Re: Are aspies more vulnerable?

January 20, 2005

Ilah:

> I think, as couple people mentioned, aspies are more vulnerable. I

think we are especially vulnerable to being used by people who are

friendly to us. I am not saying that NTs are not also hurt or

abused or used by people they thought of as friends but I think

aspies are more vulnerable in this area because of problems reading

people. Also I think it is more difficult for us to deal with

contradictory people, for example people who act nice but do mean

things.

Right. Well explained.

> I think in the area of sexual abuse aspies are not as clear about

the distinction between appropriate touching and inappropriate

touching. NTs seem to " learn " this at a much younger age than aspie

children. I put learn in quotes because when I was growing up I

can't recall this ever being taught to me. I have looked at

materials since then to help kids understand and many of them seem a

little vague. They say things like " if anyone touches you in a way

that makes you feel uncomfortable " tell a grown up. I don't think

this is enough for an aspie child. I think you need to be specific,

like there are certain body parts that no one should touch.

Yes! If not informed with precision, one is left to guessing. When I was a

kid, my mother said that I was to beware of older men and not accept or go

with them if they would offer me candy. That's all she said. It was obvious

to me that she was trying to warn me of coming to harm, but the only harm I

could think of was being killed, so I figured that if some man offered me

candy it would be poisoned. (Logical deduction, right?) This made me deadly

afraid of any older male (i.e. anyone over about 8 years of age) since I

thought they could all be out to kill me. Thus, vague hints are NOT a good

way of informing an Aspie.

> As a child I was a victum of inappropriate touching (a pattern

that lasted a couple years) and I don't think at the time I was fully

aware of the wrongness of what was being done to me. As I looked

back on it I was very hard on myself for my complacancy. I figured

I was old enough at that time that I should have understood the

seriousness and done something. But looking back from now I wounder

if the AS was a factor in me not realizing how inappropriate it was

at the time of the abuse.

I absolutely think so. I so agree that many of us lack an instinct for what

is acceptable or not and tend to put up with a lot more than we should. You

should not feel bad about that. If someone took advantage of your innocence

then the fault is theirs entirely.

> I also think it would be good to teach aspie children that if

someone tells us " don't tell your mom " or " don't tell your parents "

that means you should tell your parents.

Yes! An excellent rule!

> I used to curse myself that my silence was kept for years simply because I

> was told not to tell.

I've cursed myself for being as compliant in other areas. I really think one

should be provided with an instruction book upon arrival into this world.

How else is one supposed to know what's acceptable and not??

> Would an NT child be silent just because she was told not to tell?

Not as likely, if they didn't like what was going on.

> Would an aspie child be more likely to be silent because she

was told not to tell?

We follow the rules. If someone says " Don't tell " then we don't tell.

Simple. (Unless we have an overriding rule, such as you suggest.) This tip

should be stated in family forums too. Mind if I pass it along?

> Over the years I have been very hard on myself for my failures and

problems, now that I see that AS has been a factor in many of them,

it has helped me to be less harsh with myself.

I'm glad to hear it. (I've been more forgiving of myself too since I found

out.)

Inger

January 20, 2005

Yes, feel free to share on the family forum. After reading Martka's

comments I was left to think how would we go about explaining

appropriate touch v. not appropriate touch to an aspie. Trying to

put it in words it becomes difficult. I would probably have to use

some fairly explict language and also pictures of the human body to

make sure it was clear which body parts I was talking about. When I

was younger I think the term used was " private parts " but that

really isn't very explict. Actually it might work to say that any

body part that is covered by underwear is a " no touching " area, but

that would not cover breasts for girls who have not yet started

wearing a bra. You would also have to explain any exceptions, like

it is okay if a doctor touches you as part of a medical exam. And

of course you don't want to make it so rigid that they would be

unable to enter an intimate relationship with another person when

they were old enough and ready to do so. I wounder if perhaps

anyone here or on one of the other forums already knows of such a

program. If one does not exist, perhaps we should try to make a

booklet or something to explain. I don't really feel the most

qualified to do so, but once we started this discussion it now feels

important that we have something we can give to aspies and their

parents to help them through this difficult situation.

Ilah

> Ilah:

> > I think, as couple people mentioned, aspies are more

vulnerable. I

> think we are especially vulnerable to being used by people who are

> friendly to us. I am not saying that NTs are not also hurt or

> abused or used by people they thought of as friends but I think

> aspies are more vulnerable in this area because of problems reading

> people. Also I think it is more difficult for us to deal with

> contradictory people, for example people who act nice but do mean

> things.

>

> Right. Well explained.

>

> > I think in the area of sexual abuse aspies are not as clear about

> the distinction between appropriate touching and inappropriate

> touching. NTs seem to " learn " this at a much younger age than

aspie

> children. I put learn in quotes because when I was growing up I

> can't recall this ever being taught to me. I have looked at

> materials since then to help kids understand and many of them seem

a

> little vague. They say things like " if anyone touches you in a way

> that makes you feel uncomfortable " tell a grown up. I don't think

> this is enough for an aspie child. I think you need to be

specific,

> like there are certain body parts that no one should touch.

>

> Yes! If not informed with precision, one is left to guessing. When

I was a

> kid, my mother said that I was to beware of older men and not

accept or go

> with them if they would offer me candy. That's all she said. It

was obvious

> to me that she was trying to warn me of coming to harm, but the

only harm I

> could think of was being killed, so I figured that if some man

offered me

> candy it would be poisoned. (Logical deduction, right?) This made

me deadly

> afraid of any older male (i.e. anyone over about 8 years of age)

since I

> thought they could all be out to kill me. Thus, vague hints are

NOT a good

> way of informing an Aspie.

>

> > As a child I was a victum of inappropriate touching (a pattern

> that lasted a couple years) and I don't think at the time I was

fully

> aware of the wrongness of what was being done to me. As I looked

> back on it I was very hard on myself for my complacancy. I figured

> I was old enough at that time that I should have understood the

> seriousness and done something. But looking back from now I

wounder

> if the AS was a factor in me not realizing how inappropriate it was

> at the time of the abuse.

>

> I absolutely think so. I so agree that many of us lack an instinct

for what

> is acceptable or not and tend to put up with a lot more than we

should. You

> should not feel bad about that. If someone took advantage of your

innocence

> then the fault is theirs entirely.

>

> > I also think it would be good to teach aspie children that if

> someone tells us " don't tell your mom " or " don't tell your parents "

> that means you should tell your parents.

>

> Yes! An excellent rule!

>

> > I used to curse myself that my silence was kept for years simply

because I

> > was told not to tell.

>

> I've cursed myself for being as compliant in other areas. I really

think one

> should be provided with an instruction book upon arrival into this

world.

> How else is one supposed to know what's acceptable and not??

>

> > Would an NT child be silent just because she was told not to

tell?

>

> Not as likely, if they didn't like what was going on.

>

> > Would an aspie child be more likely to be silent because she

> was told not to tell?

>

> We follow the rules. If someone says " Don't tell " then we don't

tell.

> Simple. (Unless we have an overriding rule, such as you suggest.)

This tip

> should be stated in family forums too. Mind if I pass it along?

>

> > Over the years I have been very hard on myself for my failures

and

> problems, now that I see that AS has been a factor in many of them,

> it has helped me to be less harsh with myself.

>

> I'm glad to hear it. (I've been more forgiving of myself too since

I found

> out.)

>

> Inger

January 20, 2005

sorry about the question...I simply just don't know and didn't exactly

have anyone telling me how to make out those sort of differences...I

apologise for the question and my confusion...it is times like these that I

hate being an Aspie!! Martka

--- Ilah wrote:

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