how to deal with your anger....

[Guest guest]

At least you realize that your anger doesn't help and may make it worse. That's

the first step. The child is instructed to see the OCD as external to

themselves so they can fight it. You also need to see the OCD as external to

your child so you don't fight the child. And only your child can fight the

OCD--you can only be supportive and encouraging, not controlling. Point out her

successes and don't dwell on the failures--progress is up and down, so try not

to get discouraged by the setbacks. The more you can help her decrease her

stress and anxiety, the more successful she will be at fighting her OCD--and

winning. Make sure you don't add to her stress! You are in this for the long

haul and have to expect some short term losses. (Do I sound like a cheerleader

yet?)

Judy

how to deal with your anger....

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in quite a while, but I am still reading and

learning, as I am pretty new to this site. My daughter, I suppose is

doing well...(whatever well is for OCD!).I am not sure how good it

can get, so since it is not horrible, I guess I should call it good!

She goes to camp, has some good friends, gets good grades in school

with some support....is that good?

What I was wondering is how you all deal with the anger that you feel

when you see your kids doing " unnecessary " things. If my daughter

has a particularly stressful day, she is much less able to do her ERP

exercises, and she would never do them without me telling her to. It

is so painful for me to see her backtrack. I get so mad and angry

and I sometimes don't physically let her do what she wants to. I can

be sooo tough and probably mean at times. It really comes between me

and my daughter and I don't like it. I get so tired of the

repetitive questions, etc... We are trying to increase her own

motivation to work on the problems, but it doesn't seem to be working

yet. She is 11 years old. Probably has ADD too, but it could be

from the anxiety.

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how to deal with

those times that you want to get in there and stop the nonsense. And

how to control your anger and help the child. Do any of you

expereicne these same feelings?

Our daugther has problems with getting ready for bed in the

bathroom. She wants to wash hands after brushing her teeth, even if

she just showered. Lots of little rituals, and things take too

long. It is very frustrating! Sorry for rambling, but she had a

stressful bedtime tonight. thanks for listening. Ellen

[Guest guest]

Ellen,

I'm sure we all use different coping skills in dealing with our kids' OCD. I'm

also sure we all have different emotions in response to the OCD. I deal more

with depression and anxiety over it, knowing he's suffering and knowing our life

has left the world of " normal " for the time being. I have spent nights crying

in bed to my husband over all of this. We parents probably go through a whole

gamut of reactions to discovering our children have this to overcome. I do get

frustrated at times-especially when he can't focus long enough to get dressed

because his brain is so busy. I deal with it by taking breaks from him-let him

go to a relatives's house, go with his dad on errands, etc. You can't take care

of them if you don't get away from it for awhile. Also, I lean on all the

people here for support. I don't feel judged, embarassed by my son's problems,

guilty, or hopeless after I've spent time reading/typing posts. The people here

have helped me soooooooo much.

How long has your daughter been dealing with OCD? Is she seeing a therapist?

Good luck, Ellen

in Southern Illinois

how to deal with your anger....

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in quite a while, but I am still reading and

learning, as I am pretty new to this site. My daughter, I suppose is

doing well...(whatever well is for OCD!).I am not sure how good it

can get, so since it is not horrible, I guess I should call it good!

She goes to camp, has some good friends, gets good grades in school

with some support....is that good?

What I was wondering is how you all deal with the anger that you feel

when you see your kids doing " unnecessary " things. If my daughter

has a particularly stressful day, she is much less able to do her ERP

exercises, and she would never do them without me telling her to. It

is so painful for me to see her backtrack. I get so mad and angry

and I sometimes don't physically let her do what she wants to. I can

be sooo tough and probably mean at times. It really comes between me

and my daughter and I don't like it. I get so tired of the

repetitive questions, etc... We are trying to increase her own

motivation to work on the problems, but it doesn't seem to be working

yet. She is 11 years old. Probably has ADD too, but it could be

from the anxiety.

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how to deal with

those times that you want to get in there and stop the nonsense. And

how to control your anger and help the child. Do any of you

expereicne these same feelings?

Our daugther has problems with getting ready for bed in the

bathroom. She wants to wash hands after brushing her teeth, even if

she just showered. Lots of little rituals, and things take too

long. It is very frustrating! Sorry for rambling, but she had a

stressful bedtime tonight. thanks for listening. Ellen

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[Guest guest]

Hi Ellen

I've had to apologize to more than once for my impatience,

temper, etc., with him & OCD. I also had to learn to remind myself a

lot that it was " OCD " I didn't like, not .

And yes, I would feel many times that he just was not " trying " to

beat back OCD, was just letting OCD take him wherever it wanted to.

I wanted to " see " him working against OCD!

For us it had to work in " baby steps " and trying not to tackle too

many OCD things at once. Picking what seemed to be the easier things

to try, the least anxiety-causing things for . Never mind

that bedtime was the MOST anxiety causing for me & him and I wanted

MY sleep! And I always still recall the time broke down,

heaving huge sobs and telling me he WAS trying. And I realized that

even though " I " don't see it, that inside, internally, he was always

putting up with OCD; sometimes fighting it back, trying to get

through compulsions/thoughts faster, sometimes just too tired to

fight anymore that day.

At times I was a cheerleader, telling him he could get past this

moment; he would be able to get in bed and stay there, not having to

get up again & again to try to get in bed the " right " way or stand

there until he felt the " right moment " to get on the bed; that he

could get past some thought he seemed to have going on in his head as

he sometimes took his fist and beat his head because he couldn't

get " through it " or get it " right " or whatever was going on inside

his head (he couldn't or wouldn't say). And sometimes I was just so

darned tired that my own temper would get up, my impatience, I would

say things and, as I said, later apologize.

So I had to do my own " homework " and learn greater patience; learn to

take a step or two back, take a few deep breaths; find something to

distract myself at times while waiting for some drawn-out OCD episode

to pass (TV, book, computer, even a " daydream " ).

So far as physically stopping - I learned very early not to

do that, that just caused greater anxiety, a meltdown, longer

episodes, a bit of anger.... Being supportive, cheering him on, even

ignoring him worked better. And, as I said, picking just one or 2

things to work on at a time and just letting the other OC things go

on " for now " worked best for . Actually, once he somehow

conquered a couple things, some of the other behaviors just seemed to

disappear or lessen. Of course, sometimes a new one would pop up.

But it seemed to get easier for him to handle it all.

Well, doubt I was much help, but just wanted to let you know

that " I've been there " too!

Here's an article from Dr. Penzel's site you might find helpful if

you haven't yet read it:

http://www.homestead.com/westsuffolkpsych/ManagingParents.html

single mom, 3 sons

, 15, OCD, dysgraphia and HFA/Aspergers

> Hi everyone,

> I haven't posted in quite a while, but I am still reading and

> learning, as I am pretty new to this site. My daughter, I suppose

is

> doing well...(whatever well is for OCD!).I am not sure how good it

> can get, so since it is not horrible, I guess I should call it good!

> She goes to camp, has some good friends, gets good grades in school

> with some support....is that good?

> What I was wondering is how you all deal with the anger that you

feel

[Guest guest]

> Hi everyone,

> I haven't posted in quite a while, but I am still reading and

> learning, as I am pretty new to this site.  My daughter, I suppose is

> doing well...(whatever well is for OCD!).I am not sure how good it

> can get, so since it is not horrible, I guess I should call it good!

> She goes to camp, has some good friends, gets good grades in school

> with some support....is that good?

> What I was wondering is how you all deal with the anger that you feel

> when you see your kids doing " unnecessary " things.  If my daughter

> has a particularly stressful day, she is much less able to do her ERP

> exercises, and she would never do them without me telling her to.  It

> is so painful for me to see her backtrack.  I get so mad and angry

> and I sometimes don't physically let her do what she wants to.  I can

> be sooo tough and probably mean at times.  It really comes between me

> and my daughter and I don't like it.  I get so tired of the

> repetitive questions, etc...  We are trying to increase her own

> motivation to work on the problems, but it doesn't seem to be working

> yet.  She is 11 years old.  Probably has ADD too, but it could be

> from the anxiety. 

>

Not many suggestions, just a lot of sympathy.

If it helps any, I think that being 11 is a big part of it as well. My

daughter is 11 and all the parents I know with 11 years old daughters

are being driven crazy by them. Having the OCD on top of it is the

icing on the cake.

My daughter does well in school and with friends as well. She

supposedly has " subclinical " OCD because it doesn't occupy huge parts

of her day and has a " minimal " impact on her life. Ha! It all comes

out at home and it is having a huge impact on MY life.

Part of the anger on my part comes from not having realized that her

behaviors were related to OCD. (It was only after her brother was

diagnosed that my daughter started seeing a therapist who framed her

" difficult " temperment as possible OCD. It was a kind of lightning

bolt moment to realize what had been going on for all these years).

Therefore, we spent years seeing the things she did as, at best,

sensory issues and at worst defiance and discipline issues.

We've had *years* of practice yelling, " Just go in the bathroom and

brush your teeth. Your father killed the ant already and there's

nothing in there and even if there was it's an ANT for goodness sake. "

or " Who cares if your socks are even, just get them on and get in the

car you are making everyone late! " Now trying to help her see things

as obsessions while at the same time trying to remind myself that they

are obsessions is very difficult.

Years of dealing with this (ineffectively, I might add) has given both

of us a very low boiling point as well. She falls apart shrieking and

tantrumming at the least bit of problem and I'll admit that I'm not far

behind. While I realize intellectually that this is not the best

response, it's very hard to control it in the heat of the moment.

One thing that really helped was taking a low dose of an antidepressant

(me, not my daughter). I stopped when I got pregnant, though, and

things have not been fun (add pregnancy hormones to my issues and the

stress of a new sibling to hers and you can guess what it looks like

around here). I'm trying to weigh the cost vs. benefit and see if I

think I should start back until things are under better control here.

(I'm breastfeeding, so I have some concerns. The meds are supposed to

be safe, but....)

Anyway, I too would love to hear what people have to say.