MORNING COFFEE

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Squeeze Anger Out of Your Life

by Jane “Infuse tranquility into your life and relationships.†Accepting responsibility for what you are feeling is hard, especially when what you are feeling is anger. If you leave angry feelings unresolved, they may turn into resentment, envy, jealousy, revenge and, eventually, hatred. These emotions also lie at the root of depression. And, who wants that? Is there something that repeatedly makes your blood boil, that you end up screaming and yelling about, every time the subject comes up? Ask yourself if you’re overreacting or taking something too seriously. If you still feel your anger is justified, change your response. The relief that comes after screaming and yelling is short lived. Look for more constructive ways to vent. For starters, try talking your way through your anger, instead of reacting with rage. Be proactive, take charge, be calm and bask in the light of serenity.

MAKING A BRAND NEW ENDI have a friend who says he is going to change his telephone voicemessage greeting. He wants to say, "Thank you for calling. I've beenmaking some changes in my life. Please leave a message. If I don'tcall you back soon, you're one of the changes."I don't know if he ever got around to it. But I do know that makingpersonal changes is often what life is all about. We'd better learnhow to welcome change if we want to live fully.Do you remember this story? Two men came from similar backgrounds.They both grew up in "dysfunctional" homes. An alcohol-addictedparent raised them both. They both endured numerous hardships as aresult of the many problems brought about by their unstable homelives.As adults, however, their lives looked quite different. One of themen couldn't seem to keep a job for long. He was frequently let gofor alcohol-related problems. He was married for a while, but hiswife could not live with him any longer and eventually left. He felthopeless and believed himself to be a failure.A reporter interviewed him as part of an article she was writing onthe effects of alcoholism in the home. She asked him, "To what doyou attribute your present circumstances?""Given my background," he replied, "what do you expect?"The other man held a steady job. He enjoyed a stable marriage andhome life. He was involved in his children's lives. Overall, he feltproductive and useful."To what do you attribute your present circumstances?" the reporterasked him, referring to his obvious success."Given my background," he replied, "what do you expect?"Naturally, our past will shape our present. Our backgrounds arecrucial in determining the kinds of decisions we will make asadults.But in this case, both men were shaped in different ways by theirpast. One slipped into those old, familiar patterns and recreatedthem as an adult. The other was determined never to repeat what hehad experienced as a child. The first man felt helpless to change.The other used his background as motivation to make needed changes.It's true that we are products of our past. We are shaped by ourparents, by our backgrounds and by pivotal people in our lives. Weare products of our past. But we CAN make changes.Like someone said:"You may not go back and make a brand new start, my friend -But you can start right now, to make a brand new end."Psychologists now tell us that our difficult backgrounds canactually make us more resilient. (Check and Sybil Wolin'sfascinating book The Resilient Self.) Hardships can make us strongand give us needed motivation to be different in the future. Adifficult background can actually be no less than a marvelous gift.It comes down to one question: do I use the hard times in my past asan excuse or as a gift?Steve Goodier

A little bit different You are always achieving something, one thing or another. You are always getting results of some kind.

Getting the results you most passionately and authentically desire is not a matter of making more effort. It is, rather, a matter of making different efforts and consistently keeping those efforts focused.

Focus is a choice you make in every waking moment. You are always focused on one thing or another.

The way to maintain your focus long enough to get the results you seek, is by reminding yourself why. Be clear about why you want those results, and find a way to keep those reasons close at hand.

The success you seek is not particularly difficult. It’s just a little bit different than what you’re doing now.

Be clear about why, keep your thoughts and efforts focused, and your life will proceed in the direction of your dreams.

Ralph Marston

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