Intro

August 28, 2001

Hi Mizwho, welcome to this list...your post was very poignant...I could feel

the love for your sister and the challenge of dealing with a mother who has

a different version of history...good for you for the healing you have done

in your life and your sensitivity and depth of understanding your own

issues...your surfacing anger is understandable...with survivors of abuse

anger can often become confused with an underlying emotion that is best

described as righteous indignation...the two emotions can feel the same and

it can often help to sort how much of the feeling is anger and how much is

healthy indignation towards the horrors of abuse...I hope someday you be

able to see your mom, more as someone to be pitied than anything else...she

will likely never understand nor will she likely ever have the capacity to

understand what your childhood has been like for you and your

siblings...sorrow, and anger go hand in hand with the grief process as do

many of the other emotions you have described...as a Hospice volunteer, I

have seen many people grieve, not just the loss of the person who has died,

but also grieve painful life experiences such as sexual abuse, verbal

abuse...they grieve the loss of what might have been, what should have/could

have been and what was...and they grieve their disappointment in people's

behaviors...people they trusted who let them down...it all goes hand in

hand...in my area, our Hospice has bereavement support groups for people

such as yourself as well as one on one counselling...there are also many

good books available on grief as well as recovery from the kind of childhood

you have described...your children are blessed to have you...hugs,

intro

> Hello,

>

> I'm feeling reserved about posting because so much has been

> going on. I have a very busy life but the sorrow has been

> bubbling up.

>

> >From what I can gather, since BPD is new to me, my mom and

> her whole family were/are BPD. My father had alcoholic

> tendencies, was hospitalized several times for nervous

> breakdowns. Anyway, there were 8 of us. Strict Catholic family.

> Grew up in the Philippines mostly, American Dad, high society

> mom, no money. Filipino grandparents were considered saints.

> (They were the MOST controlling people I ever knew- though they

> were both dead before I knew what that was).

>

> Anyway.....we somehow all grew up. Of particular sadness to me

> was the plight of my two younger sisters who I adored. They

> were the family scapegoats and took on the wrath of my mother.

> Lots of physical hazing to the point of blood, lots of humiliation,

> really horrible illegal stuff. It was not a picnic for the rest of us.

> We learned how to shut up and stay out of the way.

>

> A lot of love between us sibs.

>

> Then my sister died last year of cancer. I am now unable to even

> cut the parents a bit of slack. I have a lot of kids myself and it is a

> lot of work, but I've never hit them or humiliated them. I cannot

> see how they could constantly and in everyway cross the line into

> abuse with us, and so easily.

>

> I keep looking at my mother who is currently visiting us and she

> is OBLIVIOUS (or wants to be) about the past-- has generated a

> mythology of how close she was to my late sister. Her culture

> has a big importance on " saving face " .

>

> Oh and there is lots more to the sad and sorry story. There was

> sexual abuse (attempted toward me when I was 18- but I had

> heard about it from cousins years before) and more sexual

> abuse toward my sister and my young cousins., emotional

> abandonment. Really really sad and I feel ashamed of it- though

> I was an innocent child who did not ask to be part of it.

>

> Throughout it all, there was the overiding pride in being a " good

> family " (hahahaha!)

>

> So how did it turn out midway? I'm 44, have a loving husband of

> 17 years, 6 kids who are my pride and joy. I finished college after

> 13 years. Husband understands everything.

>

> I was able to coast along all these years with my little family

> support group. Then my dear sister got cancer and died. She

> was 40 and left 2 little boys and a husband behind. I have been

> haunted by the memories of her being yelled at, hit, and crying.

>

> My mother has cultivated with some success a persona of calm

> and elegance. She does not have any close friends, all

> superficial people. My father died 9 years ago. In spite of his

> faults, he apologized to me on his deathbed for all his failings.

> He was the " bad guy " our whole life.

>

> So this is what is happening to me now. I am remembering with

> clarity so many horrible situations and I am- for the first time-

> angry. Now that my sister is dead, nothing seems worth covering

> up anymore.

>

> When my mother makes " fantasy island " statements, I quietly

> refute them, but it makes my stomach churn and my blood boil,

> but I feel better afterwards.

>

> MizWho

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to

ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for

non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of

contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

August 29, 2001

Hi Mizwho and ,

, your post validated what I experienced 5 years

ago. I lost two brothers, three years apart from each

other. The last one being 5 years ago. I went through

a gammit of grieving. My grief and pain was so intense

- it was HUGE. I wasn't just grieving the pain of

losing a brother - I was definetly grieving my/our

childhood. I could have died myself, that's how strong

those emotions were. However, as difficult as it was

emotionally, it was a major turning point in my life.

Anyway, thanks for sharing that.

Cyndie

--- wrote:

> Hi Mizwho, welcome to this list...your post was very

> poignant...I could feel

> the love for your sister and the challenge of

> dealing with a mother who has

> a different version of history...good for you for

> the healing you have done

> in your life and your sensitivity and depth of

> understanding your own

> issues...your surfacing anger is

> understandable...with survivors of abuse

> anger can often become confused with an underlying

> emotion that is best

> described as righteous indignation...the two

> emotions can feel the same and

> it can often help to sort how much of the feeling is

> anger and how much is

> healthy indignation towards the horrors of abuse...I

> hope someday you be

> able to see your mom, more as someone to be pitied

> than anything else...she

> will likely never understand nor will she likely

> ever have the capacity to

> understand what your childhood has been like for you

> and your

> siblings...sorrow, and anger go hand in hand with

> the grief process as do

> many of the other emotions you have described...as a

> Hospice volunteer, I

> have seen many people grieve, not just the loss of

> the person who has died,

> but also grieve painful life experiences such as

> sexual abuse, verbal

> abuse...they grieve the loss of what might have

> been, what should have/could

> have been and what was...and they grieve their

> disappointment in people's

> behaviors...people they trusted who let them

> down...it all goes hand in

> hand...in my area, our Hospice has bereavement

> support groups for people

> such as yourself as well as one on one

> counselling...there are also many

> good books available on grief as well as recovery

> from the kind of childhood

> you have described...your children are blessed to

> have you...hugs,

> intro

>

> > Hello,

> >

> > I'm feeling reserved about posting because so much

> has been

> > going on. I have a very busy life but the sorrow

> has been

> > bubbling up.

> >

> > >From what I can gather, since BPD is new to me,

> my mom and

> > her whole family were/are BPD. My father had

> alcoholic

> > tendencies, was hospitalized several times for

> nervous

> > breakdowns. Anyway, there were 8 of us. Strict

> Catholic family.

> > Grew up in the Philippines mostly, American Dad,

> high society

> > mom, no money. Filipino grandparents were

> considered saints.

> > (They were the MOST controlling people I ever

> knew- though they

> > were both dead before I knew what that was).

> >

> > Anyway.....we somehow all grew up. Of particular

> sadness to me

> > was the plight of my two younger sisters who I

> adored. They

> > were the family scapegoats and took on the wrath

> of my mother.

> > Lots of physical hazing to the point of blood,

> lots of humiliation,

> > really horrible illegal stuff. It was not a picnic

> for the rest of us.

> > We learned how to shut up and stay out of the way.

> >

> > A lot of love between us sibs.

> >

> > Then my sister died last year of cancer. I am now

> unable to even

> > cut the parents a bit of slack. I have a lot of

> kids myself and it is a

> > lot of work, but I've never hit them or humiliated

> them. I cannot

> > see how they could constantly and in everyway

> cross the line into

> > abuse with us, and so easily.

> >

> > I keep looking at my mother who is currently

> visiting us and she

> > is OBLIVIOUS (or wants to be) about the past-- has

> generated a

> > mythology of how close she was to my late sister.

> Her culture

> > has a big importance on " saving face " .

> >

> > Oh and there is lots more to the sad and sorry

> story. There was

> > sexual abuse (attempted toward me when I was 18-

> but I had

> > heard about it from cousins years before) and more

> sexual

> > abuse toward my sister and my young cousins.,

> emotional

> > abandonment. Really really sad and I feel ashamed

> of it- though

> > I was an innocent child who did not ask to be part

> of it.

> >

> > Throughout it all, there was the overiding pride

> in being a " good

> > family " (hahahaha!)

> >

> > So how did it turn out midway? I'm 44, have a

> loving husband of

> > 17 years, 6 kids who are my pride and joy. I

> finished college after

> > 13 years. Husband understands everything.

> >

> > I was able to coast along all these years with my

> little family

> > support group. Then my dear sister got cancer and

> died. She

> > was 40 and left 2 little boys and a husband

> behind. I have been

> > haunted by the memories of her being yelled at,

> hit, and crying.

> >

> > My mother has cultivated with some success a

> persona of calm

> > and elegance. She does not have any close friends,

> all

> > superficial people. My father died 9 years ago. In

> spite of his

> > faults, he apologized to me on his deathbed for

> all his failings.

> > He was the " bad guy " our whole life.

> >

> > So this is what is happening to me now. I am

> remembering with

> > clarity so many horrible situations and I am- for

> the first time-

> > angry. Now that my sister is dead, nothing seems

> worth covering

> > up anymore.

> >

> > When my mother makes " fantasy island " statements,

> I quietly

> > refute them, but it makes my stomach churn and my

> blood boil,

> > but I feel better afterwards.

> >

> > MizWho

> >

> > To get off the list, send a blank message to

> ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions

> & concerns to

> ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on

> Eggshells, " a primer for

> non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL

> (). For the table of

> contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

> >

August 29, 2001

Hi Mizwho,

Welcome. I'm very sorry about your loss- my own beloved sister passed away

from cancer - at 41: 3 summers ago. I too have all the memories of how

horribly she was treated growing up- how dutiful she was in search of

crumbs of their " love " or acceptance. My mother sounds like she looks in

the same mirror as your own mother. Same- no close friends...glorified

persona. Sad to hear of your father's passing- he did validate your

feelings growing up by apologizing...I'm sure these words strengthened your

soul. My own father has suffered greatly- depression- NPA, now (my

therapist says) psychotic... My mother is dying of cancer and I'm afraid

for him. They both have split me & my husband (who they've almost always

devalued) and their grandchildren. In a letter they disowned me & all

inheritance unless I admit " MY DYSFUNCTIONALISM " & leave the family I love

to go back to them as a child again (they have gotten more insane- classic

projection)

" Now that my sister is dead, nothing seems worth covering up anymore "

In my head, I've told my parents exactly how I feel- how deeply they hurt

my sister, how terribly they treated her when she spent time with them so

ill, how they never were capable of showing her love- how inhumane they

were for speaking they were better off without her after she was gone. I

forced them to go to her when she was dying- I witnessed first hand their

incapacity to love.

I know that confronting them is TOTALLY useless- they will only project

their rage back onto me. They have chosen not to seek help after years of

my pleads... I only know that I can pray for a higher authority to reach

them because it is them and not I who are destroying the ends of their

lives.

I wish you strength in the memories of your sister. Now, more than ever, I

know I must take care of myself-

Ellen >>

>>

>> To get off the list, send a blank message to

>ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to

>ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for

>non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of

>contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>>

August 29, 2001