Re: Desperate & so exhausted

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone...

I know it's been a while since I've attributed anything to the group. I was

sort of holding my breath I guess. Seems like things were off to such a good

start with the new school year.....by mid-term was actually getting 2

A's, 2 B's, 1 C and 1 F....which was awesome compared to the report cards of

the past 2 years. Then she came clean with me about the " cutting " which was

sort of a blow but didn't seem too bad. I had suspected it for a while. She

didn't seem to be doing it all that much and I wasn't really even sure if it

was

serious or if it was something she was just experimenting with. Then all of

a sudden in mid Oct....things crashed just after we had a wonderful final

meeting with her psychiatrist. He was so proud of her for the good grades, all

med's seemed to be working great, she seemed happy even though we told him

about the cutting now...he still felt things were going well, So now he retired

Oct. 15th....and shortly thereafter, seemed to be getting more & more

irritable....as if every little tiny thing someone would say was irritating

to her. She was just snapping at everyone. When I asked her what's going

on....she told me that she " doesn't think her medications are working anymore

and

that she's never felt this depressed. " She asked me if we can go see the

therapist more than once a week cause she really wants to stop the cutting and

that she's doing it more now...like everyday. I noticed she had bought herself

these new wrist bands that go almost up to the elbow and she seemed to be

wearing them 24/7. She was real open with me about the cutting and told me she

thinks one of the cuts is infected and finally agreed to allow me to see her

wrist with the promise that I won't freak out or be mad at her or anything. I

just wanted to clean it properly, put on an antibiotic ointment and bandage

it. I nearly died inside when she showed me. I was right that the new bands

she was wearing everyday were to cover more area of her arm. It was no longer

just the wrist. The cuts were from hand, between fingers to way up above the

bands to her upper arm. There was at least 50 " fresh cuts " and some were

oozing. I had to bite my tongue and not say a word or look shocked or anything.

She had wanted to continue to talk to me....she had taken a sleeping pill and

if she doesn't go right to bed, she will ramble and she did. She had a lot she

wanted to get out....we talked about when and how she thinks it all

started....back a few years ago during a " forced " visitation with her Dad down

in FL.

She was only 10 years old. (She's now 14) It was a bad time during a

horrible custody battle. Her Dad just sort of went nuts. He's got issues as

well as

other's in his family...which I see alot of in now. There was alot of

trauma on during that visit which just made return as a

different kid. She explained alot of what had happened back then on her visit

which

she never told me about before. She also admitted it was on that visitation,

that she just felt like she lost " all feelings " and just felt " sort of like

cold " after that trip. It was while she was there that she first felt like

stabbing herself and her Dad's sister that was there dared her to do it. Her

Dad and his sister just abused the hell out of her verbally, emotionally, and a

little bit physically. And they did this to out of anger with ME!!

They were mad that didn't want to live with her Dad and just terorized

the crap out of her trying to " brainwash " as described, into believing

that I was such a horrible mother to leave her Dad and get devorced. Mind

you, I WAS NOT the one that wanted or filed for the devorce!!!!!!!!!!!! But they

put all the blame on me and tried to turn against me as well!

Anyway.....lots came out in this conversation. She just wanted to keep

talking....didn't want me to leave her room. I asked her if this being depressed

right

now, since her med's aren't working anymore, has ever made her feel suicidal? I

was afraid to ask but I did. She said " yes, she's thought about it but that

she would never actually do it because she couldn't bare the thought of what

it would do to me " .....(thank God she can actually think about the

after-effects.) But yes, she told me she does wish she was dead and had thought

of how

she would do it too but that she won't do that to me. I wanted to lose it

there so badly but didn't. She was laying in bed by now and tears were just

streaming from my eyes uncontrollably, but I didn't want her to know so I

turned

out her light. We talked a little while longer and I finally told her to get

some sleep. Then I just fell on my bathroom floor crying uncontrollably.

Wouldn't you know, she got up and came in and I tried to hide that I was crying.

I tried to joke with her by saying " oh , the stress you give me is going

to either give me all gray hair or kill me. I said it jokingly trying to

cover up the fact that I was crying. But as soon as I said it I knew I

shouldn't

have. She looked panicked and said " if anything ever happens to you Mom, I

would definitely kill myself! " I said " !! I was kidding!! I'm not going

to die! " So by now, mid-November....of course the phone calls started

coming from school again. I've learned that her A's and B's have now dropped to

D's & F's. She's cutting at school everyday especially after PE class. It

seems that her PE coach just has it in for her. She never seems to be able to

say or do anything right in class anymore. PE was even one of her A's but is now

an F. I explained to her PE teacher what's going on, how her med's have

stopped working and the teacher is like... " oh that's about when all the

problems

started happening...it all makes sence. " I asked her to please try and have

patience until we can get her appt. with the psychiatrist and asked her to

please not tell I told her about the cutting. Sure enough the next

day...the PE teacher told " your Mom and I had a talk and she told me

some

things about you. " asked her " like what kind of things? " and the PE

teacher said " Go ask your Mom. " I was PISSED when told me this! Does

this

sound like the PE teacher purposly tried to cause her anxiety? Why on earth

would she have told about the conversation at all? Why on earth would

she tell her " your Mom told me things about you. " Ohhhh I'm so livid!!!! She

even told she was being a " smart-ass " one day and sent out of

the class because she had told the kids to write a poem about a sport and

asked " is shopping a sport? " I don't know....but it just doesn't seem

there

is any patience or understanding at all with this teacher. I'm so

frustrated. I can't get an appointment with another psychiatrist until

Dec.3.....and

even finding an adolescent psychiatrist that is still taking patients in Los

Angeles is next to impossible without connections.....which is how I finally

even got this one to agree to see her....but not until Dec. 3. And her

therapist can't see more than once a week even though asked to

see her

more often. Her therapist said this is the worst case of " cutting " she's ever

seen. She said it's great that WANTS to stop and is keeping the

journal on every time that she cuts....but it's going to take a long time and a

lot more work from . She said we could hospitalize her if I want to but

with being so stubborn and the way she just spews things from her mouth

that she doesn't really mean, it could also make matters a lot worse.

This just all sucks. Why does my kid have to have so many issues? ADHD, OCD,

intellectually gifted, cuts, depressed, social anxiety, poor self

esteem..........

What a waste of life. It's so hard to believe she was once a gifted actor.

She had been in acting since the age of 4....and it was all her wanting to do

it. Never was I one of those stage-Moms that pushed her into it. It's a long

story but she managed to get herself into it. She had been telling me since

she was 2 years old that she wanted to be on TV....she'd memorize all the

commercials word for word....and she was just in the right place at the right

time at 4 years old. I tried to sway her by getting her into ballet, gymnastics,

cheerleading, scouts, etc. but she never stuck with anything but acting. By 7

years old, she was taking 2 acting classes a week and it still wasn't enough

for her. She was also working alot auditioning....and real acting jobs.

She's been on hundreds on TV shows, movies, hundreds of commercials, video.

She's

worked with big-name people like Clooney, Kelsey Grammer, Faith Hill,

Steve Buchemi, Delta Burke, blah, blah, blah.....She's even a member of SAG

which is an elite unuion for professional actors...the Screen Actor's

Guild....which you have to earn your way into. But she hasn't worked an acting

job

in 2 years now because she lost her work permit, which you have to have by law

in the state of California...and with D's and F's on a report card....there

is no getting a work permit renewed. So this has devestated her. She feels

like a " loser " she feels " stupid & dumb " ......her self esteem is rock bottom.

She was so proud of herself at the beginning of this school year cause she was

getting good grades and thought she'd finally get her work permit back then

BAM! Medications stop working and everything is spiraling downward even

further than before. It just sucks...and is so damn sad.

I'm feeling so down today.

Thanks for listening,

/CA

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Wow. That's about all I can say. What a huge amount to deal with.

First of all, I'd report the PE teacher to the principal ASAP. Teachers

of children that age should certainly know enough to not make thoughtless

comments like that. It's not as if you told her that your daughter was worried

about being invited to a party or something. She's CUTTING herself, for God's

sake

- that's serious and should be taken seriously. In fact, I'd probably demand

that she be taken out of PE for the rest of the quarter or semester. Does she

have an IEP? I'd schedule an emergency meeting with the counselor, principal

and whoever else might need to be there and make some emergency provisions for

her. Make them take it seriously. In my limited experience, schools are very

willing to help if someone can tell them in a polite and respectful way what is

needed.

Secondly, I'd take your daughter to the ER if you are worried about

waiting until the 3rd. I've heard from many people that that is the way to get

in

to a psychiatrist faster, although you then may not end up with the best one.

Still, in an area as big as LA there has to be an adolescent psychiatrist who

can see her, and they will find one if she ends up at a hospital.

And third, it does seem like such a waste to watch our kids deteriorate

like this. I'm sure many on this list can sympathize. My daughter also has OCD,

ADHD, TS and is gifted. She also suffers from severe depression at times and

has an eating disorder. She started life with such promise, and now there are

weeks when I wonder whether she will even make it through high school. But in

general, with good medication and excellent therapy, she continues to get

better. Your daughter will too. The fact that she can verbalize what caused her

to

start cutting is very good. If she can work on these issues with a good

therapist she will get better.

If this were my daughter I think I might consider hospitalizing her until

she is feeling better. But only if there were a good hospital for adolescents

available that others had recommended. I'm sure there are in the LA area, but

the financial considerations are usually the chief obstacle.

That breaks my heart about your letter is that I work daily with children

who are caught up in really ugly custody battles. The parents are always so

blind to what they are doing to their kids. Taking their anger out on the

ex-spouse through the children is so common - if only they had a clue what it

can

lead to. Maybe someday your bright, articulate daughter can talk to others

about what her father did to her.

Let us know what happens, and give your daughter a hug from all of us.

in NV

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I'm so sorry things have taken a turn for the worse with ,

she'd come such a long way! Do you think her meds need increased

since some time has passed on them? (might have missed if you said

they had been)

Sounds like she still carries quite a load from that terrible trip to

her dad's, things can stay with a person sometimes. Plus her OCD and

school and teachers that apparently...well, I'll hold that thought!

She's got an IEP doesn't she, I'd would immediately call the school

psych or guidance counselor and see, well demand - if doesn't

mind - that she be exempt from PE, that something else be found for

her for that time, even if it's study time in the library. Put it in

such a way that the teacher & " clash personalities " and it's

not helping 's anxiety problems right now, all grades

suffering....

Do you have any idea just where her therapist might have her go to

hospitalize ? If things are staying in crisis mode at school,

causing her a lot of anxiety, depression, stress, etc., and she's not

really getting her education/learning right now, then it might be a

good time to check into some places where she could get 24 hrs of

evaluating, gettings meds adjusted/changed, some counseling.... I

guess other kids/teens in crisis would be there too, show her she's

not the only one. Actually, I'm wondering about any specific

help/group or place for cutters as it's really a problems these days

or at least is coming out more into the open; I guess I'm thinking

California has more of a variety of help groups than my small little

city here. Has her therapist mentioned any?

Has her OCD been acting up a bit more too, causing her much

frustration?

Well, I do know from past posts that might go through some

rough times but she is a fighter and will get through this, after all

she's communicating with you and letting you know what's going on,

she finally let you know about her OCD, etc. Once she gains a bit of

momentum and achieves a bit, she'll come right along!

In the meantime, take care of yourself, give a big, big hug

from us all, tell her to hang in there with therapy, her safety and

emotional and physical well-being come first (i.e., don't worry about

missing school for appts/counseling/or inpatient), to be strong, and

you keep us updated!

> Hi everyone...

> I know it's been a while since I've attributed anything to the

group. I was

> sort of holding my breath I guess. Seems like things were off to

such a good

> start with the new school year.....by mid-term was actually

getting 2

> A's, 2 B's, 1 C and 1 F....which was awesome compared to the report

cards of

[Guest guest]

-

(HUGS) to you and . You have received such wonderful advice

and support from others on this list tonight. I just want to echo

their thoughts and let you know that I will keep you in my thoughts

and prayers. I'm glad you have this list to come to for

support...it's so hard to feel all alone-

Blessings-

(Ohio) Anne (14)