Idle thoughts at2:40 Am PT

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Just trying to get some rest, sleepless through the night as is often so,

thought I would spend some time at the 'ole 'puter & just discuss idle

thoughts passing through my head.

For one thing, am on Serzone, which does lessen depression, to the point

of amotivational syndrome, but seems to make a crazy sleep pattern even

crazier. Have discussed this with some friendly medical experts. I am told

that this & other issues are being recognized, but not yet at the formal,

large scale research level. It seems that a number of doctors have

experimented with prescribing Ritalin (an amphetamine restricted in use to

sleeping sickness & childhood hyperactivity) looks like a successful

addition in balancing out the uneven effects of Serzone.

Administration is one Ritalin on waking, then Serzone later in the

morning. Appears to allow unimpaired wakefulness without limiting Serzone's

action on helping sleep.

This brings me to wondering if I should change antidepressants for the

umpteenth time, going through a withdrawal period & the then slow build-up

of some other sexy new antidepressant, only to find what, if anything, it

does; and sacrificing another several months of life to medical trial &

error. Since I have had more error than anything else, think I'll hold out

on the Serzone for awhile until some added drug makes it work right, or

another brilliant breakthrough breaks through.

My context for thinking about this is having left some thirty years of

forcing my body & mind to operate on the job & at home, accomplishing a

lot, but living under constant fear & stress. I have been a high-level

person in the areas of rehabilitation counseling and psychiatric

rehabilitation, designing services that are just now coming into wider use.

I loved it but it was hell. There are always some nasty politics around,

but the higher you go, the more friends are there to pat you in the back

with knives in their hands.

When I " dropped out " totally disabled, I could still do, manage and be

innovative in treatment, but the politics were more than I could expect

myself to deal with.

Of course being career oriented, I moved through successively responsible

jobs, leaving myself with little tenured retirement benefits, so at great

cost, now it's just me, Social Security & my cat. Are these devastating

losses? Well, I thought so until over the last 6-7 years I have pretty much

gotten off the anxiety gradient and the tyranny of must.

It's good to know that when ( & if) I do get to sleep, when I wake up I

will not be pressuring myself to do what I can't.

Is this laziness? Perhaps. But for one who juggled three jobs & two school

program at once, plus family, I am beginning to find inner peace &

tranquility Never would have happened otherwise, & without great costs, but

in the long-run I think it's worth it. Strange blessings!

Ken

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/23/99 6:12:42 AM Eastern Standard Time,

kturbin@... writes:

<< I have been a high-level person in the areas of rehabilitation counseling

and psychiatric rehabilitation, designing services that are just now coming

into wider use. >>

I am a mental health professional specializing in clinical and program

operations and management. For the last 10 years I have been managing a

federal class action lawsuit against a state mental health institution and

now, in addition, consult on another federal class action lawsuit against

another of our state mental health institutions. The latter one involves the

Department of Justice. I have had to train 7 attorneys in the first lawsuit

and am now training another 4 in the one on which I consult. I say " train "

because they cannot make the proper legal decision without the constant

involvement of the clinical and program staff. To say it's high stress, is an

understatement.

All of this being done while in chronic pain. I have finally gotten an

official diagnosis of fibromyalgia (my primary problems are: migraines,

chronic musculo-skeletal pain, IBS, and panic and anxiety attacks). I had two

neuros tell me I was abusing OTC meds and was just wanting drugs for the sake

of having them. Needless to say, I fired them both. I found a wonderful

rheumatologist [i see one of his 4 ARNPs] about 6 months ago. Since then,

with the medications for the fibro and the meds from my psychiatrist, I am

feeling much better. I still have my setbacks - particularly when both

personal and work areas are at high stress levels.

So, I have decided to retire at the end of July [i will be leaving at 28.5

years instead of 30 so will take a small penalty]. It's not enough to keep me

around. We sold our house here [it was off the market] and will close on

3/12; we will close on our new house in NC on 3/15 and move in on 3/16. I

will spend about a week there, then return to FL until the end of July. Then

I will do consulting - when and where I choose.

I do have to admit, at this point, I have to take a lot of meds just to keep

the body and mind functioning. Hopefully, when I retire I can reduce them

significantly; at least that is what I am planning to do. My list of meds

includes: Soma and fioricet, Klonopin, imipramine and Celexa, as well as

Creon [i have no digestive enzymes - so I'll always have to take this one].

Suppose all of this was a way of getting to your message that you indicate

your idle thoughts at an early morning hour. I thought your message was quite

good and it was helpful to me. Now, I have even more to look forward to on

retirement. Fortunately, I have vested retirements for lifetime and then in

about 6 years will start getting social security when I'm 62 [if I get to that

age and/or social security lasts that long]. In our state we pay into both

systems.

You should be very proud of yourself for getting to a place you never thought

you would be. I hope I make it to that place, as well - sooner rather than

later.

BTW, check out with your doctor about adding Klonopin to your Serzone. The

docs added Klonopin to my regime to help me get into the deep sleep cycle so

my body could help heal or restore some of what I lose during the day. It has

begun to help.

I hope you had a good day, a " gooder " tonight, and a " goodest " tomorrow.

{{{and pain-free wishes}}}

Carol

" In the little decisions of life, use your mind; in the big decisions of life,

use your heart. " [author unknown]