Re: Parenting 101, when is it cause for concern?

[Guest guest]

Who says we have to smile all the time? lol

I'm learning that when I am feeling way overloaded I need to communicate this to

my daughter (11). It's something I got away from and am working on getting back

in the habit of.  I'm pretty blunt with her and just tell to " check it out, I'm

on the edge here of losing it and you need to know I really need your

cooperation right now. "   It doesn't always work of course. She's a mouthy little

thing lately.  If anything, once I've told her that and she continues, I don't

feel so damn bad when I do snap. lol Hell, I warned her!

Seriously though, it's getting better around here because of communication. I

was getting to be a real screamer there for a bit. Not only was it unproductive,

I hated myself for it.  It's getting better if I talk to her about how I'm

feeling before I get to that point.  I also put myself on " time outs " . lol It's

a good way for me to escape to the bedroom and close the door for a bit.

________________________________

To:

Sent: Saturday, January 10, 2009 7:21:33 AM

Subject: Re: Parenting 101, when is it cause for concern?

This slightly 'off-topic' conversation has brought up so many

touchstones that we have as a group. It is comforting and validating

to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am so ostracized in my

house for my 'anger' issues and both my kids and my husband are always

blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize that it is their

behaviours that kick it off. In my case, my husband is completely

hands off in regards to managing any aspect of the kids lives.

Occassionally he will take them skiing, or watch a football game with

them, but when it comes to the demanding tasks, he's nowhere to be

found. He still, after 4 years, knows nothing about OCD and has never

tried learning. He has gone to maybe a total of 3 shrink

appointments. Regarding my OCD son who is doing well this month he

said " I told you he would grow out of it! " Oh yeah, it just

mysteriously goes away.... it has nothing to do with 4 years of

tweaking meds, CBT, and countless Dr. visits. Yes, I'm going to unravel.

Yesterday, after the 'forgetting' incident with my 11 year old son, he

told me that he mentioned my 'anger' issues to a friend of his at

school and that he thinks I am nice about 75% of the time, and angry

about 25% of the time. Not true, of course, but I'm waiting for that

phone call from the Office for Children once his friend spreads the word.

I think you guys 'get' that when there is one primary caregiver (even

if there are 2 adults in the house), when there are serious mental

health issues to manage on top of everything else, there is a breaking

point. I know this topic has been brought up before, and some people

cry in the shower, some people leave the room, and others catch

themselves in time. But how much can we take and keep smiling all the

time? I think it is an unrealistic expectation and suppression will

only result in our own breakdowns.

[Guest guest]

Very insightful and very well put, Barb!

BJ

> >

> > This slightly 'off-topic' conversation has brought up so many

> > touchstones that we have as a group. It is comforting and

> validating

> > to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am so ostracized in my

> > house for my 'anger' issues and both my kids and my husband are

> always

> > blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize that it is their

> > behaviours that kick it off. In my case, my husband is completely

> > hands off in regards to managing any aspect of the kids lives.

> > Occassionally he will take them skiing, or watch a football game

> with

> > them, but when it comes to the demanding tasks, he's nowhere to be

> > found. He still, after 4 years, knows nothing about OCD and has

> never

> > tried learning. He has gone to maybe a total of 3 shrink

> > appointments. Regarding my OCD son who is doing well this month he

> > said " I told you he would grow out of it! " Oh yeah, it just

> > mysteriously goes away.... it has nothing to do with 4 years of

> > tweaking meds, CBT, and countless Dr. visits. Yes, I'm going to

> unravel.

> >

> > Yesterday, after the 'forgetting' incident with my 11 year old son,

> he

> > told me that he mentioned my 'anger' issues to a friend of his at

> > school and that he thinks I am nice about 75% of the time, and angry

> > about 25% of the time. Not true, of course, but I'm waiting for

> that

> > phone call from the Office for Children once his friend spreads the

> word.

> >

> > I think you guys 'get' that when there is one primary caregiver

> (even

> > if there are 2 adults in the house), when there are serious mental

> > health issues to manage on top of everything else, there is a

> breaking

> > point. I know this topic has been brought up before, and some

> people

> > cry in the shower, some people leave the room, and others catch

> > themselves in time. But how much can we take and keep smiling all

> the

> > time? I think it is an unrealistic expectation and suppression will

> > only result in our own breakdowns.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I, too, want to thank you for choosing to take the time

to put that into words for us, Barb. Like BJ, I also found it insightful.

Marcia

>

> Subject: Re: Parenting 101, when is it cause for concern?

> To:

> Date: Saturday, January 10, 2009, 2:29 PM

> Very insightful and very well put, Barb!

>

> BJ

>

>

> > >

> > > This slightly 'off-topic' conversation

> has brought up so many

> > > touchstones that we have as a group. It is

> comforting and

> > validating

> > > to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am

> so ostracized in my

> > > house for my 'anger' issues and both my

> kids and my husband are

> > always

> > > blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize

> that it is their

> > > behaviours that kick it off. In my case, my

> husband is completely

> > > hands off in regards to managing any aspect of

> the kids lives.

> > > Occassionally he will take them skiing, or watch

> a football game

> > with

> > > them, but when it comes to the demanding tasks,

> he's nowhere to be

> > > found. He still, after 4 years, knows nothing

> about OCD and has

> > never

> > > tried learning. He has gone to maybe a total of

> 3 shrink

> > > appointments. Regarding my OCD son who is doing

> well this month he

> > > said " I told you he would grow out of

> it! " Oh yeah, it just

> > > mysteriously goes away.... it has nothing to do

> with 4 years of

> > > tweaking meds, CBT, and countless Dr. visits.

> Yes, I'm going to

> > unravel.

> > >

> > > Yesterday, after the 'forgetting'

> incident with my 11 year old son,

> > he

> > > told me that he mentioned my 'anger'

> issues to a friend of his at

> > > school and that he thinks I am nice about 75% of

> the time, and angry

> > > about 25% of the time. Not true, of course, but

> I'm waiting for

> > that

> > > phone call from the Office for Children once his

> friend spreads the

> > word.

> > >

> > > I think you guys 'get' that when there is

> one primary caregiver

> > (even

> > > if there are 2 adults in the house), when there

> are serious mental

> > > health issues to manage on top of everything

> else, there is a

> > breaking

> > > point. I know this topic has been brought up

> before, and some

> > people

> > > cry in the shower, some people leave the room,

> and others catch

> > > themselves in time. But how much can we take and

> keep smiling all

> > the

> > > time? I think it is an unrealistic expectation

> and suppression will

> > > only result in our own breakdowns.

> > >

> >

[Guest guest]

I also eventually told my kids that they had to leave me alone the

first 30 min I got home from work. Meaning, I didn't want to

be " hit " with questions, complaints or anything when I walked through

the door. Besides " hi mom " etc. I just need that time to unwind and

be more capable to " sanely " handle anything. I also smoke, so when I

go out on the back porch I don't want to be interrupted with

questions, complaints either, a bit more of a " time out " for me.

Taking a book into the bathroom with me (some days there are more

trips there than others, LOL). Or stopping all housework/other stuff

at 8pm helped too, though back when I was so involved with 's

homework, 8:00 was often when we began that. It's nice now though

(kids grown past homework help) to have that 8:00-on time.

>

> Who says we have to smile all the time? lol

>

> I'm learning that when I am feeling way overloaded I need to

communicate this to my daughter (11). It's something I got away from

and am working on getting back in the habit of.  I'm pretty blunt

with her and just tell to " check it out, I'm on the edge here of

[Guest guest]

Barb, your thoughtful words ring true. I realize that this disorder

that sucks life is going to touch on all family aspects. The question

about how strong the marriage foundation is, is key. I have had so

many heart to hearts with my husband about getting more involved in

family matters. I just think he has serious limitations in regards to

being able to do it. He works very hard at his job, and has a level

of success with it. He behaves as though that is his contribution to

the family (it is), he is holding his weight, and that much of the

rest of his off time is for him. I honestly don't think that will

ever change. He is emotionally immature (or non-evolved as the

therapist says) and I believe, unable to understand that he should be

there for his family in ways other than monetary. It's sad. He is a

good person, but he simply can't supply emotional support and he has

no empathy whatsoever, except to animals. For awhile I thought maybe

he had aspergers, but the therapist doesn't think so. All I have to

do is decide whether or not I can continue living with this type of

person. With my son's anxieties around separation and loss, I keep

thinking that a divorce would be worse for my kids than us staying

together.

My name is , by the way. After all this personal talk, I should

at least disclose my name .

> >

> > This slightly 'off-topic' conversation has brought up so many

> > touchstones that we have as a group. It is comforting and

> validating

> > to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am so ostracized in my

> > house for my 'anger' issues and both my kids and my husband are

> always

> > blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize that it is their

> > behaviours that kick it off. In my case, my husband is completely

> > hands off in regards to managing any aspect of the kids lives.

> > Occassionally he will take them skiing, or watch a football game

> with

> > them, but when it comes to the demanding tasks, he's nowhere to be

> > found. He still, after 4 years, knows nothing about OCD and has

> never

> > tried learning. He has gone to maybe a total of 3 shrink

> > appointments. Regarding my OCD son who is doing well this month he

> > said " I told you he would grow out of it! " Oh yeah, it just

> > mysteriously goes away.... it has nothing to do with 4 years of

> > tweaking meds, CBT, and countless Dr. visits. Yes, I'm going to

> unravel.

> >

> > Yesterday, after the 'forgetting' incident with my 11 year old son,

> he

> > told me that he mentioned my 'anger' issues to a friend of his at

> > school and that he thinks I am nice about 75% of the time, and angry

> > about 25% of the time. Not true, of course, but I'm waiting for

> that

> > phone call from the Office for Children once his friend spreads the

> word.

> >

> > I think you guys 'get' that when there is one primary caregiver

> (even

> > if there are 2 adults in the house), when there are serious mental

> > health issues to manage on top of everything else, there is a

> breaking

> > point. I know this topic has been brought up before, and some

> people

> > cry in the shower, some people leave the room, and others catch

> > themselves in time. But how much can we take and keep smiling all

> the

> > time? I think it is an unrealistic expectation and suppression will

> > only result in our own breakdowns.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Angry only 25% of the time is pretty good, he could have said 50%!

Kidding aside, my kids always used the word " mad " (as in angry, not

insane) with me. I was always " mad. " I complained more than once to

them that I wasn't always " mad " -- there were other adjectives like

frustrated, tired, annoyed, stressed, irritable, bad mood, fed up,

depressed.... For them, mom was always " mad. " Probably there were

months when they'd have given me a 50%. So that's what they will

probably say if they ever get in therapy, " I remember mom was always

mad while I was growing up.... " :-) Actually my oldest (23) has

said I did a pretty good job, I was a good mom. He still has issues

though.

>

> This slightly 'off-topic' conversation has brought up so many

> touchstones that we have as a group. It is comforting and

validating

> to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am so ostracized in my

> house for my 'anger' issues and both my kids and my husband are

always

> blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize that it is their

[Guest guest]

Hi ! Well you do have good insight into your husband,

marriage/family. Glad you two are getting counseling. I'm divorced,

single mom, but one thing I wanted to make sure I did before " giving

up " was to make sure - for my own sake - that I really, really tried

to work the marriage out, tried everything, including just accepting,

like you said, how hubby is. Wanted to be able to look back and not

think " if I'd done/said... " etc.

There are/have been some really great dads (Louis H for one) on this

list, and even in some other groups I'm in (Aspergers) but I do think

sometimes that married men can tend to leave " mom " to deal with

homework, behavior, housework, sickness and so on, at least the

majority of it. So of course this includes learning about

any " mental " illness like OCD, ADHD, bipolar, autism.... It may be

partly too that we moms are more " accepting " of the possibility of

OCD, ADHD, etc., than dads so we dive in to learn, get help, etc.

Dads - I think - are more likely to think " kids will be kids "

or " just a phase " . Now give me an hour to think more about it and I

might retract that statement.

>

> Barb, your thoughtful words ring true. I realize that this disorder

> that sucks life is going to touch on all family aspects. The

question

> about how strong the marriage foundation is, is key. I have had so

[Guest guest]

At my school's Child Study Team Meeting this week the standing members of the

team got into a discussion of how there is often a difference between the way

dad's and mom's handle " special need " issues, particularly when it comes to such

things as ADHD and mental illness. It's like the old men are from Venus but

women are from Mars phenomenon. It seems like the men just want to tell the kid

to " cut it out " , while the women are more able to accept that there is a problem

and help the child whatever way is necessary.

In a message dated 01/10/09 13:02:32 Eastern Standard Time,

barbnesrallah@... writes:

Hi there " wjoltsik " ,

Just wanted to add some thoughts. The first parent support meeting I

went to (all mental illnesses) I quickly discovered the majority of

people, about 15, were divorced. While divorce is a reality and

common according to stats, it would seem even higher with mental

illness on board, and no surprise really. The level of stress,

fatigue, no anwers, lack of support, isolation because unlike when

your child has a physical disorder you don't talk about it at large

and receive support or at least conern, understanding from others.

There were many times during the " around the clock " OCD times, when

nothing worked and dependency was high, and independent movement,

self care was almost impossible that I wanted to run away from home,

blamed my husband for not shouldering more of it, lamented the lack

of meaningful support and answers from professionals. I think the

reality is that it often is an impossible situation, that one

basically just endures, and in perhaps the " healthier " moments lashes

out at whoever is closest, because everything is not alright and you

need to express that.

Whatever is not " right " in a relationship/marriage is just hightened

and magnified. If it's solid enough you just hang together and get

through it, and maybe even come to better understanding about each

other's limitations and strengths. I know I lashed out at my husband

for some things that were legitimate, but really it was out of anger,

frustration, fear, devastation over the disorder that had taken over

and levelled us all. He was the trusted person who I knew could take

it, and to his credit he knew it was mostly about me and not him, and

I knew he had his limitations and it was not personal. We were both

doing the best we could and that's all we could do, but it was not

enough we were all sinking...

My point being, while some of it is within our control to manage, we

all have our personal challenges and situations besides our children

with OCD, but this illness can take over and literally " wring out " an

entire family. Then finding the " answers " to the illness, ie

professionals who are experienced and trained (rare for many), gather

information about OCD to inform yourself and family, try to employ

ERP on your own (not possible for many) etc, etc. So even when you

know what is supposed to work, and it doesn't, it's just another

dragging down on everyone, and on and on you go with no end in sight.

So, a little " snap " here and there, while maybe not helpful

all 'round, in my view is just " real " , given the impossible

circumstances many find themselves in when this life sucking disorder

seaps into your home and wreaks havoc.

Just my thoughts.

Barb

>

> This slightly 'off-topic' conversation has brought up so many

> touchstones that we have as a group. It is comforting and

validating

> to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am so ostracized in my

> house for my 'anger' issues and both my kids and my husband are

always

> blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize that it is their

> behaviours that kick it off. In my case, my husband is completely

> hands off in regards to managing any aspect of the kids lives.

> Occassionally he will take them skiing, or watch a football game

with

> them, but when it comes to the demanding tasks, he's nowhere to be

> found. He still, after 4 years, knows nothing about OCD and has

never

> tried learning. He has gone to maybe a total of 3 shrink

> appointments. Regarding my OCD son who is doing well this month he

> said " I told you he would grow out of it! " Oh yeah, it just

> mysteriously goes away.... it has nothing to do with 4 years of

> tweaking meds, CBT, and countless Dr. visits. Yes, I'm going to

unravel.

>

> Yesterday, after the 'forgetting' incident with my 11 year old son,

he

> told me that he mentioned my 'anger' issues to a friend of his at

> school and that he thinks I am nice about 75% of the time, and angry

> about 25% of the time. Not true, of course, but I'm waiting for

that

> phone call from the Office for Children once his friend spreads the

word.

>

> I think you guys 'get' that when there is one primary caregiver

(even

> if there are 2 adults in the house), when there are serious mental

> health issues to manage on top of everything else, there is a

breaking

> point. I know this topic has been brought up before, and some

people

> cry in the shower, some people leave the room, and others catch

> themselves in time. But how much can we take and keep smiling all

the

> time? I think it is an unrealistic expectation and suppression will

> only result in our own breakdowns.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, is that when they finally have a little gratitude? Is 23

the magic age? lol That seems so far away from 16. <sigh> (Having a

tough teen day today, can you tell?)

I find that if I even say anything to our son that he doesn't want to

hear, like " hang up your coat " (because he dropped it on the sofa

thinking it would magically hang itself up, when the reality is that

mom is the " magic " that nobody seems to see). . Anyway, back on point.

.. Just saying something he doesn't want to hear, comes out as

" yelling " to him, in his mind. If you disagree with him, you are

" mad " . So, I wonder how much is just perception, rather than fact, at

times. But, agreeing with here, 25% is pretty darn good, if

it's even genuine.

On the other hand, the people you live with know how to push your

buttons and make you mad (for real) too. Families can be complicated.

Adding OCD adds a whole other level of complication and stress.

BJ

> >

> > This slightly 'off-topic' conversation has brought up so many

> > touchstones that we have as a group. It is comforting and

> validating

> > to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am so ostracized in my

> > house for my 'anger' issues and both my kids and my husband are

> always

> > blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize that it is their

>

[Guest guest]

Been where you are with the heart to heart talks that didn't make a

difference, . Been through the counseling too, which didn't help

because hubby wasn't willing to do the work required. I think I

finally came to a point of realizing that I could not talk him into

making the effort, or changing his behavior. I could not change

someone who was unwilling to change. Not saying that is the case for

you though. I hope your husband is more willing. But, for me, at that

point, I had to look at myself and see what I could do about me, for

me. Were there changes I could make that could make things smoother?

Like changes in how I looked at things. Or changes in how I felt

about things. Was I willing to accept things the way they were, or do

something about it, and if so, what? There were some situations where

I was willing to do something, and have given my husband an ultimatum

at times. It's a tough situation, and there are some tough choices in

there too. I hope you are able to sort them out and work through them.

BJ

-- In , " wjoltsik " wrote:

>

> Barb, your thoughtful words ring true. I realize that this disorder

> that sucks life is going to touch on all family aspects. The question

> about how strong the marriage foundation is, is key. I have had so

> many heart to hearts with my husband about getting more involved in

> family matters. I just think he has serious limitations in regards to

> being able to do it. He works very hard at his job, and has a level

> of success with it. He behaves as though that is his contribution to

> the family (it is), he is holding his weight, and that much of the

> rest of his off time is for him. I honestly don't think that will

> ever change. He is emotionally immature (or non-evolved as the

> therapist says) and I believe, unable to understand that he should be

> there for his family in ways other than monetary. It's sad. He is a

> good person, but he simply can't supply emotional support and he has

> no empathy whatsoever, except to animals. For awhile I thought maybe

> he had aspergers, but the therapist doesn't think so. All I have to

> do is decide whether or not I can continue living with this type of

> person. With my son's anxieties around separation and loss, I keep

> thinking that a divorce would be worse for my kids than us staying

> together.

>

> My name is , by the way. After all this personal talk, I should

> at least disclose my name .

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > This slightly 'off-topic' conversation has brought up so many

> > > touchstones that we have as a group. It is comforting and

> > validating

> > > to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am so ostracized in my

> > > house for my 'anger' issues and both my kids and my husband are

> > always

> > > blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize that it is their

> > > behaviours that kick it off. In my case, my husband is completely

> > > hands off in regards to managing any aspect of the kids lives.

> > > Occassionally he will take them skiing, or watch a football game

> > with

> > > them, but when it comes to the demanding tasks, he's nowhere to be

> > > found. He still, after 4 years, knows nothing about OCD and has

> > never

> > > tried learning. He has gone to maybe a total of 3 shrink

> > > appointments. Regarding my OCD son who is doing well this month he

> > > said " I told you he would grow out of it! " Oh yeah, it just

> > > mysteriously goes away.... it has nothing to do with 4 years of

> > > tweaking meds, CBT, and countless Dr. visits. Yes, I'm going to

> > unravel.

> > >

> > > Yesterday, after the 'forgetting' incident with my 11 year old son,

> > he

> > > told me that he mentioned my 'anger' issues to a friend of his at

> > > school and that he thinks I am nice about 75% of the time, and angry

> > > about 25% of the time. Not true, of course, but I'm waiting for

> > that

> > > phone call from the Office for Children once his friend spreads the

> > word.

> > >

> > > I think you guys 'get' that when there is one primary caregiver

> > (even

> > > if there are 2 adults in the house), when there are serious mental

> > > health issues to manage on top of everything else, there is a

> > breaking

> > > point. I know this topic has been brought up before, and some

> > people

> > > cry in the shower, some people leave the room, and others catch

> > > themselves in time. But how much can we take and keep smiling all

> > the

> > > time? I think it is an unrealistic expectation and suppression will

> > > only result in our own breakdowns.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

BJ, well I had heard that age 18 makes a big difference in attitude and

easier to live with them (kids) and that was true. But I imagine

around ages 22-24 are the magic ages, LOL. You're right about

that " hang up your coat " thing.

>

> Wow, is that when they finally have a little gratitude? Is 23

> the magic age? lol That seems so far away from 16. <sigh> (Having a

> tough teen day today, can you tell?)

>

[Guest guest]

Oh thank God!!! He's almost 17, so in a little over a year I have a

chance of getting my son back. That gives me hope.

You know it's such a mixed bag because on one hand he is doing well

enough to behave like a typical teen, and I'm thankful for that,. . .

But on the other hand, I'm ready to strangle him at times. <rolling

eyes>

Thanks, Chris.

Hugs,

BJ

> >

> > Wow, is that when they finally have a little gratitude? Is 23

> > the magic age? lol That seems so far away from 16. <sigh> (Having a

> > tough teen day today, can you tell?)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, we get them back and then they move away! lol  I will never forget how

heartwrenching it was when my son moved out of the house. It's a double edged

sword!

________________________________

To:

Sent: Saturday, January 10, 2009 4:28:33 PM

Subject: Re: Parenting 101, when is it cause for concern?

Oh thank God!!! He's almost 17, so in a little over a year I have a

chance of getting my son back. That gives me hope.

You know it's such a mixed bag because on one hand he is doing well

enough to behave like a typical teen, and I'm thankful for that,. . .

But on the other hand, I'm ready to strangle him at times. <rolling

eyes>

Thanks, Chris.

Hugs,

BJ

> >

> > Wow, is that when they finally have a little gratitude? Is 23

> > the magic age? lol That seems so far away from 16. <sigh> (Having a

> > tough teen day today, can you tell?)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I cannot agree with you more!!!!!

I could have sworn I wrote this e-mail!!

Hugs

Judy

________________________________

To:

Sent: Saturday, January 10, 2009 10:21:33 AM

Subject: Re: Parenting 101, when is it cause for concern?

This slightly 'off-topic' conversation has brought up so many

touchstones that we have as a group. It is comforting and validating

to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am so ostracized in my

house for my 'anger' issues and both my kids and my husband are always

blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize that it is their

behaviours that kick it off. In my case, my husband is completely

hands off in regards to managing any aspect of the kids lives.

Occassionally he will take them skiing, or watch a football game with

them, but when it comes to the demanding tasks, he's nowhere to be

found. He still, after 4 years, knows nothing about OCD and has never

tried learning. He has gone to maybe a total of 3 shrink

appointments. Regarding my OCD son who is doing well this month he

said " I told you he would grow out of it! " Oh yeah, it just

mysteriously goes away.... it has nothing to do with 4 years of

tweaking meds, CBT, and countless Dr. visits. Yes, I'm going to unravel.

Yesterday, after the 'forgetting' incident with my 11 year old son, he

told me that he mentioned my 'anger' issues to a friend of his at

school and that he thinks I am nice about 75% of the time, and angry

about 25% of the time. Not true, of course, but I'm waiting for that

phone call from the Office for Children once his friend spreads the word.

I think you guys 'get' that when there is one primary caregiver (even

if there are 2 adults in the house), when there are serious mental

health issues to manage on top of everything else, there is a breaking

point. I know this topic has been brought up before, and some people

cry in the shower, some people leave the room, and others catch

themselves in time. But how much can we take and keep smiling all the

time? I think it is an unrealistic expectation and suppression will

only result in our own breakdowns.

[Guest guest]

Hi Bj,

All sounds familiar. In the end I think keeping the focus on

yourself and becoming clear about what you need/want and then asking

for it and then deciding what you can accept and live with. No other

choice really, cannot change someone, and we all have our limitations

anyway.

The stress of situations can cause such alienation in a relationship

because of differences in needs and ways of meeting those needs I

think.

Hugs!

Barb

I had to look at myself and see what I could do about me, for

> me. Were there changes I could make that could make things

smoother?

> Like changes in how I looked at things. Or changes in how I felt

> about things. Was I willing to accept things the way they were, or

do

> something about it, and if so, what? There were some situations

where

> I was willing to do something, and have given my husband an

ultimatum

> at times. It's a tough situation, and there are some tough choices

in

> there too. I hope you are able to sort them out and work through

them.

>

> BJ

>

>

>

>

>

> -- In , " wjoltsik " <wjoltsik@> wrote:

> >

> > Barb, your thoughtful words ring true. I realize that this

disorder

> > that sucks life is going to touch on all family aspects. The

question

> > about how strong the marriage foundation is, is key. I have had

so

> > many heart to hearts with my husband about getting more involved

in

> > family matters. I just think he has serious limitations in

regards to

> > being able to do it. He works very hard at his job, and has a

level

> > of success with it. He behaves as though that is his

contribution to

> > the family (it is), he is holding his weight, and that much of the

> > rest of his off time is for him. I honestly don't think that will

> > ever change. He is emotionally immature (or non-evolved as the

> > therapist says) and I believe, unable to understand that he

should be

> > there for his family in ways other than monetary. It's sad. He

is a

> > good person, but he simply can't supply emotional support and he

has

> > no empathy whatsoever, except to animals. For awhile I thought

maybe

> > he had aspergers, but the therapist doesn't think so. All I have

to

> > do is decide whether or not I can continue living with this type

of

> > person. With my son's anxieties around separation and loss, I

keep

> > thinking that a divorce would be worse for my kids than us staying

> > together.

> >

> > My name is , by the way. After all this personal talk, I

should

> > at least disclose my name .

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > > >

> > > > This slightly 'off-topic' conversation has brought up so many

> > > > touchstones that we have as a group. It is comforting and

> > > validating

> > > > to me that so many of you unravel and snap. I am so

ostracized in my

> > > > house for my 'anger' issues and both my kids and my husband

are

> > > always

> > > > blaming it on me. They seriously never recognize that it is

their

> > > > behaviours that kick it off. In my case, my husband is

completely

> > > > hands off in regards to managing any aspect of the kids

lives.

> > > > Occassionally he will take them skiing, or watch a football

game

> > > with

> > > > them, but when it comes to the demanding tasks, he's nowhere

to be

> > > > found. He still, after 4 years, knows nothing about OCD and

has

> > > never

> > > > tried learning. He has gone to maybe a total of 3 shrink

> > > > appointments. Regarding my OCD son who is doing well this

month he

> > > > said " I told you he would grow out of it! " Oh yeah, it just

> > > > mysteriously goes away.... it has nothing to do with 4 years

of

> > > > tweaking meds, CBT, and countless Dr. visits. Yes, I'm going

to

> > > unravel.

> > > >

> > > > Yesterday, after the 'forgetting' incident with my 11 year

old son,

> > > he

> > > > told me that he mentioned my 'anger' issues to a friend of

his at

> > > > school and that he thinks I am nice about 75% of the time,

and angry

> > > > about 25% of the time. Not true, of course, but I'm waiting

for

> > > that

> > > > phone call from the Office for Children once his friend

spreads the

> > > word.

> > > >

> > > > I think you guys 'get' that when there is one primary

caregiver

> > > (even

> > > > if there are 2 adults in the house), when there are serious

mental

> > > > health issues to manage on top of everything else, there is a

> > > breaking

> > > > point. I know this topic has been brought up before, and

some

> > > people

> > > > cry in the shower, some people leave the room, and others

catch

> > > > themselves in time. But how much can we take and keep

smiling all

> > > the

> > > > time? I think it is an unrealistic expectation and

suppression will

> > > > only result in our own breakdowns.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well now I had heard that it gets better at about 18, because that's

when they usually move out!!!

Nice that your 23yr old thinks you did a good job did you have

him put it in writing and frame it??? I would!

Hugs!

Barb

> >

> > Wow, is that when they finally have a little gratitude?

Is 23

> > the magic age? lol That seems so far away from 16. <sigh>

(Having a

> > tough teen day today, can you tell?)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Boy do I get that BJ! Same here. So grateful that your kid is

more " normal " /typical teen, but the frustration with their

aggravating ways quickly disipates any warm fuzzy feelings....

I'm with you on the desire to strangle sometimes too!!! My sister

told me about a book titled " Now I Know Why tigers Eat There Young:

Surviving the New Generation of Teens " . At the time mine was a baby

and I thought what an awful book......how far we've come!

Hugs!

>

> You know it's such a mixed bag because on one hand he is doing well

> enough to behave like a typical teen, and I'm thankful for

that,. . .

> But on the other hand, I'm ready to strangle him at times. <rolling

> eyes>

>

> Thanks, Chris.

>

> Hugs,

> BJ

>

>

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Wow, is that when they finally have a little gratitude?

Is 23

> > > the magic age? lol That seems so far away from 16. <sigh>

(Having a

> > > tough teen day today, can you tell?)

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Marcia,

Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes I get lost in my own memories

of how it was and can get a bit carried away with the topic....Think we

all experience similar but different within our relationships.

How are you? Is today any better?

Hugs!

Barb

>

> I, too, want to thank you for choosing to take the time

> to put that into words for us, Barb. Like BJ, I also found it

insightful.

> Marcia

>

[Guest guest]

rofl Yeah, I can see how the mouthy child moving out could make

things improve. Too funny, Barb.

BJ

<still laughing>

> > >

> > > Wow, is that when they finally have a little gratitude?

> Is 23

> > > the magic age? lol That seems so far away from 16. <sigh>

> (Having a

> > > tough teen day today, can you tell?)

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, I guess my basic question touched a nerve in a few different

directions. The stress of dealing with a mental health disorder

surely taps into our lives with other children and our spouses. It

does help to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with keeping

it cool. Maybe we can learn something from " No drama - Obama " . He

has alot on his plate, too

I do know that we all deserve to be supported emotionally by our

significant others when going through significant struggles of any

kind. For those of you out there who are single, or like me, are in

a relationship in name only, remember that we deserve and need to be

supported to stay strong. Personally, I have to be careful not to

take it out on my children when I don't get that support, and must

withdraw on my strength reserves until things smooth out someday.

[Guest guest]

You know what?  Sometimes when I hear the difficulties that couples have

joining together to help their kids with special needs, I feel glad that I am

raising my kids as a single parent!!  (Not really, but it sounds good!)

Re: Parenting 101, when is it cause for concern?

Well, I guess my basic question touched a nerve in a few different

directions. The stress of dealing with a mental health disorder

surely taps into our lives with other children and our spouses. It

does help to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with keeping

it cool. Maybe we can learn something from " No drama - Obama " . He

has alot on his plate, too

I do know that we all deserve to be supported emotionally by our

significant others when going through significant struggles of any

kind. For those of you out there who are single, or like me, are in

a relationship in name only, remember that we deserve and need to be

supported to stay strong. Personally, I have to be careful not to

take it out on my children when I don't get that support, and must

withdraw on my strength reserves until things smooth out someday.

20