there and try to enjoy the holidays. Love and HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!!!!!!! !!!!! Patty, mom of Isabella, 2 years

old, in 3rd cast (Rochester) & mom to & Evan

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>To: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comSent: Wed, December 16, 2009 6:50:28 PMSubject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh.. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Tonya,

I just love your personality, you make me smile! I agree, to hold it in is worse. If crying made you look old, I always say I would look a hundred. I am managing it right now. I even had to go to a dermatologist, who told me I have a skin breakout from genetics and primarily STRESS, in her opinion. Just what I need. And getting FAT from comfort eating! ARRGHHH!!!

Confession: I can eat a whole large thin crust pizza by myself, plus 10 buffalo chicken wings, no sweat. Do not tell anyone!!! ; ) Please do not post that on FB- ha! Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Fri, December 18, 2009 12:51:47 PMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi with as many therapists as I've seen in the past, they always say the best thing to do is to let it out. Scream, cry , ask why, cuss or do anything you want but just let it out! The worst thing you can do is to bottle it up. I used to rely on anti depressants and had to take valuum and xanax's along with them just to survive and I eventually realized that I was no longer me, not that they didn't help me, I just got tired of meds. You can do this I promise, God only gives us things that he knows we can handle, unfortunately I guess he thought you needed testing. We all love you guys and care about you, maybe after a few days or so you'll have time to process this info and be able to deal with it, until then bitch, cry, throw a hissy fit, a tantrum on the floor or stomping your feet while screaming if you want. ( just don't let Bex see you he might try it out on you next!) Much Love!!!

Tonya

Asheboro,nc

mother of Nora,3

7th cast on Jan 27th

35 degrees out of cast

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Tonya,

I just love your personality, you make me smile! I agree, to hold it in is worse. If crying made you look old, I always say I would look a hundred. I am managing it right now. I even had to go to a dermatologist, who told me I have a skin breakout from genetics and primarily STRESS, in her opinion. Just what I need. And getting FAT from comfort eating! ARRGHHH!!!

Confession: I can eat a whole large thin crust pizza by myself, plus 10 buffalo chicken wings, no sweat. Do not tell anyone!!! ; ) Please do not post that on FB- ha! Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Fri, December 18, 2009 12:51:47 PMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi with as many therapists as I've seen in the past, they always say the best thing to do is to let it out. Scream, cry , ask why, cuss or do anything you want but just let it out! The worst thing you can do is to bottle it up. I used to rely on anti depressants and had to take valuum and xanax's along with them just to survive and I eventually realized that I was no longer me, not that they didn't help me, I just got tired of meds. You can do this I promise, God only gives us things that he knows we can handle, unfortunately I guess he thought you needed testing. We all love you guys and care about you, maybe after a few days or so you'll have time to process this info and be able to deal with it, until then bitch, cry, throw a hissy fit, a tantrum on the floor or stomping your feet while screaming if you want. ( just don't let Bex see you he might try it out on you next!) Much Love!!!

Tonya

Asheboro,nc

mother of Nora,3

7th cast on Jan 27th

35 degrees out of cast

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Tonya,

I just love your personality, you make me smile! I agree, to hold it in is worse. If crying made you look old, I always say I would look a hundred. I am managing it right now. I even had to go to a dermatologist, who told me I have a skin breakout from genetics and primarily STRESS, in her opinion. Just what I need. And getting FAT from comfort eating! ARRGHHH!!!

Confession: I can eat a whole large thin crust pizza by myself, plus 10 buffalo chicken wings, no sweat. Do not tell anyone!!! ; ) Please do not post that on FB- ha! Heidi, Bexon's Mama

To: infantile_scoliosis Sent: Fri, December 18, 2009 12:51:47 PMSubject: Re: I am a wreck- sorry to rant

Heidi with as many therapists as I've seen in the past, they always say the best thing to do is to let it out. Scream, cry , ask why, cuss or do anything you want but just let it out! The worst thing you can do is to bottle it up. I used to rely on anti depressants and had to take valuum and xanax's along with them just to survive and I eventually realized that I was no longer me, not that they didn't help me, I just got tired of meds. You can do this I promise, God only gives us things that he knows we can handle, unfortunately I guess he thought you needed testing. We all love you guys and care about you, maybe after a few days or so you'll have time to process this info and be able to deal with it, until then bitch, cry, throw a hissy fit, a tantrum on the floor or stomping your feet while screaming if you want. ( just don't let Bex see you he might try it out on you next!) Much Love!!!

Tonya

Asheboro,nc

mother of Nora,3

7th cast on Jan 27th

35 degrees out of cast

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Heidi, I have come to the conclusion that I never want anyone to tell me that God doesn't have a sense of humor because no one should have grey hair and zits at the same time! It's just plain cruel!!!LOL Hope you're feeling better and you might not want to let Nick see your tantrum either, he also might get ideas!

Tonya

Asheboro, nc

mother of Nora,3

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Heidi, I have come to the conclusion that I never want anyone to tell me that God doesn't have a sense of humor because no one should have grey hair and zits at the same time! It's just plain cruel!!!LOL Hope you're feeling better and you might not want to let Nick see your tantrum either, he also might get ideas!

Tonya

Asheboro, nc

mother of Nora,3

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)

[Guest guest]

Heidi, I have come to the conclusion that I never want anyone to tell me that God doesn't have a sense of humor because no one should have grey hair and zits at the same time! It's just plain cruel!!!LOL Hope you're feeling better and you might not want to let Nick see your tantrum either, he also might get ideas!

Tonya

Asheboro, nc

mother of Nora,3

From: NIck Guthe <nickgutheyahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [infantile_scoliosi s] I am a wreck- sorry to rantTo: infantile_scoliosis @yahoogroups. comDate: Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 6:50 PM

Hi,

Well, it's been only about 24 hours since we left the hospital yesterday, and I am a wreck emotionally. I am so appreciative of all of your messages and supportive emails, but I am so sad right now. I know I have to grieve this new information, not just the number that went up and not down, but the fact that our Doc said that Bex might likely be in some kind of brace until he is fully grown. We have a very strong willed boy, and he is not going to like it one bit. Nick did not have his last growth spurt until he was 15-16 years old!!! If Bex is like his Dad, we could have fourteen more years of casts and braces to go. My heart is breaking for my boy going through that. My heart is breaking.

We had to go to the airport today and get on a plane, and I tried not to cry, until we got into the cab in L.A. and I cried the whole ride home. I think maybe I have been too optimistic. I get my hopes up, I keep thinking Bex will be the exception. I get so full of anxiety the whole week before travelling. It is such a build up, and I feel like I just pushed myself off a cliff. I am so sorry to be so pessimistic and ungrateful sounding, because I am so grateful for all of the positives, and you cannot go to a Shriners Hospital and not see so many kids with very difficult conditions, and feel lucky for what you have.

I still think we have the greatest doctor. We love our hospital and the whole staff, they are so wonderful to us. It is just that it is one week before we are supposed to travel to NY to have a happy Christmas with my family, and they will not really understand what it is like to go through this. They are loving and supportive, but now I just don't want to go. I don't have time to grieve this before then.

I ordered Christmas cards weeks ago with a positive message about Bex's health on them. I feel like throwing them away. I know I need to pull it together. It's just that the wound is still fresh. And we have to go back in 10 weeks again for another cast and an MRI for Bex's spinal cyst (syrinx). I just feel like I can't handle it. Just like in the beginning, with the diagnosis. I feel like a terrible mother because I am so depressed. Maybe I need to take anti-depressants. I can't stop eating, it feels like I am going down for the count and I can't get back up. I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. My heart is so heavy. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry that I am not stronger. Heidi, Bexon's Mama, (2 years old, in 5th cast from Salt Lake City Shriners)