Re: Sharing my fear...

[Guest guest]

Hi Mike!

 

I loved the honesty and openness of your post.  You are incredibly brave to have

shared all that and obviously ready to change like everyone here.  

 

I also found that I really relate to much of what you said, and I bet alot of

others did too but its hard to be so honest and open.  I've found myself doing

the same things, saying to myself " never will I want something so bad again that

I let myself become that person.  never will i gamble like that again " .  I cant

tell you how much I relate to that, and for a similar reason, guy/girl stuff. 

 

s podcasts are AMAZING and many people will attest to the fact that they

help not only with food issues but so much more.

 

I was listening to her podcast about finding the positive intent behind

overeating, and for me its a few things - energy is one,I'm addicted to sugar

for the high.  But also its because eating silences the endless rumination of

thought/feelings that feel so uncontrollable.  So after finding the positive

intent I started looking into biological reasons my energy might be low or my

ability to put the past behind me might be less than what others have.  And I

found (and I've recommended on this site before) The Mood Cure, Depression-Free

Naturally, and others.  Well one of the suggestions in those books is check your

thyroid, because people who are hypo have low energy and are prone to depression

(which is what the rumination of thought is to me). 

 

I got on thyroid medication a couple months ago and betwee s podcasts for

pscychological support and thyroid hormone for energy/depression relief I havent

felt compelled to binge.

 

So incredibly worth it to check it out and investigate!

 

Look forward to more of your posts.

 

Subject: Sharing my fear...

To: insideoutweightloss

Date: Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 12:04 AM

Greetings,

Some time ago, while reviewing the timeline of my life, I noticed two

places where the energy became dark. One was the death of my father

at an early ago. The other was a set of experiences somewhat later

in life. This message is the sharing of the second dark period. My

intention in sharing this is both selfish and service. It is selfish

because in sharing, the darkness moves towards light. In service,

because perhaps in some way, some how, it can be helpful to some of

us.

Inspired by a conversation with two healers, I went to see Journey to

the Center of the Earth in 3D. What an amazing ride through the

subconscious mind it was. So many parallels with " reality " . One of

the most interesting scenes was when the 3 explorers (the initiator,

the child, and the guide) built a raft and cast off into the choppy

waters. As they got deeper into the ocean, the waters became

dangerous. And if that wasn't enough for a jarring ride, deadly fish

began to jump out of the water in huge numbers to attack our heros.

Things were getting tense on the raft. And just as circumstances

were about to get deadly, out from the very depths of the water came

to the surface a school of friendly dragons.... they ate the deadly

fish and our hero's were safe to continue on their path and adventure.

Coincidence?

Synchronicity.

Just the day before, I had drawn a self portrait which resembled that

scene very closely.

I know that something important is happening right now because I am

triggered, and charged, and my mind is creating rationalities for not

going deeper.

Though I need to go the center, to touch the fire and return with the

diamonds.

I was asked to be specific, because I tend to live in the

abstract.

Let me come into my body, identity and story now to be specific about

one of my wounds, from which (I sense) stem distrust (of myself

first, others second) and my tendency to live in the " higher "

chakras. When we checked in with our Chakras during our call, I

noticed that my root chakra feels knotted. Moving up the feeling

becomes incrementally better. I've identified this as one of two

places on my timeline that goes dark with pain. I feel resistance

about it, and what that creates (thoughts about why I shouldn't go

here, etc.) It is because of this, I'll speak to it. To go straight

into what may be the heart of it (although it may be a manifestation

of something else, ad infinitum)

I'll do my best now to speak what wants to be spoken, so that it

may " breathe " . Putting fear and rationalities and everything else

aside, here's my (concise) story:

In my youth, at about 19 years old, I manifested an STD called HPV.

I was very confused about it and did not know what to do. Most

importantly, I didn't know how to talk about it with my partners. So

I didn't talk about it, while I continued to engage sexually. For a

couple of years this continued, and life was unfolding more or

less " normally " . Something was very wrong though.

One day I met a woman I was to fall in love and move in with. We

connected sexually, and I still didn't know how to talk about the STD

I was walking around with. Inside emotions were brewing and growing

and coming to the surface. I remember finally coming to the place of

absolutely needing to tell the truth, and I was very scared to do

it. I wronged her deeply, and some partners before, in a way that's

really really bad. And, what would she do when I tell her? The fear

was tremendous. The quiet was cowardice. The scene was despicable.

At the end of the summer, on a stoop step, I told Laurel the truth.

This was 1995.

She didn't leave. We remained connected, and in a few months we

moved in together. We stayed together for 3 years, during which time

our connection began to gradually die. I changed tremendously during

this time, from a bright eyed high energy boy who was coming off a

somewhat rebellious adolescent trip, into a guilted, very shamed and

broken young man. And then she left. I subconsciously created the

circumstances to faciltiate it. They involved pornography, her

ultimatum and my non-compliance.

The breakup was very painful. I found myself on my knees crying,

begging Laurel to come home. I found myself passing out and losing

consciousness. I found myself in place of pain and anger and

confusion and shame and guilt and hurt and uugggghhhhhhh unlike

anything I've experienced before.

In November 1998, for the first time in my life, I found myself quite

alone and at a major cross roads. For the first time ever, it seems,

I was at the question of " Who am I? What did I do? Why did I do

it? Why am I here? Who am I? What do I want to do now? " I've

asked those questions before as a philosphical game, though now it

was 3D and felt very " real " . Everything in my world crumbled to

pieces, especially my sense of self.

My physical survival demanded that I make some quick decisions and

act on them. With a world of angry energy fueling my motions, I

began to work in ways I've never worked before. I've decided to

get " professional " . I've decided to leave all of my reference points

and go someplace I've never been before: San Francisco. I've decided

to never find myself on my knees crying and begging for my lover to

stay, or for anything else, ever. I've decided, subconsciously it

seems, to never connect with lovers again. This decision would

radiate out to friendships and other relations too.

My mistrust, I think, comes from mistrusting myself because of my

actions.

It's 10 years later, and I'm well into my second virginity.

I've learned how to physically survive. I've asked and answered " Who

am I? Why am I here? What do I want to do now? " many times.

I've forgiven myself, and everyone, for everything.

And still, I do not allow myself to get close.

In these 10 years, I've made out with two women. Both times I became

physically and emotionally sick the next day.

I've connected briefly with Laurel about 4 years ago through email,

and a tremendous upwelling of painful emotion flooded my body and

mind for what seemed like weeks.

My desires and appetites are healthy, I think. My ability to allow

myself to express them is.... knotted.

I seem to keep punishing myself. My food choices and the realities

they create in my body are one aspect of it. I know about nutrition

and cause and effect. If I really wanted to, I could certainly

rebuild my body into the archetype of a verile God.

I am very afraid to do so, even though I consciouslly have already

chosen it. I have also consciously chosen to do many useful things,

which I do not follow through with. These choices if acted and

followed through on would necessarily result in awesome outcomes.

But then those outcomes would mean that I'd be feeling amazing,

creating amazing, being amazing and looking amazing. Deep inside, I

feel like I have it wired that if things get too amazing, which I

know they certainly would, the risk becomes too great.

My inner dragon pops up to save me with " Safety first, cuz I love

you. "

I know that from this mud will blossom a very auspicious and

beautiful lotus.

And yet, here it is, my mud.

Whew,

Mike

[Guest guest]

Wow Mike,

I must admit that that was very great of you to be so open about the

situations you have gone through.

Though now you're an adult, it seems that you are making trememdous

progress.

Emotions and the mind seem to grip us and control us. My input in this,

I recommend reading " The Power of Now " and " A New Earth " . The two will

help you tremendously in dealing with the past and the future. It

certainly has for me and makes 's podcasts much more

understandable.

Step one, admit the problem. Great job on that.

Stay positive and be present!

- Jess

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for the wonderful thoughts and kind energy you've

shared around this message. It's interesting to notice how

vulnerability and truth feel really good.... and scary. It helps a

lot to know that we're in community and each of us is working towards

facing our own truths, whatever they may be, to realign ourselves

from the inside out, to create a much more awesome experience in this

body, on this planet, right now.

, yes, I definitely agree that 's Podcasts are AMAZING!

is helping us get to the root of our weight imbalances, because

the weight is a symptom. The eating patterns are a symptom. And

more and more we're learning how to be with the root and work our

changes there. Thank you for sharing the recommendation about the

Mood Cure, I will read it!

Anne, thank you for the suggestion to find compassion and love for my

inner child. You are right, the past many years have created a

wealth of learning, and more is on it's way.

>> If you were to know, what would you find out if your mind

did " allow you to go deeper " ?

I would know that I am not my body, my mind, my story, my experience,

my fears, my shame, my anger, my humor, my love, my light, my shadow,

my sex, my dishes, my awesome car, my art, my anything. Although I

am in it. Self forgiveness, self acceptance, self responsibility,

self compassion, self Love. I fell, hard. It's okay. Stand up.

Choose again.

:-)

Jess, thank you very much for sharing your kind thoughts and book

recommendations. Learning to stay present is something I'm focusing

on, and the more I practice, the better things become.

Even though there are clearly shadow aspects at work within me, I am

glad to have the perspective of owning and appreciating it, rather

than want to suppress it. It's a heck of a roller coaster, and I've

got a season pass.

I wish you all prosperous bounties through the inner journeys we're

already deep inside.

Cheers,

Mike