Re: No sex, please! I'm asexual

[Guest guest]

There have been many studies that show men and women both tend to think about sex at least once per minute. It has never been that way with me, well at least not since puberty, and that must really be a curse to be like that. I've seen the look in guy's eyes when they see a pretty girl, and in the girl's when they see a handsome guy, and it makes me wonder. Now I can look at a pretty woman and just appreciate her beauty without the sexual aspect. It is almost like different parts of the brain are activated. Perhaps it is the way certain people react when looking at a fine work of art or a beautiful landscape. That is not to say the other side doesn't come into play sometimes, it certainly does, just not that often. Some of that is probably a side effect of the medicine I am on, but no complaints if that is so.

[Guest guest]

> www.asexuality.org

I checked this out... sounds like exactly the community for me!

When I was married (for 10 years) we " did something " several times per

week, and I thought I was reasonably competent at it (and had a great

time... physically, my wife was the woman of my dreams.)

However, as the marriage ended (due to an affair on her part), she

began making the most insulting comments during our lovemaking (in an

attempt to drive me away, she later admitted.)

Funny thing is... I never got over that. Part of it was the very

notion of having had sex with someone who didn't want it. I found

that devastating, once it had sunk in.

She taught me to live without sex! Somehow, whatever " required "

signals sex sent to my brain, I pretty much started to get via other

channels. It has felt a bit like living on air alone without having

to eat.

I was able to perform OK later with another partner, but sex was like

something I no longer wanted to do, some vestigial, bothersome chore.

One reason I got out of that relationship.

Weird, huh?

Well, I registered on the site. There is an " Are there Aspies among

us? " thread... with lots of positive responses.

[Guest guest]

I found the following very interesting:

" Several members of Aven describe themselves as having Asperger's

syndrome, a mild form of autism. Asperger's can be associated with

sensory problems that make being touched seem intrusive or

intolerable. "

After 26 years of marriage, I am now facing the fact that I

frequently go into " hooker mode " for my husband. The more I have

allowed myself to be myself, allowing myself to respect my

Asperger's, the less I've even been able to do this. Fortunately, my

husband is very understanding, but, I feel guilty because I know that

over the years, I have been in charge of making him feel good, but he

hasn't been able to figure out what the heck to do to make me feel

good...besides letting me have a day alone in the house!

Sigh.

Can anyone else here relate?

[Guest guest]

Just saw your reply after I posted mine.

Personally, I can think of many more things I'd rather do than sex.

I guess the NT's don't? Even with my husband, I'd rather play

dominoes with him than be physical, even though he wins most of the

time. And, my husband is a very good man.

The thing is, BOTH the heterosexuals and the homosexuals would seem

to think that those of us who have better things to do than sex are

abnormal!

[Guest guest]

> I have noticed something like that too. I can usually touch other people without trouble but when they touch me, especially if by accident, I recoil as if I was burned. The other night my class had a get together that I attended. It went well but when we were leaving the ladies got a little huggy.

"Huggy" lol! My sympathies!

Lucky me, I have my perfume allergy to blaim on not wanting to hug people. And I don't even have to stretch the truth because if they have perfume on, I really do get very ill.

> I can't exactly describe how that felt but it wasn't panicky terrible but not pleasant either.

Precisely.

> The other thing was what I always noticed when hugging someone: the other person doesn't feel like a person, more like a thing. It is like there is no emotional connection or something just isn't getting through that it is a person. Hmm, this is just another one of those things were regular language falls short.

I think you described it perfectly adequately! That's how I feel too. Except on those rare occasions when there actually IS an emotional connection and both parties's heart energy centers are open. Usually this is not the case. And even if it is (such as between me and my friend, or me and my aunt) I easiliy get uncomfortable and don't want to open up too much. I usually just give them a stiff little hug what involves as little body contact as possible, and scurry off like a squirrel. I think I love people best from a little distance.

Inger

[Guest guest]

I've always wondered why our humanity is 99% determined by the pursuit of sex. I get annoyed when people assume that I am either in a sexual relationship or I am pursuing one. In chat rooms when sexuality is brought up, I assert that I am a celibate heterosexual. I laugh when people can't even parse out what that means. Tee hee hee. I mean really... the new sexual "closet" is now refraining therefrom?

and the zoo.

----- Original Message -----

From: Ritagail Personally, I can think of many more things I'd rather do than sex. I guess the NT's don't?

[Guest guest]

Venting here....

Speaking of medications, one thing that annoys the bejabbers out of me is the advertising for Welbutrin XL. The major selling point as an antidepressant is that it is less likely to cause sexual side-effects. I'm not sure how many women I've talked to who have changed their medication or stopped taking their medication because their HUSBANDs couldn't cope with it. I have full respect for a woman who enjoys sex for herself and asks for a different antidepressant. That is way cool. But to change just because the man can't cope? That just makes me gag and grosses me out to the max. Tell the dumb guy to just suck it up and be tough. Guys in the military who are deployed probably don't get much sex. Tell 'em to behave like marines! Why should the woman have to settle for a less appropriate medication? I put a much higher value on health than on a guy's sex life. Surely his identity as a person is more than a single appendage? Apparently not. Unless the woman really must have sex with the guy to keep him from having an affair or divorcing her, then maybe she is protecting her general lifestyle. Again, the man's "need" for sex is paramount in our society and I HATE it when I see it.

I am so glad that I don't have to worry about some dumb guy's sex life when making decisions about my own health. I can take any medication I need.

my 2 cents,

and the zoo.

----- Original Message -----

From: VISIGOTH@...

Some of that is probably a side effect of the medicine I am on, but no complaints if that is so.

[Guest guest]

I can relate in a way.

Without going into specifics, I think it has to do more with HOW an

Aspie wants to be touched rather than whether or not s/he wants to be

touched. I've found that by knowing my body better, I can enjoy

pleasure more.

My experience has been that women touch the way they want to be

touched and men touch the way they want to be touched. Women tend to

be gentle, men tend to be rougher.

If you figure out how, if at all, you are able to enjoy receiving

pleasure, perhaps this would be a time to re-instruct your husband on

how to please you.

You have to keep in mind two things:

Your body changes with age.

Your desire changes with age.

Thus receiving pleasure the way you did years ago may not work for

you anymore. Figure out what you need and then construct your special

time together to build up to that special moment.

Alternatively, have a frank discussion with him about it andf find

out what he wants and how much he wants it. You may find that he may

nopt want it as much either. Many times a man will come on to a

woman simply because he wishes to give her desire, ort alternatively,

because there is nothing better to do.

It may be possible to cut down a little, in other words, without it

having a significant impact on your relationship with him.

Tom

>

I found the following very interesting:

>

" Several members of Aven describe themselves as having Asperger's

syndrome, a mild form of autism. Asperger's can be associated with

sensory problems that make being touched seem intrusive or

intolerable. "

>

After 26 years of marriage, I am now facing the fact that I

frequently go into " hooker mode " for my husband. The more I have

allowed myself to be myself, allowing myself to respect my

Asperger's, the less I've even been able to do this. Fortunately, my

husband is very understanding, but, I feel guilty because I know that

over the years, I have been in charge of making him feel good, but he

hasn't been able to figure out what the heck to do to make me feel

good...besides letting me have a day alone in the house!

>

Sigh.

>

Can anyone else here relate?

[Guest guest]

For me, the desire comes and goes, but it doesn't arrive with the

frequency and intensity that it used to. I think that's naturally a

part of aging.

But the last relationship I had was five years ago. She cheated.

And that ended it for me. I have had no sexual relationships since.

I have had desire, but not enough to go seeking women.

I veiw this as a good thing, because since that time, I have begun to

look a little deeper into the non-sexual facets of women and actually

value them a bit more than I used to, though the games they play

still disgust me.

(My current girlfriend is the exception to the rule. There have been

no games. Thanks Inger!)

Tom

>

> > www.asexuality.org

I checked this out... sounds like exactly the community for me!

When I was married (for 10 years) we " did something " several times per

week, and I thought I was reasonably competent at it (and had a great

time... physically, my wife was the woman of my dreams.)

However, as the marriage ended (due to an affair on her part), she

began making the most insulting comments during our lovemaking (in an

attempt to drive me away, she later admitted.)

Funny thing is... I never got over that. Part of it was the very

notion of having had sex with someone who didn't want it. I found

that devastating, once it had sunk in.

She taught me to live without sex! Somehow, whatever " required "

signals sex sent to my brain, I pretty much started to get via other

channels. It has felt a bit like living on air alone without having

to eat.

I was able to perform OK later with another partner, but sex was like

something I no longer wanted to do, some vestigial, bothersome chore.

One reason I got out of that relationship.

Weird, huh?

Well, I registered on the site. There is an " Are there Aspies among

us? " thread... with lots of positive responses.

[Guest guest]

:

> There have been many studies that show men and women both tend to think about sex at least once per minute. It has never been that way with me, well at least not since puberty, and that must really be a curse to be like that. I've seen the look in guy's eyes when they see a pretty girl, and in the girl's when they see a handsome guy, and it makes me wonder. Now I can look at a pretty woman and just appreciate her beauty without the sexual aspect. It is almost like different parts of the brain are activated. Perhaps it is the way certain people react when looking at a fine work of art or a beautiful landscape. That is not to say the other side doesn't come into play sometimes, it certainly does, just not that often. Some of that is probably a side effect of the medicine I am on, but no complaints if that is so.

, I'm not on any medication and I feel exactly the same way. Beautiful and attractive are two different things to me. Many people are beautiful, but VERY few are attractive to the extent that I'd like closer contact with them. I've also always had rather odd taste and tend to find current Western ideals of skinny or overly well-trained rather off-turning. Soft and natural is so much more attractive to me.

Did anyone see the show Average Joe (fist and second season)? I could not for the life of me understand what the big deal was with those "Ken" types that were shipped in in the middle of it. IMO they looked like latex dolls and had about as much personality. Most of the "average Joes" (many of them Aspies, actually) at least had brains, heart and charm.

Inger