(no subject)

[Guest guest]

Hi Gang:

Recently in Dear Abby, I found an interesting, thought provoking column

entitled " Lying can sometimes be a blessing. " There were several letters in

response to a daughter of a mother who has Alzheimer's Disease. The daughter was

uncomfortable lying to her elderly mother about the fact that her husband had

died.

You may have read the column. It was dated 3-16-06 in my local newspaper FYI.

The response I wanted to comment on was the one sent in by a social worker.

She said that " everyone needs to be told of deaths-but only once. " She went on

to say that " those with short term memory do not need to be reminded every

time they ask, but that everyone deserves the dignity of grieving for a loved

one

at least one time. That death is a part of life, as so many elders with

dementia understand. "

This got me to thinking. I then read an article called " Diminishment,

Spirituality Endures and Endures by Mira Mosie. She had worked with Sisters in

the

Memory Care Unit of Caritas Center.

Mira says that " it's telling therapeutic fibs, taking the time to learn a

Sister's reality at age 8 by pouring over photo alblums and listening to their

stories " that's important. When a resident asks, " What time is it on the

mainland? " the knowledgeable person knows that the Sister is at that moment on

the

mainland where she spent years of ministry in Hawaii and she knows how to

respond

to the question. " It's recognizing and joining in with the affected

individuals reality and speaking out of it to them.

In the past I have considered this to be lying and for me personally, lying

is wrong. However, this column in Dear Abby and the article by Mira Mosie on

working with Sister's with dementia has made me rethink therapeutic lying and

too change my thinking on the subject.

If we can be kept from sadness, depression, crying or worrying by one

traveling with us into our reality and speaking from it, I do not feel it is

lying.

Rather than intending to deceive, it is intended to help. I feel it may be

necessary to bring us the comfort and what we most need at that moment in time.

There should be no reason for the person involved in this fib to feel guilty,

but rather to have the assurance of knowing that's a person's needs have been

met for the moment. Perhaps the term for the process should be changed so as

not to make those that choose to use it feel guilty.

As one having dementia I hope that my caregivers and those working with me

will be thoughtful and kind enough to use therapeutic fibs when I need them. It

could help me get through some difficult times and may help the caregiver or

helper survive the day.

I was wondering what others with dementia, caregivers and other members

thought of telling a therapeutic fib and if you would mind sharing your thoughts

with us? I would be very interested.

Chip Gerber

[Guest guest]

Very well said, Courage, I agree completely.

>

> Hi Chip,

>

> I think it is not only ok to engage in theraputic lying but very

> necessary at times. Who is gaining by insisting over and over

again to

> a person who has dementia that their life partner passed? Perhaps

the

> caregiver will stop the LO from asking but is it fair to upset

them so?

> Who is gaining here - certainly not the LO.

> My mom's two eldest brothers passed away when she was in the middle

> stages. We let mom know - once was enough and she had a hard

enough

> time grasping this. We also chose not to take mom to the funerals

> because we knew that she was anxiety ridden in large groups and

didn't

> want other people's crying to upset her. It may sound cruel to

some but

> I know that her brothers would have it no other way.

> Also, when mom was having a hallucination I not only did not try to

> " talk " her out of if but I went along with it too - roll with it -

its

> less stressful for everyone. If mom said that she saw a beautiful

> parade I wouldn't try to tell her that there wasn't a parade but

instead

> would ask her to tell me more about it. When my dad would tell

her that

> things weren't real mom would seem so sad and would stop talking.

If,

> on the other hand, we went with it she would smile and talk away.

Mom

> stopped talking nearly for good over six months ago and what I

wouldn't

> do to hear her talk - even if it is in connection to a

hullucination.

> I've informed my children that if I get dementia that they have my

> permission to lie to me big time. I may have dementia but I want

to be

> happy too.

> Courage

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Chip,

I think it is not only ok to engage in theraputic lying but very

necessary at times. Who is gaining by insisting over and over again to

a person who has dementia that their life partner passed? Perhaps the

caregiver will stop the LO from asking but is it fair to upset them so?

Who is gaining here - certainly not the LO.

My mom's two eldest brothers passed away when she was in the middle

stages. We let mom know - once was enough and she had a hard enough

time grasping this. We also chose not to take mom to the funerals

because we knew that she was anxiety ridden in large groups and didn't

want other people's crying to upset her. It may sound cruel to some but

I know that her brothers would have it no other way.

Also, when mom was having a hallucination I not only did not try to

" talk " her out of if but I went along with it too - roll with it - its

less stressful for everyone. If mom said that she saw a beautiful

parade I wouldn't try to tell her that there wasn't a parade but instead

would ask her to tell me more about it. When my dad would tell her that

things weren't real mom would seem so sad and would stop talking. If,

on the other hand, we went with it she would smile and talk away. Mom

stopped talking nearly for good over six months ago and what I wouldn't

do to hear her talk - even if it is in connection to a hullucination.

I've informed my children that if I get dementia that they have my

permission to lie to me big time. I may have dementia but I want to be

happy too.

Courage