You Know You're From Australia When...

[Guest guest]

You Know You're From Australia When...

Your next door neighbours can be from Tunisia, Israel, Indonesia, Japan,

Zimbabwe, Iraq, Brazil, Spain, Malaysia...

The Greeks and Mexicans next door ask you over to have a barbeque.

You don't actually use the words 'sheila' or 'shrimp'.

You sleep with Aeroguard on.

You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil

on bread and actually grow to like it.

You actively dislike Americans, but watch their TV, eat their food and worship

their idols.

You think Tall Poppy Syndrome is a national condition.

Democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of .

Your idea of a lethal weapon is a slug gun.

The closest you ever got to going overseas was your packet of 5 Days In Rio

grundies (underpants).

A posh meal = an all-you-can-eat buffet.

The term " musical instrument " also extends to wobbly bits of ply-wood, hand

saws, gum leafs and combs.

Your most offensive curse also doubles as an exclamation of awe or amazement,

like, " fark orf! "

All of your internationally famous people don't live here.

You think footballers dressing up in drag on TV is funny (but your son being gay

isn't).

You relish test cricket - the longest, slowest game in sport (and that's not

even counting the replays). After all, what else gives you an excuse to sit on

your arse for five days, watch TV and sink piss (drink beer) with your mates?

You don't drink s, but you let the world think you do.

The only thing better than beating the Pohms at ANY sport is giving them shit

for it.

You love, adore and admire a particular team/sportstar/actor on a winning streak

- until they lose. Then they're just crap and 'past it.'

You can compress several words into one - ie 'g'day', 'd'reckn?' This allows for

more space for profanities.

You favour either Holden or Ford - or a souped-up WRX with new kit and a bootful

of subwoofer.

Driving down the main street/beach road playing bad techno is your idea of a

perfect Saturday night / Sunday arvo.

You make kooky films, sometimes about wayward road trips (across the outback

preferably). Quite a few are crap.

You know all the words to Khe Sahn but not the national anthem.

Your nickname ends in 'a' or 'o'.

You have a customised stubby holder.

Your soap stars become pop singers and move to the UK.

You've ever used the words - grouse, tops, ripper, choice, sick, rad, exo, ace,

wicked, ballistic - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it

when you really mean it.

Your cooking apron has plastic breasts on it.

The " Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi oi oi! " chant has been a religious experience in

the past.

The blokes at the local gym think your weight training is an opportunity to ask

you out on a date.

The big national sporting events are men-only.

Your politicians believe than sticking the prefix 'un' in front of your

nationality is an effective way of making you sit down and shut up.

Our mantras are 'fair go for all', 'mateship' and 'little Aussie battler' - but

we still publicly condemn those with different viewpoints to us.

The barbeque is a male-dominated arena. And the women do the salads.

An eight-hour trip to go camping for the weekend isn't out of the question or

excessive.

You take pride in living in a tolerant multicultural society but firmly believe

that all Poms and Kiwis are fair game.

You insist on asking every celebrity who steps of an aircraft what they think of

Australia. If the response is not overwhelmingly positive, they should be

subjected to immediate public ridicule.

The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local

and national news stories.

Slick pick-up lines like 'Wanna shag?' and 'Carn, show us yer tits' can

constitute male-to-female conversation.

You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

You realise you have no Bill of Rights.

The first thing guaranteed to get eaten at parties is fairy bread.

So that's the special ingredients that make up an Aussie - whatever your taste.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Austrailia.