Nothing works at all

[Guest guest]

I have been under more or less constant stress at home for more than 30 years.

My wife came with a 5 year old who hated me and has since grown into an adult

with full blown BiPolar with psychotic tendencies. My wife herself, I learned

much too late, was physically and sexually abused as a young teen by a violent,

drunk, deviant father. He made her perform oral sex on him and he did the same

on her. So that has never been part of out sex life, which has mainly been of

the variety I call " she gets drunk enough first, then lube it and stick it " and

as soon as I'm done she rolls me off and goes to the bathroom. Two more

children followed, one relatively normal, the other anything but.

My son was diagnosed with ADHD at 3. I also found out my wife was suicidially

depressed, had a plan all ready, the works. She was hospitalized for two months

(all the insurance would cover) and was still thinking about it and has been for

more than 20 years, all the time in whish she's been in constant therapy.

Meanwhile my son's increasingly bizarre behavior earned him a diagnosis of

Aspergers Syndrome at 13. More and different drugs, none that ever helped.

Then I was starting to take Zoloft or Prozac and sometimes Wellbutrin. For

several years. And I started to develop ED. At first I used penile injections

and they worked wonderfully, Then Viagra came out and it helped enough but just

barely. By this time, since I'd been forced to give up pot, I switched to

alcohol and became a heavy alcoholic.

Now, I also had some other risk factors. I had smoked 22 years but I quit in

1993. I have high blood pressure, a bum thyroid, and diabetes. And taking meds

for all. Also have sleep apnea and sleep with a CPAP machine.

In 2008 I had a variant of MRSA that nearly killed me and settled in my lumbar

region, eventually eating up half each of two vertebrae and the intervening

disc. It took almost a year to eliminate the infection and no one was sure if

my spine was stable. So I had a couple of fusion operations and now have a

titanium rod in my back. It and my watch can survive orbital re-entry, though

of course I'll be burnt steak.

I lost my job during all this and of course have never been able to find

another. All the computer programmng jobs have gone offshore. I'm too old

anyway. Though it is a mercy to be on Medicare, considering what I see working

people are going through these days.

Last year my son was schizophrenic, a classical case right out of my college

text books (I have a degree in psychology. Imagine that.)

Then his diagnosis changed to BiPolar with Psychotic tendencies. It's since

been changed to Schizoaffective disorder, sort of a combination of schizophrenia

and bipolar. Whatever they call it they give him some heavy duty and incredibly

expensive anti-psychotics.

Then the oldest child, the Bipolar one, got herself in a mess by leaving her job

and moving to Portland, Oregon to stay with a friend until she could find a job

there. She couldn't, and after a year she and her 10 year old daughter we're

being thrown out of the shelters. We ended up moving them here and put up with

them for almost a year. She has finally gotten a job, a car (that cost us

$4500) and her own apartment. Now, in order to stay away from her and return to

the home of our hearts, we're about to move to Portland ourselves. Ironic, eh?

I quit drinking finally.

At any rate I began to realize not only had my ED worsened but I now no longer

had any libido. None at all. Nothing arouses me. Urologists checked my

hormones, and hiked my testosterone so high I could have tried out for the Green

Bay Packers. But it did nothing for either my ED or my libido. Neither does

Viagra, Cilalis, and Levitra, and the penile injectons. The truth is no one can

find anything wrong with my penis or any reason I have no libido and can't get

an erection even in the presence of a nude, beautiful women who is more than

willing to make love to me.

Obviously there is something systemically wrong here when all those measures

won't work, even a little. I hit on PSSD as one cause my urologist had not

investigated. Plus the area of my spine affected by my bout with Staph is the

part that is involved in the phsical process of erections.

I live with the nightmare that I may now be permanently unable to have sex of

any kind. And that makes life almost not worth living.