Guest guest Posted October 12, 1998 Report Share Posted October 12, 1998 Mike, you hit upon a subject that has been bothering me for days. Am I becoming a recluse? More and more I find that I do not really want to be out among the masses. I enjoy church when I go, I just don't want to go as much as before. Shopping is not a favorite because of all the walking and the discomfort and pain that go with walking. To a large extent I can control my life when I am at home, i.e., rest when I have to, declare that everyone has to get their own supper because I'm not cooking, stop in the middle of doing something and leave the mess for another day. But when I'm out I don't have those liberties. Furthermore, it takes so much effort to keep smiling and not give in to the pain of moving or sitting, that I don't really have that much patience with other people. I am known as a patient, helpful, caring person (retired from the ministry two years ago), but I don't feel like being those things to everybody any longer. Serzone, an antidepressant, is the only thing that keeps me from going over the wall somedays. Does chronic pain increase the likelihood that we will become more and more recluse? Do we like this list because in a way we control who has access to us, and when we will be involved with it? Just wondering. Ray ---------------------------------------------------- Reach me by ICQ. My ICQ# is 14278868 or, * Page me online through my Personal Communication Center: http://wwp.mirabilis.com/14278868 (go there and try it!) or, * Send me E-mail Express directly to my computer screen 14278868@... For downloading ICQ at http://www.icq.com/ Ray in Virginia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 12, 1998 Report Share Posted October 12, 1998 Hi Ray, I don't want to imply that becoming a recluse is inevitable with serious chronic pain, but it is a significant issue. Before I reached the level of disability I'm at now, I was constantly doing things, and all over the place most days. Now it certainly has changed. Since I kept trying to do too much for a long time, I was probably suffering as much or almost as much down time as now, but pushing away all the time I could. This didn't really make a whole lot of sense. I needed to actually make a decision to be reclusive to whatever extent necessary so as to cut down on antagonizing my body. Now I live in a nice condo community rather than keep up my own house, avoid the kind of commitments that require me to be anywhere at a regular time often, and don't get to see friends & family all that much. I try to reserve time for calling friends & family, but don't If I feel lousy. Before, while my younger children were still growing up, I didn't get to do that much with them, but we did spend a lot of time together. I was pretty isolated by working a lot too. So now, it's just more by choice, planning & circumstances. Lots of things can be isolating, disability, work, where one lives, aging, etc. Is it bad to be isolated or reclusive? Very relative, right? Would I do it differently if I could? Sure. So are you going to get more reclusive? Hard to say. For someone who has had severe physical limitations, getting around stores or anywhere in a mobility device is pretty ordinary. In schools for handicapped children, they have to be carefully kept from drag-racing in the halls. On the other hand, adults becoming more disabled think of mobility devices more as symbols of what they have lost. I think it is a very personal issue, and hinges a great deal on how you choose to define yourself. Ken At 11:58 AM 10/12/98 -0400, you wrote: > > >Mike, >you hit upon a subject that has been bothering me for days. Am I >becoming a recluse? More and more I find that I do not really want to >be out among the masses. I enjoy church when I go, I just don't want to >go as much as before. Shopping is not a favorite because of all the >walking and the discomfort and pain that go with walking. To a large >extent I can control my life when I am at home, i.e., rest when I have >to, declare that everyone has to get their own supper because I'm not >cooking, stop in the middle of doing something and leave the mess for >another day. But when I'm out I don't have those liberties. >Furthermore, it takes so much effort to keep smiling and not give in to >the pain of moving or sitting, that I don't really have that much >patience with other people. I am known as a patient, helpful, caring >person (retired from the ministry two years ago), but I don't feel like >being those things to everybody any longer. Serzone, an antidepressant, >is the only thing that keeps me from going over the wall somedays. Does >chronic pain increase the likelihood that we will become more and more >recluse? Do we like this list because in a way we control who has >access to us, and when we will be involved with it? Just wondering. >Ray >---------------------------------------------------- >Reach me by ICQ. My ICQ# is 14278868 or, >* Page me online through my Personal Communication Center: >http://wwp.mirabilis.com/14278868 (go there and try it!) or, >* Send me E-mail Express directly to my computer screen >14278868@... >For downloading ICQ at http://www.icq.com/ >Ray in Virginia > > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 12, 1998 Report Share Posted October 12, 1998 Ken you are so right, it is a personal choice, and depends on what you are willing to tolerate to be a social creature.It is all in setting priorities. For some, it is very important to so so. For others like me, it is not. I RELISH my reclusivity(is that a word?). I actually enjoy the peace and serenity of quiet, and prefer not to go out unless I have to. The internet is my social interaction, besides family visits. And those family visits even prove stressful to me since my family tends to be in great denial of my illness. So is this dangerous? I don't think so. I think I am mentally sound ( now quiet, all of you, I ambeing serious here...). I don't feel that my lack of going out into the world is dangerous to my mental health and I think entirely too much is made of it. Now, if I were to sit here in the dark and do nothing to even stimulate my mind and body, then maybe I was having a problem. But that is not the case. So it should be looked at on an individual case by case basis. Yes? Lyn ~~~~~Peace and tranquility~~~~~~ Homepage:http://home.talkcity.com/spiritcir/lynmari/index.html Join the arthritis warriors--http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/rheumathritis Join-DachsieHeaven:http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/DachsieHeaven Dachsie B'day Page: http://members.tripod.com/~Lynmari/DACHSHUND Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 12, 1998 Report Share Posted October 12, 1998 Maybe it isn't becoming a recluse, but just managing the stress that others often cause in our lives. Managing the pain is enough to drive anyone crazy at times. I was there this afternoon, then realized I'd left without taking pain meds and Serzone, and then missed afternoon dosage, too. Guess I don't need to doubt that the meds do work, I feel much calmer and more in control of my reactions to the pain this evening. thought a lot about what has been posted on this questions and for me being with others makes me realize that I can not live up to their expectations of me any longer. I can't be everyone's comforter and hero any longer. Even though I've been " retired " from the ministry for two years, there are still people who call me their " pastor " and want me to come to the hospital to see them or to conduct funerals for their relatives or weddings for their children. I'm glad that they still want me in their lives in one way, and tired in another way of being called at any moment of any day to take care of any need that they might have. I can't control my own life right now unless I disengage from them. Managing the chronic pain is almost a full time career. I've switched roles with my wife in the last eighteen years going from the only one with a salary to the house-spouse and child-keeper roll. That really doesn't bother me any longer, except for those rare moments when I wonder why I earned all those degrees and am not now using them. In fact being the house-spouse means I can manage my fatigue and my rest needs much better than before. I imagine that there are many of you who choose not to be so involved outside of the home simply because you cannot physically endure the challenge any longer. Maybe its not reclusivity, but just pure and simple wise stress management. And we all know what stress does to our conditions! I miss the daily involvement with friends, but I don't miss the stress of being on my feet and ready to handle everyone else's problems. Guess its time to take care of me instead of them. I'm better off for it, and so is my wife and our youngest daughter. They really resented the fact that I stayed gone all day and night caring for others, then came home to crash into bed and disappear again in the morning. I am enjoying getting to know my family again. They're rather wonderful folks. Ray ---------------------------------------------------- Reach me by ICQ. My ICQ# is 14278868 or, * Page me online through my Personal Communication Center: http://wwp.mirabilis.com/14278868 (go there and try it!) or, * Send me E-mail Express directly to my computer screen 14278868@... For downloading ICQ at http://www.icq.com/ Ray in Virginia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 12, 1998 Report Share Posted October 12, 1998 Ray, that's my attitude too. That I have to learn to become more attuned to my body and what it needs and let others stop relying on me. It has been hard, saying no to babysitting the grandkids etc. But I realized in the process that I had been enabling their dependency and their denial of my illness. My marriage is even tentative right now. I had to tell that if he can't help me he would have to leave,because I can't take care of him and thehouse anymore. He refuses to leave and says he will show me he can, and first argument about it or the first stressor he will leave . It is called prioritzing peace. I have to it, and if that is selfish then so be it. Those that love and care for me will now have to give back what I gave them when I was able to or move on without me. I am tired of putting myself in more painfor others unnecessarily. When I went through cancer treatment alot of this came striking home, and I made a vow to myself that if I pulled through, there would be life changes. I am finally beginning to feel at peace and in control again. Maybe part of it is " hardening " your feelings, but I feel that it is long overdue. Hang in there and love yourself enough to care for yourself, all of you. Love,Lyn ~~~~~Peace and tranquility~~~~~~ Homepage:http://home.talkcity.com/spiritcir/lynmari/index.html Join the arthritis warriors--http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/rheumathritis Join-DachsieHeaven:http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/DachsieHeaven Dachsie B'day Page: http://members.tripod.com/~Lynmari/DACHSHUND Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 1998 Report Share Posted October 13, 1998 From: lynmari@... (Lynda Gottschalk) Hang in there and love yourself enough to care for yourself, all of you. Love,Lyn ----- Lyn, this sums it up for me. When I first started taking care of myself first, 3 years ago now, my life changed...for the better. It often meant saying NO when I used to say YES, and it meant making some real behavioral changes along with tons of acceptance. Lots of work at times but well worth it. I've been following the 'recluse' thread and am heartened to hear, once again, that I'm not the only one! I've always been a bit of a recluse and in the past 3 years as I made changes and as my pain level increased more and more I've come to accept that this is how I am now and I actually enjoy it! As one person said, it is, for me, a stress management tool also. C ya'll later, Ruthie =========================== Ruthie Cunliffe K2ZQ ruthie@... http://www.cunliffegroup.com/ruthie/ Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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