Annual duh awards.....(Long)

[Guest guest]

1998 DARWIN AWARDS

They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin

Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the

universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the

most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has

been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole

lives for this event!

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in

two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide

sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who " totally

zoned when he ran, " according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a

200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug

into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said

, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had

been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it

collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on

the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way

to , a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took

rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while

about 200 people looked on. was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he

fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was

burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in

his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as

he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,

was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Hoffman, 23, who

was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest

Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,

Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver

loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Kolta,

27, and Randy , 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a

tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near

Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the

spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Heck tried to kill a millipede

with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a

rock near the hole and hit pal ez in the head, fracturing

his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out

cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane

torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his

house.

3. Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in

September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of

dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the

bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see

what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window

was closed.

4. Taking " Amateur Night " Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual

festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This

year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including

one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, " It's

just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons. "

SOME MORE ALSO RANS

1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.

Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry,

Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on

his chest, arms and face, Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and

Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten

off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work

and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.

" I'm still not sure why I did it, " she said later " I was really close to

the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have

been for more than two seconds " . However, cab driver Vegas did see and

lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of

the Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was

cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building

making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock,

he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound

was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

2. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three

birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a

picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A

translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions.

Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum,

being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she

realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill

with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a

few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her

mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3. La Grange, GA - Attorney Mendoza was released from a trauma

center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. " My dog drags

the thing all over the house, " he said later. " He must have dragged it

into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat

down right on the thing. " The extraction took more than three hours due

to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during

insertion. " He was a real trooper during the entire episode, " said Dr.

Dennis Crobe. " Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying

himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time,

he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the

time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in

there " .

4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends

when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the

Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew

more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge

at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered

that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued

drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay

nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the

other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the

cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously

survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby

fishermen. " All I can say, " said Bingham, " is that God was watching out

for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it. "

Bingham's foot was never located.

REMERTON, WA - Coulter and his wife, , were engaging in

bondage games when suggested spreading peanut butter on his

genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly,

Rudy lost control and began tearing at 's penis and

testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked threw a

half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the

dog and with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing

away the penis.

While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to

the hospital, fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.

's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler " is just plain

lucky, " said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis.

" Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The

high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful,

helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the

damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's

really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent

chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this. " Washington

Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

AND THE WINNER:

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his

tipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a

bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm

finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the

ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on

him like a dump truck full of mud.

" The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.

Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay

unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of

him, " said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Dern. " With no

one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour

before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. " It

seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen. "

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and

conscientious stupidity.( Luther King)

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