RE: [SPAM] such a rough night and a grade of f in parenting

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I'm new to the whole OCD situation. I could relate relate to your feelings

as a mom though. I've struggled for the last couple months since this all

started, thinking that I should be able to fix this. I love my daughter with

all my heart - plus some! We are also two peas in a pod and very close.

I'm a single mother and she is very demanding of me. I am also part of her

ritual of seeking constant reassurance from me. Tonight was a hell of a

night as she is coming down with a virus and she is very sure it must be

meningitis or cancer or worse. She actually broke out in hives tonight

because of the anxiety of it all. She has also had many intrusive thoughts

of throwing up blood. At one point when she got the chills, she was sure

she was going to have a stroke.

No matter how much I love her, I can't change or fix this for her though.

That is a very strong pill to swallow!

What I have learned from these lovely people on this board is that it is

okay to be angry and hurt and sad. I just have to do my best to make sure

she knows those feelings are towards OCD, and not her.

Feeling the feelings that I do does not make me a bad mom. Nor does it make

me a bad mom because I can't fix this. The best I can do is to be sure to

take care of myself and not let this rule our lives - to the best of my

ability during each situation that arises.

I'm glad you posted. The people here can help you stay uplifted. They sure

do help me as a newcomer to this whole situation. Just the fact that others

out there know what I go through, and how I feel takes away a lot of my

fears and doubts about my mothering. We don't have to do this alone.

Keeping you in my thoughts, and sending you vibes of peace :-)

_____

From:

[mailto: ] On Behalf Of tupeasinapodmama

Sent: Sunday, October 26, 2008 10:07 PM

To:

Subject: [sPAM] such a rough night and a grade of " f " in

parenting

hi. i've been on this message board for a few weeks but have not

had time to post. after tonight, though, i really needed to post.

i'm sorry this is so long...perhaps you'll want to skip it and move

on. i've just been holding this in for so long.

i have a 6 year old daughter. middle child. love this girl like

crazy. but i look at what i am as a mother tonight, and it is just

not what i want to be.

when my girl was 3 1/2 we started to see what we thought was

cute " quirkiness " . she was much more orderly and routine-oriented

than my first, no-holds-barred, child. we welcomed this as part of

her unique personality.

she was so bright. started early reading at 2 and was reading much

longer passages--mostly self-taught--when she was 3. such a smart,

joyful baby and child.

we were so attached to each other. it was very hard for her to

leave to go to preschool. every time. pre-k four came, and it was

still harder. every. single. time. yet she didn't run into my

arms when i picked her up. she'd be agitated or angry.

she was always the last one out of the classroom. getting things

out of her cubby and into her backpack in the way that she wanted

took a long time.

leaving for kindergarten was difficult, too. she'd scream and throw

a wild fit every morning about getting her clothes on. the seam in

her sock, the right socks, the right undershorts for her uniform.

many mornings, she kicked and screamed all the way there (30

minutes). she'd finally get situated and apologize and ask if i

still loved her. then we'd have to get into the classroom.

my love took dancing when she was four--at her own suggestion. but

we had a difficult time getting those tap shoes on every single

time. the tights, the leotard? ugh!

we went to disney the summer before kindergarten started. she loved

disney princesses and was so excited to go. but every morning, she

threw a wild, stinking fit about clothes. i don't mean she wouldn't

wear a cutesy outfit that i brought, i mean she wouldn't wear

anything that i brought. she was so excited to see the princesses,

yet every picture that we took with them showed an angry, sad little

girl. it was heart-breaking.

you'd think that we would have figured things out

sooner...especially given the fact that her daddy and i have both

struggled with ocd at different times in our lives (what are the

odds of that happening?) but ours did not manifest itself this

way.

and, as difficult as every day was becoming, we so hoped that we

were almost to the end of this phase...you know, the sun would come

out tomorrow...and our sweetness and light would return. it was

very hard to even say the words, " i think this might not be a

phase. i think that something else it going on. what if something

is really wrong? "

i finally, by chance, picked up a book called the highly sensitive

child. i thought that was the answer. it was so her. i thought

that we were nearing the solution. i started researching. talked

to another mom of a child with sensory integration disorder. took

my love to be tested. but they said, nope, this wasn't it. maybe

depression.

our pediatrician rec. a general psychologist. i really didn't think

this was the answer and didn't take her there. did take her to a

chiropractor, though. i was thinking maybe it was a yeast

overgrowth. maybe there was something physical...she had had a lot

of antibiotics and yeast infections, really bad breath associated

with yeast overgrowth.

took those little drops and lots of supplements, which i'm certain,

made her healthier. that's a great start. and her tantrums did

calm down. but it was summer, and i let her wear her pjs when she

couldn't find anything that felt right.

saw an herbalist who gave us many of the same supplements and said

that she could tell she was stressed.

Saw our pedi again who saw her in a full-blown tantrum over the

strep-test and seemed to actually take me seriously for the first

time when i said that i thought something was wrong. she rec. a

pediatric neurologist.

saw the pediatric neurologist who diagnosed her with ocd and said

that he didn't know of anyone in our area who did cog beh therapy

with children younger than 8. strongly rec. medication. i strongly

said no (i mean, i'm just getting used to the idea of ocd, let's try

another treatment first!)

called around, found oc foundation through a book called freeing

your child from ocd and now have our first appointment with a social

worker who does cog beh therapy with ocd children younger than 8.

two days and counting.

i know that she's struggling with this. but there is nothing that

is simple in our life right now. getting dressed to go anywhere is

difficult. she cannot go into the bathroom by herself. my 6 year

old has been having accidents because she will not go to the

bathroom by herself, and sometimes i just can't go right that

minute. she won't go into another room...even to get something and

come right back...without me.

bugs are a big fear for her, and she has stopped sleeping in her

small bed...which was already in our room...because it's too close

to the floor, and something might get her. she sleeps in our bed

every night. she has completely stopped wearing underwear...did

have 4 pairs that she liked, but now even those won't work. tonight

she couldn't even wear the same shorts that she's been wearing. so

i know that when we get up to go to school in the morning and she

has to put shorts on under her uniform, she will have another melt

down. but i absolutely cannot send her to school with no underwear

and no shorts.

tonight we spent 2 hours trying to get her into some kind of

clothing to go to church. major, major melt-down. i hear myself

yelling, " Just put something on! " and crying and know that this is

not the mommy that i want to be. i love this girl with every ounce

of my being. but it is not enough. my love is not enough to fix

what is bothering her. and it is not enough to convince her of how

much i love her.

i am absolutely worn out from her demanding my attention every

single moment and me still having to take care of my toddler and my

12 year old. still have to feed all of them, take care of school

work, etc., trying to pay bills, run errands, take care of it all.

my husband works 7 on, 7 off and is just gone so much of the time.

i'm tired. no one is getting enough of me. yet, who would want any

of what is left of me?

i want to be the patient, loving mom that i see myself as, but that

mom can move mountains with her love. her love is a cure-all for

her baby girl. mine is not enough. and i feel like just that. not

enough.

ugh. thanks for listening. i've been carrying this for a long

time. i want everyone to see the best in my sweet girl. this is

not the best. i can't tell anyone else.

thanks...