Guest guest Posted October 20, 2000 Report Share Posted October 20, 2000 >Subject: Moms > > >> POSITION: Mom >> >> JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent >> work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent >> communication and organizational skills and be willing to >> work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and >frequent >> 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips >to >> primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments >in >> faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier >duties >> also required. >> >> RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life. >> Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 >> to >> go skating. >> Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. >> Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from >> zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from >> the >> backyard are not someone just crying wolf. >> Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small >> gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. >> Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of >> multiple homework projects. >> Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of >> all >> ages and mental outlooks. >> Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the >next. >> Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, >> plastic toys and battery operated devices. >> Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. >> Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end >> product. >> >> Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work >> throughout the facility. >> >> POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. >> Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without >complaining, >> constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your >charge >> can ultimately surpass you. >> >> PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training >> offered on a continually exhausting basis. >> >> WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and >> bonuses. >> When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this >> reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you >> could only do more. >> >> BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition >> reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job >> supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for >life >> if you play your cards right. >> >> Forward this on to all the MOM's you know, in appreciation for >everything >> they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated. >> > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2003 Report Share Posted August 1, 2003 Moms Moms The following are answers given by school children to these question: Why did God make mothers? 1.- She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2.- Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. 3.- Mostly to clean the house. 4.- To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1.- We're related. 2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me What ingredients are mothers made of? 1 - God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2.- They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but probably pretty bossy. 3.- They say she used to be nice. How did your mom meet your dad? 1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting. What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1.- His last name. 2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2.- She got too old to do anything else with him. 3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. What makes a real woman? 1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy. Who's the boss at your house? 1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball. 2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms and dads? 1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work. 2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. What does your mom do in her spare time? 1.- Mothers don't do spare time. 2.- To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What's the difference between moms and grandmas? 1.- I think around 30 years. 2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy.Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them! Describe the world's greatest mom? 1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream! AFFIRMATIONS:Today I will be brave enough not to let any opportunity pass me by,my only alternative is to succeed.I will spend each minute passionately to make of today a different and unique day in my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 Why I love MOM Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, " I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed. " She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails. Dad called out, " I thought you were going to bed. " " I'm on my way, " she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and tv's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals. About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. " I'm going to bed. " And he did...without another thought. Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...? 'CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL...... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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