anhedonia - still or again? and the day pssd could've done me in

[Guest guest]

So I realize that while I've been feeling so positive and grateful because I've

had improvements with anhedonia/flatness of emotions that I haven't realized how

the glass is still half empty. Hard to explain - but I now feel that I've been

tricking myself by using cognitive therapy and acting positive that I haven't

noticed that I'm actually still pretty flat.

And now after many months of not crying at all, I'm very suddenly kind of weepy,

quick to tears over things especially my pssd symptoms.

Here's the story first:

About a week ago I was feeling especially angry about my health, sick of taking

pills, sick of feeling numb sexually, sick of spending money on doctors and

supplements, especially sick of trying to eat healthy. Very foul mood. I

didn't want to take the time to have a good lunch, so I decided to just have a

spoonful of peanut butter.

Now I now eating peanut butter from a spoon is a choking hazard, but I've done

it for years, and have always been careful. This time, because of my anger at

pssd, I did not.

My airway was immediately and completely blocked off. My thought was " If I

don't call for help, I will pass out and die. "

In all honesty I have to admit that for a very brief second I entertained the

notion of doing nothing because of pssd. Very brief second though; I would've

never actually done nothing, but it was very unsettling that I actually had that

thought.

So I called 911, and the woman kept asking me " Is anybody there, do you have an

emergency " (while I couldn't utter a sound and was hoping she'd get the point to

send police immediately). After a couple of what seemed like very long minutes,

because I kept trying to answer her, I guess I finally cleared a tiny airway and

then finally the peanut butter went down.

Emergency over and I was fine.

But I haven't been fine since. What bothers me most is that I realized how flat

I was while this was happening. I should've been scared to death while I

believed I might die, but I was not. And after I was fine I should've been

overjoyed that I was fine. And I was not.

So here's my theory as to why I'm suddenly feeling more negative and crying

easily - this really was a traumatic experience even though I couldn't feel it

because of anhedonia. I really only felt some embarrassment over being so stupid

as to swallow a spoonful of peanut butter, that's it. So now I wonder did I

suddenly screw up my adrenal glands some more, my serotonin levels, hormones?

What?

Physiologically something happened because of the intense stress, and that's why

all of a sudden I feel like crying so much.

I've had dreams where I've almost died or saw someone die and in the dreams I

felt nothing. Now here I had a real life experience where I felt nothing. It's

downright scary.

Sorry this was a long post. Hopefully, I'll go back to " normal " again soon and

feel more positive and less like crying.