way way way off topic - a little Texan humor ............

[Guest guest]

Dear Diary:

May 30th:

Just moved to Houston...Now this is a city that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the

sunset from a park, lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found

my home. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an

air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see

the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and

rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another

scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to

this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. Getting used to the

heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed

3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to

respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By

the time I got to the hot car for lunch, had died and swollen up to

the size of a shopping bag and stank up my $2,000 leather upholstery. I told

the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I

learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as

hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged

$200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house

payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500

and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the

house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate

this stupid city.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, " Hot enough for you today? " , I'm going to

strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling

over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black

leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers

of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells

like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and

sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the

weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in

this damn desert?? Water rationing will be next. $1700 worth of cactus may

just dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this

damn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 116 today. Forgot to crack the window

and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it

and said, " Hot enough for you today? " My wife had to spend the $1500 house

payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick

demented idiot would want to live here??