OK, I feel horrible and hate myself for thinking this

[Guest guest]

I just am at my wits end with him. We have had such a horrible month

with his tantrums, lack of listening, hurting his sister.

I sometimes just want to give up. I can't stand him anymore. I hate

myself for thinking like this. It's been 8 years like this. I hate my

marriage. We argue all the time because of him.

I just feel like I want to give him up. I can't take it anymore!!!!

I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown, my head hurts all the

time, I can't sleep, I don't even like to have him around me.

Is this normal? I don't feel normal right now. I feel like I'm ready

to have a stroke, I've got chest pains and I can feel my blood

pressure rising.

I just want to GIVE UP!!

Our home has been broken, I feel like either running away or just dying.

I don't like to feel like this, but I don't know what to do anymore

with him.

What do I do??

[Guest guest]

Oh hun! I am so sorry for your pain! I have been there and it is very tough! Well I am still there and always will be! My husband and I use to fight all the time too because of the change in our family when Autism came into it and my husband being in a sort of denial and acting like it was not as bad as I make it sound etc! It is better now! I have felt like I was gonna die before! How old is your son? You know, it would not hurt for you to seek help and get on some meds and maybe get therapy! I am on meds and see a therapist! Take care!Stacie BAurora ILSent via BlackBerry by AT&TDate: Wed, 01 Oct 2008 21:26:04 -0000To: <AutismBehaviorProblems >Subject: OK, I feel horrible and hate myself for thinking this I just am at my wits end with him. We have had such a horrible month with his tantrums, lack of listening, hurting his sister. I sometimes just want to give up. I can't stand him anymore. I hate myself for thinking like this. It's been 8 years like this. I hate my marriage. We argue all the time because of him. I just feel like I want to give him up. I can't take it anymore!!!! I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown, my head hurts all the time, I can't sleep, I don't even like to have him around me. Is this normal? I don't feel normal right now. I feel like I'm ready to have a stroke, I've got chest pains and I can feel my blood pressure rising. I just want to GIVE UP!! Our home has been broken, I feel like either running away or just dying. I don't like to feel like this, but I don't know what to do anymore with him. What do I do?? :(

[Guest guest]

Hi Rosemary,I agree with you. I know my family really needs me. I am

happy to know you have shared fun times with your family. I have been

able to camp,travel with my children in the past. I hope those times

return. The main coping skill I need to develope is for the

aggression when my family is being hurt. I also worry about other

children,people being harmed or could be harmed by my son. To many

worries about his safety and others. My older children with autism

did throw things,tantrums,meltdowns and all those things,minus

attacking people. Thats the one thing that makes me feel powerless

against autism. I have most of my taxed,nerves worn then. How can my

child who hurts people go out into the world if I cant control him

now or keep my own family safe. Thats what drives my down times. His

twin sister is high functioning pdd. I hope that doesnt change. My

older ones have been wonderful teachers. I suppose their is a lesson

here to be learned as well. I just feel so responsible and relate

with others pain so well I can only imagine how my son could affect

someones life with his aggressive attack capability. He so clueless

about pain,consequences. Its hard to parent from that angle. When he

regressed he lost his compassion. It wasnt always this way. Thats

what hurts the most,

Best wishes,

Tishanne

> >

> > I just am at my wits end with him. We have had such a horrible

month

> > with his tantrums, lack of listening, hurting his sister.

> >

> > I sometimes just want to give up. I can't stand him anymore. I

hate

> > myself for thinking like this. It's been 8 years like this. I

hate

> my

> > marriage. We argue all the time because of him.

> >

> > I just feel like I want to give him up. I can't take it

anymore!!!!

> >

> > I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown, my head hurts

all

> the

> > time, I can't sleep, I don't even like to have him around me.

> >

> > Is this normal? I don't feel normal right now. I feel like I'm

ready

> > to have a stroke, I've got chest pains and I can feel my blood

> > pressure rising.

> >

> > I just want to GIVE UP!!

> >

> > Our home has been broken, I feel like either running away or

just

> dying.

> >

> > I don't like to feel like this, but I don't know what to do

anymore

> > with him.

> >

> > What do I do?? :(

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tishanne,

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience...that is simply awful! Did you

speak with the church leadership about this? Did they try to make any

accommodations (i.e. a buddy program, a special needs ministry, etc.)? I'm a

Christian, along with being a part-time church secretary, so I have a special

interest in this area.

Unfortunately, over the years the church has been woefully lacking in addressing

the needs of the developmentally disabled. It seems if there are those with

physical disabilities (i.e. orthopedically, hearing impaired, etc), those needs

are more readily addressed. I believe the general population has an easier time

understanding the needs of parishioners with those issues, as opposed to

developmental issues.

Please know that the church is made up of people who, being human, are

imperfect. But God is perfect and loves everyone--and especially our precious

children--even more than we do. It breaks my heart to think that there could be

children out there who feel that God doesn't love them...when that is absolutely

NOT true!

Churches definitely need to accept the challenge, get creative and " step up to

the plate " --especially with the huge increase in the number of autism cases.

Some are starting to. If you go to www.joniandfriends.org, there is a link on

that site which lists churches all over the country which have special needs

ministries and disability programs. Here's hoping more and more jump on board,

because the kids--and families--definitely need the support.

Heidi

-------------- Original message ----------------------

> I understand how you feel Ettina, my children have all participated

> in socializing through church programs. One of the things my son said

> to me,as he repeats eveything was " god says your a retard " . He

> couldnt stop saying it. I was very distressed by it. One of the first

> places he was banned from was sunday school because of his behaviors

> and no contact with attending children had been filed.

> Best wishes,

> Tishanne

> In AutismBehaviorProblems ,

> " abnormaldiversity " wrote:

> >

> > > I have never been very big into church or religion, but I needed

> > > something and I needed a " family " to be around. Not to mention a

> > > place I could go and feel comfortable where people didn't judge

> me

> > > and they loved my son. I found great church in my town and it

> has

> > > saved me. I can go on Sunday and leave my children in the

> daycare

> > > and be alone for an hour to listen to attend church. Everyone is

> > > so excepting of him. They all love him and they have treated him

> > > better than I do sometimes.

> >

> > You're so lucky!

> > I was told by my very Christian teachers that I was bad and God

> hated

> > me for acting the way I did. When (partly due to them) I became an

> > atheist at 8 years old, they kept trying to make me believe in God

> > again and only turned me more against religion. It's to the point

> > that I get terrified if people tell me things like 'Jesus loves

> you'

> > or that accepting God will make my life better - I was hurt so much

> > by my teachers that I can't tell if the person's well-meaning as

> > opposed to trying to hurt me.

> > You're lucky you and your son have been accepted so well by the

> > church community.

> > Ettina

> >

>

>

>

I understand how you feel Ettina, my children have all participated

in socializing through church programs. One of the things my son said

to me,as he repeats eveything was " god says your a retard " . He

couldnt stop saying it. I was very distressed by it. One of the first

places he was banned from was sunday school because of his behaviors

and no contact with attending children had been filed.

Best wishes,

Tishanne

In AutismBehaviorProblems ,

" abnormaldiversity " wrote:

>

> > I have never been very big into church or religion, but I needed

> > something and I needed a " family " to be around. Not to mention a

> > place I could go and feel comfortable where people didn't judge

me

> > and they loved my son. I found great church in my town and it

has

> > saved me. I can go on Sunday and leave my children in the

daycare

> > and be alone for an hour to listen to attend church. Everyone is

> > so excepting of him. They all love him and they have treated him

> > better than I do sometimes.

>

> You're so lucky!

> I was told by my very Christian teachers that I was bad and God

hated

> me for acting the way I did. When (partly due to them) I became an

> atheist at 8 years old, they kept trying to make me believe in God

> again and only turned me more against religion. It's to the point

> that I get terrified if people tell me things like 'Jesus loves

you'

> or that accepting God will make my life better - I was hurt so much

> by my teachers that I can't tell if the person's well-meaning as

> opposed to trying to hurt me.

> You're lucky you and your son have been accepted so well by the

> church community.

> Ettina

>

[Guest guest]

I am sad that anyone would say you are bad, and saying that God hated you because of it?! Makes me really sad. An author I recommend highly is Yancy...

If anyone could be hated for anything it would be me, actually it would be everyone...I've made so many mistakes. So many things I would go back and re-do. But you know what...He loves me. I know you don't like to hear it about you, so I won't go there But I do know that He loves me...not because I deserve it, but because He is LOVE, because he formed me in my mother's womb...he loves me....

Shame on that teacher, shame on her. God's intent was that all children be allowed to come to him...."do not hinder them..." She hindered you, and my prayer is for her...as that is not looked highly upon by my precious Lord.

Just so you know....upon reading your email, I felt tremendous love for you --- If I, a mere human felt that....I cannot imagine how much more God feels it.

blessings to you sweet lady.

e

[Guest guest]

I just finished reading all the responses on the thread.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I am so sorry

some of you are going through what I am too. I feel like I have to be

so strong and tough on the outside, when I'm crumbling down on the inside.

I am feeling better. I just try to walk away and go in my room for a bit.

I went to a psychotherapist today. I was supposed to be there for my

son and talk about him, which I did. Then I broke down and had to let

it out. She said she would do what she can to help. I think I am gonna

go back to her.

I seem to cry in spurts and at any time, especially when I think about

it, like right now, or if I hear a sad song, etc.

The therapist today listened to my story of the last 6 years, from our

son getting shingles at age 2, to being hospitalized at age 4.5 for 6

months to get treatment because we didn't know what was wrong with him.

She thinks we should get him a blood test for lyme disease. She was

very surprised by everything I said, and she said that she and other

people have had similar experiences. She found out her son has lyme

disease, and after treatment with antibiotics, he is showing symptoms

of improving. She said that a lot of children who have combined

behaviors/disorders can get like that from lyme. She explained Lyme

Disease has very similar symptoms to those of all my son has.

Has anyone heard of this?? My son has tourette syndrome, pdd, adhd,

anxiety disorder, and ODD.

>

> I just am at my wits end with him. We have had such a horrible month

> with his tantrums, lack of listening, hurting his sister.

>

> I sometimes just want to give up. I can't stand him anymore. I hate

> myself for thinking like this. It's been 8 years like this. I hate my

> marriage. We argue all the time because of him.

>

> I just feel like I want to give him up. I can't take it anymore!!!!

>

> I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown, my head hurts all the

> time, I can't sleep, I don't even like to have him around me.

>

> Is this normal? I don't feel normal right now. I feel like I'm ready

> to have a stroke, I've got chest pains and I can feel my blood

> pressure rising.

>

> I just want to GIVE UP!!

>

> Our home has been broken, I feel like either running away or just dying.

>

> I don't like to feel like this, but I don't know what to do anymore

> with him.

>

> What do I do??

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Ettina,I would like to share with you my comfort philosophy, being

a humanitarian in the face of adversity. If the world was only full

of a clone of yourself and it was a better place then be yourself. If

life is divinity in all and love is the expression of divinity in all

life, then love all life.

By grace the wind is blowing,

By grace unity,

Best wishes,

Tishanne

>

> You're so lucky! I was told by my very Christian teachers that I

was

> bad and God hated me for acting the way I did. When (partly due to

> them) I became an atheist at 8 years old, they kept trying to make

me

> believe in God again and only turned me more against religion. It's

> to the point that I get terrified if people tell me things

> like 'Jesus loves you' or that accepting God will make my life

> better - I was hurt so much by my teachers that I can't tell if the

> person's well-meaning as opposed to trying to hurt me. You're

lucky

> you and your son have been accepted so well by the church community.

> Ettina

> ----------------------------------------------------------------

> This is so unacceptable! You may not know much of what the Bible

> says, but it very clearly says that what they did to you was

WRONG!!!

>

> " Do not judge, or you too will be judged. " ~ 7:1

> " And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to

> sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a

> large millstone tied around his neck. " ~Mark 9:42

>

> If God 'hates' anything, it's sin, but he does not hate the

sinner!

> Those hypocrites who said that to you were no better or more godly

> than you were. In fact, at 8-yrs-old, you were probably closer to

> divinity than they were, for Jesus said, " Let the little children

> come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs

to

> such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive

the

> kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. " (Mark

10:14-

> 15)

>

> It makes me just sick to think of what you went through!!! I'm not

> going to tell you, " Go to church, get saved, etc... " If you want

> more info, feel free to ask. But it was important to me to let you

> know that you were hurt and wronged, and that it wasn't fair to

you.

> We have so much in life to deal with, without others spewing their

> poison on us as well! You deal with your life however you want,

but

> know this -- they lied to you. You have never been hated!!!

>

> Either way, anyone on this message board is here because of dealing

> with life outside of the boundaries of 'normal'. We are judged

> everywhere we turn. Either we have those who treat us badly

because

> our children 'misbehave', or we even have others judging us by how

we

> live with ASD -- " What do you mean you don't have him on

medication?

> You have to, or he won't get better! " Yada, yada... Each one of

us

> knows that our children are as unique as snowflakes. What works

for

> one won't necessarily work for another. Just as some are calmer

and

> higher-functioning, others aren't. But no matter where you/your

> child falls on the spectrum, they are loved and appreciated for who

> they are as an individual. They aren't loved 'despite' their

> differences, but because of them. My son drives me crazy at

times!

> But I love his unique quirks. He's intelligent, and funny, and his

> literalness can lead to great sensitivity at times.

>

> I guess I'm rambling now, but I love all children, and am deeply

> upset to hear of any child being harmed -- by words or actions.

I'm

> sorry if I said anything offensive to you here, but this is who I

> am. I'm not looking to change, just to grow...

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,I think its amazing how open and self aware you are.

Sometimes stress comes in a break thru moment and floods us with

psychotic episodes. We all contain that reservoir,heart and mind.

Usually we keep a well built dam from sleep,food and relationships

and health,laughter. All it ever takes is a small crisis to put a

crack in the dam. A few stressors like not sleeping or eating take

are defences away from mending the crack and we get wiped out with

the flood of heart and mind when the dam breaks. Escaping into

dreamscapes or away from reality is a way of stepping outside of our

broken selves. It takes time for the reservoir to refill if your

energy is tapped with the needs{output}of family life rather then

having our needs met{input}. Medication is a way of repairing the

crack. Finding a cure or way to reverse autism in your child or

others is a noble act of motherhood. Gathering information is a way

of securing hope for your child,yourself,family. When you are sleep

deprived the mind goes into auto-pilot and trys to free itself from

input. If this cant be done by needs of the body,sleep,eating ect.

then it disassociates. Its your mind freeing itself to care for your

body. Its easily accomplished thru abstract thoughts,hallucinations

and breakdowns. Its as old as old can be and can be good too. From

ancient shamans to neo cultures its been found. It can be easily

accepted by ourselves in dreams in sleep,visions in meditation,art

work or music because we feel more in control then. When I have been

in crisis,lacking sleep,not crying,laughing or eating or overwhelmed

with work,family and chores,traffic,money,diapers,relationship on

hold or a crisis I have seen things,heard things, felt things,tasted

things,smelled things no one else could sense. I am very intuitive

and spiritual. Its hard to stay grounded in reality if your reality

is not what you envisioned it to be or hoped for. When you find the

right tool you will repair your dam. For now if you open the tool box

and its full of monkey wrenches you are tool shopping at therapy.

Keep exchanging those monkey wrenches for the tools you need. Be

patient with yourself while you envision your new life and find the

right tools. When you have the right tools you will step back in.

When you can relax you will stay. I hope you have many wonderful

thoughts of your reservior filling this day and all the days that

follow.

Best wishes,

Tishanne

- In AutismBehaviorProblems , Suryadeth

wrote:

>

> I am on on Lictamal or generic term is Lamotrigine, this causes my

mood to stabilize and delay episodes that may arise, but is used for

people who have epilepsy to contain their seizures...it seems that

all the stress with my 4 kids in diapers/working a full time

job, drove the bi-polar out in me causing me to have a manic

depression, no eating, no sleeping for weeks.  Then I got caught up

on reading on the internet about reversing autism thru Generation

Rescue and got totally obsessed with finding all about Dan doctors,

detox, (needless to say I never took my son to one, but still am

curious, to scared) blah blah blah and then finally drove myself to a

crisis center when I had a full blown episode. My best friend is on

Prozac and she is quite content with that.Any how, I think my meds

are working now and see a Psychologist for therapy.  When I had my

episode, I was put on Haldo(for hallucinations) and Lithium (for Bi-

Polar).

> Has anyone ever drove themselves crazy/insane or had Bi-polar or

Pyschosis or had a manic episode from being so obsessed with helping

our Autisitic kids? Also, has anyone ever started hearing or seeing

things?  Please share.

>  

> Thanks,

>

>

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: OK, I feel horrible and hate myself for

thinking this

> To: AutismBehaviorProblems

> Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 8:30 AM

>

> Wow, I wish I had read this yesterday. I had a day like that

yesterday. My

> son refused to do his homework for no apparent reason, and threw

tantrum

> after tantrum for HOURS. Crying, threatening to run away, it was a

mess. I

> just wanted to run away. On top of all this, he smacked his sister

when she

> was just trying to help, and I thought I was going to go insane. I

am a

> SAHM and we don't have friends or family in the area so I'm truly

> alone. I

> can't even leave my kids alone with my husband because he loses his

temper.

>

> Anyway, I know how you feel and I'll be praying for you!

> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

>

>

>

> OK, I feel horrible and hate myself for

thinking this

>

>

> >I just am at my wits end with him. We have had such a horrible

month

> > with his tantrums, lack of listening, hurting his sister.

> >

> > I sometimes just want to give up. I can't stand him anymore. I

hate

> > myself for thinking like this. It's been 8 years like this. I

hate my

> > marriage. We argue all the time because of him.

> >

> > I just feel like I want to give him up. I can't take it

anymore!!!!

> >

> > I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown, my head hurts all

the

> > time, I can't sleep, I don't even like to have him around me.

> >

> > Is this normal? I don't feel normal right now. I feel like I'm

> ready

> > to have a stroke, I've got chest pains and I can feel my blood

> > pressure rising.

> >

> > I just want to GIVE UP!!

> >

> > Our home has been broken, I feel like either running away or just

dying.

> >

> > I don't like to feel like this, but I don't know what to do

> anymore

> > with him.

> >

> > What do I do??

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Becky,I hope things have been good today for you and your family. I

think you are right about your son not being able to tell you how he

is treated being a reason to wait things out if you can. If you can

handle your son then you shouldnt go against your feelings. I hope

you find away to keep your family together. Do you have anyone,family

or friends close by who can help? I am in Washington,what state are

you in? Its really hard for me to be on the phone for more then a

couple minutes. I have dialup internet. Its pretty slow but I can IM.

What IM are you on? At what times?

Best wishes

Tishanne

> >

> > From: <alli110200@ ...>

> > Subject: Re: OK, I feel horrible and hate myself for

> thinking this

> > To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) com

> > Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 8:30 AM

> >

> > Wow, I wish I had read this yesterday. I had a day like that

> yesterday. My

> > son refused to do his homework for no apparent reason, and threw

> tantrum

> > after tantrum for HOURS. Crying, threatening to run away, it was a

> mess. I

> > just wanted to run away. On top of all this, he smacked his sister

> when she

> > was just trying to help, and I thought I was going to go insane. I

> am a

> > SAHM and we don't have friends or family in the area so I'm truly

> > alone. I

> > can't even leave my kids alone with my husband because he loses

his

> temper.

> >

> > Anyway, I know how you feel and I'll be praying for you!

> > {{{{{{{{{{{{ {{{hugs}} }}}}}}}}} }}}

> >

> >

> >

> > OK, I feel horrible and hate myself for

> thinking this

> >

> >

> > >I just am at my wits end with him. We have had such a horrible

month

> > > with his tantrums, lack of listening, hurting his sister.

> > >

> > > I sometimes just want to give up. I can't stand him anymore. I

hate

> > > myself for thinking like this. It's been 8 years like this. I

hate my

> > > marriage. We argue all the time because of him.

> > >

> > > I just feel like I want to give him up. I can't take it

anymore!!!!

> > >

> > > I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown, my head hurts

all the

> > > time, I can't sleep, I don't even like to have him around me.

> > >

> > > Is this normal? I don't feel normal right now. I feel like I'm

> > ready

> > > to have a stroke, I've got chest pains and I can feel my blood

> > > pressure rising.

> > >

> > > I just want to GIVE UP!!

> > >

> > > Our home has been broken, I feel like either running away or

just

> dying.

> > >

> > > I don't like to feel like this, but I don't know what to do

> > anymore

> > > with him.

> > >

> > > What do I do?? :(

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------ --------- --------- ------

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

i have yahoo messanger.my is becky_for_you.i know that it is hard on my hubby but he is ready for him to go somewhere and im not.

Subject: Re: OK, I feel horrible and hate myself for thinking thisTo: AutismBehaviorProblems Date: Saturday, October 4, 2008, 5:32 AM

Becky,I hope things have been good today for you and your family. I think you are right about your son not being able to tell you how he is treated being a reason to wait things out if you can. If you can handle your son then you shouldnt go against your feelings. I hope you find away to keep your family together. Do you have anyone,family or friends close by who can help? I am in Washington,what state are you in? Its really hard for me to be on the phone for more then a couple minutes. I have dialup internet. Its pretty slow but I can IM. What IM are you on? At what times?Best wishesTishanne> > > > From: <alli110200@ ...>> > Subject: Re: OK, I feel horrible and hate myself for> thinking this> > To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) com> > Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 8:30 AM> > > > Wow, I wish I had read this yesterday. I had a day like that> yesterday. My > > son refused to do his homework for no apparent reason, and threw> tantrum > > after tantrum for HOURS. Crying, threatening to run away, it was a> mess. I > > just wanted to run away. On top of all this, he smacked his sister> when she > > was just trying to help, and I thought I was going to go insane. I> am a > > SAHM and we don't have friends or family in the area so I'm truly> > alone. I > > can't even leave my kids alone with my husband because he loses

his> temper.> > > > Anyway, I know how you feel and I'll be praying for you! > > {{{{{{{{{{{{ {{{hugs}} }}}}}}}}} }}}> > > > > > > > OK, I feel horrible and hate myself for> thinking this> > > > > > >I just am at my wits end with him. We have had such a horrible month> > > with his tantrums, lack of listening, hurting his sister.> > >> > > I sometimes just want to give up. I can't stand him anymore. I hate> > > myself for thinking like this. It's been 8 years like this. I hate my> > > marriage. We argue all the time

because of him.> > >> > > I just feel like I want to give him up. I can't take it anymore!!!!> > >> > > I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown, my head hurts all the> > > time, I can't sleep, I don't even like to have him around me.> > >> > > Is this normal? I don't feel normal right now. I feel like I'm> > ready> > > to have a stroke, I've got chest pains and I can feel my blood> > > pressure rising.> > >> > > I just want to GIVE UP!!> > >> > > Our home has been broken, I feel like either running away or just> dying.> > >> > > I don't like to feel like this, but I don't know what to do> > anymore> > > with him.> > >> > > What do I do?? :(> > >> >

>> > > ------------ --------- --------- ------> > >> > >