Re: Acceptance of disability

[Guest guest]

Dear Ray,

I read somewhere that " Grief is like a drunken party guest...always coming back

for one more goodnight hug " . I know that to be true. Twice in my life I have

had to accept the fact

that my child was dead. God only knows what kept me going. When I came out of

my disability hearing after listening to the doctor tell the judge what I could

and could not do, I

told the atty. that I felt like an old horse that ought to be taken out to the

back pasture and shot...totally useless. That was almost four years ago. One

thing that did help me

a lot was a " gratitude " journal. Each day I would journal about the things I

was grateful for that day, regardless of how small. I am grateful that I can

still cook myself

nourishing food, I can still see the beauty of the world and all that is in it;

I can walk; I can talk; I can hear the music...and the beat goes on. I know

there is a purpose for

me other than what I did in the " working world " and God has shown me that my

writing can and does help others by sharing. But still, at times I feel like an

old violin...but it

beats the alternative.

Love you,

Diane

Ray in Virginia wrote:

>

>

> How do you deal with the fact that you are ill? How do you deal with the

> fact that chronic pain debilitates you, preventing you from living life the

> way you would rather live it? Has your disability lowered your self-esteem?

> Do you feel less of a man, less of a woman, when others know you are

> disabled by chronic pain and other disease symptoms? Bottom line? Have you

> truly accepted life as it must be lived with chronic pain, etc.?

>

> This is a rather difficult time for me. I'm revisiting the grief of

> realizing how limited my life is compared to how it was before the pain

> became so debilitating. New symptoms have complicated life for me. Chronic

> fatigue has drastically changed my life. Memory loss, i.e., what we

> jokingly refer to as Brain Fog, has become acute.

>

> Tomorrow I talk to my lawyer about applying for disability benefits. I

> haven't earned more than $2,500.00 a year in over five years. I feel like

> I'm giving in and giving up the fight against RS, Sjogrens Syndrome, and

> probable Fibromyalgia.

> I don't want to feel that way.

>

> I am not asking for sympathy. Rather I'm seeking your own story about how

> you have accepted your limitations and still live a good life. For many of

> us life isn't very joyful much of the time. So how have you found joy in

> the midst of defeat?

> How have you accepted living with your disease and the pain?

> Life goes on...

> Ray

>

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[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/15/99 7:29:55 PM Eastern Standard Time,

ladenier@... writes:

<< What helped me the most back then, and continues to help me today is my

faith in God. I'm a Christian and have grown to believe in the sovereignty

of God - meaning nothing that comes my way is out of His control. >>

Lois:

What a powerful message - at least to me. I hope it helped others as much.

To be sure, I do not suffer as much pain or disability as do you and others;

but, your message had a huge impact on me. Thank you.

{{{and pain-free wishes}}}

Carol

~~~•••••~~~

" In the little things of life, follow your mind; in the big things of life,

follow your heart. " (author unknown)

~~~•••••~~~

STRETCH your cash. Trade what you have for what you want. PLUS, earn

referral fees on transactions. http://www.traderewards.com/i.asp?ID=100031

[Guest guest]

Diane, thank you for your response. I could not imagine losing a child of

mine.

I did go today to start the disability process, but since I worked for four

years of the last ten years with Chicago Public Schools, which does not

participate in the Social Security Program, I'm probably not eligible. I've

fought to stay active and able by substitute teaching the last six years,

but have earned so little, even none in some quarters, that it means I'm not

eligible, even without going through the medical stuff.

Truth is we don't need the money, thankfully. And I feel a little weird

even applying for it when our total family income is so high, thanks to my

wife's business. If I did get disability I'd feel like I was taking

advantage of the situation. There are many people far needier than me.

I was walking through the grocery store the other day following along behind

a young couple with a baby in the grocery cart. They walked all through the

store, going up and down every aisle, talking softly. I soon realized that

they had only a little bit of money and were trying to decide what food they

could buy that would last the longest. I gave some money to my daughter and

had her take it to them and say, " Merry Christmas from Santa Claus! " It

made me feel good to anonymously give them a little lift.

Ray in Virginia

[Guest guest]

Dear Ray,

I so enjoy reading your posts because you are echoing the feelings and

thoughts of so many of us out here suffering 24/7 with chronic pain,

depression, etc. Why should you feel guilty or unworthy of benefits you are

entitled to, which you have contributed to from the moment you were employed,

just because you feel that there should be another way to survive? I have

gone through the same gamut of feelings as I applied for disability benefits

last year. I applied in October of 1998 and was approved in March of 1999,

and the benefits have greatly reduced financial (and other) stresses for me

and my family. I struggled with the decision to apply because I felt that

there should be an " answer " other than to suffer and collect benefits when at

any other time I would be sitting in front of my PC working as a legal

secretary and " feeling useful " . It isn't easy to accept the fact that our

lives are changed by chronic pain and the attendant effects (depression,

etc.) but you have to choose your wellbeing (and your family's welfare) when

making your decision. You should draw benefits which have been allocated for

people who have the type of problems you have, legitimate medical conditions

which prevent you from being a " contributing " member of society. You are a

very wise, compassionate person and you deserve the best of whatever benefit

programs you are eligible for.

When making your decision, a list of " pros and cons " can sometimes designate

the right path more clearly, but above all, take care of yourself and your

family.

Best wishes and good luck!!

Tracey (KY)

[Guest guest]

I just sent you a post earlier about disability, you are fortunate to have

income to meet financial obligations, and we all should keep in mind that we

are fortunate in most respects, even though we suffer phsically and mentally

from pain. It's the little things that keep most of us going (a hug and kiss

from a child, thanks from someone just because you did something nice for

them that you just wanted to do, not because you had to, a smile from a

stranger when you smiled at them in passing, and so on...) and your " Santa

Claus " is the best of giving -- when it's not expected but genuinely

necessary and appreciated -- you are a wonderful person to think of others at

times when you may not feel your best!!

Best wishes!!

Tracey (KY)

[Guest guest]

Ray asked:

How do you deal with the fact that you are ill? Have you

truly accepted life as it must be lived with chronic pain, etc.? So how

have you found joy in the midst of defeat? How have you accepted living

with your disease and the pain?

I've been disabled from chronic pain since 1971 and it has not been easy. I

played the games, thinking if I did as the drs told me that everything would

be all right and believed them when they told me that the pain was all in my

head, to get back to work and I'd be all right. I went back to work and

things have never been right. I had a series of losses as a result of my

disability in 1975, I became depressed and was anorexic for almost a year.

As a service-connected disabled veteran the VA was little help and only

threw pills at me.

What helped me the most back then, and continues to help me today is my

faith in God. I'm a Christian and have grown to believe in the sovereignty

of God - meaning nothing that comes my way is out of His control.

In more recent years, since I got married in 1990, other diagnoses have been

added. On top of allergies and asthma, PTSD after an assault in 1987 by a

co-worker, I developed chronic bursitis in one hip and fibromyalgia

(probably connected to my long-term sleep disorder-apparently I've had some

symptoms of PTSD going back to the 1960s since I grew up in an alcoholic and

sexually abusive household). Was sick for 9 months with mycoplasma

pneumonia. In 1996 had my first attack of polyarthritis and went into

down-hill spirtal of chronic fatigue. Then was diagnosed with

osteoarthritis in my left shoulder and spine, cutting off nerves to my hands

and feet. At the end of 1997 I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.

At our 1997 Thanksgiving service at church all I could do was cry-it was not

a year I could thank God for. I couldn't pray except to tell God that He

would have to change my heart. I still don't know how He did it and I can't

really explain why, but by Christmas that year, I could celebrate the coming

of my Lord and Savior.

In 1975 I had to give up a career in nursing because of my disability. In

1992 I had to give up working outside my home because of my disabilities.

This year, 1999, I had to close my home-based business because of my

disabilities. Yes, I've struggled with my self-esteem; my sense of purpose

and worth came from what I could DO. But I've been learning that my life

has purpose and meaning because I am a child of God, and He sees my life as

worth living, as having purpose, meaning and worth. Sometimes I don't know

what He sees in me. I can only do the best I can with what capabilities,

gifts and talents He gives me TODAY. I do know that He loves me enough to

die for me, and that He knows exactly how I feel, because His Holy Spirit is

in me, working out His best for me.

One of the other people on this list mentioned grieving. I've learned that

with whenever I have a loss of a capability I have to go through the grief

process again. It's naturally a part of way God created us. And I know

that He grieves with me, whenever I do lose something or someone. The final

stage is acceptance; although it may be short between loses, eventually I

get there again and again.

I could go on, but I'll stop there for now.

Lois in PA

Grace... Power Made Perfect in Weakness

(2 Cor. 12:9)

[Guest guest]

Ray - how compassionate of you! I know how they may feel as a result of

your gift: at one point I was on welfare and food stamps myself. I was

attending college on my GI Bill when the radiator on my car over heated,

cracking the head assembly, costing me all that I had saved for my books for

the semester. Out of the blue, I received $500 anonymously - I was

overwhelmed with such a tremendous gift. It was one of those ways that God

has of taking care of my needs. You are really blessed to be able to give

them whatever amount you did.

Lois in PA

I was walking through the grocery store the other day following along behind

a young couple with a baby in the grocery cart. They walked all through the

store, going up and down every aisle, talking softly. I soon realized that

they had only a little bit of money and were trying to decide what food they

could buy that would last the longest. I gave some money to my daughter and

had her take it to them and say, " Merry Christmas from Santa Claus! " It

made me feel good to anonymously give them a little lift.

Ray in Virginia

[Guest guest]

At 04:43 PM 11/15/99 -0500, Ray in Virginia wisely said:

>I did go today to start the disability process, but since I worked for four

>years of the last ten years with Chicago Public Schools, which does not

>participate in the Social Security Program, I'm probably not eligible

Ray,

I am not so sure you are ineligible. Social Security disability

requires that you have worked for 20 calendar *quarters* in your life.

That's a total of 5 years, sliced up any way it happens. The actual award

amount ought to be based on your highest full-time salary before disability.

Good luck!