Guest guest Posted January 23, 2006 Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 dear tami. I like this idea.. if people like me or not it has nothing to do with me. Still i have the belief people reject me due to my self hate. I seem to project no one likes me and so i beleive that And read that into others actions.. and yet i am rejected often. Maybe i want to be rejected and the lie is i want to be accepted . If a client really really liked me and said so .I would probably be a wreck. I prefer rejection. Does this make any sense? REminds me of that famous marianne williamson line or whoever it was who said we dont fear failure we fear success. Maybe thats why i unconsciously hope people wont like me .. what to do now i wonder ? People havent liked me because i never wanted to be liked. and never liked them. But if i have nothing to do with that it ruins my deduction. love, roslyn- - In Loving-what-is , Tamar Fattal <tamar_fa@0...> wrote: > > Dear Dwight > > I remember you judging me here, and I felt only love coming from you. > I even learn a new word: assine? > Well, maybe not quiet well. > > If I love you or don't love you > it has nothing to do with you! > > It remind me of a story > Today I went to meet a friend in a coffee shop. > Than I saw this guy who as a cat that I become friend with. > I said hi to this guy, and smiled at him. > The other guy who was sitting next to me said: > How can you say hi to this man, he such a base (??) man. > I asked him: how can you say that, why? > And he said: he never smile at me, he always looks so enrage... > > So I said to him: he didn't smile at you, and you have all this stories > about him? > > Than I have realize that when I come to visit his cat, he doesn't smile at > me too > but I like him. > I have a story that he as good heart. > > I have a story that every one loves me > so when someone doesn't smile at me, I don't take it personal > I just see a man who doesn't feel like smiling. > > So, there is no need to try to gain other's people love > cause in the end they never see you, they only facing there belief system > > That is good news, you can be free to be yourself... > > Now, I think > should I call , or not > I have the story that I should play hard to get > but he is so wise, he always tells me what I just said to you > that his reaction to me has nothing to do with me. > > Great, I am going to call > > Bye > > T > > -- Re: To /jmknapp74 > > Dwight, I always get something from your work. I appreciate your > willingness to put it out there. I recognize almost all things you > say from different parts of my life. Sometimes they are past things > that I mostly feel I have resolved, but when I read what you write I > remember exactly how it felt, OR I realize that some (or a LOT) of it > is still there inside me, I just learned ways to " fake it, " and cover > it up -- and so what you say shows me part of myself on which I can > do the work. > > When I read your work I am rooting for you to get the those things > you seek, the peace, the self-acceptance, the rich friendships. I > believe you will, because authenticity is attractive to people. Also > when you successfully loosen up some of those beliefs, you don't have > as much " static " (your noisy thoughts and worries) between you and > other people. You can offer them more listening and acceptance, which > is very desirable to people, and they will often offer it in return. > > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 1/22/2006 7:59:25 AM Central Standard Time, > > Loving-what-is writes: > > > > To jmknapp74 > > > > > > /jmknapp74, > > > > I can really related to your anxious feeling about your girlfriend > seeming > > more distant and talking about other guys since she has moved > away. It's > > great to work on whatever thoughts come up around this, as you are > doing. I > > think what it really comes down to, though, for most of us is just > this belief > > that we NEED love, approval and appreciation. The more we believe > that and the > > MORE WE SEEK LAA, the harder it is to find it. We become needy and > that pushes > > people away. We become manipulative in subtle ways and that > pushes people > > away. The only real solution is to unlearn this NEED for LAA. In > my > > experience it helps to just sit with loneliness and anxious > thoughts about being > > rejected, etc., and wait and notice how or if the feelings begin to > shift. That > > emptiness that we try so hard to avoid is actually Love, our true > nature. > > That aloneness is a doorway into realizing that you already have > all the love > > and support you need within you. Once you realize that, you are > free. I'm not > > saying I'm there yet, not by a long shot. But I am getting closer > and just > > being aware of where the anxiety and insecurity and that sense of > emptiness > > comes from can be a big relief and give you hope. Below is some > pretty > > extensive work I did on this issue. You might read it through and > see if you can find > > yourself in it. My hope is you might find it helpful. > > > > With love, > > Dwight > > > > I need people to accept me. > > > > 1. Yes. > > > > 2. No. The neediness makes me really anxious. > > > > 3. I feel anxious. I fear rejection. I feel lonely. I feel like I > > don't have enough people in my life who accept me. I feel ashamed > > when I do something that leads to my being rejected. . I feel the > > need to impress others to win their acceptance. I see some people > as > > better than others, more worthy of acceptance. I feel > misunderstood. > > > > How does it feel physically? > > A constant restlessness. Like there's something missing, an > > emptiness that I need to fill. > > My stomach aches. I feel hungry. My heart races. My hands shake. > > My voice quavers. > > > > How do I treat others when I believe that thought? > > I treat them as having this power over how I feel. I try to win > > their acceptance by being funny, and when I try too hard it doesn't > > work. I try to win their acceptance by complimenting them a lot, > and > > sometimes it's not totally sincere. I avoid people who I think > don't > > accept me, or who wouldn't if I opened up to them. (I don't open up > > to my stepfather because when I do he doesn't accept it/me) I don't > > talk to them. I don't risk rejection. I tell them I love them. I > > accuse them of being unsympathetic. I say, " that's great " > > and " you're right " a lot. > > > > What do I do? > > On the bulletin board I keep posting and hoping people will respond > > to me in an accepting way. I feel addicted to getting acceptance, > so > > I keep checking back. I allow people to use me sometimes. I say > > yes, when I don't really want to do certain things for them. I give > > my friend rides and money. I apologize a lot. I feel nervous > > and empty inside so I turn to cigarettes. I listen to meditation > CDs > > everyday to try to calm myself down. I do whatever I think might > > soothe me. I avoid other tasks because they're too removed from my > > immediate psychological needs. I avoid the tasks that might make it > > easier for me to accept myself---exercise, finishing my school > work, > > applying for jobs. > > > > How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought? > > I see myself as needy. I don't allow myself enough sleep because I > > feel there is so much work I need to do in order to gain people's > > acceptance. I beat myself up whenever I say or write something that > > people react negatively to. I tell myself, " how could you be so > > stupid? " " I made a complete fool of myself. " " They all think I'm a > > moron now. " > > > > How have you lived your life because you believed that thought? > > I quit the religion program I was in at Chicago mainly because I > felt > > like no one liked me there. I have avoided taking social risks. I > > have often felt incredibly nervous and inhibited around people. I > > have often censored myself. I have tried to tell people what I > think > > it is they want to hear. I stopped taking Nardil even though it > made > > me feel better, because it made me gain weight and I felt like I > was > > losing people's acceptance for being fat. I have felt intense shame > > about things I've said and done, wondering about people's > reactions. > > When I was in the Writing program I was too scared of people's > > reactions to be able to write what was true for me or to risk > making > > mistakes. I have been extremely perfectionistic, especially about > > my writing. I take pills to lose weight even when they seem to make > > me nervous. I take pills to alleviate the social anxiety I feel, so > > that I can make a better impression on people. I have been unable > > to make friends because I'm too frightened to be myself or to be > > spontaneous. > > > > > > Where does your mind travel when you attach to that thought? > > It travels to the past and I replay times when I feel like I've > said > > or done things that led to humiliation or rejection, and I feel > > incredibly ashamed of myself. I think about the letter I wrote > > Kathleen, and cringe when I remember the words I wrote.. I think > > about how I angrily judged this couple at the Cleanse, and feel > > intense shame. I think about how I've forgotten people's names. My > > mind travels to the future and I either imagine myself acting > really > > nervous around people or else acting confident. And if I have the > > expectation that I'm going to feel confident and then I'm not, I > feel > > terrible. Like at the Cleanse no-talent show-I felt terrible about > > myself for being nervous; I was so ashamed that afterward it seemed > > like everyone was rejecting me because that was all I could believe > > in. I think about the introduction letter I wrote to the Yahoo > group > > and feel disgusted with myself for writing such a stupid letter and > > for trying to get people's attention. > > > > > > Whose business are you in when you think that thought? > > Other people's business. Not my own. Some people are going to > > accept me and some people aren't; that's their business and their > > right. If I try to manipulate them into liking me, it just makes > > things worse, and I move further and further away from my self. I > > become more dishonest. I do what I think will impress others. I > > constantly worry what they think of me. > > > > What are you assuming when you think this thought? > > I'm assuming that I don't have enough acceptance from people in my > > life right now. That if I could just get more acceptance I'd be > > happier. If I just had more friends, I'd be happier. That > > loneliness is killing me. > > > > When you hold that belief what do you get out of it? > > I get to think of myself as more sensitive than others. And that > > means I'm more of an artist, feel things more strongly, etc... > > > > A reason to drop the thought? Yes, to free myself from this awful > > fear and anxiety. So I could be free to act however I wanted to > > around people, to be spontaneous. So I wouldn't care so much about > > what my voice sounded like. > > > > A stress-free reason to keep this thought? I worry that if I don't > > keep it, I'll become rude and careless. Is that really a stress- > > free reason? No because I'm worrying about it. Also, so far the > > thought has not prevented me from being rude and careless on > > occasion. It has made me more rude and careless, because I have > > resorted to ridiculous measures of manipulation and I have gotten > > enraged when I thought people were not accepting me. > > > > Who would you be without the thought? > > I'd be a lot less anxious around people and when I'm alone. I might > > not need to take anti-anxiety medication anymore. I wouldn't feel > > ashamed or angry when people didn't accept me. I'd be more > > spontaneous. I might allow myself more sleep. I might quit > > smoking. I wouldn't post to the yahoo board out of a need for > > acceptance. I would stop trying to manipulate people's reactions to > > me. I would stop trying to control how others perceived me. I > > would be more genuine with people. I wouldn't feel so lonely. It > > would be easier for me to make friends because I'd be less > > manipulative and less nervous. I would be in my own business. I > > wouldn't feel the need to know what other people are thinking about > > me, so I would do less mind-reading. I would be in better place to > > concentrate on the other person and to listen to them because I'd > be > > less concerned with how I was coming across, less self-conscious. > > I'd be more focused on liking other people and less focused on them > > liking me. > > > > TA: I don't need people to accept me. > > 1. because that belief only makes me miserable. > > 2. if I can learn to be okay with my own thoughts, then being alone > > won't bother me. > > 3. when I accept myself. > > 4. because I'm never really alone anyway; we're all connected. > > > > TA: I need to accept other people. > > 1. because that works much better than trying to impress them. > > 2. because I feel better about myself when I do. > > 3. because I can help them better when I accept them first. > > 4. because it hurts not to accept other people. > > > > TA: I need to accept myself. > > 1. to free myself from all this neediness and loneliness. > > 2. because only then will I no longer need other people's > acceptance > > 3. because then I'll be able to see it when people do accept me > > 4. because that will make it easier for me to accept other people. > > How? If I can accept my own faults, it will be easier for me to > > accept faults in others. > > > > TA: I need people to reject me. > > 1. to give me more opportunities to realize I don't need people's > > acceptance. > > 2. because that's reality.. People have rejected me and always > > will. > > 3. because some people will always reject me no matter what I do. > > 4. because if they reject me for some reason, it might show me > things > > about myself I might want to change. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.