Re: Re: Angry @ OCD

[Guest guest]

Personally, I think an 18 year old at college who is paralyzed from OCD and

isn't able to function at all is much too young to be told he has to make it on

his own and can't come home if he won't get help.  When we love our kids, we

may need to give them time and establish the kind of relationship and trust to

help them reach a place of being able to handle getting help.  Would you want

your son on the streets terribly mentally ill at 18?  Particularly if he were

feeling hopeless and helpless?

Re: Angry @ OCD

I totally understand your anger at OCD. There's been many a time I've

told our son I wish I could rip it out of his mind and stomp it into

the ground. Fortunately, we both laugh about it.

The only thing I can share, Tim, is my experience with a husband who

was drinking alcoholically and self medicating his OCD. Being a

recovering alcoholic of 22 years, I knew when his drinking got out of

control, and he was even hiding it (obviously not well -lol), that I

could ask him to stop, but that he needed to WANT it, in order for it

to work. I think it is same with OCD. They need to WANT it, or they

won't do the work necessary to get well.

When they are young, they listen to their parents and cooperate

better, but when they are older, and being rebellious for the sake of

being rebellious, they sometimes just flat out will not listen. Even

if it will benefit them, and is for their own good. Our son is 16,

and a good kid, but he has his moments of that.

What I found worked with my husband is, I couldn't force him, but I

could give him incentives. I laid the law down, giving him choices.

He could either go into treatment, get sober, and go on medication for

his anger and OCD, or pack his stuff and leave. The problem is, you

have to mean it (whatever alternative option you give them).

Hopefully, they will choose right, or will figure it out quickly, if

they don't. My husband, fortunately, chose his family.

Tough love is tough all around, hurting all involved.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

>

> I'm the one that posted that has the 18 yr old in college, he will

> not go the dentist, I found out he is not going to school, I talk to

> him and he won't talk about his OCD, he just tells me nothing will

> help his OCD He refuses to take advantage of medicine and or therapy

> because he knows they will not work.

>

> I ask him why he thinks his OCD is different that all the other

> people with COD who found treatment that works.

>

> So my question is not really about my son not wanting help, it's

> about the pent up anger that I feel toward my son and his OCD, I just

> get so damn frustrated, I could snap and spit some really bad stuff

> out, I would make Carlin look like a saint. I haven't done

> it, but damn I've come close, I just get so frustrated.

>

> What do you all do as parents to help with your frustrations and

> anger???

>

> I went to a counselor and I know anger will not help and I'm

> comfortable in my decision concerning my son, I've provided him many

> many opportunities and he has reject each and every one of them.

> It's time for him to seek or make his own opportunities and make his

> own choices.

>

> I'm still angry at the entire situation

>

> Kindest regards

> Tim Wahl

>

[Guest guest]

Tim,

I urge you to write this down and address it to the psychologists on this

board.  In the subject area, write:  Ask Drs. Chansky and Wagner.  They are

wonderful and may have some excellent recommendations for you.

My heart is breaking for you because I can feel your heartache for your son. 

What is obvious through your posts is the incredible love yet despair that you

feel.  I don't have any advice for you, but these doctors may have one

suggestion or one idea that you could implement.

Kindest Regards,

in TN

Subject: Re: Angry @ OCD

To:

Date: Wednesday, October 29, 2008, 12:56 AM

I do appreciate your story and I understand living with OCD is hard,

I've seen it, I live it too, I'm coming to realize after joining the

OCD support group that I probably OCD as well, I know my mom has it.

What I'm telling you is I can't help this kid because he doesn't want

ANY help, he thinks nothing will help. I'm not going to bring that

into my house, I'm not going to support him living in a cave hiding

from his problems. I've given him more oppurunites than most kids

have in life, I'm tired and I'm worn out, I can't help someone that

doesn't want help, there just is nothing more I can do. You don't

understand I get nothing from him but the statement, Nothing can help

me dad and I don't want to talk about it.

He was raised by his mother, I got him on weekends, his mother will

not allow him back in her house, she kicked him out several weeks

before his 18th birthday this summer and he's on his own as far as

she is concerned, thats what her parents did and thats what she

thinks is right thing to do, he wasn't happy there anyway because

they wanted him to do stuff to help around the house and this kid

doesn't want to do anything but play video games, video games are his

life.

When he went to school I wasn't going to let him have internet, then

I found he needed a class that was only available online, so I backed

down and let him have it, I'm afraid that was probably a mistake as

he just OCD's on the games and plays for hours and hours.

I'll email you privately his phone #, at this point it sure can't

hurt.

You may not agree with me and I'm sorry about, I'm doing the best I

can and I don't think hiding him in a cave at home is the answer.

I've given him many oppurunites, he fails to take advantage of them,

Car, Dentist, Doctors, Medicine, School, functions and events with

family and on and on.

I understand he is a Kid, but at 18 you can no longer control them,

they are adults, I can no longer make this kid do anything, he

doesn't want to do anything but hide from the world, he won't go out

in public, he has hair in the front totally covering his face, I

think from what I can gather it's to hide from the world or to hide

his pimples from the public, I don't know because he won't talk to me

or anyone about his OCD, again because NOTHING WILL HELP HIM so he

thinks and says over and over and over

I can't help him out at school because he won't sign a form, so they

won't talk to me, his Psyc teacher is a licensed counselor, I was

going to ask if she could help him with a few sessions, but she will

not talk to me without the proper form because of the privacy act.

Everything I do it tossed back in my face and not used, after awhile

you get tired of helping, I'm sorry if you feel I'm wrong, while I

respect your position and experience I hope you will also respect

mine.

Peace and thanks

Tim Wahl

>

> The problem we have when getting a post like this is that we don't

know the whole situation to be able to best guide you.  Did you and

your son ever have a close relationship?  Are there issues that may

make him uncomfortable opening up to you?  You have mentioned that

you are divorced.  Were you the custodial parent?  I have thought

about your son often ever since your first one because I have

tremendous empathy for him and am actually worrying about him, a

young man hurting so badly and so alone.  An 18 year old nowadays is

still a kid.  An 18 year old with severe OCD is a very vulnerable,

depressed, kid who is struggling so hard to hang on that he is not

capable of taking care of himself properly.  I was such a kid.  As

I have written to you before, I would be very happy to call your son

to try to help him to see that getting help is not as scary as he

thinks it would be.  I do understand how absolutely terrified he is

of getting help and how absolutely sure he is that it wouldn't help.

>

>