Re: AS Couples, How do you do it?

[Guest guest]

Now, I have exactly zero experience with this... but here are my opinions

anyway.

ViridianThumm@... wrote:

> How do you manage to even just be together in the same house? How do you

> manage when one has needs for solitude while the other may have a need to

> talk?

I have thought about this. Having two people that are easy to irritate, rigid,

and often with anxiety problems under the same roof seems sort of difficult,

and it probably would be. To my way of thinking, the only way would be to sort

of have a set of rules. If I was living with someone (I mean a female type

person that is more than " just a " friend), I think having separate rooms for

each would be a good idea. Using the same bedroom forces a kind of closeness

and lack of privacy that I would not be able to handle full-time. Even if you

are in the sort of relationship where you always sleep in the same bed, it

would be good to have a place into which each party could withdraw and shut the

door. Such a thing may seem bizarre to NTs, but that is not relevant. There

is no need to confine ourselves to the way that everyone else does it. That is

irrelevant.

For me, a closed door to my bedroom means Do Not Disturb. I lived with a

roommate for seven years, and that was how we did it. When one person wants to

be alone, that overrules everything else, except in extreme cases. If one

person is holed up in the room and the other wants to talk, the talk will have

to wait until later, unless it is very important. In this way, both parties

will be secure that they can withdraw from contact if they need to do so, and

the keeping of separate quarters reduces incidental contact. These will reduce

the likelihood, or at least the frequency, with which the partners will have to

withdraw.

> How do you manage varying physical needs?

Physical as in hugging or cuddling, or as in sex? Neither party should ever be

coerced or pressured into contact he or she does not want. That can lead to

resentment and feelings of being used.

> How do you manage when one

> has certain sensory shutdown times when the other may have contrasting

> sensory needs?

The one that is not in shutdown mode should understand how it feels, and how

you just want to go recover for a while. The need to go recover from shutdown

or meltdown is a real need... I do not think that desire to be touched or to

have contact is a need so much as a want, under normal circumstances anyway.

> Since communication problems in the NT world seem to abound

> anyway, I am wondering about just how possibly realistic AS/AS relationships

> can be?

In my opinion, an AS/AS relationship would seem more feasible than an AS/NT

one. I have so little in common with NTs, I would not even know where to

start. If you think that getting an AS person to understand the need for

solitude sometimes, or tactile defensiveness, et cetera, try explaining all

that to an NT that has never felt those things. From what I understand, NTs

usually want to make the need for solitude into being about them. NTs think

that if things are right, you would not need solitude. They don't understand

how we can get overloaded, and sometimes need to sit and recover.

NTs feel so much older than me. I feel like I am talking to my mother when I

talk to NTs my age. I am such a child in many ways... sometimes the silly

child behavior is too much to resist. In public I am somewhat less inclined to

be really silly, but at home, I am not going to continue my adult act (and it

is an act). Home is home, and I will not do any acting there. Most NTs would

run for cover if I were to act like myself in their presence. They do not

understand why I still like toys (although most of the time I just stare at

them rather than play with them), my perseverations, my stims (verbal and

physical), nor do they agree with my outlook on many things. They play by a

different (and inane) set of rules. In short, I find it seriously doubtful

that I could even get an NT to go with me, let alone move in. It's not as

difficult in reverse, when the male is the NT, as I understand. But why waste

a perfectly good AS female on an NT male? <g>

[Guest guest]

<< Even if you

are in the sort of relationship where you always sleep in the same bed, it

would be good to have a place into which each party could withdraw and shut

the

door. Such a thing may seem bizarre to NTs, but that is not relevant. There

is no need to confine ourselves to the way that everyone else does it. That

is

irrelevant.

For me, a closed door to my bedroom means Do Not Disturb. I lived with a

roommate for seven years, and that was how we did it. When one person wants

to

be alone, that overrules everything else, except in extreme cases. If one

person is holed up in the room and the other wants to talk, the talk will

have

to wait until later, unless it is very important. In this way, both parties

will be secure that they can withdraw from contact if they need to do so, and

the keeping of separate quarters reduces incidental contact. These will

reduce

the likelihood, or at least the frequency, with which the partners will have

to

withdraw.

> How do you manage varying physical needs?

Physical as in hugging or cuddling, or as in sex? Neither party should ever

be

coerced or pressured into contact he or she does not want. That can lead to

resentment and feelings of being used.

> How do you manage when one

> has certain sensory shutdown times when the other may have contrasting

> sensory needs?

The one that is not in shutdown mode should understand how it feels, and how

you just want to go recover for a while. The need to go recover from

shutdown

or meltdown is a real need... I do not think that desire to be touched or to

have contact is a need so much as a want, under normal circumstances anyway.

> Since communication problems in the NT world seem to abound

> anyway, I am wondering about just how possibly realistic AS/AS

relationships

> can be?

In my opinion, an AS/AS relationship would seem more feasible than an AS/NT

one. I have so little in common with NTs, I would not even know where to

start. If you think that getting an AS person to understand the need for

solitude sometimes, or tactile defensiveness, et cetera, try explaining all

that to an NT that has never felt those things. From what I understand, NTs

usually want to make the need for solitude into being about them. NTs think

that if things are right, you would not need solitude. They don't understand

how we can get overloaded, and sometimes need to sit and recover.

NTs feel so much older than me. I feel like I am talking to my mother when I

talk to NTs my age. I am such a child in many ways... sometimes the silly

child behavior is too much to resist. In public I am somewhat less inclined

to

be really silly, but at home, I am not going to continue my adult act (and it

is an act). Home is home, and I will not do any acting there. Most NTs

would

run for cover if I were to act like myself in their presence. They do not

understand why I still like toys (although most of the time I just stare at

them rather than play with them), my perseverations, my stims (verbal and

physical), nor do they agree with my outlook on many things. They play by a

different (and inane) set of rules. In short, I find it seriously doubtful

that I could even get an NT to go with me, let alone move in. It's not as

difficult in reverse, when the male is the NT, as I understand. But why

waste

a perfectly good AS female on an NT male? <g>

>>

[Guest guest]

At 06:32 PM 12/18/01 -0500, you wrote:

> How do you manage to even just be together in the same house?

Here are the comments I made on my homepages about my marriage:

" My marriage is a VERY good one, though perhaps a bit different than most.

It is based as much on mutual respect as love. My emotions are limited both

in quantity and intensity. I consider myself very lucky to have found

someone I can comfortably share, not only my life but, my personal space

with. "

" After seeing how well they traveled together, they returned to PEI and

went back to the land together. is quite different from me but *I*

would not hesitate to put him on the spectrum. Because he had a speech

delay, I would put him on the high end of high functioning autism as

opposed to Aspergers. "

The secret here is, somehow, I found that someone I could " comfortably "

share " my personal space with " . Chances are that phrase would go right over

the heads of NTs. It's simple and yet I can't explain it, it just is.

After miles of solo hitchhiking and traveling around I was amazed that I

was able to travel with him for SIX MONTHS through all manner of adventure

and find it EASY. That's a lot of personal space to share, even if the

wilderness was our house.

> How do you

>manage when one has needs for solitude while the other may have a need to

>talk?

Neither of us are " talkers " . A need for Solitude now means escaping the

kids. has a workshop in the barn. It's his escape. I have this little

room with my pc in it. This is a good deterrent. If I need more than this I

can put " in charge " and go to my room, go for a drive, walk .....

>How do you manage varying physical needs?

I echo : " Physical as in hugging or cuddling, or as in sex? " Neither

of us are overly physical but we have 4 kids so I guess we've had sex at

least 4 times Expand on your question and I'll expand on my answer.

>How do you manage when one

>has certain sensory shutdown times when the other may have contrasting

>sensory needs?

We take care of ourselves. We did not get married to take care of

eachother. I guess it's the mutual respect thing we have going. I am who I

am and he is who he is. We live together. We do our thing. When we need to

co operate we do. But mostly we are two individuals going their own thing.

I deal with my needs and he deals with his. If he spends 3 hours in the

barn after work, not coming in for supper or to help the kids with their

homework, I leave him there unless I NEED him. If I get up and say " you

make supper and do homework " and go to my room, he does. On some sensory

stuff we compromise, like light bulb wattage.

> Since communication problems in the NT world seem to abound

>anyway, I am wondering about just how possibly realistic AS/AS relationships

>can be?

Neither of us talk much.

You talk when you cease to be at peace

with your thoughts;

And when you can no longer dwell in the

solitude of your heart, you live in your lips,

and sound is a diversion and a pastime.

And in much of your talking, thinking

is half murdered.

-Gibran

We talk when it is necessary and sometimes share a story. We weren't

talkers to begin with and now that we have kids we have to talk to I don't

think we have much left (in words or energy) to say to eachother. But it

isn't necessary, we're in tune on some level, we have a good relationship

and everything around here runs smoothly.

>

>Nanne

-jypsy

________________________________

Ooops....Wrong Planet! Syndrome

Autism Spectrum Resources

http://www.isn.net/~jypsy

jypsy@...

[Guest guest]

Nanne wrote:

>How do you manage to even just be together in the same house?

When I feel comfortable, familiar and safe enough with someone, it is no

problem having them around (for the most part). However, I have to say that

it isn't too often that I feel this way. The only ones in my life I have

felt this way about are my friend and roommate Janice (before she turned her

control freak ways on me), my children, and my husband Dick.

Other people make me too antsy and are too disruptive. I think I mentioned

that when I went to live with my Dad, Step-Mom and step-brothers/sister, it

kept me on edge, especially since my Dad was determined to keep me from

" isolating " myself.

> How do you

> manage when one has needs for solitude while the other may have a need to

> talk?

The one who wants to talk waits, unless it is something so important that it

needs to be talked about NOW. It is often that I want to talk, and Dick is

just too tired and worn out from work. I have no problem waiting, since in

his tired state he wouldn't understand or hear a word I would say anyway!

;-)

Gail :-)

[Guest guest]

wrote:

> From what I understand, NTs

> usually want to make the need for solitude into being about them. NTs

think

> that if things are right, you would not need solitude. They don't

understand

> how we can get overloaded, and sometimes need to sit and recover.

It frustrates me when NT's make things about them, when it has nothing to do

with them at all. For instance, if I leave a party and go out to the car to

wait for my husband because I am getting overloaded, *someone* will think

that I am either mad at them, or my husband. They cannot seem to comprehend

that I am not angry with ANYONE. If I try to tell them that, they accuse me

of " hiding my feelings " and not being honest. *sigh*

If I had a nickel for every time this happened I could pay off my mortgage!

:-P

Gail :-)

[Guest guest]

I don't know what it would be like to live with another aspie, as I was

unaware of Aspergers Syndrome until 5-6 years ago, diagnosed myself 3 years

ago, forgot about it for a couple of years and then got an official

diagnosis.

Now I'm working at home again, I spend hours on end closed in my office and

hate it when my neurotypical wife, Stefania, storms into the room. I realise

over the years I've practised too much self-deceipt kididng myself I'm a

social animal. I just enjoy intellectual stimulation, an occasional hug, a

little eroticism every now and then and the safe knowledge someone is there

when I need them. In 12 years of shared life I've spent more time away from

Stefania than with her. Though I appreciate the comfort and affection a

partner can give, our minds work on different wavelengths, but I don't think

Stefania is a typical NT either.

She just feels obliged to conform to rules she learned 30 years ago.

As a late teenager I actively sought a like-minded partner, but always had

to rely on someone else's charm and goodwill. We're going through a hard

time just now. Sooner or later Stefania will accept me for who I really am

and learn not to work me up instinctively. I can be admittedly quite

annoying, rearranging pots, pans and crockery and trying to explain some of

my pet theories, but all I ask is for my partner to lend me an ear and try

to see some things my way. Otherwise I just retreat into my world.

BTW life can't be that bad this year we've been to California and Italy and

Stefania goes out socially at least twice week.

Neil

AS Couples, How do you do it?

>

> How do you manage to even just be together in the same house? How do

you

> manage when one has needs for solitude while the other may have a need to

> talk? How do you manage varying physical needs? How do you manage when

one

> has certain sensory shutdown times when the other may have contrasting

> sensory needs? Since communication problems in the NT world seem to

abound

> anyway, I am wondering about just how possibly realistic AS/AS

relationships

> can be?

>

> Nanne

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

<<

We take care of ourselves. We did not get married to take care of

eachother. I guess it's the mutual respect thing we have going. I am who I

am and he is who he is. We live together. We do our thing. When we need to

co operate we do. But mostly we are two individuals going their own thing.

I deal with my needs and he deals with his. If he spends 3 hours in the

barn after work, not coming in for supper or to help the kids with their

homework, I leave him there unless I NEED him. If I get up and say " you

make supper and do homework " and go to my room, he does. On some sensory

stuff we compromise, like light bulb wattage.

----------- Thank you all for sharing your experiences here. It seems

there should be a book at some point about this as it would be very helpful

to many. Finding someone to be able to share both companionship AND a

respect for solitude-needs is so important..

>>>>Neither of us talk much.

You talk when you cease to be at peace

with your thoughts;

And when you can no longer dwell in the

solitude of your heart, you live in your lips,

and sound is a diversion and a pastime.

And in much of your talking, thinking

is half murdered.

-Gibran

We talk when it is necessary and sometimes share a story. We weren't

talkers to begin with and now that we have kids we have to talk to I don't

think we have much left (in words or energy) to say to eachother. But it

isn't necessary, we're in tune on some level, we have a good relationship

and everything around here runs smoothly.

--------- Incessant chattering in order to 'fill up' quiet space is an

extreme irritant to me.

Panic instincts kick in when I am under stress and tend to make me want

to flee from everyone in potential self defense. It is a kind of

self-defeating behavior when all I need to do really is pay attention to

needs for 'shut down' time. I had been ready to end a 3 month relationship

with an AS man based on NT standards, which seems to be a deeply ingrained

habit which needs to be purged. The relief is that things are discussed

about needs/etc. how to work things out in a more rational than emotive

manner, also a new thing for me. It may be the first time I have ever been

truly 'real' in a relationship and it is sometimes frightening and

overwhelming....but also incredible and deeply satisfying. Its a risk worth

taking, if I can just keep battling my own instincts to flee and hide, like a

little child.

thanks,

Nanne

[Guest guest]

>Nanne wrote:

>>How do you manage to even just be together in the same house?

>

>When I feel comfortable, familiar and safe enough with someone, it is no

>problem having them around (for the most part). However, I have to say that

>it isn't too often that I feel this way. The only ones in my life I have

>felt this way about are my friend and roommate Janice (before she turned

her

>control freak ways on me), my children, and my husband Dick.

Ditto. I feel safe with my husband and my children, and I have one female

friend with whom I feel completely comfortable in actual physical proximity

(as opposed to online).

>

>Other people make me too antsy and are too disruptive. I think I mentioned

>that when I went to live with my Dad, Step-Mom and step-brothers/sister, it

>kept me on edge, especially since my Dad was determined to keep me from

> " isolating " myself.

My mom has always been incredibly intrusive...always trying to draw me into

conversation and tag along with me everywhere. She's also a patter. Every

time she gets within touching distance of me, she pats me. Drives me nuts!

Now that I live 750 miles from my family and have twin boys who are the only

grandchildren my parents have, life is much easier. We only see my parents

a few times a year, and when we do, the boys get the attention.

>

>> How do you

>> manage when one has needs for solitude while the other may have a need to

>> talk?

>

>The one who wants to talk waits, unless it is something so important that

it

>needs to be talked about NOW. It is often that I want to talk, and Dick is

>just too tired and worn out from work. I have no problem waiting, since in

>his tired state he wouldn't understand or hear a word I would say anyway!

>;-)

>

Excellent point. I do that, too, but I have a huge problem with remember

things that I want to tell . If it's something really important, I have

to write it down so I don't forget completely. The last thing I had to writ

e down was, " Tell we're having people over for dinner Saturday. "

That's this Saturday...two days from today. Yikes!