Re: dark insanity

August 19, 1998

Hi Randy;

I don't think we've met yet. You seem to be going through a very rough time. I

won't pretend to " know how you feel " . You are the only one that knows that. I

can however tell you how I feel with a similar problem. I am 46 going on 96.

I've lived with chronic pain from my back for over 24 years, mainly in the form

of severe sciatica which makes it's way down my legs. On a good day, it only

reaches my knees, on a bad one it paralyses me into the ugliest looking shape

you've ever seen a human take. At times, the sounds, screams and tears seem to

come from an alien of some sort.

I have always told myself that my " worth " was my knowledge. You could lose your

money, your house, your job, even most body parts, but nobody could touch what

was in your mind. That was yours for keeps. I was raised to become a " white

collar " worker by a mother who was way out in left field. In her eyes, no one

else had any value. I rebelled and decided to become a mechanic to spite her but

somehow I also developed a strong desire to know things. Probably to show her

up. Whatever the cause, I have spent my life not only reading but studying what

I read; everything from cooking, gardening, art, astronomy, even quantum physics

(which is tough, but interesting). One of my heroes is Hawking and now

that he has recanted his theory of the big bang he has made it even harder for

me to understand but that's the fun of it.

My mind was my greatest asset. I could remember details from way back. When I

worked in computers I read 10 or more magazines a month to stay current and

could tell you where to find information dating back months. I remembered

details about specific situations for no apparent reason, like client passwords,

months later, without writing it down. Now, I drive down the highway and

suddenly realize I don't know where I am, where I'm going or even which way is

home. I talk on the phone and sometimes reach a point where I'm hoping the other

party's voice will remind me who I'm talking to. My wife has to stop me and make

me look at her eye-to-eye, like a little kid, if she wants me to remember

something. I invariably forget it anyway. My mind has rebelled on me and

considering it was my most prized possession, I feel very betrayed.

To add insult to injury, I persist. I've been trying to develop a database for

someone. Day by day, I forget what I've done. What worked yesterday doesn't work

today. I'm supposed to be there right now, showing what I've done, but I don't

know if it works. I'll have to run through the whole thing again to verify so

that I don't end up with egg on my face.

I realized a while back that I " valued " myself by what I was in the past. What I

had accomplished or could accomplish then. It's hard to compete with the past

Randy. What's gone is gone. I try to focus on what is to come. Tying to repeat

our past exploits, specially when we were all younger, possibly in better

health, quicker, clearer of mind, is impossible. It's not insanity, it's

delusion. Those who are born with specific health problems have it hard, but

those of us who have known health and a better way of life only to have it taken

away have a different cross to bear. Once you've tasted health, you can't forget

the freedom and you can't accept losing it. This will drive you insane if you

pursue it because there will never be a resolution to the problem, there just

isn't one. I try to set different goals.

I went through a serious depression in 1988. Loss of a loved one, financial

crisis, etc. I woke up one day and sat by the window, staring out. I decided I

would get out of my pajamas and get dressed. That alone took me 3 months. I

eventually got out of it although never fully, but with a different outlook. I

set one daily goal for myself. If I learn only one thing today, my day was worth

it. It's not as easy as it sounds and on the painful days, it's even tougher.

Some days I fail.

On the days I don't, anything else that happens that day is a bonus. Randy, try

to reorganize your thoughts and set different goals for yourself. And remember,

it's not how many things you do that matter, it's how well you do them. In a

world where we are constantly pushed to accept things no sane person would

follow given a free choice, your closet may be the best place for you right now.

It's a way to escape. It's normal to instinctively protect yourself from harm

and that is probably what you are doing. I think that what you are doing is

normal given your state of mind and what is going on around you. Insanity would

be to continue to expose yourself to this danger.

Hang in there Randy. Feel free to reply or not, to continue this thread or not.

If you just get through today, you've won. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Mike

> pain is rapidly eating away at what little sanity i had left. i had

> always prized myself on my mental state until now,it is becoming a

> disgrace and i am SICK of seeing a shadow of the person i used to be in

> the mirror. i have had strange things going on along with this

> slide,voices talking to me,seeing things(people???) around me that no

> one else sees,the strangest of all is looking into a mirror and looking

> right thru part of myself like they are not there or seeing " something "

> (i know not what) staring back at me. i thought pain was e-nuf but now

> to deal with insaniTy?_is That what this is?

> its even deeper than that and so the closeT is my only semi-sanctuary

> from this insanity that is like a cancer,spreading deeper and driving me

> further into darkness------------

August 19, 1998

Randy,

Major depression accompanies most severe chronic pain. You describe it

well. It can be harder to deal with than the other problems. Part of

learning to manage severe depression for yourself is to know when you are

in over your head & try and get some real help.

Granted *real help* is often difficult to get, and doing anything at all

becomes difficult with depression, but sounds to me like you should consult

a psychiatrist & make it clear how severely depressed you are. It is

treatable, and I think you need to do this for your own protection.

Ken

t 02:45 AM 8/19/98 -0700, you wrote:

>

>pain is rapidly eating away at what little sanity i had left. i had

>always prized myself on my mental state until now,it is becoming a

>disgrace and i am SICK of seeing a shadow of the person i used to be in

>the mirror. i have had strange things going on along with this

>slide,voices talking to me,seeing things(people???) around me that no

>one else sees,the strangest of all is looking into a mirror and looking

>right thru part of myself like they are not there or seeing " something "

>(i know not what) staring back at me. i thought pain was e-nuf but now

>to deal with insaniTy?_is That what this is?

>its even deeper than that and so the closeT is my only semi-sanctuary

>from this insanity that is like a cancer,spreading deeper and driving me

>further into darkness------------

>

>------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

August 19, 1998