Re: Verbal abuse

[Guest guest]

I certainly do . As a child we were never allowed to react to something. As an adult I often find myself overcompensating for that. I try not to but have a low tolerance level for negativity.

Jane

[Guest guest]

> I either run from confrontation or overreact. Does any one else see

self here?

Definitely! As I described in another post on this thread it's been a

long hard working journey on this.

But my assertiveness training - applied and tested in experience, plus

working as a counsellor has showed me that this spectrum of flight or

aggro is what we all do and it takes training/ and or a lot of effort

to learn other ways. So I think it's best not to label ourselves as

weak or neurotic on this one as it's normal.

What applies to US is that we protect ourselves with food/ eating/

weight. Others go for drink, drugs, uncontrolled violence, depression,

self harming ... some of us here may be doing one of these as WELL as

weightiness of course.

I'm trying to say this confrontation thing is a major humah condition

thing not something to rebuke ourselves for. The challenge is how to

deal with it, not knotting up about having it!

[Guest guest]

Question....are you a victim of abuse or wise enough to realize that the conversation you are having is with a creaton and not worth the effort to defend a hypothisys when there will be no intelligent counter? Kathy

The reason a lot of people who have been abused call themselves survivors because it is something we have survived... and in that it is a lifetime process of

finding out those " quirks " in our make-up because of what has happened and rising above them. I try everyday to rise above my raising, but that does not mean I do not have a hard road in front of me. Also when one is candid about what happened to them and what they are currently dealing with [discovering, then processing it, overcoming/healing] it may seem as we come across as vicitms. Our basic personalities were formed when we were too young to stand up for ourselves or know better.... and from then on it is a process to learn why we are the way we are and heal. It is never something that we can " get over " just by someone saying " get over it " . Lindy

[Guest guest]

You are a teacher and a planter of daffodils, and I, for one, thank God for it. I learn from you on a regular basis. Many thanks.

W

You make me feel good. Thank you very much.

God Bless

[Guest guest]

What you said about responding really resonates with me, Shan. Any of you who think that I respond too much, or too long, if you could only see all of the responses I write in the emotion of the moment and then hit the "delete" button. Not a waste of time at all! I got the feelings off my chest without insulting, boring or exasperating anyone. Great therapy. Probably should do it much more, but somethimes I just can't help myself.

W.

Re: Verbal abuse

.... could we have been victims of verbal abuse as children when we were not equipped to defend ourselves? I know that that is true of my history, ...I very much agree. I came from a home that had noisy parental/ step-parental rows and a bit of violence. I was often accused and judged with no chance of any input from me. Significantly one of the gifts of stodgy (carbs) food is a feeling of safety to me.It has taken me a long time to work on my timidity about raised voices, or personal criticism aimed at me on email lists etc I have also learned that eating when I'm not hungry is very often a way of swallowing my anger and I am better at noticing it and stopping now. Also crying, for women, is SO often anger not sadness - the crying is more breathy and jerky.What helped? Two things.I found assertiveness training an absolute lifesaver. It taught me I always have the right to answer back! or to shrug nasty stuff off if I decided it was not relevant to me.Its core is about speaking up, and being direct, and powerful.In one interesting exercise we were asked to prepare written lists of criticisms we'd either received or thought would be true if we did get them. Then we made a list of "ridiculous" criticisms - things that just didn't apply to us. In those days I was very social and talkative so for example I put "too quiet" under that list.Then working with a partner we used relaxation and breathing to stay calm while listening to these items being said to us. The big surprise was that we ALL accepted the untrue ridiculous ones as true! This demonstrated how we tend to see things that are said to us as having weight and truth even when we know quite well they don't. This applies even more to what we read in written statements.We learned to see that we are never just one thing and not the other. For example although I'd seen myself as too talkative I realised "I can be quiet and a listener too." This is very important in dealing with attacks to make my OWN mind up and to decidea) this is not meb) this is me but not the whole storySo the exercise finished with us working out what to say back to each of the criticisms, both the true ones and the untrue ones.From this we went into a last exercie and at 11am in the morning traced just how many of our activities so far since waking up were affected by some kind of desire for approval (how we did things). Shock! around 80 -90% of our little activities came up as affected by need for approval. The teacher explained this is standard and not to guilt out on it.I found all this v helpful and later added my own take that being a cooperative social species is the reason.Assertiveness training taught me to think out what I want to say in a short clear statement e.g. No I don't think I am Xor Yes I am (e.g. arrogant) - this is a very powerful thing to say as it cancels the fight - but adding ... but I am also careful to listen to others.When preparing and rehearsing it is important to take TIME over it. The more I am comfortable with my exact chosen wording the more I will be able to say it. Practicing saying it also helps.Recognising that there is rarely a "good moment" to say difficult things is also important. Waiting for others to give us an opening is another way of saying passivity, being voiceless. So we need to say -I need to say something to you. Or - I want to go back to something you said a while ago ...First stage assertiveness is getting the skill to speak. SEcond stage is learning to decide when to use it. So for example after becoming forceful for a few months after learning it all, I suddenly realised in a heated pub discussion that I didn't WANT to wade in and fight! It was enough to know I could, and that I'd come off OK.Similarly this leads to saying I don't want to answer that, fairly peacefully. Quite different to panicky defensiveness because the sense comes across that if I did answer it would be firmly. Disconnecting from a jeering, hostile response, small smile, no I just don't want to go there - can be powerful if it rests on knowing if I did go there I'd handle it fine.--------------------------------------My other great learning zone has been in handling a husband! He's in many many ways a lovely man but has a NASTY temper. Since it doesn't lash out on our son or others but just me it is clearly linked to his deep love for me and feeling uniquely vulnerable to me, and paradoxically deeply safe with me.I have also understood this is a kind of "male tears" as lashing out happens largely on things nothing to do with me, tiredness, anxiety about his work etc.Nothing from assertiveness really worked here! I've tried being direct, being indirect, being understanding kind, joking, punishing by withdrawal, you name it over 20 years Ive tried it.In the end the vital strategy is detachment. Recently I did this very well. I was happily pottering at something satisfying, having a nice day when he blew up a problem of his own - he'd scraped the car's oil sump and cracked it on a 'traffic calming' lump because jhe was in a hurry. He started with the raised voice, and sharply attacking anything I said. I decided quietly I just didn't want an uproar I wanted to stay in the nice thing I was in. So I did! I just mostly ignored it but also gave SOME attention (a few helpful suggestions but not many, ignoring the sharp reactions) and some brief bits of practical help - without knee jerk taking it all on as my job to sort out but also responding to the "male tears" of his neediness.Wonderful! It was all over MUCH faster than usual. Also our son who has often got worried at how upset I usually get at these times, stayed calmer. What I ALSO noticed was our young man himself did the knee jerk thing and took on the blame for Dad's problem. He thought as dad was rtying to ferry him to the train he should've alerted dad sooner to the late time. Because I was staying calm I was able to strongly reassure him this wasn't the case at all. (We'd never until now asked him to take responsibility for timing on outings.) He still out of his characteristic sweet nature wanted to help dad so I suggested he stay close by ready to fetch a tool or do an errand telling dad he was doing that BUT go on reading his own book so he stayed out of the firing range. This too worked well so the distressed person had two close by helpers but no noisy/ distress stuff getting fed back at him.Just hope I can do more of that!

[Guest guest]

,

You are a teacher and a planter of daffodils, and I, for one, thank God for it. I learn from you on a regular basis. Many thanks.

W.

Re: Verbal abuse

In a message dated 6/18/2006 10:43:46 AM Central Standard Time, labtrek1941bellsouth (DOT) net writes:I either run from confrontation or overreact. Does any one else see self here?I have never liked confrontation. My view is I believe what I believe. It matters not if you do. You believe what you believe and it matters not if I believe it. I freely give advice where I can but do not worry if you do not listen to my advice. You can call me anything you wish because you calling me that doesn't make me that. I guess my way of believing is . Live and let live. When I see an argument starting on the board. I walk away from it. A wonderful day is wished for you.