Guest guest Posted January 30, 2003 Report Share Posted January 30, 2003 > > Does anyone else have this problem, and is there anything to be done > about it short of never going out anywhere? I think it is the nature of those of us on the spectrum to be blunt. It is very hard to not be without thinking about everything you say before you say it rather than blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, which is the usual practice. Anything to be done? Could you ask around to find out if there are any similar classes with a different teacher? I've never taken " social skills " classes, but there is a class coming up that I am thinking of taking, and it's being taught by a person who has a lot of experience working with socially " awkward " people. It's for people with AS, ADHD, social phobia or who just doesn't have a handle on social skills. I like her and I trust her not to do anything frightening. You might also look into " life skills " classes. I found them very helpful. They teach communication skills, but again it depends on the person who runs it and whether their style of teaching fits with what you find comfortable. Iris Iris Gray, Puff, Calli and Munchkin Most women use vacuum cleaners. I rent a forklift. --Jane Yeats, " Sudden Blow " Personal website: http://victoria.tc.ca/~rainbow/ Toastmasters website: http://victoria.tc.ca/Community/Bb/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2003 Report Share Posted January 30, 2003 Norah wrote: >Well, I quit that social skills class. Part of the reason was >because the teacher would call on us to ask if we knew what some >concept meant, and this was very scary for me. Either I couldn't >think of it due to fear, or I never learned it, which was >embarrassing. Why couldn't you just say, " I don't know " ? >I think that my main problem is saying things I know I shouldn't, and >being afraid to say anything in most cases. For instance, at work >today telling a customer " You need to take care of this difference on >your account " instead of saying it more nicely, since they were a >good-paying customer and had complained about me before. > >Does anyone else have this problem, and is there anything to be done >about it short of never going out anywhere? I try to emulate my sister . She has learned that things go better for her in many situations if she acts as if the most positive possible " spin " on everything is the actual fact. She does this even when she is sure the reality is much less rosy. The result is that even grouchy people finding themselves liking her, and she doesn't have to put up with all the internal acid that builds up from anger and frustration. She doesn't let people take advantage of her, but she re-interprets things so they are the way she prefers them. For example, if I saw someone littering, either I'd not be able to think of what to do/say, or else I'd come out with a lecture and alienate the person (possibly even reaping abuse on myself). My sister would put on her friendliest, brightest voice and call out, " Oh, wait, you've droped something. " She would pick it up and give it back to them saying something likd, " If you want to throw this away, I think there's a trash can over there. " Somehow she manages to do this without seeming saccharine at all. When I went to visit her last year, she took me out to a restaurant for dinner. We had to wait a long time after we sat down before anyone came to take our order, and then it took the food a long time to come. I would have felt paranoid ( " why aren't they serving us? " ) and resentful, but my sister just sat there, completely relaxed, and talked in her friendly way. When the food came eventually, she was very gracious (in a nice, simple way) in talking to the waiter. By the time we had eaten and were ready to leave, everyone was smiling at her and going out of their way to be friendly. I'm not saying it's easy, just that (when I think of it), I try to use her method when it seems possible. Today at work I had to call and ask someone for some information. I was trying to pull together a big project composed of bits of info from many different people. That's always frustrating, and I'd just gotten myself pretty near my explosion level by trying to use web pages and the U's directory to enable me to get this particular bit of info by email instead of phone (because I hate phoning). The web pages and the directory had been unhelpful in a way that truly did seem deliberate. And then my call was intercepted by a voice-mail-hell system! By the time I was taking to the right person, I'm sure my voice sounded angry. She was pausing while she looked something up and suddenly said, " How is your day going? " in a nice way. I was surprised, but her question did remind me that I really wasn't angry at her. And of course, she must have been feeling uncomfortable (the way NT people do) about the anger in my voice, which wasn't fair to her. So I did my best to make my voice more light/ " conversational " and said something about " oh, I'm having a frustrating time trying to get this project done. " That way, I figure she would understand that I was frustrated in general, not mad at her. Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2003 Report Share Posted January 30, 2003 > > Reply-To: AutisticSpectrumTreeHouse > Date: Thu, 30 Jan 2003 11:48:18 -0800 (PST) > To: AutisticSpectrumTreeHouse > Subject: Re: Social skills > > I think it is the nature of those of us on the spectrum to be blunt. It is > very hard to not be without thinking about everything you say before you > say it rather than blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, which > is the usual practice. Yes, I agree with you there. But this does seem to happen more when I'm under stress! > > Anything to be done? Could you ask around to find out if there are any > similar classes with a different teacher? I've never taken " social skills " > classes, but there is a class coming up that I am thinking of taking, and > it's being taught by a person who has a lot of experience working with > socially " awkward " people. It's for people with AS, ADHD, social phobia or > who just doesn't have a handle on social skills. I like her and I trust > her not to do anything frightening. Yes, that's a good idea. There was one I took a few years ago for people with social phobia (this was before I heard about AS), and it was actually helpful and I don't remember even being that afraid to respond. They didn't ask us questions about a particular social skill, but we got to practice things that were hard for us. I know this teacher/therapist last year had monthly classes like this-I might check with him. I guess what scares me is this class is to teach social skills, and the teacher, to get us to participate, was asking us how we did certain social things. He might've asked me a little more because I'm older than the other two people in the class and maybe he thought I'd know more, but I didn't, or at least I didn't know how to answer the question as he asked it except to say I didn't know, and it was embarrassing. > > You might also look into " life skills " classes. I found them very helpful. > They teach communication skills, but again it depends on the person who > runs it and whether their style of teaching fits with what you find > comfortable. I'd heard of those but thought they were for teaching one how to deal with money, budgeting & so on? Thanks for the suggestions. Norah > > Iris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2003 Report Share Posted January 30, 2003 > > Reply-To: AutisticSpectrumTreeHouse > Date: Thu, 30 Jan 2003 19:10:33 -0800 > To: AutisticSpectrumTreeHouse > Subject: Re: Social skills > > Norah wrote: >> Well, I quit that social skills class. Part of the reason was >> because the teacher would call on us to ask if we knew what some >> concept meant, and this was very scary for me. Either I couldn't >> think of it due to fear, or I never learned it, which was >> embarrassing. > > Why couldn't you just say, " I don't know " ? I did, but it was embarrassing that I didn't know the thing he was asking about!!! > > > I try to emulate my sister . She has learned that > things go better for her in many situations if she acts > as if the most positive possible " spin " on everything > is the actual fact. She does this even when she is sure > the reality is much less rosy. The result is that even > grouchy people finding themselves liking her, and she > doesn't have to put up with all the internal acid that > builds up from anger and frustration. She doesn't let > people take advantage of her, but she re-interprets > things so they are the way she prefers them. For > example, if I saw someone littering, either I'd not > be able to think of what to do/say, or else I'd come > out with a lecture and alienate the person (possibly > even reaping abuse on myself). My sister would put on > her friendliest, brightest voice and call out, " Oh, > wait, you've droped something. " She would pick it up > and give it back to them saying something likd, " If > you want to throw this away, I think there's a trash > can over there. " Somehow she manages to do this > without seeming saccharine at all. Wow!!! That's really an amazing skill to be able to do that. I don't know if I'd even think about doing that at the time though--if I saw something like that I'd probably not think to do it, but now that you've described it maybe I can try to think about it next time I'm in a situation like that. > > When I went to visit her last year, she took me out to > a restaurant for dinner. We had to wait a long time > after we sat down before anyone came to take our order, > and then it took the food a long time to come. I would > have felt paranoid ( " why aren't they serving us? " ) and > resentful, but my sister just sat there, completely > relaxed, and talked in her friendly way. When the > food came eventually, she was very gracious (in a nice, > simple way) in talking to the waiter. By the time > we had eaten and were ready to leave, everyone was > smiling at her and going out of their way to be > friendly. That's great!! I know I'd probably be all upset and think they were doing it on purpose or something. It's something to think about next time similar things happen to me. > > I'm not saying it's easy, just that (when I think of > it), I try to use her method when it seems possible. > > Today at work I had to call and ask someone for some > information. I was trying to pull together a big > project composed of bits of info from many different > people. That's always frustrating, and I'd just > gotten myself pretty near my explosion level by > trying to use web pages and the U's directory to > enable me to get this particular bit of info by > email instead of phone (because I hate phoning). > The web pages and the directory had been unhelpful > in a way that truly did seem deliberate. Aarrggh, I hate web pages that are hard to extract information from. I can imagine how you must've felt!! >And then > my call was intercepted by a voice-mail-hell > system! Ugh! Those are very frustrating. I get stuck in them in my job sometimes too, especially when I have to call banks. >By the time I was taking to the right > person, I'm sure my voice sounded angry. She was > pausing while she looked something up and suddenly > said, " How is your day going? " in a nice way. I > was surprised, but her question did remind me that > I really wasn't angry at her. And of course, she > must have been feeling uncomfortable (the way NT > people do) about the anger in my voice, which wasn't > fair to her. So I did my best to make my voice more > light/ " conversational " and said something about " oh, > I'm having a frustrating time trying to get this > project done. " That way, I figure she would understand > that I was frustrated in general, not mad at her. That was a great way to handle it!! I know I sometimes sound frustrated over the phone when I get in situations like that, and it's sometimes hard to remember to do this. I also sometimes get someone on the other end that sounds angry, and I always think it's about me (and it may be, because I'm calling businesses to collect money most of the time, but it's not at me personally, just the situation.) Anyway, I can sure relate to your experience today! Norah > > Jane > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2003 Report Share Posted January 31, 2003 > I'd heard of those but thought they were for teaching one how to deal with > money, budgeting & so on? The name " life skills " seems to mean different things in different places. When it's offered to former mental patients by my city's mental hospital, it does mean that. When it's offered by organizations like the women's job-reentry program I took, it seems to mean something else. Sorry if I confused you! Iris Iris Gray, Puff, Calli and Munchkin Most women use vacuum cleaners. I rent a forklift. --Jane Yeats, " Sudden Blow " Personal website: http://victoria.tc.ca/~rainbow/ Toastmasters website: http://victoria.tc.ca/Community/Bb/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2003 Report Share Posted January 31, 2003 No problem! Norah > > Reply-To: AutisticSpectrumTreeHouse > Date: Fri, 31 Jan 2003 00:03:43 -0800 (PST) > To: AutisticSpectrumTreeHouse > Subject: Re: Social skills > > The name " life skills " seems to mean different things in different places. > When it's offered to former mental patients by my city's mental hospital, > it does mean that. When it's offered by organizations like the women's > job-reentry program I took, it seems to mean something else. Sorry if I > confused you! > > Iris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2003 Report Share Posted January 31, 2003 In the good old days of my youth, one learnt (note irregular British past tense) maths (with an " s " ), reading, writing, geography, phsyics, chemistry, biology, history, English literature, sociology, psychology etc Now kids acquire number skills, reading skills, writing skills, science skills, IT skills and social skills. A poster in the community lounge of my children's school invites children to boost their self-esteem and learn new social and presentation skills. As the old adage goes, it's not what you say, but the way you say it and that's being drummed into children's heads. So there's nothing wrong with dsicriminating against people you don't like as long as you use the right politically correct and supercool language and deny all prejudice. I had long pondered whether I should go on one of these social skills courses, most totally beyond my meagre financial means. I remember in my last job I admitted I had had problems with social interaction, so my HR manager said she would help me build my soft skills. Nothing happened and she would just return my ritual salutations. What we need is social awareness courses to teach us how people deceive others. Neil Re: Social skills > > > > I'd heard of those but thought they were for teaching one how to deal with > > money, budgeting & so on? > > The name " life skills " seems to mean different things in different places. > When it's offered to former mental patients by my city's mental hospital, > it does mean that. When it's offered by organizations like the women's > job-reentry program I took, it seems to mean something else. Sorry if I > confused you! > > Iris > > Iris Gray, Puff, Calli and Munchkin > Most women use vacuum cleaners. I rent a forklift. > --Jane Yeats, " Sudden Blow " > Personal website: http://victoria.tc.ca/~rainbow/ > Toastmasters website: http://victoria.tc.ca/Community/Bb/ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2003 Report Share Posted January 31, 2003 This is the approach I've been taking lately, unfortunately > is there anything to be done > about it short of never going out anywhere? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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