Re: Socializing

[Guest guest]

I have been desperately trying to learn " social skills " for years.

The trouble is that it is far more subtle than simply saying " hello " ,

" how are you " etc. If it was simply a case of learning social skills,

believe me, I would have learned them by now.

There simply is something fundamentally different about the Aspergian

brain.

I think this describes it quite well:

http://ascaris1.home.att.net/what_is.html

Jezzer

--- " medsec5848 " wrote:

> Could people with

> Aspergia not develope more social skills should they try.

[Guest guest]

Hi Leigh, and welcome to this group.

> I am new to the group and do not have Aspergia Symptoms, though one of my

best friends does. In talking to Zoo, I understand that the side of the

brain that handles intelligence is more gifted than the side that handles

social behavior and feelings, than someone who doesn't share your symtoms.

And though the others may be more adaptable to social skills and dealing

with people their intelligence would not be up to yours.

This seems to be a rather broad generelazation, but if you allow for many

exceptions and nuances to that rule, I'd say that approximately, yes. We are

often better at other things than at socializing. MUCH better. :-)

> Is this something that can be changed, people can become more intellegent

through study. Could people with

Aspergia not develope more social skills should they try.

Yes, in my experience, that is possible. I was born as clueless as they

come, but have, after decades of experience of a multitude of different

types of social circles, a special education in how to understand others,

and lots of practice, learned to become rather good at getting along with

other people, and sometimes even more aware of what's going on than those

around me. I still habutually disregard social rules which I find silly and

superfluous, but at least now I am aware of doing so and why, whereas before

I had no idea and got very confused as to what I had done wrong.

> Or is it a case where they can see no problem with themselves, and feel

that if a problem exist it is on the side of the one who is experiencing it.

Both, I'd say. Because we usually have surprisingly little trouble

understanding and getting along with each other. It is almost like we really

are a different species. What is shocking for others is normal to us, and

vice versa.

- To us it is for example perfectly normal to be straight and honest even if

the truth may hurt. To us it is upsetting when people are NOT

stragightforward and open. Even if the person is only trying to spare our

feelings, we interpret it as being dishonest and possibly manipulating.

Whereas they in turn may interpret us as rude or blunt, when we're only

sharing correct information and actually NOT AT ALL intending to hurt. (If

you don't want to know what your ass looks REALLY looks like in a particular

garment, DO NOT ask an Aspergian's opinion.) :-)

So in all social misunderstandings between us and non-aspergians, the

miscommunication is totally mutual. The majority of our idiosyncracies have

yet to be understood by non-Aspergians. Almost everything we say and do is

habitually misconstrued into things that are merely projections and

judgements and have very little to do with reality.

- If we hold our ears when you speak, it's not to be rude, or that we don't

want to hear what you have to say, it is only that your voice may hurt our

supersensitive hearing. Nothing personal.

- If we don't want to be hugged by you, it doesn't mean we don't like you,

only that our skin is too sensitive to be touched.

- If we pass you on the street without saying hi, we may be too absorbed in

our own thoughts or may not recognize your face in a setting that we aren't

mentally prepared to expect to find it.

- If we walk away without saying goodbye, it doesn't mean we're rude or

don't care about you, we may not know we're " supposed to " , realize why it's

necessary, or remember to.

The misunderstandings and judgements usually come from when people interpret

our normal way of functioning as a personal insult and have enough emotional

baggage to get " hurt " by that interpretation.

Hope this may explain a little of it. Feel free to ask more. Especially if

there are any particular " behaviors " which you need a translation for.

Hmmmm, perhaps we could create an online Aspergese-to-NTese dictionary?

Or is there one already? Anyone who knows?

Inger

[Guest guest]

I've found that studying first animal behavior and then human

behavior has helped me to get along better among nuerotypical

people. Still, what few social behaviors I have learned have never

felt natural, even with practice. There seems to be a stop-gap time

between when someone says something and what sort of response I give,

and this is because I am taking a brief amount of time to evaluate

what has been said and to run through the catelogue of appropriate

responses to the statement. I select the one that I believe is the

most appropriate, and then respond.

To understand how that works, try to imagine I came up to you and

aked this of you, requiring an IMMEDIATE response:

" MedSec, in regard to fluidic and electrolyte disturbances in

children, when calculating replacement therapy, is fluid deficit

taken to be equal to the estimated bodywieght loss in kg, or not? "

By the way the question is structured, you can tell that it is a " YES

or NO " question (meaning the answer is either YES or NO), but even

so, you probably won't be able to give the CORRECT answer(YES or NO)

without first understanding what I'm talking about. The trouble is, I

want an answer from you NOW!

So what do you do? You make your best guess and hope it's the

correct answer.

This is what I do every day in regard to resolving social situations

that are confusing to me.

Now youy might think that once you learn the correct answer, you can

use it every time the same situation arises, right?

But no two social situations are ever the same. And so I always have

to evaluate the situation before I can make my best guess and respond

accordingly. That's why people think I'm a robot sometimes when I

don't respond to someone's joke right away, or when I don't show the

appropriate facial expression in response to some story they've just

told me.

And that's only one aspect of Asperger's Syndrome.

I interpret meaning literally. If I ask a group of people, " Hey, are

you all interested in talking about dimorphism in cats? " and someone

answers, " Uh, maybe later Tom, " I take it to mean, " Yes we do, in a

half hour or so, " not " What are you? Some kind of geek? No way! "

It's very difficult to explain to someone who doesn't have AS because

it's so natural to me. I can listen to what Inger says about AS and

understand everything she says and means perfectly, but I'm betting

you're still confused.

Keep asking questions and we'll try to answer as best we can.

Tom

-- In FAMSecretSociety , " medsec5848 " <leigh0508@a...>

wrote:

> I am new to the group and do not have Aspergia Symptoms, though one

> of my best friends does. In talking to Zoo, I understand that the

> side of the brain that handles intelligence is more gifted than the

> side that handles social behavior and feelings, than someone who

> doesn't share your symtoms. And though the others may be more

> adaptable to social skills and dealing with people their

intelligence

> would not be up to yours. Is this something that can be changed,

> people can become more intellegent through study. Could people

with

> Aspergia not develope more social skills should they try. Or is it

a

> case where they can see no problem with themselves, and feel that

if

> a problem exist it is on the side of the one who is experiencing

it.

> I know very little about this and trying to learn. Any input is

> welcome....Thanks, leigh