The Darkness

[Guest guest]

Peggy,

I have walked in your shoes. I was so sad when I read your post. I relived all

the pain I felt when my child was first diagnosed. I remember screaming and

swearing at the top of my lungs in the car ride home from the psychiatrist's

office after he was first diagnosed. I remember it was almost as if my son had

died, because I lost all my dreams and hopes for my child. I remember not

wanting to get up and face another day of therapy and special diets. I remember

being so scared and alone. I had no one to talk to who understood. I couldn't

even discuss things with my husband because he was hurting as much as I was.

Eventually, my son did get better as a result of Dr. G and ABA. I am the mom

that Rifat was referring to. My son was officially diagnosed as autistic when

he was four. The psychiatrist (the leading authority on autism in the Twin

Cities at that time) told my husband and myself that the best prognosis we could

hope for would be that one day our son would be running a computer in the

basement of some company and would not have to deal with people.

This psychiatrist went on to tell us that most children with autism grow up and

are placed in group homes, others end up in prison, and we would just have to

wait and see how he turned out. My husband and I couldn't accept this and went

from doctor to doctor trying to help our child. Most of these doctors did not

even perform a cursory exam because they didn't believe autistic kids could get

better. They had nothing to give us, not even hope.

When my son entered kindergarten, he was in the third percentile for speech. By

that time we had been seeing Dr. Goldberg for about a year. By the third

grade, my son tested in the 85th percentile for speech and by fifth grade no

longer received any assistance at all at school. Dr. Goldberg has been treating

my child and others like him successfully for the last decade.

On my son's current eighth grade report card, he earned all " A's. He is in all

the accelerated classes with no assistance. None of his teachers or friends

even knows he was ever diagnosed with autism. But more importantly, he is well

liked and doing all the things the doctors said would never be possible.

Most of the things I did to help my son were so I would not have any guilt

later. Even I didn't believe he could really get better. I had all the

emotions and thoughts you have. I was so devastated that I even contemplated

the two of us leaving this world together. Thank God I didn't do that. He is

such a great kid now.

When I read your post I saw myself, working with him all day and reading about

helping him all night. I remember my husband waking up one night because my

light was on again at 2 a.m. He told me I couldn't do this 24 hours a day. I

snapped at him and said I have to because I'm his only chance.

Fortunately, my son did recover. But it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I felt like my house was a revolving door for therapists. Sometimes when it got

to be too much I would call everyone and take a week off because I just wanted

to be Mommy instead of his case worker. I was angry that I had to teach my son

all the things that other kids just learned. And I must admit I was jealous of

the people with normal children.

But taught me so many things. I soon learned, it doesn't matter what

anyone thinks. The only thing that was important was helping my child. I no

longer get embarrassed about anything. After a few of the melt downs when the

world looks at you like you have a spoiled and out of control child, you learn

to say who cares what they think. I have lots to share to help you. I don't

want anyone to have to live through this hell alone.

Until Dr. G none of the doctors were much help. It is great when you realize

you can stop reading all the " new " cures of the day, because you are doing

something that is actually helping.

Rifat said it so well what we have to endure daily with one of our kids. Please

don't give up and contact me by email or phone. I get it because I have been

there.

Marcia Hinds (952) 925-9803