Guest guest Posted May 3, 2001 Report Share Posted May 3, 2001 Pat, Would there be a way that you could set up an appt for your mom right after your dad's appt and you go with them? It sounds as though your mom may be depressed as well as stressed (and the disruption to her sleep cycle, insomnia, etc could cause her memory problems). Ann's suggestion about a support group for your mom is good too. I don't know what I'd be doing if I didn't have my online support groups! If you decide to take your mom away for a day or two, make sure your caregiver has a plan B and knows where to contact you. When I was in the hospital and my sister was with my husband, we needed our plan B. You may not as your dad and caregiver will be in their familiar environment but... well, you know you never know with LBD. For me I always have to work on separating my husband from the disease. Your mom may be yelling at your dad just to keep from crying about it all the time. My husband asks me what to do next all the time because he truly doesn't know - and it's very sad and frustrating to see this happening. He does strange things, like waking up angry at me in the middle of the night asking me why I let someone in the house? Then I'm up long after he's fallen back to sleep, just because it's stressful to deal with that kind of stuff long term. No easy answers or solutions. -lula - In LBDcaregivers@y..., " Pat Toguchi " <ptoguchi@i...> wrote: > Hi, > > Please, if you could give me your feedback, I would really appreciate it. > > Dad's dementia has gotten worse . . . hallucinates, delusions, can barely speak (untelligible), walks but legs are getting weaker. We've had a wonderful caregiver for 2 months. Some days Dad likes and accepts her, other days he is highly suspicious of her and can be downright rude. > > My problem - Mom's health is deteriorating (I think due to stress) and she has NO patience with Dad. She gets upset when he doesn't respond to her questions (he's hard of hearing and is easily confused AND can hardly speak), she gets upset and screams at him if he " misses the toilet " , gets upset if he puts a shoe on his wrong foot, etc. She said she knows he is ill and has accepted it, but she is set in her ways and can't accept " sloppiness " . I want to take her on a 5 day vacation to get her away. However, do you think Dad will be OK with the caregiver? What is the worse that could happen? Would it exacerbate his disease? I know he gets lonely, but would he think we are abandoning him? > > Also, Mom's memory is failing. She forgets to turn off the stove, if I tell her something, she forgets and stubbornly says I did not tell her, forgets to pay the caregiver, etc. I've asked her to visit Dad's neurologist, but she won't and changes the subject. I've made an appointment for her, but she cancelled. I know that she frequently gets insomnia and does not sleep for days and has the stress of Dad. Could this be the cause for her failing memory? > > Any suggestions or feedback you have would be greatly appreciated!! Sometimes I wish I could just run away from my parents and lead my own life!! Anyways, I guess this is not a good day and I'm just rambling. > > Thank you for your help . . . you are such an informative and great group! > > Pat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2001 Report Share Posted May 3, 2001 Is there a respite care program in your town? A senior citizen group that your mom could participate in while your dad is with the caregiver? If your dad is mostly comfortable with the caregiver, I would take your mom somewhere--maybe not for five days, but for one or two. Perhaps away from the pressure cooker, she might be more receptive to seeing a doctor herself. Most important, you have to get your mom to the doctor. One reason for her refusal may be that she fears that she's developing the same thing your dad has, and it has her so scared that combined with her fatigue, she's acting out the way she is. Have you discussed this with your dad's physician? Maybe he could subtly investigate your mom's condition the next time your dad sees him. Worst case scenario--it may be time to seriously consider other living arrangements for your dad. Ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2001 Report Share Posted May 3, 2001 A further thought. My mother lived with us the last two years of her life. Mother had no mental problems--she was sharp as a tack until the end, but I would catch myself getting angry at her when she would not trust me to help her into the car, or I would notice some further deterioration in her physical abilities. I finally figured out that the anger was triggered by my fears. I was going to lose her, and I hated and dreaded that and didn't want to admit it was happening. Ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2001 Report Share Posted May 3, 2001 Pat, My father got very disorientated when he had to go to the assessment centre and we thought he had gone downhill very fast BUT THE GOOD NEWS once he had settled back home after the first week he was much better again. We have noticed this many times when he has had a change in his routine - there is a dip downwards, but he recovers to his former state a few days after things are back to his normal routine. So my advice is explain this possibility / liklihood to the carer first so she knows not to be scared if he is deteriorating while you are away, and take your mother out of the situation for a few days. She needs time away to collect her thoughts, rest and think things through. I also agree with Ann that it would be good for her to see a doctor - I think everyone on this site knows that what you describe about her could be purely and simply stress, on the other hand I guess she is very worried about herself as well as your father. I think you also need to investigate how your mother can get regular respite - my mother is able to because my father attends a Day Centre for people with "confusion" problems. Before he went there, I could see my mother getting more and more stressed. Alternatively, again as Ann suggested, look for a group where your mother can be herself, away from the stress of caring on a regular basis. I hope this is helpful Help! Hi, Please, if you could give me your feedback, I would really appreciate it. Dad's dementia has gotten worse . . . hallucinates, delusions, can barely speak (untelligible), walks but legs are getting weaker. We've had a wonderful caregiver for 2 months. Some days Dad likes and accepts her, other days he is highly suspicious of her and can be downright rude. My problem - Mom's health is deteriorating (I think due to stress) and she has NO patience with Dad. She gets upset when he doesn't respond to her questions (he's hard of hearing and is easily confused AND can hardly speak), she gets upset and screams at him if he "misses the toilet", gets upset if he puts a shoe on his wrong foot, etc. She said she knows he is ill and has accepted it, but she is set in her ways and can't accept "sloppiness". I want to take her on a 5 day vacation to get her away. However, do you think Dad will be OK with the caregiver? What is the worse that could happen? Would it exacerbate his disease? I know he gets lonely, but would he think we are abandoning him? Also, Mom's memory is failing. She forgets to turn off the stove, if I tell her something, she forgets and stubbornly says I did not tell her, forgets to pay the caregiver, etc. I've asked her to visit Dad's neurologist, but she won't and changes the subject. I've made an appointment for her, but she cancelled. I know that she frequently gets insomnia and does not sleep for days and has the stress of Dad. Could this be the cause for her failing memory? Any suggestions or feedback you have would be greatly appreciated!! Sometimes I wish I could just run away from my parents and lead my own life!! Anyways, I guess this is not a good day and I'm just rambling. Thank you for your help . . . you are such an informative and great group! Pat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2001 Report Share Posted May 3, 2001 Pat Sometimes people mean really well--like I did trying to keep my mother in my house--but it's just not enough. I can only speak for myself but I can tell you that I felt bad every time I yelled at my mother, but we didn't know what was going on yet and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't believe me that there were no children in the house with us (and no terrorists holding the children captive). I didn't feel that I was cracking up back in January, but when the public guardian stepped in, he was very worried about me because I was on the edge of tears all the time. After mother was in the hospital for a week, I got my act back together and was able to go to court and become mother's guardian and take care of all the practical matters--but she went from the hospital to a nursing home. If she had come back to my house, I don't know what would have happened to me. At the nursing home people think I'm wonderful for coming to feed her dinner every day--7 days a week. But I couldn't have lasted much longer with her in my house. It was too hard and there was no end in sight. I don't know where you live or how much money you have at your disposal so it's hard to make suggestions but there may be other living arrangements that would be healthier for your parents--for both of them. Some nursing home and assisted living arrangements would allow a couple to share a room and nursing home costs are largely tax deductible Lately my mother has started to have trouble swallowing. She chokes on water and on her saliva even more than on food. In my house alone with her I would be terrified. At least in the nursing home she has nurses around to help her. I hear her choking with dread of what's coming but not with total helplessness. There is a difference. > > Hi, > > > > Please, if you could give me your feedback, I would really appreciate it. > > > > Dad's dementia has gotten worse . . . hallucinates, delusions, can barely speak (untelligible), walks but legs are getting weaker. We've had a wonderful caregiver for 2 months. Some days Dad likes and accepts her, other days he is highly suspicious of her and can be downright rude. > > > > My problem - Mom's health is deteriorating (I think due to stress) and she has NO patience with Dad. She gets upset when he doesn't respond to her questions (he's hard of hearing and is easily confused AND can hardly speak), she gets upset and screams at him if he " misses the toilet " , gets upset if he puts a shoe on his wrong foot, etc. She said she knows he is ill and has accepted it, but she is set in her ways and can't accept " sloppiness " . I want to take her on a 5 day vacation to get her away. However, do you think Dad will be OK with the caregiver? What is the worse that could happen? Would it exacerbate his disease? I know he gets lonely, but would he think we are abandoning him? > > > > Also, Mom's memory is failing. She forgets to turn off the stove, if I tell her something, she forgets and stubbornly says I did not tell her, forgets to pay the caregiver, etc. I've asked her to visit Dad's neurologist, but she won't and changes the subject. I've made an appointment for her, but she cancelled. I know that she frequently gets insomnia and does not sleep for days and has the stress of Dad. Could this be the cause for her failing memory? > > > > Any suggestions or feedback you have would be greatly appreciated!! Sometimes I wish I could just run away from my parents and lead my own life!! Anyways, I guess this is not a good day and I'm just rambling. > > > > Thank you for your help . . . you are such an informative and great group! > > > > Pat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2001 Report Share Posted May 3, 2001 Mother eats food with few problems. She chokes on her own saliva and she chokes on water and juice. It's a new thing and she complains about a sore throat so it may just be an allergy--it's a hot spring here and the pollen is in full bloom. > , > > Have they run a barium swallow test on your mother? > > My sister-in-law was having so many problems swallowing last summer that she > was down to almost 90 pounds. The doctors were talking about a feeding > port, which we decided not to allow after the swallow test showed no > problems. For some reason(the seroquel/Aricept combo?)the swallowing > problems went away last September, and now she's eating toast and bacon for > breakfast. > > Ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2001 Report Share Posted May 3, 2001 , Have they run a barium swallow test on your mother? My sister-in-law was having so many problems swallowing last summer that she was down to almost 90 pounds. The doctors were talking about a feeding port, which we decided not to allow after the swallow test showed no problems. For some reason(the seroquel/Aricept combo?)the swallowing problems went away last September, and now she's eating toast and bacon for breakfast. Ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2001 Report Share Posted May 4, 2001 Pat, what a tough time you are having! I am so sorry. Yes, fatigue and stress can lead to poor memory. (It sure played tricks on me when we were going through the stress of diagnosis and personal affairs needing attention were 1000 miles away!) But given your mom's age and the potential for danger (the stove) I agree she should be assessed. Especially if the vacation doesn't help. Instead of making an appointment for her, how about talking to the neurologist yourself to see if he/she would agree to schedule your dad but needing to have your mom in on the appointment? It's a sneaky back-door way, but I think you have reason to be concerned. I'm sorry about your dad's deterioration, too. From what I see here and elsewhere, the swings in his behavior are " normal " under the circumstances. Would he be OK for a week alone with the caregiver? Probably, but yes, he might feel abandoned, unless he could understand your explanation for taking your mom on a vacation. Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes. Cheryl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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