Yesterday's appointment...

[Guest guest]

Hi all

Well the lovely Mimi collected me as arranged and we got to know

each other a little better. Thank you Mimi. Then she kindly

dropped me back to St Hospital for my 4.45pm appointment...

Well good one Lorraine 4.45 on Tuesday the 30TH - NEXT WEEK. I was

soooo p***ed off and annoyed with myself. The weather was appalling

and it took me more than an hour and a half to get home in peak hour

traffic.

And I had an absolute meltdown in the car. I had had it all

planned. A limited period to relax and enjoy some of the foods that

I hadn't previously been able to manage. I deliberately didn't

weigh myself until yesterday morning so I wouldn't get hung up over

it. So I weighed myself - 2kgs heavier, about what I expected I

guess, but that's okay I told myself - today you have some fill and

wipe the slate clean and knock off those couple of kilos and all's

well.

So I get in the car and the traffic is thick (like me - can't

believe I've got the wrong week) and then I fall apart. Still the

fat girl - always will be. Full of self-loathing, peeved that I

don't have the fill I was counting on, feel weak that this food

thing still controls and dictates everything, knew it was only a

matter of time before I failed and the weight returns... I cried,

thumped the window, wound down the window and screamed at the cars.

Should I stop at the night chemist on the way home and buy

Optifast??? I can't trust myself to get it right until next week.

How much more damage can I do????? Or on the other hand should I buy

some chips - I can eat those now, the damage has already been done.

And some chocolate to console myself. What a absolute mess I was

and the whole food/fat monster took over my being.

What a sad case!

Anyway pleased to report I resorted to neither of these options.

Had a hot bath and Lean Cuisine lasagne - retired early, and I might

add felt hungry. Can't eat if you're sleeping. I was wishing I had

my tight band back, please!

Anyway that's my sh***y Tuesday - except for the lovely interlude

with Mimi. I'm going to try and drop a kilo between now and next

week. The party is over, fill or no fill.

Life with the band - never boring - and the fat lady is always

lurking - the self loathing was scary - haven't been there for a

while.

Have a good day everyone - thanks for listening,

Lorraine