Re: I get scared sometimes...

[Guest guest]

Sorry, I posted a blank response by mistake.

Like you, I've spent a lot of time worrying about why I'm different

and why I don't fit in. I don't know if your troubling characteristics

are more severe than mine or not, so I can't speak to your status.

I know I've contemplated this identity question for many years, and

I've come to conclusion that the real me is not my body, not my mind,

not this, not that. Who I am is the silent witness to all this, the

one who exists between thoughts, between breaths.

There are lots of things I could worry about, and I do worry

sometimes, but when I meditate and in my better moments, I remember

who I really am. This is not to say that we should deny our identity

or our Aspie status or anything else. It's more like be in the world,

but not of it. Be like the lotus, with its roots in the mud, and its

flower uplifted.

Ken

>

> I get scared sometimes when I think about AS, when I think about who

> I really am (not the person I pretend to be or the person people

> incorrectly assume me to be). I have spent most of my life hiding

> and pretending, now that I am in the slow process of learning about

> my real self and starting to gradually let that person show I worry

> what I am becoming. Intellectually I grasp the idea of the AS

> continuum, but emotionally it scares me. I look at the people on

> the far end of the scale (the low functioning autistics) and I

> wonder how different I really am from them. How close I am to

> coming to that level? I try to tell myself that I have well above

> an average IQ and that would definately put myself in the HFA or

> aspie category. But then I also think of the theory that low

> functioning autistics may actually be extremely intelligent, just

> not able to demonstrate it in ways others can recognize. When I was

> in the lower grades everyone thought I was a slow learner. It would

> have been more accurate to say I knew all the answers but my hands

> could not manipulate the pencils and crayons to write the correct

> answers. And then there is the problem that I just don't process

> verbal information very well at all.

>

> I rant a little occasionally about the psychological damage I feel

> my mom did by criticising everything I did and forcing me to play

> normal. But then I think what if she didn't? Would I be happier

> and well adjusted or would I have been a low functioning autistic if

> she did not pressure me so much?

>

> In high school I started to feel that if people knew what really

> went on inside my head, if they really knew my secrets they would

> cart me off to a mental home. I felt that I was hiding some very

> serious mental problems. Maybe this was my reaction to the way my

> mother freaked out over things like me swaying back and forth to

> music or my thinking it was okay to wear a t-shirt and dress skirt

> together. Maybe I was growing aware of just how very different I

> was from everyone else. Since then I have tried to tell myself that

> it really is only minor quirks and eccentricties. But the feeling

> would keep coming back. And now I realize that it isn't just

> something minor, I'm not just a little different from most people, I

> am very, very different.

>

> At first I thought that my symptoms were really very minor, but

> lately I have been coming to believe that they are actually fairly

> strong, but I am just very good at hiding them and coming up with

> coping strategies. Do the more able people with AS have less severe

> symptoms or are they just better at coping?

>

> I am sorry to ramble on like this. I have been thinking about why

> the whole continuum thing does not sit well with me and I have dug

> up some very unpleasant thoughts.

>

> Have any of you struggled with these issues before? How did you

> work through it?

>

> Ilah

[Guest guest]

I know exactly how you feel, AS at least gave me a reason to why I'm broken as a functioning person in the world around me.

Even now as I write my work is suffering and I stare failure in the face like it was pre-ordained for me. I can't work for other people because Im definately not a team player or follow sports like a mindless zombie so don't socialise in the conventional sense. Working for myself I don't understand the people working for me and they certainly don't understand me.

Years ago I used to wish I was like everybody else but now I don't and when people try to get close I'll launch into a dialogue that grosses people out to send others running in order to regain my personal space. I have just built a water bottling robot which the largest manufacturer of similar equipment in the US wants the design for. Every invention I design and build I shelve because Ive done it and now I want to do something new. My response is I'm bored with that and thats that. therefore I'll never be succesful in the conventional sense. Also when there is something that I know absolutely needs attending to, I'll freeze up and pursue something else.

I see no difference between so called low functioning autistics and myself because truth be known I am so disfunctional people see me as a succesful person business wise but yet I live in my factory in the back of a landcruiser. But for fate I probably would be living in government housing on a pension. My only advantage is I see the world in crystal clear clarity and can hyperfocus on a task untill its done. YET while hyperfocussing I neglect EVERYTHING around me and things fall apart around my ears. When people see how focussed I get they get tempted and steal or advantage themselves at my expense. I dont take advantage of others yet it constantly happens to me.

The way I work through these issues is by daydreaming and also by the knowledge that it isnt really my condition but the difference with me and NT's. That because they are in the majority they set the rules for themselves and anyone different can just go and get stuffed. Also the knowledge that in many ways they are actually inferior to us just as they see autistics as inferior to themselves. If aspies were in the majority ironically I dont think we would be talking about this because it would be the 'done thing' and society would be built around the way we are.

Cheer up, because this new awareness will bring very tangible results in the future. Projects such like the one e is undertaking, will crate a different set of conditions in the long run

Evan

Ilah wrote:

I get scared sometimes when I think about AS, when I think about who I really am (not the person I pretend to be or the person people incorrectly assume me to be). I have spent most of my life hiding and pretending, now that I am in the slow process of learning about my real self and starting to gradually let that person show I worry what I am becoming. Intellectually I grasp the idea of the AS continuum, but emotionally it scares me. I look at the people on the far end of the scale (the low functioning autistics) and I wonder how different I really am from them. How close I am to coming to that level? I try to tell myself that I have well above an average IQ and that would definately put myself in the HFA or aspie category. But then I also think of the theory that low functioning autistics may

actually be extremely intelligent, just not able to demonstrate it in ways others can recognize. When I was in the lower grades everyone thought I was a slow learner. It would have been more accurate to say I knew all the answers but my hands could not manipulate the pencils and crayons to write the correct answers. And then there is the problem that I just don't process verbal information very well at all.I rant a little occasionally about the psychological damage I feel my mom did by criticising everything I did and forcing me to play normal. But then I think what if she didn't? Would I be happier and well adjusted or would I have been a low functioning autistic if she did not pressure me so much?In high school I started to feel that if people knew what really went on inside my head, if they really knew my secrets they would cart me off to a mental home. I felt that I was hiding

some very serious mental problems. Maybe this was my reaction to the way my mother freaked out over things like me swaying back and forth to music or my thinking it was okay to wear a t-shirt and dress skirt together. Maybe I was growing aware of just how very different I was from everyone else. Since then I have tried to tell myself that it really is only minor quirks and eccentricties. But the feeling would keep coming back. And now I realize that it isn't just something minor, I'm not just a little different from most people, I am very, very different.At first I thought that my symptoms were really very minor, but lately I have been coming to believe that they are actually fairly strong, but I am just very good at hiding them and coming up with coping strategies. Do the more able people with AS have less severe symptoms or are they just better at coping?I am sorry to ramble on

like this. I have been thinking about why the whole continuum thing does not sit well with me and I have dug up some very unpleasant thoughts.Have any of you struggled with these issues before? How did you work through it?IlahFAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship, support and acceptance. Everyone is valued. Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page in the folder marked "Other FAM Sites." __________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Ilah,

One other thought I had on this is that Temple Grandin, the autie

professor who designs humane cattle handling equipment, claims that

she has no subconscious mind. All her thoughts, simple or weird, are

right out there for her to examine. I've noticed tendencies toward

this in myself. NTs are better are hiding the weird stuff away and not

having to see it. Having weird thoughts can make you feel like you're

crazy, but these are just thoughts that everyone has and NTs can push

them down into the subconscious.

Ken

> >

>

> Have any of you struggled with these issues before? How did you

> work through it?

>

> Ilah

[Guest guest]

Ilah,

One other thought I had on this is that Temple Grandin, the autie

professor who designs humane cattle handling equipment, claims that

she has no subconscious mind. All her thoughts, simple or weird, are

right out there for her to examine. I've noticed tendencies toward

this in myself. NTs are better are hiding the weird stuff away and not

having to see it. Having weird thoughts can make you feel like you're

crazy, but these are just thoughts that everyone has and NTs can push

them down into the subconscious.

Ken

> >

>

> Have any of you struggled with these issues before? How did you

> work through it?

>

> Ilah

[Guest guest]

Ken,

I think we examine " weird " thoughts more because we are

1) More self aware

2) And are constantly told by people that we are weird.

In the first case, we are naturally aware of our weirdness and in

the second case we are often forced to confront and evaluate it

because it's been constantly brought to our attention.

Tom

> Ilah,

>

Ilah,

NTs are better are hiding the weird stuff away and not

having to see it. Having weird thoughts can make you feel like you're

crazy, but these are just thoughts that everyone has and NTs can push

them down into the subconscious.

Ken

[Guest guest]

Ken,

I think we examine " weird " thoughts more because we are

1) More self aware

2) And are constantly told by people that we are weird.

In the first case, we are naturally aware of our weirdness and in

the second case we are often forced to confront and evaluate it

because it's been constantly brought to our attention.

Tom

> Ilah,

>

Ilah,

NTs are better are hiding the weird stuff away and not

having to see it. Having weird thoughts can make you feel like you're

crazy, but these are just thoughts that everyone has and NTs can push

them down into the subconscious.

Ken

[Guest guest]

Ken,

I think we examine " weird " thoughts more because we are

1) More self aware

2) And are constantly told by people that we are weird.

In the first case, we are naturally aware of our weirdness and in

the second case we are often forced to confront and evaluate it

because it's been constantly brought to our attention.

Tom

> Ilah,

>

Ilah,

NTs are better are hiding the weird stuff away and not

having to see it. Having weird thoughts can make you feel like you're

crazy, but these are just thoughts that everyone has and NTs can push

them down into the subconscious.

Ken

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the info' I am sure I have heard it referred to as

something else though - but cannot seem to recall it - something to

do with it's many petals?

> >

> > This was very nice - I got a lovely mental image of the lotus :-)

> > pinky and white. I cannot at the moment recall the symbology of

the

> > lotus - but I am aware that there is meant to be some connected

to

> > it - do you know of it?

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe you're thinking of the Thousand-Petaled Lotus, which is another

name for the crown chakra.

Ken

> > >

> > > This was very nice - I got a lovely mental image of the lotus :-)

> > > pinky and white. I cannot at the moment recall the symbology of

> the

> > > lotus - but I am aware that there is meant to be some connected

> to

> > > it - do you know of it?

> > >

> > >

> >