You'll laugh at this one!

[Guest guest]

I obviously have a friend with a sick and twisted mind...<giggle>, she sent

this to me just in time...my " first " is coming up next week!!!

I just thought I would share a good laugh with you all!

Charlene

Today the Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma

Bombeck Writing Competition. 1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne

Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon.

" The First Time's Always the Worst "

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on

fire.

That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as

she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on

the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly

possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so

tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure

's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast

to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a

pancake and still attached to my body.

" Oh no! " Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want to

hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past me, her

lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her

shoulder, " The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help! "

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear

from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and

semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in

question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't

have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my

lung (the one that was still working). I hadn't seen anything on fire, so

my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell

smoke coming from behind the partition. " This is ridiculous, " I thought. I

can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death:

breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary

fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hatchet. " Howdy, ma'am, " he said.

What's happened here? " he asked, averting his eyes.

" My breasts were too hot for the machine, " I quipped, as my imaginary

fireman ran out of the room again. " This is gonna take the Jaws of Life! "

In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.

She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. " Sorry! That's the

first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few

minutes to relax before we finish up? "

I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my

backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I

figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.

The end.

Hope you all laughed as much as I. Now, ladies, get those mammograms but be

prepared.