Re: Rite of Passage

[Guest guest]

We all will pray for u all - hang in there. Love can nev be too late!

hugs

ao

[Guest guest]

Dear Frances I'm sorry to hear that.

I honour your feelings. Thankyou so much for sharing this.

Precious ...

>

>Hello everyone:

>

>I am at the rite of passage that's about saying good bye to my mother who

>is

>dying. She had a massive stroke on Friday last week, was flown by air

>ambulance from Florida to Toronto on Monday and is expected to pass at

>anytime.

>

>It was never an easy relationship for either of us. She is a very ordinary

>women with working class values who only wanted her family close to her in

>the world she knew. I always had aspirations to better myself by learning,

>travelling, experiencing life to the fullest. I came back to her only to

>have to listen to the minutae of details about shopping, cooking and

>cleaning. It's been very, very difficult not to have her support for my

>talents and gifts. I feel so much sorrow at what was never lived between

>us, the bond that was broken early in my life and the women who I couldn't

>really relate to or identify with.

>

>My father is still in Florida and in such denial I wonder whether he isn't

>disturbed. No one can reason with him, it doesn't matter how much reality

>we throw at him, he simply won't come to his wife's bedside, insisting on

>packing up their Florida house and driving his truck home. I am sending my

>son to Florida on Saturday to drive him home because he thinks he can drive

>1400 miles on his own. He wants to control from a distance, telling me

>it's not my place to make funeral arrangements. But I am not, I am merely

>gathering information so that we can make the right choices from a whole

>host of choices about what's best for my mother. I really need some

>understanding as I seem to be getting very angry with his delusions and

>denial. Can anyone help me with this? What am I dealing with here, has

>anyone else been through this?

>

>And now, here I am the only family she has, at her bedside, bathing her,

>caressing her and loving her, easing her into the next life by telling her

>it's okay to go, acknowledging the love she's brought into the world,

>giving

>more than she got. It's such a singular privilege to be with her at this

>time. I see her life ebbing away from her. She has precious love in her

>heart because it is beating strongly for someone who is 82 years old. The

>doctors and nurses marvel at how strong she is, and I can't believe she's

>survived a massive stroke, a fall and inhaled vomit into her lungs. She is

>going out strong, her heart, open and loving.

>

>God be with us.

>

>Frances

>

>

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Frances,

I wish I could stand behind you and hold you as you wait and watch with

your mother. It is a precious time you have been given. All of the ways

in which the two of you are different take back stage to the reality of

this present moment and the opening of your hearts to each other. It is

terrifying and wondrous, deeply moving and intensely painful.

Your father is in shock. Don't assume that he doesn't get it. He will

take in just as much reality as he can when he can and as he can, and it

may not include watching his life partner die or acknowledging in words

that this is happening. I know how frustrating it is -- especially

when the reality is crashing in on you -- but there is nothing to be

gained by forcing it on him. He is holding himself together by doing

(packing, driving), by fending off the information he cannot take in,

and by trying to hang on to some sense of control in a situation that

has suddenly spiralled out of anyone's control. It sounds like you are

doing what you can do for him -- making sure he is accompanied on the

drive, gathering information, and even standing in for him at her

bedside. All I can suggest is to be very, very gentle with him and

allow him to have his defenses along with as much of the decision making

as is possible.

And to be very, very gentle with yourself. Be sure to take as much care

of yourself as you can \ as you travel with your mother on this journey.

Eat, have a stiff drink, take a shower and change your clothes, go

outside to breathe and stretch, keep yourself centered in whatever way

helps you do that.

My love and prayers go with you,

Marilyn

[Guest guest]

Postscript:

At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;

Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,

But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,

Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,

Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,

There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.

T. S. Eliot

" 'Go' said the bird, 'Human kind cannot bear too much reality.'

Time past, Time future,

What might have been and what have been,

Point to one end; always present. "

T.S.Eliot

" 'Go' said the bird, 'Human kind cannot bear too much reality.'

Time past, Time future,

What might have been and what have been,

Point to one end; always present. "

T.S.Eliot

[Guest guest]

Sorry about the add-ons to my T.S. Eliot quote -- I didn't realize I'd

pasted the other piece, much less twice (it actually comes a bit earlier

in Burnt Norton). Maybe someone was supposed to hear it -- but twice???

Marilyn

[Guest guest]

Dear Francis:

I can really understand some of what you must be going through and will hold

you and your mother in my heart and prayers. My mother died very unexpectedly

last April and we also had a difficult relationships with many things

unresolved. The very moment I heard of her death I had a most amazing

experience and it was as if everything that stood between us; all of the

differences, misunderstandings and hurt feelings evaporated and there was

nothing left but pure love. It was an incredible gift; as if she gave me

wings, the freedom to put down old wounds and be more fully accepting of my

life. I wish I could have been with her during her passage but that wasn't

meant to be. It's a very sacred and profound passage, this saying good-bye

to the one who gave us life. I feel I am in the world in a very different wa

y.

Much love to you and your family.

Suzanne

Peace is the only battle worth waging. "

                        --- Albert Camus

[Guest guest]

Dear Frances,

My goodness, it sounds so much like my experience with the death of my

father in many ways.

The misunderstandings about " funeral arrangements " with all those close

wanting something different and emotions causing us to say things we did not

really mean.

It was a very painful experience in my life and the blame came from every

member of my family, I might add. I thought I was doing the right thing the

right way to save my mother as much as possible from " arrangement making'

and grief.

With the death of my mother, I learned the overwhelming sadness that comes

from a relationship that was not as either of us wished. I still am very

sad...12 years later, that she was incapable of a happier life, and that we

never seemed on the same wave length as she got older.

It is not a matter of guilt. I do not believe I was willfully wrong or

hurtful, ( well occasionally )but just not attuned enough.I was busy

protecting myself from further hurt and unable to reach out past it in any

visible, bodily contact.

It is all filled with sadness at what could have been had we both been

different people. Silly, isn't it?. But her life was unlived in many ways

on a deeper level...and misunderstandings arose on both our parts.

She and I , and my father too, have a much better relationship in these

years since their deaths. we do speak a lot, and I understand so much better

what both of them were about.

It is a great relationship now and all the mea culpas, all the missed

opportunities are forgiven on both sides.

One does not stop communicating with someone close just because they are no

longer here in flesh and blood,I think.

AndI learned a lot about loving, and being demonstrative from my lack of

it when it was needed then. I will not make that mistake again.

I understand how hard it is. I am happy for you that you are there. I was

not, until the last minutes with my father, and not with my mother either,

although her favorite granddaughter was until the end. I was too far away,

and death came unexpectedly for her (at age 90)She didn't know me for 2

years before she died anyway.And I was much less capable than my youngest

daughter to show the love, she was able to show at the end. G-d bless her,

and also my other children who were able to show and demonstrate what I was

unable to do at certain dark times in my life.

It took me a long time and much inner work to set both relationships right.

I do not believe those relationships end, ever.It is never too late, I

believe.

My heart goes out to you, and loving energy.I know these days will be so

hard for you.

Toni

Rite of Passage

> Hello everyone:

>

> I am at the rite of passage that's about saying good bye to my mother who

is

> dying. She had a massive stroke on Friday last week, was flown by air

> ambulance from Florida to Toronto on Monday and is expected to pass at

> anytime.

>

> It was never an easy relationship for either of us. She is a very

ordinary

> women with working class values who only wanted her family close to her in

> the world she knew. I always had aspirations to better myself by

learning,

> travelling, experiencing life to the fullest. I came back to her only to

> have to listen to the minutae of details about shopping, cooking and

> cleaning. It's been very, very difficult not to have her support for my

> talents and gifts. I feel so much sorrow at what was never lived between

> us, the bond that was broken early in my life and the women who I couldn't

> really relate to or identify with.

>

> My father is still in Florida and in such denial I wonder whether he isn't

> disturbed. No one can reason with him, it doesn't matter how much reality

> we throw at him, he simply won't come to his wife's bedside, insisting on

> packing up their Florida house and driving his truck home. I am sending

my

> son to Florida on Saturday to drive him home because he thinks he can

drive

> 1400 miles on his own. He wants to control from a distance, telling me

> it's not my place to make funeral arrangements. But I am not, I am merely

> gathering information so that we can make the right choices from a whole

> host of choices about what's best for my mother. I really need some

> understanding as I seem to be getting very angry with his delusions and

> denial. Can anyone help me with this? What am I dealing with here, has

> anyone else been through this?

>

> And now, here I am the only family she has, at her bedside, bathing her,

> caressing her and loving her, easing her into the next life by telling her

> it's okay to go, acknowledging the love she's brought into the world,

giving

> more than she got. It's such a singular privilege to be with her at this

> time. I see her life ebbing away from her. She has precious love in her

> heart because it is beating strongly for someone who is 82 years old. The

> doctors and nurses marvel at how strong she is, and I can't believe she's

> survived a massive stroke, a fall and inhaled vomit into her lungs. She

is

> going out strong, her heart, open and loving.

>

> God be with us.

>

> Frances

>

>

>

>

>

>

> " Our highest duty as human beings is to search out a means whereby beings

may be freed from all kinds of unsatisfactory experience and suffering. "

>

> H.H. Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th. Dalai Lama

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It is possible to resolve unresolved stuff after they go. I was able to with

my mum.

Colette

>From: Brita44@...

>

>Dear Francis:

>

>I can really understand some of what you must be going through and will

>hold

>you and your mother in my heart and prayers. My mother died very

>unexpectedly

>last April and we also had a difficult relationships with many things

>unresolved. The very moment I heard of her death I had a most amazing

>experience and it was as if everything that stood between us; all of the

>differences, misunderstandings and hurt feelings evaporated and there was

>nothing left but pure love. It was an incredible gift; as if she gave me

>wings, the freedom to put down old wounds and be more fully accepting of my

>life. I wish I could have been with her during her passage but that

>wasn't

>meant to be. It's a very sacred and profound passage, this saying

>good-bye

>to the one who gave us life. I feel I am in the world in a very different

>wa

>y.

>Much love to you and your family.

>

>Suzanne

>

>

>

>Peace is the only battle worth waging. "

>                        --- Albert Camus

>

>

>

>

>