Re: Ken's --- WAKE-UP CALL!!!

[Guest guest]

Hi List;

Remember the saying " No news is good news " ? Could this list be subject to this

? The less the number of messages, the better we are doing. Perhaps we should

strive for a list with NO messages, meaning by extension that everyone too well

to have a need for the list ?

This brings to mind an arrangement I made with a very dear and trusted friend

years ago. This man put himself and his resources many times at a disadvantage

to help me and my family out. I have done the same as often as possible to help

him out. I think we've paid each other back a few times and then some. We keep

tipping the scale one way then the other in the matter of who owes who. He is

also suffering from chronic depression as am I. It got to the point that the

only thing we talked about was depression. The problem was that if one of us was

feeling good, the other one would drag him back down. The arrangement we made

was to NOT talk about it unless things were really bad enough that there was no

other way. We didn't define " bad enough " . His difficulties come from a broken

marriage which left him mortally wounded inside from what happened with the

children, a rotten financial situation brought about by having something to lose

(unlike myself, I have nothing therefore I have nothing to lose), rejection from

insurance companies, health care, his doctors, his lawyers, his family. In the

10 or so years I've known him, I have never once heard this man say " Hey I feel

pretty good today " . I have said it on occasion, but I have never heard him say

it. I have tried to help by listening to him but that didn't do it. I have

written computer programs for him when he mentioned an interest which could turn

into a business to help him get started, he was too depressed to go ahead with

it. I have contacted his family behind his back when I felt he was just too

close to suicide. They thanked me for my concern but did nothing. I have tried

to find a way to help him financially by offering to represent him at meetings

with creditors trying to skin him alive but he never took me up on it. I paid

for an email account for him so that he could still talk to the outside world

and for him to get more of a taste for programming and perhaps find something to

do; nothing. I've tried reverse psychology on him to try to whip him into

action, I got tears but no action. I haven't given up on him though. He deserves

more than this, I just haven't found the way to help him yet...but I will.

Please don't get me wrong. What I did for him in many ways doesn't even come

close to what I figure I owe the man. He has been the best of friends. Bigger

than life itself. The moral of the story is that we never managed to really

" help " each other out on the 'depression' level of our lives. I think that this

is perhaps a little bit like what is happening on the list. I realize the

comparison is not equal, but I also contribute to some computer related

newsgroups where people ask questions and describe problems they are having.

Answers fly in and the problem is solved. On these lists, we have a common

element in the software (like we have chronic pain), we have problems to discuss

(just like us), and we solve them (we don't because it doesn't work that way).

They have " closure " , we don't.

Once I've described my feelings, my pain, my medication, and receive feed back

from the list, I am still where I started. There are no magic bullets. Herein

lies the problem with the list (my opinion of course). I tell you I have a pain,

I get a number of responses stating the sender also has the same pain. I mention

I take certain meds, I get answers from people who take the same thing and some

from people taking alternative medication which I am too scared to try. First,

because I don't want to change from something that works for me albeit poorly,

second because I don't want to alienate my doctor.

We must all ask ourselves " What do I want from this list ? " . By definition

(chronic), we all suffer from long lasting discomfort in one form or another,

the only newcomers will be people who have finally accepted that the condition

has been present a long time. We are all 'old hands' at it. There are no " new "

chronic pain patients. We have probably all gone through the same steps; injury,

pain, medical treatment (good and bad), non-acceptance of our condition, search

for alternative treatment, some form of misunderstanding of our condition by our

peers and/or our families, losing friends because we no longer " fit in " , trying

to find others we can relate to, and so on. We are all the same in so many ways.

If there ever was a model to show that race, color, creed really doesn't matter,

this should be it !

To some, just talking about it is a big relief. Others look for a " better " way

to deal with things, if there is one. Some need to " measure " their situation by

finding out how others feel or how severe they have it compared to ourselves and

we invariably come away from the experience with one of three feelings:

1 -they're as bad as I am. 2 - they have it real bad and I'm glad my situation

isn't as bad or 3 - they don't know how good they have it compared to me.

If you've read this far, good for you. If you're wondering where this is going,

take another valium and relax, I'm almost done !

Here's my experience with the list. I joined when personal issues were being

discussed, namely intimacy. I wrote my piece and sent it. Replies were sent back

and forth suggesting alternatives all of which were known or had been tried. I

got to the point I didn't want to talk about this anymore. I was afraid some of

my friends would perhaps join the list and find out how I feel (Namely my buddy

mentioned at the beginning). We then went on a binge of humour and teasing name

calling. Some had a great laugh, some just chuckled, others probably didn't

care. I then started WWW 3 with Dr Donovan. When I realized my error, I

attempted to understand the situation better and eventually made my apologies.

We talked ourselves into a " negotiated " peace.

Now, what do I want from this list ? I've done my bitchin' and complainin'. Some

members have it as bad as I do, some are much worse and I admire their courage

I have a fear of choking to death and/or drowning and cannot imagine how some

of you must feel fighting for your breath every minute of every day), some may

have things better than me. So the bitchin' complainin', baring of soul and

comparing are done. What's left for me ? I want to help. So simple isn't it ? I

want to help. I was never happier than when I went on the hunt to help

find some possible employer candidates for his services, or when I made others

laugh by relating some humourous personal situations ( you can't laugh when

you're in pain ) which means I made someone's pain go away for a few seconds or

minutes or finally, when teasing others and getting teased back. I want to help.

Or, to be more honest, I need to help. I've done all my self analysis and came

up short. Now I need to show my worth and to do this, I need to help someone

achieve their goal, regardless how insignificant it may seem. Is this a new

feeling for me ? Hell no. It goes back years. There is a rule to be observed

though , a price for my services if you will: there is to be no public

acknowledgement, no glory, no medals. A simple 'thank you' tells me I made a

difference. The satisfaction I get is so much more that there are no medals big

enough to replace the feeling I get. I actually feel that as deals go, I'm

ripping you off because I get so much more.

How about making this list a little more into something we all hold dear: like

'now', 'today'. Every day is a challenge for most of us. But we don't spend all

day moaning, do we? We cook, we compute, we do house chores, we read, we try to

fix our cars. Why don't we talk about that more ? Some of us have made tools to

assist us in our quest for independence. Someone mentioned using padded

knee-thingies to do gardening. That's living. Has anyone found a way to undo a

drain plug from a car's oil pan without bending down ? I have to change the oil

on the car but I can't reach the plug and I can't afford to pay someone else to

do it.

What do I want from the list ? I want YOU all to make me feel great. How can I

help you ? Who's up to building a better mouse-trap ? Give me something to sink

my teeth into !

Mike