Umachs

[Guest guest]

Those familiar with " Star Trek " know about the Ferengue

race, who worship Greed; and their " Bible " is instead the

" Rules of Acquisition " . They also know that the Ferengue

have very large ears, which are extremely sensitive, and

sources of pleasure, (or pain). They lie on a couch, and

lay their heads on their mate's lap, and she slowly strokes

the outer edges of their ears. It has nothing to do with

" foreplay " , in that " giving umachs " doesn't necessarily

lead to sex, it's just a pleasant thing to have their naked,

compliant wives do for them after a long, hard day at the

office, or the store, or to while away a Sunday afternoon.

(Not that any self-respecting Ferengue would want to come

home and find his mate giving his best friend umachs.)

I've found that it's possible to give one's self umachs.

When all is quiet in the house, draw yourself a deep hot

bath, and lie down in it. You'd likely have to bend your

knees sharply, or cross your legs to lie back so far as

to submerge your head and ears, but not your face. When

the water stops sloshing around, make sure there are no

air bubbles in the ear canal, then slowly run your fingers

around the edges of your ears. The sound of skin against

skin is amplified through the water, and vibrates through-

out the inner ear. Make complete circles around the ears,

and listen for the sound it makes. Forget the world, and

become engulfed in it. Soothing, relaxing, and pleasant.

Clay, who just had a bath and is going grocery shopping.