SV: Re: I get scared sometimes...

[Guest guest]

> > I get scared sometimes when I think about AS, when I think about who > I really am (not the person I pretend to be or the person people > incorrectly assume me to be). I have spent most of my life hiding > and pretending, now that I am in the slow process of learning about > my real self and starting to gradually let that person show I worry > what I am becoming.

Perhaps I'm getting closer to the point of knowing the "real me" too.....I can very much understand

what you are experiencing. When one however reach at least a bit of knowledge I have found it

to be very, very comforting and has given me a peace of mind that I didn't have before. Just

imagine that some people actually get this for free....amazing!!

Intellectually I grasp the idea of the AS > continuum, but emotionally it scares me. I look at the people on > the far end of the scale (the low functioning autistics) and I > wonder how different I really am from them. How close I am to > coming to that level? I try to tell myself that I have well above > an average IQ and that would definately put myself in the HFA or > aspie category. But then I also think of the theory that low > functioning autistics may actually be extremely intelligent, just > not able to demonstrate it in ways others can recognize. When I was > in the lower grades everyone thought I was a slow learner. It would > have been more accurate to say I knew all the answers but my hands > could not manipulate the pencils and crayons to write the correct > answers. And then there is the problem that I just don't process > verbal information very well at all.

I too felt like this before. I wondered if a for real had anything to do with those people with a

low functioning autism???.....

I thought the diagnosis were so separate as they can be...

The turningpoint came at a meeting with individuals with same dx but VERY different.

We discussed a specific topic , I think it was housing, and suddenly it struck me.

We all had the same problems. We got stuck on the exact same things. Just a variation

of how much and how many things we got stuck on.

I left that meeting very humble and

with the knowledge of that we were all are on the same spectrum. If I had doubted it before

it was mostly about my own fear of beeing looked upon as "not good enough". But beeing

faced with this truth actually didn't make me fell any less at all (as I had feared) Instead

it strengthened my self-image and knowledge. Sometimes our fears turn out to our best

tools in life:))

> > I rant a little occasionally about the psychological damage I feel > my mom did by criticising everything I did and forcing me to play > normal. But then I think what if she didn't? Would I be happier > and well adjusted or would I have been a low functioning autistic if > she did not pressure me so much?

She probably did her best for the time beeing and according to her knowledge at the time.

Beeing forced to "play normal" can be very painful and stressful. It can however also

help you from beeing bullied ALL the time. Men hate everything that's different because

we are in fear of becming different ourselves (or at least I think so). As an adult you can

choose which life you want to lead. But consider the fact that noone never had taught you

that saying nasty things actually could hurt someone else (something that never struck

my mind as younger) or that it's not OK to behave like a slob at a fancy dinner. Then you

wouldn't even have the ability to choose on how to behave. Even today as an adult I choose

to act NT at times. It is very hard and takes a lot of my energy at that moment. Sometimes

it's worth it however. The consequences of beeing "real Lotta" can actually turn out to be

worse at times. I'm glad that I at least have the choice today and thank my mother very

much for teaching me social skills (as best she could.....). > > In high school I started to feel that if people knew what really > went on inside my head, if they really knew my secrets they would > cart me off to a mental home. I felt that I was hiding some very > serious mental problems. Maybe this was my reaction to the way my > mother freaked out over things like me swaying back and forth to > music or my thinking it was okay to wear a t-shirt and dress skirt > together. Maybe I was growing aware of just how very different I > was from everyone else. Since then I have tried to tell myself that > it really is only minor quirks and eccentricties. But the feeling > would keep coming back. And now I realize that it isn't just > something minor, I'm not just a little different from most people, I > am very, very different.

I recently understood one of the reasons to why I don't like eye-contact. I actually thought

that others could see inside my head and see something that I wasn't able to. I knew,

somehow, that I didn't know very much abt myself and thought that others had that

ability just looking at me. > > At first I thought that my symptoms were really very minor, but > lately I have been coming to believe that they are actually fairly > strong, but I am just very good at hiding them and coming up with > coping strategies. Do the more able people with AS have less severe > symptoms or are they just better at coping?

Probably just better at coping and faking it;)> > I am sorry to ramble on like this. I have been thinking about why > the whole continuum thing does not sit well with me and I have dug > up some very unpleasant thoughts.> > Have any of you struggled with these issues before? How did you > work through it?

Hope some of my own thoughts can help.

Lotta > > IlahFAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship, support and acceptance. Everyone is valued. Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page in the folder marked "Other FAM Sites."

[Guest guest]

I've thought that too. I think that is why NTs are so noisy, they can't stand the quiet since it forces them to look inward where they might see things they won't like. I know when I've looked inward I seen things I didn't like, but that only meant those were things I should change so they wouldn't be there looking at me anymore.

In C.S. 's Screwtape Letter, a book of a supposed collection of letter written by a senior demon to his nephew, an apprentice temper working on his first case, Screwtape often talks about the constant din and racket in Hell. The reason for the constant noise was to keep the Demons from looking inward at themselves and from hearing that still quiet voice of "The Enemy". That's an interesting comparison with so many people. While it might not be to keep from hearing that voice, they fill their lives with noise and diversions to avoid introspection.

[Guest guest]

I've thought that too. I think that is why NTs are so noisy, they can't stand the quiet since it forces them to look inward where they might see things they won't like. I know when I've looked inward I seen things I didn't like, but that only meant those were things I should change so they wouldn't be there looking at me anymore.

In C.S. 's Screwtape Letter, a book of a supposed collection of letter written by a senior demon to his nephew, an apprentice temper working on his first case, Screwtape often talks about the constant din and racket in Hell. The reason for the constant noise was to keep the Demons from looking inward at themselves and from hearing that still quiet voice of "The Enemy". That's an interesting comparison with so many people. While it might not be to keep from hearing that voice, they fill their lives with noise and diversions to avoid introspection.