Tools Explained

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Tools Explained

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used

as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the

object

we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes

containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in

their

holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling

rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the

brake

line that goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your

future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

available,

they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of

your

hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale

garage

cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer

(What

wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to

buy

lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort

.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems

from

the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest

and

flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling

Stones

poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere

under

the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls

and

hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,

" Django

Reinhardt " .

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after

you

have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs,

trapping the

jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a

hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another

hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes

and is

ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease

buildup on

crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile

strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have

forgotten

to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool

that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

without

the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric

acid

from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that

your

battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a

drop

light, it is a good source of vitamin D, " the sunshine vitamin " , which

is

not otherwise found at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose

is to

consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm

howitzer

shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of

the

Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,

as

the name implies, to round-out screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,

Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.