FW: survey

[Guest guest]

*********************************************************************

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to

please everybody.

- Bill Cosby

FW: survey

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to

better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the

following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely

confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you

prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?

___ Newspaper

___ Bible

___ Torah

___ Book of Mormon

___ Koran

___ Divine inspiration

___ Dead Sea Scrolls

___ My mama done tol' me

___ Near-death experience

___ Near-life experience

___ National Public Radio

___ Tabloid

___ Burning shrubbery

___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?

___ YHVH

___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

___ Jehovah

___ Jesus

___ Krishna

___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

___ Allah

___ Satan

___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)

___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)

___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good

working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

___ Yes

___ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.

4. Please indicate all that apply:

___ Not eternal

___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire

universe

___ Not omniscient

___ Not omnipotent

___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things

to all

creations)

___ Permits sex outside of marriage

___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo , Helms)

___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

___ Requires burnt offerings

___ Requires virgin sacrifices

___ Plays dice with the universe

5. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a

Deity? Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents

___ Needed a reason to live

___ Indoctrinated by society

___ Needed focus in whom to despise

___ Imaginary friend grew up

___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense

___ Graduated from the tooth fairy

___ Hate to think for myself

___ Wanted to meet girls/boys

___ Fear of death

___ Wanted to piss off parents

___ Needed a day away from work

___ Desperate need for certainty

___ Like organ music

___ Need to feel morally superior

___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

6. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false

god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Mick Jagger

___ Rajanish

___ Baal

___ The almighty dollar

___ Bill Gates

___ Left-wing liberalism

___ The radical right

___ Ra

___ Beelzebub

___ Barney T.B.P.D. [The Big Purple Dinosaur]

___ The Great Spirit

___ The Great Pumpkin

___ The sun

___ Elvis

___ Crawford

___ The moon

___ TV news

___ Burning shrubbery

___ Other: ________________

7. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in

addition to God? Please check all that apply.

___ Tarot

___ Lottery

___ Astrology

___ Television

___ Fortune cookies

___ Ann Landers

___ Psychic Friends Network

___ Dianetics

___ Palmistry

___ Playboy and/or Playgirl

___ Self-help books

___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll

___ Biorhythms

___ Alcohol

___ Bill Clinton

___ Tea leaves

___ EST

___ CompuServe

___ Mantras

___ Jimmy Swaggert

___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

___ Human sacrifice

___ Pyramids

___ Wandering in a desert

___ Burning shrubbery

___ Barney T.B.P.D.

___ Barney Fife

___ Other:___________

8. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to

preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would

you prefer (circle one)?

a. More divine intervention

b. Less divine intervention

c. Current level of divine intervention is just right

d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?

9. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters

and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the

following:

(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

1 2 3 4 5 spam

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks

1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive

1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for

improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if

necessary.)

**********************************************

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one

of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31 you will be

entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning

are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of

beings entered).