Guest guest Posted August 8, 2002 Report Share Posted August 8, 2002 Iris M. Gray dreamed lazily into the stars: >WHY do I have to be social? Can anyone explain to me why it is supposedly >NECESSARY to be social? If you ask me, it's not necessary. I wouldn't talk to someone like that either, and I don't see the sky falling... The closest guess I can come up with is that *maybe* it is needed in some relationships to keep the other partner happy, but I wouldn't voluntarily be with someone that would make me do anything I don't want to do, either. There seems to be a sense that because we're on the Spectrum, our wishes are automatically less important than those of NTs when it comes to social activities. I've known plenty of NT women that refused to spend time around cretins like you describe -- they just say " he offends me " and leave it at that. Their mates don't have any way to argue then, because it's not based on their neuro/mental status, it's based on the fact that the " friend " is a creep. Apologies if this sounds garbled...I am seriously in need of some sleep and think I'll go remedy that now. :^) DeGraf ~~~ mustang@... http://www.sonic.net/mustang/moggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 8, 2002 Report Share Posted August 8, 2002 > Iris M. Gray dreamed lazily into the stars: > >WHY do I have to be social? Can anyone explain to me why it is supposedly > >NECESSARY to be social? > > If you ask me, it's not necessary. I wouldn't talk to someone like that > either, and I don't see the sky falling... The closest guess I can come up > with is that *maybe* it is needed in some relationships to keep the other > partner happy, but I wouldn't voluntarily be with someone that would make > me do anything I don't want to do, either. He told me that he spends time with my friends when he doesn't want to. I asked him, " Why don't you just tell me you don't want to, then? You don't have to if you don't want to. " He answered, " Because that would be rude. " Personally, I think it would be honest, but I've often been accused of being rude when I'm being honest. Iris Iris Gray, Puff, Calli and Munchkin Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent. --Kerr Personal website: http://victoria.tc.ca/~rainbow/ Toastmasters website: http://victoria.tc.ca/Community/Bb/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 8, 2002 Report Share Posted August 8, 2002 At 12:59 PM 8/8/02 -0700, Iris M. Gray wrote: >WHY do I have to be social? Can anyone explain to me why it is supposedly >NECESSARY to be social? Because people want others to do what they want them to do. Next time your partner insists that you have to be social, tell him you'll be social if he'll [insert something you love but he would be appalled at being forced to do.] When he asks why he has to do that, tell him, " Because we have to do things together. " If he says, " but we do other things together, " tell him, " and I'm social with other people. " After all, I've seen you be social right here on this list several times. (Though maybe my definition of " social " is a little different from the mainstream. For example, I think discussing derivatives online is being social but an ex-boyfriend thought that was boring and work and that smoking dope and mumbling incoherently about college rock was being social. Big surprise: we're not together any more.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 8, 2002 Report Share Posted August 8, 2002 At 01:17 PM 8/8/02 -0700, DeGraf wrote: >If you ask me, it's not necessary. I wouldn't talk to someone like that >either, and I don't see the sky falling... The closest guess I can come up >with is that *maybe* it is needed in some relationships to keep the other >partner happy, but I wouldn't voluntarily be with someone that would make >me do anything I don't want to do, either. I don't think it's necessary in *all* relationships to keep the other partner happy, though. My relationship appears to be gradually improving since I put my foot down and said I wasn't going to have anything to do with that wretched couple anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2002 Report Share Posted August 9, 2002 Sent: Thursday, August 08, 2002 3:59 PM > Last night my partner and I were walking back to my place after watching > an airshow when he saw one of his friends. He stopped to to talk to the > friend, and I happen to completely loathe this person. So I told (my > partner) " You go talk to your friend. I'll go home. " And I walked away. > > When he caught up with me, he gave me a lecture about how I have to be > " social. " I told him, " I do not have to be social with Mike. " (The friend > I loathe.) Mike is a racist, sexist homophobe who goes around saying > things like " Women need to be hit " and other things about how women are > inferior to men and non-white races are inferior to white people and > people who don't speak English are inferior to those who do. Why should I > be sociable with him? says " There are times when you have to be > social, even if you don't feel like it. " I told him, look, even if Mike > wasn't a jerk, when you're around him you talk about computers and > technical stuff that I don't understand and I'm bored to tears. Why should > I have to stand around while you talk about things like that? He says > " Because you have to be social. " > > WHY do I have to be social? Can anyone explain to me why it is supposedly > NECESSARY to be social? > > Iris I have no idea! I can't imagine that you are the only person in the world who avoids Mike. I'd avoid him myself if I had the chance. Did your partner want you to stay while he talked to Mike, or would he have been satisfied if you had greeted Mike politely and then stated your intention to go home? The rule that I try to impress upon my kids is that they don't have to like everybody, but they do have to be polite. One of the many things that really screwed me up when I was a kid was the Baptist/Christian directive to love everyone. Since I know now that that isn't possible, I don't hold my kids to that rule, but I do expect them to be polite. If by being " social " your partner meant that he thought you should stand there and listen, or even join in the conversation, while he talked to Mike, then I don't really understand that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2002 Report Share Posted August 9, 2002 > > I have no idea! I can't imagine that you are the only person in the world > who avoids Mike. I'd avoid him myself if I had the chance. Did your > partner want you to stay while he talked to Mike, or would he have been > satisfied if you had greeted Mike politely and then stated your intention to > go home? No. He wanted me to stay and " socialize " with Mike and the other people who were there, even if I couldn't join in the conversation because they talked about technical stuff. I think he was angry because when I walked away, he thought that he had to go after me so he gave up talking to Mike. I don't know why he thought that. I told him that I didn't mind if he talked to Mike and that he could catch up to me later. Iris Iris Gray, Puff, Calli and Munchkin Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent. --Kerr Personal website: http://victoria.tc.ca/~rainbow/ Toastmasters website: http://victoria.tc.ca/Community/Bb/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 12, 2002 Report Share Posted August 12, 2002 WHY do I have to be social? Can anyone explain to me why it is supposedly NECESSARY to be social? Iris Hi Iris... (catching up on mail here) I don't believe ANYONE, whether AS or not, should be forced to be 'social' with such appalling people. To me, it is like giving tacit approval for their obnoxiousness. I have a hard time being 'forced' to be social. It as if the energy it takes to blather out words drains the very energy from my being, sometimes! Nanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 12, 2002 Report Share Posted August 12, 2002 He told me that he spends time with my friends when he doesn't want to. I asked him, " Why don't you just tell me you don't want to, then? You don't have to if you don't want to. " He answered, " Because that would be rude. " Personally, I think it would be honest, but I've often been accused of being rude when I'm being honest. Iris Hi Iris, I think this is probably a balancing act that couples have to figure out. There are times when I enjoy Carl being with my friends, but if he is in the mood to be alone, I'd rather he go and do so rather than try and force himself. And so far, vice versa. My old friend Jerome visited Thurs. evening and we sat out in the backyard. When Çarl got home, he was friendly, then went inside to get dinner and listen to his news. I did call him to come back out and visit, and he did for a few minutes but wanted to get back in, and that was fine. My friend was upset though and wondered whether he should leave, if Carl was upset he was there, blah blah...I told him no, Carl'd been working all day and probably wanted to be alone. And later when I asked that was exactly the case. Nanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 12, 2002 Report Share Posted August 12, 2002 > WHY do I have to be social? Can anyone explain to me why it is supposedly > NECESSARY to be social? > > Iris > > > Hi Iris... > > (catching up on mail here) > I don't believe ANYONE, whether AS or not, should be forced to be > 'social' with such appalling people. To me, it is like giving tacit > approval for their obnoxiousness. I have a hard time being 'forced' to > be social. It as if the energy it takes to blather out words drains the > very energy from my being, sometimes! Thanks Nanne (and everyone else on the list) for the feedback. I discussed this with my NT sister last night (she was always critical of my lack of social skills until she found out about AS) and she said that even she wouldn't stay to talk to this guy, so it's not just us ASpies who would do what I did. Being social can definitely be draining, especially if you're an introvert. I used to hide in my bedroom whenever my parents held a family gathering at our house. Iris Iris Gray, Puff, Calli and Munchkin Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent. --Kerr Personal website: http://victoria.tc.ca/~rainbow/ Toastmasters website: http://victoria.tc.ca/Community/Bb/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 12, 2002 Report Share Posted August 12, 2002 You should only be if you want to be, in my opinion. Norah WHY do I have to be social? Can anyone explain to me why it is supposedly NECESSARY to be social? Iris Hi Iris... (catching up on mail here) I don't believe ANYONE, whether AS or not, should be forced to be 'social' with such appalling people. To me, it is like giving tacit approval for their obnoxiousness. I have a hard time being 'forced' to be social. It as if the energy it takes to blather out words drains the very energy from my being, sometimes! Nanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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