You are like a little boy trapped in a man.'

[Guest guest]

A friend of mine said this to me and it hit a nerve. I felt offended.

Probably because it is true and I was denying it. This is sensitive,

embarassing work for me. Please be gentle. General comments are

appreciated, not line by line dissection, please.

Thanks,

Dwight

" You are like a little boy trapped inside a man. "

1. Is it true? I don't know.

2. Can I absolutely know it's true? No.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?

I feel humiliated and ashamed. I feel like it's hopeless, that I'll

never grow up. I want to run and hide because I'm afraid people will

see the vulnerable, immature little kid in me.

How does it feel physically?

Like a stab in the chest.

How do I treat others when I believe this thought?

I treat them as superior, more mature. I feel frightened and

intimidated by them. I envy them for having had better childhoods

than I did. I envy them for seeming more " grown up. " I act meek and

confused around them. I come across as befuddled and needing help.

I seek out help because I don't trust my own inner guidance. I feel

like I can't do the Work on my own, that I need lots of help. I sit

with my mother and talk to her about all my problems, expecting her

to have all the answers, even though I know this has never worked.

(I feel embarrassed and ashamed and naked writing this.) I still

depend on my parents financially. I believe I can't make it on my

own. I see other people my age (34) as having gotten life figured

out, while I haven't. I can't make eye contact because I feel

ashamed; paranoid they will see that I'm still a little kid inside.

How do I treat myself when I think this thought?

I berate myself for not being more independent, for not making more

money, for not having a career yet, for relying on my parents for

financial and emotional support. I worry intensely about it. I don't

know what to do. I feel confused. I feel befuddled and scared. I

treat myself like a little kid. I believe I am a little kid inside,

so I act like one, evading my responsibilities. I avoid people out

of shame.

How have I lived my life because I believed this thought?

I have sought out my mother's help too much, believing I was

incapable of doing things on my own. I have felt the need to ask for

her advice about nearly everything. Instead of making my own dinner,

I go over to my parent's house and eat the dinner my mom has made. (I

also go there for the company). I rely on money my stepfather has

given me to get by. The jobs I have had have not paid enough money

for me to live on. I have felt ashamed around my real father,

wanting to be more of a " real man. " I often feel too frightened to

go to sleep at night. I feel safer when the sun comes up. I have

felt like I'm never prepared enough, like I always need to read more,

or get more degrees. I have felt like I'm not ready to enter the

world, like there's no place for me in it.

Where does my mind travel?

To all the times I've felt like there was something wrong with me

around people in social settings. To this feeling of great shame and

paranoia. To the feeling that others will find me out, that I'm a

fraud and a weakling and spoiled and the fear that others will make

fun of me or punish me. To times when " friends " have laughed at me

and made fun of me, treated me like I was semi-retarded, picked on

me, hurt me physically. How I have always felt different, unable to

fit in.

Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?

Stress.

When you hold that belief, what do you get out of it?

A reason to avoid taking care of my responsibilities. A reason for

why I have failed at my previous attempts to find a career. A reason

to stay scared.

Can you see a reason to drop the thought?

Yes, it seems to cause these feelings of intense shame,

embarrassment, and fear of being " found out. " It makes it harder for

me to meet my responsibilities.

When did I first feel like I was a " little kid trapped inside a man's

body? "

Probably in high school when most of my friends got jobs and I

didn't.

What caused you to believe this thought?

I don't know. Maybe being too easily offended and seeming needy, so

that my mother and others felt the need to coddle me.

What prevents you from feeling like an adult now?

Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need all

these other people to help me figure things out, not taking care of

myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not practicing

self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my own

rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

Can you see a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

It might motivate me to grow up, be more independent, get a job, cook

for myself, clean my apartment, get organized.

Are these really stress-free?

I don't know. The thought doesn't seem to have helped me yet. It

feels more like a threat, that I'd better grow up soon or else I'm a

failure, than something I want to do. The stress and shame seem to

make me depressed, fearful and ashamed, which makes it harder to do

things. But part of me still thinks I should feel guilty and

ashamed. Why? Because society says all these things I'm doing or not

doing are wrong, shameful, pathetic, etc.

4. Who would you be without the thought?

I would be proud of what I have accomplished. I would feel mature in

many ways—for working hard to get an education, for aggressively

working on my problems, for trying to get to the root of all my

problems: my thinking. I would feel mature for understanding a lot

about human nature, for learning to be less reactive to criticism,

for making amends with my stepfather, for being a good listener to my

sister. For doing the absolute best I can and could do, given my

circumstances. For dealing well with a disability: spasmodic

dysphonia. I would be willing to try harder. I would be less afraid

to do things on my own, less afraid of making mistakes. I would cook

more for myself. I would find it easier to look for jobs.

TA: I am not a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

Yes, there are many ways in which I'm actually mature for my age: in

my self-understanding and understanding of others, in my ability to

sympathize and care about others in pain, in my diligence working on

difficult academic projects, in writing well and getting published,

in my capacity to be alone without freaking out.

TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical and

physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult for me to

do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a job,

take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and organized.

TA: My thinking is like a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

Yes, when I tell myself I can't do certain things, that I need

external help. When I think " I'm just like a little boy, " that

becomes my reality. When I believe I'm helpless to change things.

When I forget all the ways in which I am mature and the good jobs I

have had, like teaching and working at Pearsons. I also block out how

I was better able to be independent at other times in my life, for

instance when I was living in Chicago and going to graduate school.