An Autism Mom Says God Ruined My Child

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http://autism.about.com/b/2008/09/16/an-autism-mom-says-god-ruined-my-

child.htm

http://autism.about.com/b/2008/09/16/an-autism-mom-says-god-ruined-my-

child.htm

An Autism Mom Says " God Ruined My Child "

Tuesday September 16, 2008

A long time ago, I wrote a blog reflecting on autism and parental

guilt. Just today, I received this comment from a mom named Joan:

" I prayed before I ever had kids that god would give me children that

have no mental or social problems. I believe that god ruined him.

What if the best my child can do is work as a greeter at Wal-mart,

how does one accept your child is doomed, ruined, a waste of human

life? I just am begging someone to help me understand this. "

This, to me, is a really troubling comment. This mom asked for a

trouble-free child, and received a child with autism. As a result,

she is angry with God - and sees her child as " ruined...a waste of

human life. " Of course, this doesn't bode well for the child who will

be raised by a parent who sees her as a waste of life - nor does it

bode well for the mental health of a mother who feels burdened to

this degree.

Joan feels that she made a bargain with God - and that God let her

down by disregarding her prayer for a happy, well-adjusted child. But

there is no such thing as a human being who experiences no pain,

loss, frustration or sorrow. In fact, no matter how fervently we

pray, we can't avoid the bad stuff that comes along with human life.

There are many religious leaders who have addressed this

question " why do bad things happen to good people? " And there are

many answers out there. In the end, though, we all experience bad

things, and we all have the choice of how to come to terms with, cope

with, and even thrive in the face of those bad things.

When I first started out as a the About.com Guide to Autism, I asked

readers to share with me what they loved most about the autistic

person in their lives. More than 150 people responded, and I put

their responses together into a document on this site. Here are just

a couple of those notes - and I think they're a perfect response to

Joan:

Everyone loves Jalen's smile. It is so beautiful, and it can make you

temporarily forget all that's wrong in the world! He also is very

earnest in his art projects — he's now 13, and they are pretty much

preschool/young elementary school type projects — but I appreciate

how good he feels about doing them. I also like the way he's

developed — over the years, he's becoming much more caring. Comment

by Whitfield

What I love about having two autistic sons? Well, plenty. When our

kiddo rode his tricycle for the first time, we went nuts. His first

words at 2 and a half were the best sounds ever. When my youngest

pointed for the first time at 14 months, I went out of my mind! See,

for me, all those little " normal " things, things other parents take

for granted every single day, are the highlights of my life. Would I

trade that for a child who wouldn't have to face the challenges mine

face every day (making eye contact, holding conversations, staying

regulated) well, maybe. But, I wasn't given that choice. I was given

the two most wonderful people I can imagine and I was given the gift

of time with an early diagnosis to help them pull their way out of

the rabbit hole. That's what I love about my autistic kids, they make

me realize the joy in every single little moment, in every single

little action in their life… and mine. -- Comment by Kari

There are scores of responses like these - and I invite Joan and

everyone else reading this blog to read them. Just as importantly, I

invite readers to add their stories to the collection - so that

others, like Joan, can see how a " ruined " child can bring joy to

their own and others' lives.