Re: Anxiety over working with little ones

[Guest guest]

,

This is grief and should be treated as such. Even if you weren’t planning on having more kids, you now know it will be impossible and seeing babies reminds you that you will never have that again. It’s hard and you need to figure out how to best deal with your grief.

Many years ago (although sometimes it seems like not that long ago) my cousin’s daughter was in my CBE class. This is a girl I’ve known since – as I like to joke with her – her dad was her mom’s new boyfriend. She went into labor, labored beautifully, everything the way you would expect and her baby never took a breath or opened her eyes. After 30 mins of effort they got a faint heartbeat (so APGAR of 1 at 30 min) and put her on life support in the NICU. The next day the whole family (on both sides) was there as we took her off life support and waited. I had another class scheduled right after that – with a couple my cousin was friends with in that class. After every class I cried for an hour (watching the birth videos and seeing families watching their newborns cry and respond to them was too much) and trying to answer her friends questions about her baby’s death. I cried daily – and when that class ended I couldn’t do it again, it took too much out of me. I stopped teaching for a year, I still Lead my LLL meetings, but a class was too much pain. I finally got to teaching again, I have the picture of me holding that beautiful baby girl in my classroom when I talk about preparing for the birth not going as planned. It took time, some teachers can probably still go on teaching – but it was a bit too personal for me. Reaching out to CB teachers & midwives I knew helped, but giving myself time to grieve is probably why all these years later I still love teaching and meeting new couples. Doing this work re-energies me again instead of leaving me spent.

So why it’s a lot different from what you are experiencing it’s all part of grieving. You need to grieve to be able to help others without it hurting you. Only you will know what you can do – you may find going on as if there is no reason to slow down helps or you may need to not work for a week or two every so often. Put your heart first, or like the old saying goes – you can’t fill other’s needs from an empty pitcher.

I hope that helps, take care of yourself and don’t hesitate to post here when you need a pick-me up and acknowledgement that you are doing what is right for you.

Felicia Henry, BCCE, IBCLC

Oxnard, CA

To: Sent: Sunday, March 4, 2012 6:34 PMSubject: Anxiety over working with little ones

I am not sure that this posting is strictly on topic, but I am hoping some of you will be able to help!I am a new IBCLC (2010), and my business is small. I am the only private practice IBCLC in the county and the only LLL leader in the county. I am preparing to have a hysterectomy later this year for health reasons (I am in my early 30's). I find that I am having more and more difficulties being around babies. Right now it is just a little sadness, but it is causing me to be anxious and worried about how well I will be able to handle my work after it is done. (I know I shouldn't worry about "what if", and certainly not this early.... but I am.Any words of wisdom? Laurean, IBCLCwww.milkmadebymom.com__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 6937 (20120304) __________The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.http://www.eset.com

[Guest guest]

Thank you, ladies!! That was exactly the kind of suggestions and encouragement that I needed to hear!Sent from my iPad

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[Guest guest]

Hi ,I would also add, try to focus on being happy for the families you are helping and the difference that you are making for them if it feels too hard. I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago. I work mostly in the hospital setting and it was really difficult going back for the first few days. Instead of feeling jealous I focused on being happy for them and thought back to how it felt when my daughter was first born. Take time off if you need it though.Alice , IBCLCSimi Valley, CASubject: Re: Anxiety over working with little onesTo: " "

< >Date: Sunday, March 4, 2012, 4:14 PM

Thank you, ladies!! That was exactly the kind of suggestions and encouragement that I needed to hear!Sent from my iPad

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[Guest guest]

Ah, you all brought me to tears…dammit! – everyone is absolutely right. You need to just take the time you need to do whatever it is you need to do for yourself. Get some counseling if you feel it will help. After the birth of my 3rd baby my (now ex) husband decided suddenly to have a vasectomy. I wanted one more kid…he did not. He had his surgery – and my childbearing years were done. I was furious and angry about it for a very long time. I grieved for a very long time. It was no longer my choice. Fast forward several years when I left him and subsequently came out as lesbian. Suddenly it was maybe possible to have that baby. I finally met my wife and we got pregnant Dec of 2010. We miscarried in Feb 2011 and it was really bad – I nearly died. Now that my health has recovered, I am very interested in working on my luteal cycle (which was why I miscarried – too short a luteal phase) and trying again. My wife will have NONE of it. I can’t do it without her…and I am angry. I am grieving…still. I want to have one more…almost desperately. And I have no say in the matter. I honestly don’t really know how to handle it…but I get by – one day at a time. I play it off as if it is no big deal…but it is! Having that choice removed and having to face the reality bites. After this last miscarriage I had no problem working with babies of people I didn’t know. In fact I needed to be working to feel like I wasn’t a failure since I couldn’t sustain a pregnancy (the mind games we play on ourselves right?). Not, perhaps the most emotionally healthy choice, but I didn’t know what else to do. And it gave me a sense of being OK in some way. BUT - pregnant people I did know? I couldn’t handle it. It didn’t matter if they were family, friends or clients I had become close to over the years…it was nearly unbearable – and still is. My 18 yr old niece is pregnant and due in 4 months and wants her favorite Aunti Jaye to come help her BF. I don’t think I can do it…I can’t even talk to her right now…or look at her ultrasounds. It is what it is, you know? It is where I am at…there isn’t a lot I can do other than either deal with it or stuff it. And I won’t stuff it… This is one of those very important times to take care of you above all else. Feel what you need to feel, cry when you need to cry and scream when you need to scream. We get it – we understand. And we are definitely here. And absolutely there are those of us who will assist moms on phone calls…I am one of them. If you can’t and you need to refer out, make a list of people you can send those moms to for phone and in person/skype help… Sometimes we need to step back so we can pull ourselves back together to step back in… BIG HUGS to You! Warmly,Jaye Jaye Simpson, CLC, IBCLC, CIIM, MoMBreastfeeding Networkwww.breastfeedingnetwork.net